开云体育

Topical Cartoons

Cartoons

Daily Clean Jokes for February 9, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Audiologist was quite precise: Get a hearing aid; that's the device That will end hearing strife. In agreement, my wife Said she thought that it was sound advice. Chris and Jim got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. --- Kirk's Puns My uncle Jubal would have an absolute hissy fit whenever aunt Cora forgot to make toast for his breakfast. He was extremely lack toast intolerant. An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight. When the drill bit was invented, it was a real turning point. The traffic was so heavy that the cardiologist decided to take a by-pass. My wife is such a hypochondriac. I get sick just thinking about it. ----- Aw, Man: Columbia Student Just Graduated With DEI Degree NEW YORK CITY — Prospects have dimmed considerably for local woman Violet Weber, who just graduated in December from Columbia with a degree in Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Studies. With DEI programs being abolished across the country, the outlook for people trained to root out neo-colonial white power structures has never been worse. "Really, really poor timing here," sighed Weber as she filled out another Wendy's application. "There's just no one interested any more in learning how to be less white and more gay. It was such good business in 2021." After spending four years and $250,000 earning her degree, Weber nearly landed a job learning how to make pickles for a local pickler, but was ultimately beat out by a hobo who had more business experience. "It's been so disheartening," said Weber. "I offered to help make their pickles more queer-friendly, but the guy just stared at me. He seemed totally uninterested in a business-wide evaluation of how his three employees could dismantle the colonialism inherent in the pickling business. Such a loss." At publishing time, Weber had been spotted out on the street corner holding a sign reading "Will call you racist for food." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Everything quickly turned to chaos when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front. Everybody was surprised, shocked, and the bride even fainted. The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say. The woman replied, "Sorry. We can't hear in the back." Received from Steve Sanderson via GCFL. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Plow Funny It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when John (not the sharpest pencil in the batch) got off work. He made his way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He sat in his car while it warmed up and thought about his situation. He finally remembered his dad's advice that if he got caught in a blizzard he should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way he would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made him feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and he started to follow it. As he followed the snow plow, he was feeling very smug as they continued and he was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, he was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to his car and signaled for him to roll down his window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if he was all right as he had been following him for a long time. John said that he was fine and told him of his dad's advice to follow a snow pl

Daily Clean Jokes for February 8, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: "During childbirth, you push and you shove," Said Nichole. "I know what I speak of 'Cause I've done it before. Even though it's a chore, I must say it's a labor of love." (Kirk Miller) Quote of the Day: Ice cream is happiness condensed. -- Jessi Lane Adams Today's One-Liner: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. All my relatives know that I refold the wrapping paper from my Christmas presents for reuse later. "Auntie," asked one of my young nieces, "why do you save all that paper?" "I'm doing what's best for the environment," I replied. "So I'm recycling." "Good thing you didn't ask that question five years ago," my daughter interrupted. "Then she was just plain cheap." Submitted to Reader's Digest by Oksanna Gudz Quick Jokes A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" ----- These two women were riding in a car and one of them kept clearing her throat. Finally, she says, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I must have a frog in my throat." The other woman says, "Well don't swallow it. They're fattening." Received from Laugh & Lift q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y "If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets." -- Mel Brooks "When in doubt, tell the truth." -- Mark Twain "Courage is fear that has said its prayers." -- Dorothy Bernard ----- b i t s . n . b o b s *-- THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 Years Old --* 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 4. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m. 9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room. 14. You sing along with the elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. Received from The Mouthpiece Appreciated The workers in a large office were making secret plans to stage a big office party for the 70-year old cleaning woman who had spent the better part of her life with the company. Somehow the secret leaked out and the woman got wind of it. Much perturbed, she rushed to the office manager. "Please sir," she cried, "Do not let them do it! Do not let them do it!" "Oh, come now, Mrs. Smith, you must not be so modest. After all, they simply want to show how much you are appreciated." "Appreciated, my foot," exclaimed the woman. "I am NOT going to clean up after a mess like that!" ----- Always take time to stop and smell Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth's Good Clean Fun. SPORTS ARE UNFAIR TO THE AGED By Larry Sluss When I was young I could watch basketball and even soccer, though it was a little too foreign, and I could figure out all the moves. But I slowed down a bit and switched to American football since there were many seconds between plays. But that caught up with me so I switched to baseball since there could be several minutes between plays. But then I started going to sleep between the plays and lost whole innings. What to do? I finally settled on solitaire. If I fall asleep between drawing cards, the game is the same when I wake up. ------------------ Copyright 2014 Larry Sluss. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. ----- No matter how hard you h

Clean Jokes for Friday, February 7, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" "Of course I do." she answered, "I take my knitting and a magazine.." Quote of the Day: "An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides." -- John H. Patterson Today's One-Liner: What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Flesh? Quick Joke One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools ... and the intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. :) :) Received from Laugh & Lift Clean Laffs "Not quite as good news for the pet supply chain PetSmart, which may soon be sold to a larger company. Or as they told their employees, 'Your jobs are going to a farm upstate.'" -- Jimmy Fallon "In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu, and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he'd taught to fire a gun." -- Conan O'Brien ----- When his auto mechanic came in for a operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him. "Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is..." *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?" "Maybe," replied beautician, "does he still drink a lot?" Received from Clean Laffs Life Insurance Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of an insurance policy with the clerk at the insurance agency. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?" The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence." Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the DMV." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going directly back to the DMV?" Received from Jo Anne Breitmeyer There's these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night ... The skunk says, "Don't look at me. I haven't got a scent." The duck says, "Just put it on my bill." The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders." The deer says, " I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon." The frog says,

Daily Clean Jokes for February 6, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo." It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee. Quote of the Day: “The best way to knock the chip off your neighbor's shoulder is to pat him on the back.” -- Unknown Today's One-Liner: The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. Quick Jokes "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." ----- A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee. "What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design. "It's a banjo," he said sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama." Received from Laugh & Lift Please feel welcome to forward this email to your friends, inviting them to become a member of the Daily Clean Jokes family! To SUBSCRIBE: dailycleanjokes-subscribe@... Clean Laffs "Chinese authorities have seized 30,000 tons of what? Chicken feet. Because they're tainted. Well, there goes my cookout." -- Dave Letterman "According to an anthropologist from the University of Hawaii, who spent years studying this, Hello Kitty is not actually a cat. I hope the anthropologist was studying other stuff, too." -- Jimmy Kimmel "A new study found that having a big wedding boosts your chance of having a good marriage. While having a destination wedding boosts your chance of having friends who hate you." -- Jimmy Fallon ----- What The New Job-Lingo Really Means * JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you. * CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. * MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. * SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time each weekend. * DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around. * MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control. * CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way). * NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. * SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - You'll need it to replace three people who just left. * PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. * REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. * GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....MOLASSES!" Received from Clean Laffs Defrosting the Turkey We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey. Our daughter turned to my wife and said, "Mom, you always did it that way." "Yes," my wife replied, "but you don't have a cat!" ----- I am a nutritional overachiever. Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth's Good Clean Fun. Thought for the Day "Doctors say that cheerful people resist disease be

Daily Clean Jokes for February 5, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: Grammar walks into a Bar Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves. A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave. A Question mark walks into a bar? Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar. A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink. The bar was walked into by the passive voice. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. A synonym ambles into a pub. A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink. A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything. A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty. Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapsed to the bar floor. A group of homophones wok inn two a bar. Quote of the Day: WHO SAID IT? QUOTE: "The problems of puzzles are very near the problems of life." ANSWER: Erno Rubik. RANDOM TIDBITS A Hungarian by the name of Erno Rubik invented the Cube in the spring of 1974. He created it as a working model to help explain three-dimensional geometry, and this led to the creation of the world's best selling toy. At the peak of the Rubik's Cube craze, an estimated one-fifth of the world's population had played the Cube. Rubikcubism is an avant-garde artistic movement in which Rubik's cubes are used as a medium to create art. In May 2007, Thibaut Jacquinot of France became the first person to complete the Cube in less than 10 seconds in open competition. Erik Akkersdijik set the current world record for a single solve at the 2008 Czech Open with a time of 7.08 seconds. In 1981, a seven-year-old Norwegian boy named Lars-Erik Anderson was one of the youngest Cube solvers. Initially, Rubik considered variations of a 2 x 2 x 2 in cube, but concluded that the simplest and most workable model was the 3 x 3 x 3 in cube. Today's One-Liner: Warning: You are entering a Redneck Area ... You may encounter American flags, American citizens, the Lord's Prayer and Country Music. Travel at your own risk. Things a true Southerner knows: - The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit. - Pretty much how many fish make up a mess. - What general direction cattywumpus is. - That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar. - When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long. - Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits!! - A good dog is worth its weight in gold. - Real gravy don't come from the store. - When "by and by" is. - Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. - A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up. - Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers. - Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons. Received from Laugh & Lift Clean Laffs Good morning crew, Does nothing last? Is nothing permanent? How can a man feel secure in his place in the universe if everything around him is ephemeral? Today we had a new company picture taken (if you check www.pulsetv.com it might even be up already), so yesterday I went to get a haircut so I don't look like some kind of shaggy hippie on the company website. Now, I go to this one place in particular because I know there are two girls there who know how to cut my hair the way I like it. I know this because I spent years going from place to place until I found a stylist I could actually trust around my head with a pair of scissors. I have been going there for three or four years now, so I have even been able to coach a second girl to cut my hair correctly. But when I went there yesterday what did I discover? Both girls left. Both! So, in keeping with my history of bad decision making I let one of the new girls attack my head with, I don't know what she was using...pruning shears or something, and she delivered a catastrophe of truly nightmarish proportions. I look like a Picasso painting. It's just not fair. Hair stylists should be like doctors; you shou

Daily Clean Jokes for Tuesday, February 4, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: A bird breeder, who dealt with only species that are normally wild, not parrots, canaries, or parakeets, had a difficult life, getting up early to feed all his charges, never taking a vacation, working hard, and yet he enjoyed his life. When the local newspaper interviewed him for a feature story, they asked him if he was sorry about the life he'd chosen for himself. His reply? "I have no egrets." Quote of the Day: It's kind of fun to do the impossible -- Walt Disney Today's One-Liner: There's a dumb ass on your computer between the Y and I ... Look A VIRUS I'm too lazy to program a real virus, so here you go: This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation. Received from Laugh & Lift Nail Biting Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For one woman, it's biting her fingernails. One day she told her husband about the latest solution: press-on nails. "Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box." ----- When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth's Good Clean Fun. A Bathroom 'Funny' On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" Forwarded by Gretchen Patti ----- When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, uphill, often in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus. Received from Mikey's Funnies A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to save the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of The mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up. Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window . . . "I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming." ----- Today's Riddle: My first is often at the front door. My second is found in the cereal family. My third is what most people want. My whole is one of the United States. Answer: MATRIMONY [mat rye money] Which is certainly a `united state`! Received from Da Mouse Tracks Baptism At Immanuel Lutheran Church in Avilla. Indiana, the summer Sunday school includes students of all ages. Recently the topic was the baptism of Lydia and the feast that was held to celebrate. One of the students asked if they had cookies and cakes. Connie, the teacher, said they probably didn't have cookies and cakes in Bible times but the food was probably very delicious because it was all fresh. "Like Subway!" first-grader Amelia VanGessel piped up. Received from Kidwarmers via Doc's Daily Chuckle Punnies Two friends should never do puzzles together. There's always the danger it might lead to crosswords. We're expecting fallout from the recent layoffs at the nuclear plant. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison What is the name of the immortal adolescent? Constantine! (Pun of the Day) Judges Joke A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd … Received from aJokeADay.com Oh, the Irony! Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get num

Daily Jokes for February 2, 2025 When I was a child my father raised me not to "sput". If I remember correctly that meant I should honor the Lord, not take his name in vain and all of that, to which I still agree. So I started to read this from Kirk and it seemed so spiritual and I thought I won't be able to use this because it was such a spiritual tribute to a bishop, no less. But in the end, it was such a wonderful play on words, I decided I had to use it: I don't know who the next pope will be, but I know there is one particularly qualified and distinguished man who will not be selected. Bishop Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in the Hague. As a young man, he aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the army during WWII. He spent two years flying aboard B17s as a co-pilot until, in 1943, his aircraft was shot down and he lost his left arm. Still enscripted, Hans spent the remainder of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual advice and last rites to dying soldiers, allied and enemy. He was renowned for his ecumenical tenderness and compassion. After the war, Grapje became a priest and served as a missionary throughout Africa. In spite of his handicap, he was noted for piloting his own bush plane into the deepest, most primitive villages to spread the church's message and charity to the impoverished. In 1997, then Archbishop Grapje was serving at an outpost in Zimbabwe, when an explosion in one of the country's vast silver mines caused a catastrophic cave-in. The archbishop, in spite of his seniority, went down into several of the shafts to administer last rites to those who would never escape. He was in one of these shafts when it partially caved in, trapping him and several rescuers. Although he was rescued three days later, he suffered several painful injuries, including one that cost him his right eye. Additionally, the silver content in the shaft's air supply had poisoned him, causing his skin to take an indigo hue -- a condition known as purpura -- that persists to this day. Although the Cardinal has devoted, and indeed risked, his life in the service of God for nearly 70 years, as a scholar, a mentor, and the epitome of a holy man, church politics preclude his ascension to the Papacy. Church leaders have made it clear they don't want a one-eyed, one armed, flying, purple, Papal leader. Received from Kirk Miller. ----- Today's Clean Pun: A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader. Quote of the Day: "I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware." -- Joan Rivers Today's One-Liner: The reason members of Congress try so hard to get re-elected is that they could not make a living under the laws they've passed. Quick Jokes My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D" "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight.

Cross It Off Your Bucket List! Direct link: www.CoachB.tv/0890

Topical Cartoons

Daily Clean Jokes for February 1, 2024 Kirk's Limerick During roll call, sick soldier does sneeze. Due to shortness of breath, he does wheeze. Doesn't feel very good; No surprise that he would At that moment just feel ill at ease. Chris, Jim, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns Pope John Paul was okay, I guess, but it seems to me he did an awful lot of pontificating. All those new television shows about extreme makeovers and plastic surgeons are starting to raise a few eyebrows around here. A conference with the IRS is a taxing proposition. Death and taxes go hand in hand. Taxes are murder, and murder is taxing. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. ----- Thanks To Trump Ending DEI, The Babylon Bee Is Finally Able To Fire Its Only Female Writer The Babylon Bee would like to publicly thank President Donald Trump for making good on his promise to get rid of all those DEI rules, allowing us to take immediate action and fire our only female writer. We were sick of her not being funny but needed a good reason to get rid of her without having all those DEI employment people breathing down our necks. The office is going to go back to what it was intended to be in the first place: a gentleman's club full of fine cigars, strong beer, darts, a billiards table, and maybe we'll even get one of those armchairs that recline fully and has drink holders on both sides. We were forced to hire a girl writer after the Biden administration mandated all places of businesses have at least one woman on staff. She wasn't even that funny; here are a few of her more recent headline pitches: "Men Are Always Leaving The Toilet Seat Up" (that was the whole joke) "Trump Gifts Melania That New Set Of Throw Pillows She's Been Eyeing For Mother's Day (Hint Hint Sweetie)" "Wife Asks Sensible, Relevant, Not-At-All-Stupid Question During Movie" "Man Asks For Epidural So He Doesn't Have To Say Encouraging Things While Wife Is In Labor" (Ok that one's sort of funny) We're excited to go back to having only men on staff and have set up a rotating schedule for who has to take out the garbage, clean the bathrooms, and bring in freshly baked cookies every day as that was sort of the stuff the girl did when she was here. Meetings will now take 70% less time, we can turn the A/C up to normal temperatures, and we will be converting the women's restroom into a game room. God bless you, President Trump. Received from Kirk Miller. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Steadfast In My Beliefs A trusted aid was counseling the senator, "Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree with you." The senator replied, "Keep tabs on them. When enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'll turn around and agree with them." ----- Power of Advertising During a recent session of family court the wife was asked, "Why did you throw the pot of geraniums at your husband?" "Because of the advertising, your honor." "What advertising?" "Say it with flowers." ----- Thought Of The Day: He's Looking Down On Us “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” -- Jack Whitehall ----- One Minute Birthday Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute? It was his sixty-second birthday. ----- Bold Request A child comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." ----- Thought Of The Day: Love At First Sight “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” -- Halley Reed from “Crimes and Misdemeanors” Received from aJokeADay. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for January ... brrr ... 31, 2025 Kirk's Limerick He played cards New Year's Eve; didn't win, But his face always wore a big grin, 'Cause he drank like a fish. And he got his one wish, Which was playing a game he called Gin! Lee, Dick, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns He decided to concentrate lesson history and moron himself. I took pictures of a wheat field and wanted to put them in a round frame. I had to crop circles. I once went to a party dressed as a skeleton, but there was no body to dance with. A policeman was there who accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict. That cop learned never to book a judge by his cover. A girl and her boyfriend went to the party dressed as a barcode. They were an item. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ One Minute Birthday Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute? It was his sixty-second birthday. ----- Bold Request A child comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." ----- Thought Of The Day: Love At First Sight “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” - Halley Reed from “Crimes and Misdemeanors” Received from aJokeADay. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding the bus to a local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing, while the dog said, panicking, 'I gotta find that blind guy. I'm in a lot of trouble if I don't find him." -- Jimmy Fallon "A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." -- Jimmy Kimmel "Police are looking for a woman who stole $3,000 worth of cat-grooming supplies at an airport baggage carousel. Police describe the suspect as 'single.'" -- Seth Meyers ----- A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied. By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" "I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town." ----- *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?" _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Q and A QuickiesQ: What did Neptune say to Saturn? A: Give me a ring sometime! Q: Why did the stoplight turn red? A: Wouldn't you if you had to change in the middle of the street? ----- It's A Two Cow Joke Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. Daisy exclaimed, "It's true, no bull!" ----- More Q and A QuickiesQ: What do you call a traveling

Daily Clean Jokes for January 29, 2025 Kirk's Limerick At the deli, two friends like to eat; Get together at noon, so they greet One another each day And are likely to say That they're having a nice lunch-n-meet. Conrad, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns Deviants who socialize and enjoy each other are members of a mutual aberration society. I saw a new recipe book about cooking with herbs. It’s about Thyme. I saw some relish on a motorbike. It was trying to ketchup with its friends. Would Little Miss Muffet share her curds? No whey! A Buddhist gentleman was in the habit of leaving a bit of food on an altar each morning before departing for work. One morning he had left a freshly fried egg roll. Before he left the house, he noticed that the tidbit had disappeared. When he questioned his house boy about the matter, the house boy with guilt replied, "I know it's only wokkened roll, Buddha lack it." ------ Gen Z: Here Are 15 Things You Can Do With Your Time Now That TikTok Is Banned TikTok has been officially banned over concerns of improper data collection and the spread of propaganda from the Chinese-owned app. Now Gen Z is in a bit of a pickle. What else are they supposed to do with their time? The Babylon Bee had come up with 15 things Gen Z-ers can do with their time in a world without TikTok: Use your phone to actually call people: Little do you know, but phones can also function as phones. When wanting to watch TV, turn on the TV: The larger screen will shock and amaze you. Now spend all your spare time watching useless videos on YouTube or Instagram instead: There are probably some pretty sweet reaction videos to the TikTok ban. Watch a feature-length movie: It's like a thousand TikTok's mashed together. Catch up on all 35 seasons of America's Funniest Home Videos: It's the TikTok of your parents' generation. Instead of staring at your phone, stare directly at the sun: If you do it long enough, you won't be able to see your phone ever again. Just think of how much more fulfilling your life will be. Touch grass: It feels weird, but you'll eventually get used to it. Talk to another human being in person: You can bond over how much you both miss TikTok. Instead of catfishing people, try catfishing catfish: It's a simpler life. Learn a fictional fantasy language: Like Klingon, Elvish, or Latin. Study Pythagoras, then develop your own theorem about triangles: It's everyone's dream to have a mathematical theorem named after them. Try to beat a level 9 CPU in Super Smash Bros. while hanging off your couch upside down: Fox only, no items, Final Destination. Watch the entire series of Disney's Bonkers: The main character, Bonkers D. Bobcat, had a catchphrase that was just him saying his name. "B-B-B-Bonkers!" What's better than that? Just email your data directly to the CCP: Cut out the middleman. Move to China where it's not banned, and you'll have so much more freedom: You may even be celebrated as a giant there. Received from Kirk Miller. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Coat Funny Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young daughter said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?" The woman shot her an angry look, "How dare you talk about your father like that!" >>>Today's Thot As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. Received from Mikey's Funnies ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ How to Avoid Mixing Your Metaphors It’s not rocket surgery. First, get all your ducks on the same page. After all, you can’t make an omelette without breaking stride. Be sure to watch what you write with a fine-tuned comb. Check and re-check until the cows turn blue. It’s as easy

Daily Clean Jokes for January 28, 2025 Kirk's Limericks As the wave went around, fans hooted In the stadium; up they scooted. People rose in the stands And they raised both their hands. Fans in sections were all uprooted. Conrad, Chris, Jim got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. __________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns: Sailors usually like their pier group. A pharmacist and a patient had a pill owe fight. __________________________________________________________________________________________ " I hate advice unless I am giving it." -- Jack Nicholson Predictability? IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DID YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT. __________________________________________________________________________________________ On a kayaking trip to the Apostle Islands in northern Wisconsin, my wife and I were talking to our guide as we ate lunch on a remote beach. I mentioned how unusual it was to have no television, newspapers or radio. "In fact," I continued, "it's going to be strange to return home and find out what's been going on in the real world." No one spoke for a few moments. Then, without taking his eyes from the horizon, the guide replied, "I assumed that's what you came here for." - submitted to Reader's Digest by Ken McCormack __________________________________________________________________________________________ Family Movie On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments. Then, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?" Received from GCFL. __________________________________________________________________________________________ On a sunny day, I set out with five other young women to go water-skiing on a nearby lake. After launching our boat, we skimmed around and stopped in the middle of the lake to get ready for skiing. The motor failed to start again, however, and we were stranded. After we had drifted for a couple of hours, a fisherman finally noticed our plight. He pulled alongside our boat and attached a tow line. As we headed for shore, he looked back at the six of us, all clad in bikinis, and exclaimed, "Wait till my wife sees this catch!" - submitted to Reader's Digest by C M __________________________________________________________________________________________ Drunk Driving Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!! Received from aJokeADay.com __________________________________________________________________________________________ A Father's Sermon A minister's young son sat on the floor of his father's office watching him write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" the boy asked. "Why, God tells me." his father replied. "Well, then why do you keep crossing things out?" Received from Beliefnet.com __________________________________________________________________________________________ Kid Joke It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package ov

Daily Clean Jokes for January 27, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Bottled water firm has lucidity. It is struggling and gets validity To change prices. You see And head honchos agree That they need to improve liquidity. Lee, Conrad, Carol, Jim, Bill got it. Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns The public quiz didn’t go well. The quiz master asked “name a Bond villain”, but he just wouldn’t take No as an answer. A hedgehog I know tried to strengthen his spikes by lifting weights with them, but he didn’t have the quill power. If we don't conserve water, we could go from one ex-stream to another. Did you know that hard water is never used to make soft drinks? When bottled water is cheap, it's called a liquidation sale. Someone asked me if I could swim under water. I said, "Don't hold your breath." A bust is made of famous people who were a head of their time. While in the Middle East, I bought an ink pen. I can't get it to work, though. I just don't understand Arab Bic. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Crash Funny Two men crash into each other at an intersection. The first man steps out of his wrecked car screaming, "You rotten driver, you wrecked my Mercedes! I'm a lawyer, and I'm going to sue you for everything you have!" The other man responds, "You lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you just lost an arm." The lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells "Where's my Rolex!" >>>Today's Thot It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style. Received from Mikey's Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes * "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was." * "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling." * "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment." * "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time." * "Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting." * "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home." * "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet." * "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard." * "Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM." * "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday." Received from Good Clean Funny Laugh. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Something In Her Eye "Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to go to the doctor. It cost me fifty dollars." "That's nothing, last week a fur got in my wife's eye and it cost me five hundred dollars." ----- Comparing Notes Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked. She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without." ----- Thought Of The Day: Don't Take Life Too Seriously “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” -- Elbert Hubba

Daily Clean Jokes for January 26, 2025 Kirk's Limericks Students' multiplication rate climbs. They are better, but not in their primes. Kids are having success Here and there, so I guess They're succeeding, but not at all times. Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns Clocks with hands were once the only type of clock, but times have changed. The child was learning how to fish and was quickly catching on. Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures. A Native American walks into a posh restaurant. The maitré d' greets him at the counter and says, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but we have no tables available at this time." "That's okay," replies the Indian, "I have a reservation." Was Ms. Ciccone snooty even before she became famous? Yes, because she was a pre-Madonna. ----- Truly Nice https://www.wimp.com/man-goes-viral-for-his-snow-management-strategy/ ----- Good News- Fire https://tinyurl.com/fireherosfy Received from Kirk Miller. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Proposal Funny Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?" "No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out." "Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father. "Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I said, 'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'" >>>Today's Thot My lawn is chicken proof. It's impeccable. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Couples Time Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don't work out. ----- Surgery Anesthesia A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!” ----- Thought Of The Day: If There's A Book “If there's a book that you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.” -- Toni Morrison ----- Buffalo's Milk "Mom says that drinking a buffalo's milk makes us smarter." "She's lying. If it did make one smarter, then the buffalo's calves would be scientists." ----- Boat Number 99 At a boat rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime." "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99." The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-phone. "Boat number 66!" he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?" ----- Thought Of The Day: If At First You Don't Succeed “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” -- W.C. Fields Received from aJokeADay. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for or January 25, 2025 Kirk's Limericks A good punster once gave me a tip Years ago when he uttered this quip: For a play on words to Make much sense, surely you Know what's needed is good punmanship. Chris and Jim got it. Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge". Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed. ----- Airline Says It Will Cost Extra If You Want To Bring Your Legs Onboard Passengers of Frontier Airlines will now be required to pay an extra fee if they wish to fly with their legs onboard, the company announced in a press release. The new policy goes into effect this spring after the airline finishes training its personnel on how to best break both the news and legs of passengers. "If Frontier wasn't so cheap I would stop flying with them immediately," said one passenger. "But at least they're offering a convenient service to remove and pack away your legs at the gate. Of course, that also costs extra..." According to Frontier, flying has never been more comfortable now that legroom is no longer a concern. "Wow, so roomy!" said one newly legless passenger riding aboard an inaugural legless flight. "I'm glad I left my legs behind." Frontier CEO Ben Frontier expects the majority of passengers to travel without legs and, as such, has ordered all airplanes to jam all the seats together to accommodate more passengers. Those who do pay the extra fee to keep their legs will be required to sit "criss-cross applesauce" since there is nowhere else to put their legs. This is a preferred compromise to Frontier's original vision of stacking passengers up to the ceiling like pancakes and removing seats altogether. Doctors are reportedly advising their patients to avoid Frontier Airlines unless they are already missing legs. At publishing time, passengers were outraged to learn about the extra fee to check their legs at the ticket counter. Airline Says It Will Cost Extra If You Want To Bring Your Legs Onboard Babylon Bee. Received from Kirk Miller. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner Imagine a cereal so bad that 2 scoops of raisins made it better. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Spiritual Gifts During the French Revolution, there were three Christians who were sentenced to die by the guillotine. One Christian had the gift of faith, the other had the gift of prophecy, the other had the gift of helps. The Christian with the gift of faith was to be executed first. He was asked if he wanted to wear a hood over his head. He declined and said he was not afraid to die. "I have faith that God will deliver me!" he shouted bravely. His head was positioned under the guillotine, with his neck on the chopping block. He looked up at the sharp blade, said a short prayer and waited confidently. The rope was pulled, but nothing happened. His executioners were amazed and, believing that this must have been an act of God, they freed the man. The Christian with the gift of prophecy was next. His head was positioned under the guillotine blade and he too was asked if he wanted the hood. "No," he said, "I am not afraid to die. However, I predict that God will deliver me from this guillotine!" At that, the rope was pulled and again, nothing happened. Once, again the puzzled executioners assumed this must be a miracle of God, and they freed the man. The third Christian, w