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Daily Clean Jokes for January 10, 2025 Kirk's Limerick At the end of the year, woman claims To her football fan husband named James, "When I turn on TV, College football I see. I'm bowled over by all of the games." Chris got it. Kirk Miller KirkMiller@.... I will fill in the blanks tomorrow. ----- Kirk's Puns The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled. In some places fog will never be mist. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation. What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all. Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ More Curious Oneliners Recessions are started by people who fear recessions. The real cause of divorce is marriage. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. Recession: A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard of. I chose the path less traveled, but only because I was lost. Don't judge people by their relatives. You can pick your friends, but not your family. Not he, who has much, is rich, but he who gives much. Work when you should and play all the time. The police can do a search if it's warranted. Join the IRS! Be Audit You Can Be! Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water. A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same way. Received from Joke du Jour via GCFL. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point: ~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. ~ Stop exercising. Waste of time. ~ Read less. Makes you think. ~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. ~ Spend more time at work, checking your socials. ~ Get in a whole NEW rut! ~ Personal goal: Don't bring back disco. ~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. ~ Create loose ends. ~ Get more toys. ~ Get further in debt. ~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them. ~ Focus on the faults of others. ~ Mope about your faults. ~ Never make New Year's resolutions again. >>>Today's Thot Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment. Received from Mikey's Funnies. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Employee Motivation The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a check for $5,000!” Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another. “And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks!” ----- Chivalry Ain't Dead The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony divorce. "Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry, and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph." ----- Thought Of The Day: Don't Count the Days "Don't count the days. Make the days coun

Daily Clean Jokes for January 9, 2025 Kirk's Limericks Sold computer parts and I did thrive; Was the best at my firm, but now I've Been unable to sell. I am not doing well. And the reason: I just lost my drive. Conrad, Chris, Carol, Jim got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. A dyslexic man walks into a bra . . . Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz. Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired. What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Punch Bowl My son asked me if a punch bowl is a place where you keep names of people you want to punch... I usually keep them in my head, but keeping them in a fancy crystal bowl seems classy. ----- Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 Dear Customer Service, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate ----- Thought Of The Day: Trapped By Dogma "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people's thinking." ----- Star Wars Characters My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters. My daughter Chewbacca not so much. ----- Watching Star Wars I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun. I said to keep warm. She asked, "How warm is it inside?" I said, "Lukewarm." ----- Thought Of The Day: It Must Be Education “How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it.” ― Alexandre Dumas Received from aJokeADay. ~~ 21st Birthdays A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink. So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July. ----- Finding Her Place On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?" Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did." Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row." ----- Calls to Call Center Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?". Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?". --- RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?. Operator: Doesn't the product give you a

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Daily Clean Jokes for January 8, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Woman's bill for perfume is immense. It's four hundred bucks, quite an expense. The perfume is quite rare, Costs too much. Folks declare That she's known to have no common scents. Conrad, Carol, Chris, Lee, Jim got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Dream Funny Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" "Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams." >>>Today's Thot Christmas might be over, but not the core values we exercise in it. So don't let go of the kindness, sharing God's grace, and love shared between friends and family. Received from Mikey's Funnies. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ How long? A Christian starts to pray to God. He says, "God, how long is a million years to you?" God replies, "It's as a second my son." The the man says, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" God says, "It's as a penny, my son." The man says, "God, can I have one of those pennies?" God says, "Just wait a second, my son." Received from Kevin Rayner ----- Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. - Benjamin Franklin I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Mega Jones There's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation. - John Ciandi Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. - Steve Fergosi I went out with a guy who told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around. - Chelsea Handler In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol. It was the worst twenty minutes of my life. - George Best Hangover: The wrath of grapes. - Dorothy Parker The hard thing about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. - Richard Braunstein Not drunk is he, Who from the floor Can rise alone and still drink more; But drunk is he, who prostrate lies, Without the power to drink or rise. - Thomas Love Peacock Received from Wayne Onaka. ----- You Know You Are a Geek When You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font." You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money and time trying to track one down. You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes. Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny. Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "Python, C, C++, Pascal, Assembler, Javascript." Received from GCFL. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ New Year's Resolution This year I made my New Year's Resolution... To finish everything I sta... New Year's Resolution Part II A husband who has been working out as per his new years resolution says to his wife, "Honey, I think I took on too much for a beginner. I've decided to break up my workout." "Oh?" his wife asked, "How's the new work-out divided up?" The husband confidently replied, "Half for you and half for me." ----- Thought Of The Day: Write It On Your Heart "Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year." - Ralph W

Kirk's Limericks Near the end of the year, readers dwell On the folks who that year did excel. The person of the year May not be very clear. People say to just wait; Time will tell. Lee, Carol, Conrad, Dick, Jim, Chris, Grover, Bill got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. I tried to catch some Fog. I mist. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be ----- Once upon a time there were three moles; a papa mole, a momma mole and a baby mole. One morning the 3 moles were sniffing around their mole hole looking for food. The papa mole sniffed and said, “ Mmm! I smell carrots!” The momma more sniffed and said, “Mmmm. I smell radishes!” The baby mole sniffed, smiled and said, “ Mmmm! I smell molasses!! -------- Two blokes are sitting at the end of a bar. One orders a drink. The other one says, “From your voice, I’d guess you’re from Ireland.” “Yes, that I am,” says the second. “So am I. And from where in Ireland might you be?” says the first. I’m from Dublin, I am.” “Mother Mary. And on what street in Dublin did you live?” “A lovely little area of the old part of town, McCleary Street.” “Faith and begorrah. What a small world. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?” “Well, to St. Mary’s, of course.” “As did I,” the first bloke says, getting very excited. “And what year did you graduate?” “Oh, let me see now. ’Twas 1964, it was.” The first fellow is now beside himself. “The good Lord must be smiling on us. Imagine that the two of us should be meeting here, having grown up on the same street, gone to the same school, and graduated in the same year.” At that point, a woman enters, stands at the other end, and orders a drink. Brian, the bartender says, “Oh, Vicky, it’s going to be a long, tiring night.” “Now why would you be saying that, Brian?” “The Murphy twins are drunk again.” ----- Ignorant Boomer Tries To Pay With Cash Babylon Bee MILWAUKEE, WI — Recent security camera footage of Martha Holmes shows that the 73-year-old Wisconsin native ignorantly attempted to use cash to pay for her groceries yesterday. The video clearly shows Holmes offering a $20 bill to a confused store clerk, even after he gestured for Holmes to swipe or tap her credit card or iPhone to pay. "I was so confused," Holmes told reporters afterward. "The nice man kept asking me if I had a chip or not, and I only ever buy chips when the grandkids come over for a weekend. And then he said to tap my card, but I don't have a card. Do you think he was talking about those debit cards my son keeps mentioning? I hope he didn't think that I was trying to pass off a counterfeit bill or anything." The video also reveals that Holmes fished a coin purse out of her real purse at one point in a desperate attempt to give exact change. Though the footage is somewhat grainy, it appears to record a violent allergic reaction from the cashier. At publishing time, Holmes had been seen writing a letter to the grocery store to ask if they would please start taking cash again. ----- True News Caped Crusader: Kyle Whiting was getting his hair cut in Warrington, Cheshire, England, when he noticed his barber was distracted by something going on outside. Whiting, 32, looked up to see a man attacking a police officer. “I thought, ‘I’m not sitting back and watching this’,” he said later. He leapt from the barber’s chair and ran to assist the officer, with the barber’s cape flying behind him in the wind. By the time he arrived the cop was on the ground with the attacker, and other passersby had come to help too. The attacker was arrested. After going back to finish his haircut, Whiting went to the hospital to pick up his girlfriend. She happened to be sitting next to the officer, who was waiting for an X-ray

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Daily Clean Jokes for January 6, 2024 Today's One-Liner If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day "It takes two years to learn to speak and sixty to learn to keep quiet." - Ernest Hemingway ----- For All Comrades Puns about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them. ----- Gift Parrot There was a man who travelled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother. A few days later he called his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her. "Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious." "WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!" The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?" ----- Lesson in Teamwork: Buddy the Blind Horse An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!" "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." - Hebrews 12:1 ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Tips for Sustainable New Year's Resolutions Reduce the amount of plastic bags you use. ... Eat as much organic as possible. ... Buy local and seasonal foods. ... Say NO to fast fashion. ... Bring your own water bottle and cutlery. ... _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Stolen Glasses To the person who stole my glasses... I will find you, I have contacts! ----- Need To See ID An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old!" The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time." ----- Thought Of The Day: Before His Time “No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.” -- Groucho Marx ----- Mummy and Daddy Son to Dad: "What's the difference between an Egyptian mummy and our mummy?" Dad to Son: It's simple son. When we see an Egyptian mummy, you get fear. But when we see your mummy, then I get fear!" ----- Rough Landing A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick. "How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle th

Daily Clean Jokes for January 5, 2024 Kirk's Limerick As a chimney sweep, I came to rue Getting sick all the time and I knew From a company post On the Web, that the most Common ailment was simply the flue. Lee, Bill, Jim, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way. What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner. What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. Old schools never die, they just lose their principals. What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? "Brothers and sisters, let us spray." Received from Kirk Miller. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Going to Market Two elderly gentlemen in their mid-80s meet in the lobby of their apartment building. Both being hard of hearing, one asked the other in a louder voice, "Are you going to the market?" The other one replies, "No, no. I am going to the market." The first gentleman says, "Oh, I thought you were going to the market." ----- Grammar Lesson In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.” Paul replied, “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.” “Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?” “To get the best mark possible,” said Paul. ----- Thought Of The Day: A Good Place “A dead end is just a good place to turn around.” -- Naomi Judd ----- Don't Do It A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!" His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?" "Our wedding video." ----- His Recent Painting A starving artist was discussing his recent painting for a local museum. "Was it hung?" "Yes, near the entrance where everyone could see it." "Congratulations! What was it?" "A board saying, 'Keep to the left' ..." ----- Thought Of The Day: Words of Wisdom "Even a fish will keep out of trouble if it keeps its mouth shut." Received from aJokeADay. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Grammar Lesson Misc Jokes In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.” Paul replied, “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.” “Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?” “To get the best mark possible,” said Paul. ~~ Oops. Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report. "Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot." ----- Too Much Television Q: How do you know a kid who's watches too much TV? A: You ask a five-year-old what sound a duck makes, and his answered "AFLAC!" ----- Stupid A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up." Right away, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "I don’t, ma'am, but I

Daily Clean Jokes for January 4, 2025 Kirk's Puns I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and Squeak Who ever invented the “Knock-Knock jokes” should get a No-bell prize "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground." A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?" ----- Newborn Starting To Suspect There's No Milk In This Pacifier Local newborn Sebastian Weaver III is starting to suspect this blue nipple he's been furiously sucking on for 3 hours might not contain any milk. "Yeah, something feels off here," said Weaver, according to sources within the baby community. "If I didn't know better, I'd say this whole thing might be a ruse to keep me quiet, and not a source of delicious milk after all. But that's crazy. What kind of a sick person would do that?" According to experts, the conspiracy theory that pacifiers, also known as "binkies," are not real nipples, contain no nourishing milk, and are actually a cruel joke played on children by their parents, has been growing among children between the ages of 0 and 2. "I'd prefer to believe my parents would never do something like that to me," said Weaver, "but I've been nursing on this thing all afternoon and I'm getting absolutely nothing here. There might be something to the rumors." Sources also report that Weaver's father made several desperate attempts to keep the pacifier in their son's mouth as he had begun to lose interest, including tapping on it, wiggling it around, and taping it to his head with duct tape. At publishing time, the child had also begun to suspect that his parents may not actually be disappearing into another dimension when they play Peek-A-Boo with him. Received from Babylon Bee via Kirk Miller. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Happy on Monday What do you call a person that is Happy on Monday? RETIRED! ----- New Best Friend Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another. Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom. “Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked. “It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!” “Hey wait a second!" said Mark. “Aren’t I your best friend?” “Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!” ----- Thought Of The Day: What You Have In Life "If you look at what you have in life, you'll always have more. If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough." ----- Blame It On the Media Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die. Shows how toxic the media is. ----- Just Put It In Park Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center, I rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?" ----- Thought Of The Day: Stupidity Is the Answer “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” -- Will Rogers Received from aJokeADay. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner I understand why we need warning labels on products but I think they should start including the back story of why the warning was necessary ... just to spice things up. ----- Melodic Assault This morning I was walking down the street and I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet, and then a French horn! I think it wa

Daily Clean Jokes for January 3, 2025 New Year's Limerick There was a young lady named Daisy Who said, "Resolutions are crazy, The New Year is boring So I'll keep on snoring, Because I'm essentially lazy." -- John Brown ----- I'm Gonna Lose Weight!This New Year I'm gonna lose weight 'cause my boyfriend's starting to berate he says I'm too shoddy for his "sweet muscled body" so I kicked out his fat ass -- post haste! -- Serenem _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________What's a spider's New Year's resolution? To spend less time on the web. What does a ghost say on January 1st? Happy Boo Year! What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve? Hogs and kisses. Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year's resolutions ... tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf. Knock knock. Who’s there? Radio. Radio who? Radio not, it’s a new year. How can you keep a New Year's resolution to read more while never opening a book? Watch TV with subtitles. As seen at Goodhousekeeping._________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Nose Why is the nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter! ----- Absent-Minded Professor A professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded. "Professors haven't got bad memory," he declared. "They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was today? Would somebody like to ask me another question?" "Yes," said another guest. "Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memory?" "Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question." ----- Thought Of The Day: A Succession of Lessons “Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson ----- Soap In My Chicken Little Henry sits at the dinner table. He reaches for his plate, picks up a chicken leg, and starts to eat. His mother says, "Henry did you wash your hands?" Henry replies, "No! I don’t want my chicken to taste like soap, mom!" ----- Magician Without Magic What do you call a Magician without magic? Ian. ----- Thought Of The Day: Why Call It Rush Hour “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” -- Robin Williams ----- Time for Pay Raise I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job. He asked which companies? I told him gas, electric, and cable. ----- Beer Quiz Do I want a beer? A) Yes B) A C) B D) All of the above ----- Thought Of The Day: Have You Ever Noticed “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” -- George Carlin ----- Describe Me In Five Words I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect! Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces. ----- A Difficult Breakfast A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu. “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” "That’s a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday.” ----- Thought Of The Day: If You Die In An Elevator “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” -- Sam Levenson ----- Never Single Do you know why potatoes are never single in a bag? Because they have a lot of buds. -----

Daily Clean Jokes for January 2, 2025 Kirk's Limerick I decided that I would go scout For some gold, but I failed and did pout. Started out with much hope. At the end I did mope. And the reason: It didn't pan out. Grover, Conrad, Chris, Jim got it. Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns My wife says that I volunteer too much at non-profit organizations. When we were sitting at a recent meeting, someone asked for volunteers for a project. My wife bumped me with her knee, signaling me not to say Yes. After the meeting, a friend asked why my wife did that, and I explained that she does it on a kneed to No basis. -- Kirk Miller Is a church that advertises its confessional services an ad mission of guilt? I had to go to the dentist, but my regular guy was away, so my cavity had to be taken care of by someone who was filling in. The appointment was at tooth hurtie. He started to get on my nerves. But I had to be kind to him because he has fillings too. He definitely had his own flossify on how to fix teeth. In the end, it was a very full filling trip. Two parts of the eye were discussing who told better puns. Their debate raged on, until one said to the other, "You are simply the pupil. I am by far the cornea of the two of us." I asked the electrician to change the circuit breaker, but he refused. ----- HAPPY HOLIDAYS Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2025, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, sexual preference, or amount of non-patent prior art searching of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.) Received from Kirk Miller. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y "Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." --Kurt Vonnegut "Reality is something you rise above." --Liza Minnelli "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." --John F. Kennedy ----- *-- Q and A Quickies --*Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? A: Only half way. Q: Why can't a woman ask her brother for help? A: Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. Q: What kind of vegetable do you get when a giant walks through your garden? A: A squash. Q: What tree is karate champion? A: Spruce Lee. Q: What do potatoes wear to bed? A: Their yammies. Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar? A: Buy a deck of c

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Daily Clean Jokes for December 31, 2024 Kirk's Limerick A stenographer job demanded Skills she had, but the gal was stranded Without getting a job, And to me she did sob. She was told that they weren't short-handed. Carol, Conrad, Chris, Jim got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive" What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. ----- FBI Assures Nation Drones Just U.S. Government Spying On Its Own Citizens Babylon Bee U.S. — FBI Director Christopher Wray sought to reassure Americans that the drones being spotted over New Jersey were simply from the United States government spying on its own citizens. While theories mounted that the drones could be Iranian or even extra-terrestrial in origin, Wray assured the nation that they represented nothing more nefarious than the FBI secretly watching and recording American citizens. "There is no cause for alarm," said Wray. "These are nothing but harmless cameras and microphones hovering in the sky, recording everything you do and transmitting it to the FBI and CIA. Please, do not attempt to shoot them down. Also, if everyone could leave their curtains and blinds open, that would be super helpful." Residents of New Jersey welcomed the news, grateful to know they were merely having all of their movements tracked by their own government. "What a relief," said local woman Abigail Montero. "We were starting to really worry what was happening. Now, I can calm my kids down by telling them that all the bright lights hovering in the sky are just government spy drones watching them sleep." At publishing time, Wray had assured Americans that any drones seen landing in neighborhoods were only directing FBI teams as to where to arrest people for thought crimes. ----- WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA? A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.' ' What type of bra?' asked the clerk. 'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?' ' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. ' Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.' {A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there {C} Can't Complain {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake {G} Get a Reduction {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up! They forgot the German bra: Holtzemfromfloppen Received with thanks from Kirk Miller. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned? ----- Thought of the Day: Thought Of The Day:, Do It Out of Love, “Work out because you love your body, not because you hate it.”, - Sudeep Kumar _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket He is approached by the game warden who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lob

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Daily Jokes for December 29, 2024 Kirk's Limericks Some advice from my mom I recall: If some day, deep in love you do fall With short girl, go get 'er 'Cause it's always better To have loved a short girl than not a tall. Conrad and Jim and Dickhead got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath. The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line. The dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted. Received from Kirk Miller. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Wonder Woman and Spider-Man What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business? Amazon Web Services. ----- The President And His Small Dog The former President is disembarking his private plane, carrying his tiny dog. One of his Secret Service men says, "Nice dog, sir." The President says, "Thanks, I got it for the former First Lady." The Secret Service man replies, "Nice trade, sir." ----- Thought Of The Day: Just Begin “Begin anywhere. ” -- John Cage ----- Which Click Is It? A father was teaching his 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. The daughter asked, "Do I click the square?" The father said, "Yes." The daughter then wanted to know, "Single click or double click?" ----- Looking Better What is the difference between a salon and a saloon? A salon is where you go to make yourself look better. A saloon is where you go to make everyone else look better. ----- Thought Of The Day: The Nice Thing About Egotists “The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.” - Lucille S. Harper ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lazy My son is so lazy he won’t empty the trash in the computer recycle bin! ----- Small Town Justice A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain." "Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back." "But officer, I just wanted to say ...." "And I said KEEP QUIET! You're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell.... "I'm the groom!" ----- Shoe Repair Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly. ----- Internetaholics Anonymous Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. Yes, you--we're talkin

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Daily Clean Jokes for December 28, 2024 Kirk's Limerick If you don't want to get any fatter, What you put on your plate sure does matter. Here's a tip; please try it: A successful diet Is the triumph of mind over platter. Conrad, Jim, Carol, Chris, Grover got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work." I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words . ----- An Oldie but a Goodie My Grandfather’s clock sat for 90 years keeping perfect time with its never ceasing, ‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock’. One dreadful day not long ago, it began to lose time. It no longer went, ‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock’ but that had now changed to only, ‘Tick Tick Tick Tick’. I was advised to take it to a very old German watchmaker in the district who was the only person with enough skills to get the clock running right again. He asked the story. I told him that for so many decades it had sat there keeping perfect time with its, ‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock’. But now sadly it was losing time with just its, ‘Tick Tick Tick Tick’ . The old German put on his monocle, approached the face of the clock with a wild look in his eyes and calmly said, “Ve haff vays of making you Tock”. ----- True News These Are Not the Voyages: Beda Koorey gets billed for tolls. She gets tickets: “red light, speeding, parking, school zone,” she says. The citations arrive at the 76-year-old’s Huntington, N.Y., mailbox from places around the United States where she denies she’s been driving. “I don’t have a car, I don’t drive. Those plates were turned in,” she says. The plates in question bore the number of the Starship Enterprise. And while her NCC-1701 plates were issued by the state of New York, fake plates with the same number can be purchased online. The fake plates cost $15; Koorey’s tickets and tolls have gotten into five digits. New York’s Department of Motor Vehicles says its database no longer links Koorey to the iconic number, and argues that updating the databases used by other states is a matter for those states to address. Legislators and a lawyer got on the issue after it hit television. (AC/WCBS New York) ...Hit television is where this started. Ashes to Forests: A new study has confirmed that parts of Mount St. Helens in Washington are faring much better because of a small project. Two years after the volcano’s massive eruption decimated 135 square miles of forest, the landscape “contained no measurable carbon or nitrogen.” Scientists transported a group of gophers from Butte Camp on the southern face to Pumice Plain on the north. One day later, the gophers were collected and returned home. When the scientists came back sixyears later, they found 40,000 plants in the areas where the gophers had been digging, while nearby areas remained desolate. And the impact has continued to compound. “Who would have predicted you could toss a gopher in for a day and see a residual effect 40 years later?” said microbiologist Michael Allen of the University of California, Riverside, and one of the study’s authors. The study credits a beneficial fungus in the gophers’ fur, along with their constant digging to break up the ash on the surface. Lead researcher Mia Maltz says the study will inform future work in recovering from disasters like this. “We can mimic gophers by scarifying soils or digging with a gardening tool (hoe), and adding in local spores and soil from undisturbed ecosystems,” she said. (MS/NPR) ...Or they could just toss in a few gophers. Topped Off with Christmas Pudding: Michelin-starred chef Tommy Banks of North Yorkshire, England, baked 2,500 pies for a Christmas fair and had them all loaded into a refrigerated van for delivery. The van was stolen. Police recovered it,