Daily Clean Jokes for January 2, 2025? ? ? ? ?
Kirk's Limerick
I decided that I would go scout For some gold, but I failed and did pout. ????????????Started out with much hope. ????????????At the end I did mope. And the reason: It?didn't?pan?out. ? Grover, Conrad, Chris, Jim got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
My wife says that I volunteer too much at non-profit organizations.??When we were sitting at a recent meeting, someone asked for volunteers for a project.??My wife bumped me with her knee, signaling me not to say Yes.??After the meeting, a friend asked why my wife did that, and I explained that she does it on a kneed to No basis. -- Kirk Miller ? Is a church that advertises its confessional services an ad mission of guilt? ? I had to go to the dentist, but my regular guy?was away, so my cavity had to be taken care of by someone who was filling in.??The appointment was at tooth hurtie.??He started to get on my nerves.??But I had to be kind to him because he has fillings too.??He definitely had his own flossify on how to fix teeth.??In the end, it was a very full filling trip. ? Two parts of the eye were discussing who told better puns.??Their debate raged on, until one said to the other, "You are simply the pupil.??I am by far the cornea of the two of us." ? I asked the electrician to change the circuit breaker, but he refused.
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HAPPY HOLIDAYS
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2025, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, sexual preference, or amount of non-patent prior art searching of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
Received from Kirk Miller.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand."--Kurt Vonnegut"Reality is something you rise above."--Liza Minnelli"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."--John F. Kennedy
----- ? ? ? ? ? ?*-- Q and A Quickies --*Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
A: Only half way.
Q: Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?
A: Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.
Q: What kind of vegetable do you get when a giant walks through your garden?
A: A squash.
Q: What tree is karate champion?
A: Spruce Lee.
Q: What do potatoes wear to bed?
A: Their yammies.
Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?
A: Buy a deck of cards.
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"A company is working on a new selfie stick shaped like a human arm so users won't look like they're alone in pictures. Instead you'll just look like a completely normal person who's carrying around a severed human arm." -Seth Meyers *** "A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die." -Conan O'Brien
***"A new survey found that a growing number of millennials want to work from home and get more time off. They would have said more, but they had to pick up their gold star for participating in that survey." -Jimmy Fallon
***After a long day of shopping, my daughter and I stopped at a grocery store. I ran in to pick up a few things, leaving her in the car. As I approached the checkout I was surprised to see my daughter there waiting for me.
"Honey," I said, "what are you doing in here? I left the motor running."
"It's all right, Mom," she replied reassuringly. "I locked the doors."
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My girlfriend isn't the brightest bulb. One day when she was being particularly dimwitted, I said in frustration, "What's your IQ anyway?!"
She shot back defiantly, "20/20!"
Received from Clean Laffs.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ *-- New Years Resolutions for Pets --*15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
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*-- I Think I'm A Dog --*Patient: "Doctor, Doctor, I think I am a dog."
Doctor: "Lie down on the couch."
Patient: "I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture."
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*-- Q and A Quickies --*Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: What does a pessimistic Rooster say?
A: Cock-a-doodle-don't.
~~
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.
Later he came home with the pizza and the coupon.
When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon." -----
Judge asks the defendant, ¡°Why did you steal that car, Mr. Jones?¡±
Mr. Jones looks down, ¡°I just had to get to work for an important meeting.¡±
The judge keeps asking, ¡°Well why didn¡¯t you take a bus?¡±
Mr. Jones looks up, surprised, ¡°Don¡¯t you need a special license to drive the bus?¡± ----- Thought Of The Day:??Perfection "Only in Grammar can you be more than perfect." -- William Safire? -----
A girl asks a boy, "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, ¡°But it¡¯s morning, there are no stars?¡±
Boy nods, "Exactly." -----
Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've been to the dentist."
"You should have used the drive-through," she said.
"Why?"
"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained. ----- Thought Of The Day:??Choose Your Circle Wisely "Choose your circle wisely. Your network determines your net worth." ~~
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
----- Quick Quotes "Today President Bush had a meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. The meeting had two translators, and they still had a rough time. Mainly trying to figure out the translation for "okie dokie." -- Conan O'Brien --- "According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to live a healthier lifestyle." --Jay Leno --- "Running...people think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run...you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?" --George Carlin -----
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
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