Kirk's Limericks
Near the end of the year, readers dwell On the folks who that year did excel. ????????????The person of the year ????????????May not be very clear. People say to just wait;?Time?will?tell. ? Lee, Carol, Conrad, Dick, Jim, Chris, Grover, Bill?got it.?
Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. ? I tried to catch some Fog. I mist. ? Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. ? I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. ? How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. ? Why was the ink drop sad? ????Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be
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Once upon a time there were three moles; a papa mole, a momma mole and a baby mole. One morning the 3 moles were sniffing around their mole hole looking for food. The papa mole sniffed and said, ¡° Mmm! I smell carrots!¡± The momma more sniffed and said, ¡°Mmmm. I smell radishes!¡± The baby mole sniffed, smiled and said, ¡° Mmmm! I smell molasses!!
-------- Two blokes are sitting at the end of a bar. One orders a drink. The other one says, ¡°From your voice, I¡¯d guess you¡¯re from Ireland.¡± ¡°Yes, that I am,¡± says the second. ¡°So am I. And from where in Ireland might you be?¡± says the first. I¡¯m from Dublin, I am.¡± ¡°Mother Mary. And on what street in Dublin did you live?¡± ¡°A lovely little area of the old part of town, McCleary Street.¡± ¡°Faith and begorrah. What a small world. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?¡± ¡°Well, to St. Mary¡¯s, of course.¡± ¡°As did I,¡± the first bloke says, getting very excited. ¡°And what year did you graduate?¡± ¡°Oh, let me see now. ¡¯Twas 1964, it was.¡± The first fellow is now beside himself. ¡°The good Lord must be smiling on us. Imagine that the two of us should be meeting here, having grown up on the same street, gone to the same school, and graduated in the same year.¡± At that point, a woman enters, stands at the other end, and orders a drink. Brian, the bartender says, ¡°Oh, Vicky, it¡¯s going to be a long, tiring night.¡± ¡°Now why would you be saying that, Brian?¡± ¡°The Murphy twins are drunk again.¡±
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Ignorant Boomer Tries To Pay With Cash Babylon Bee
MILWAUKEE, WI ¡ª Recent security camera footage of Martha Holmes shows that the 73-year-old Wisconsin native ignorantly attempted to use cash to pay for her groceries yesterday. The video clearly shows Holmes offering a $20 bill to a confused store clerk, even after he gestured for Holmes to swipe or tap her credit card or iPhone to pay. "I was so confused," Holmes told reporters afterward. "The nice man kept asking me if I had a chip or not, and I only ever buy chips when the grandkids come over for a weekend. And then he said to tap my card, but I don't have a card. Do you think he was talking about those debit cards my son keeps mentioning? I hope he didn't think that I was trying to pass off a counterfeit bill or anything." The video also reveals that Holmes fished a coin purse out of her real purse at one point in a desperate attempt to give exact change. Though the footage is somewhat grainy, it appears to record a violent allergic reaction from the cashier. At publishing time, Holmes had been seen writing a letter to the grocery store to ask if they would please start taking cash again.
----- True News ? Caped Crusader:?Kyle Whiting was getting his hair cut in Warrington, Cheshire, England, when he noticed his barber was distracted by something going on outside. Whiting, 32, looked up to see a man attacking a police officer. ¡°I thought, ¡®I¡¯m not sitting back and watching this¡¯,¡± he said later. He leapt from the barber¡¯s chair and ran to assist the officer, with the barber¡¯s cape flying behind him in the wind. By the time he arrived the cop was on the ground with the attacker, and other passersby had come to help too. The attacker was arrested. After going back to finish his haircut, Whiting went to the hospital to pick up his girlfriend. She happened to be sitting next to the officer, who was waiting for an X-ray of his finger; it was broken in the incident. (RC/BBC)?...Which Whiting quickly fixed up for the cop thanks to his X-ray vision. Popping Up:?Last year, the first Pop-Tarts Bowl in Orlando, Fla., thrilled football fans after the game ended: a man dressed as a giant Pop Tart went into a giant toaster holding a sign that read, ¡°Dreams really do come true.¡± Then, it popped up as a ¡°real¡± giant toaster pastry, and the winning team ate it. This year they¡¯re amping it up: fans were asked to choose from three flavors for the edible mascot; ¡°Cinnamon Roll¡± won. The winning team will be able to satisfy future Pop-Tart cravings: the trophy is a working toaster. (MS/South Florida Sun-Sentinel)?...Now that¡¯s a celebrity roast. Paging Dr. Streisand:?¡°There was no United logo on the design, just Luigi,¡± Sean Morrow wrote on X. And yet, according to a screenshot shared by artist Rachel Kenaston, TeePublic told her that it had received a Digital Millennium Copyright Act take down notice from UnitedHealth Group, the parent company of UnitedHealthcare, whose CEO, Brian Thompson, was allegedly killed by Luigi Mangione. In the wake of the shooting, there has been much criticism of the health insurer, and Mangione has been treated as a folk hero. ¡°So #UnitedHealthcare thinks they have the rights to my Luigi design?¡± Kenaston, of Brooklyn, N.Y., posted. Emphasizing that the design was Kenaston¡¯s own artwork, Morrow asked, ¡°How does that infringe on UnitedHealth [intellectual property] or copyright at all?¡± (AC/Newsweek)?...UnitedHealth: ¡°IP on you!¡± Luigi fans: ¡°Yes, you do.¡± Full Circle:?Richard Lacey admitted in Llandrindod Wells Magistrates Court that he drove while drunk in Talgarth, Wales. His alcohol level, as measured by a breathalyser device, was 41 micrograms of alcohol in 100 ml of breath; the legal limit is 35 micrograms. Lacey, 70, came to police attention after crashing his car on a roundabout. ¡°I misjudged how much I¡¯d drunk,¡± he said, representing himself in court. ¡°I had a couple of glasses of wine with lunch and a few pints of beer.¡± As for what he does for work, he replied, ¡°I¡¯m retired. I designed breathalysers and used to work with the police.¡± (RC/Shropshire Star)?...Pocket breathalysers: as little as 20 pounds on Amazon.
You¡¯re Either Going to Love This, or Hate It
¡®Polarization¡¯ is Merriam-Webster¡¯s 2024 Word of the Year
AP headline Received from Kirk Miller.
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 Curious One LinersTwo Mohicans walk into a bar. That was the last I saw of them.
A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.
Did you really think Mr. Rogers wanted you or me as a neighbor?
When you're rich, it's "eccentric"; when you're poor, it's just strange.
A grown-up is someone who suffers from responsibility.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Your dreams will come true as soon as you're ready.
Received from Joke du Jour via GCFL. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Know when you have a problem?
When you stand in your living room to take a picture, and after you say "Cheese", a rat jumps out and says, "Where?" -----
A woman was visiting the zoo when she passed two workmen that were crying.
"Why are you guys crying?" she asked.
One replied, "One of the elephants just died."
"The big elephant must have been your favorite animal in the zoo?" she asked.
"No, Ma'am-- love has nothing to do with it. The boss told us we have to dig the grave."
----- Thought Of The Day:??Nothing Is Impossible ¡°People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.¡±?¨D A.A. Milne, 'Winnie-the-Pooh' -----
Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer. -----
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack.
"That must be expensive," Bob replied.
"He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him.
"$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.
"I don't know. That's his problem." ----- Thought Of The Day: Getting Rid of Stress Walk barefoot. Doing so stimulates pressure points on the soles, releasing the calming hormone dopamine. Received from aJokeADay. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk, and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
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Mean Old Woman An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.? His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down." ----- Florist Mistake On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."? "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply. ----- Nerd Overpopulation This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."? The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em." ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- Original Airdate: September 27th, 1973
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DEAR ABBY: I am a widow of two decades who has raised a family in an old historic home in a small island town. In the course of renovating and maintaining the home, a father-and-son electrician team have been like family. During the past year or so, the dad, who is in his late 70s (older than I am) has started making unwanted romantic overtures in the form of suggestive or lovey-dovey texts, emails, phone calls, invitations to lunch or cocktails and professions of having harbored "secret fantasies" while working for me throughout the years. What's even worse is that his romantic partner of decades is in a mid-range stage of dementia. I find this annoying and insulting, and I have politely discouraged or tried to deflect his overtures with humor. Fortunately, he does not live on the island, but if he sees my car in town, he begs me to meet up for a "quick hug." Electricians of his caliber are rare, and I really can't afford to lose him. His moonlighting rates have always been a "friends and family" deal. His son has taken a job with a big outfit and is rarely available. How do I pull the plug on the dad's amorous advances, without him blowing a fuse? -- EXTINGUISHED IN MAINE DEAR EXTINGUISHED: Tell this man in plain English that you think he is a terrific friend, but you are morally opposed to involving yourself romantically with anyone whose partner is ill. He needs to hear it.
DEAR ABBY: My mom and two sisters constantly complain about their physical ailments. None of them has been evaluated or diagnosed by a physician. They have tried repeatedly to treat themselves with outdated advice and cure-alls that aren't backed by scientific information. I have tried to express to them the importance of proper nutrition and resistance training, since building and keeping muscle is so important as we age. Abby, I'm no expert, but I have transformed my body and my life with those simple rules. My mom and sisters are so defensive and dismissive of my advice, I've all but given up trying to talk to them. If they won't at least try something new to feel better, how can I deal with their constant complaining? Do I keep suggesting the same things to them? Do I ignore their complaints? -- FAMILY HELPER IN CALIFORNIA DEAR HELPER: Because trying to guide your mother and your sisters toward a healthier lifestyle hasn't worked and has become a source of frustration for you, stop trying to help. They have tuned you out, and your efforts are wasted. A step in the right direction would be to ignore their complaints and change the subject rather than give them advice they won't follow. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
By Michael Roizen, M.D.? Whether you say "si" or "oui" or "nai," saying "yes" to a Mediterranean diet can protect your heart and extend your life. A new study in Nutrients looked at data on almost 680,000 folks and found that sticking to a Mediterranean diet decreases the risk of a heart attack or stroke by 23% and your chance of dying from a cardiovascular complication by 27%.
The basics of a Med diet are 100% whole grains, fruits, vegetables, legumes, nuts, seeds and olive oil -- with fish, seafood, ... _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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