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"Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it?

First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice.

If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"

~ George Carlin

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Two Lions

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.?

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."

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For the Kids

How do fireflies start a race?
Ready steady glow!

If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player?
The one in the sugar bowl!

How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
Put a pile of manure in the living room!

What did one firefly say to the other?
Got to glow now!?

What goes "snap, crackle and pop"?
A firefly with a short circuit!

Which fly makes films?
Stephen Speilbug!

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The Bathroom

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."?

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

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Newspaper Bloopers

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English."

- On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

- The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.

- With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

- A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.?

- Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.

- He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

- Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

- A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

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Thoughts That Are Insignificant

Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?

I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.

My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.

If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.?

There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?

Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?

Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

DEAR ABBY: I dated a colleague when I was 22 but broke it off because I couldn't deal with the fact that he was several inches shorter than me. I did not tell him why. I just said, "It's me, not you."

I am now in my 60s, have had a very successful career, never married and see online that he became a distinguished researcher. In his online picture, he looks like a sweet older man now, and I would give anything to reconnect with him. Would this be foolish?

Was I too insensitive at 22 to understand that I likely hurt him? Do you think he would forgive me if I got in touch with him now? He lives far away, so an in-person meeting would be out of the question in the near term. Would an email be OK? He's in his early 70s and not married. -- STUPID THEN IN OHIO

DEAR 'STUPID': At 22, you weren't insensitive; you were shallow. Look at this from that man's perspective. What is he supposed to think when he receives an email 40 years after a colleague dumped him by saying, "It's me, not you"? Remember, as successful as he is now, he is not any taller. My advice is to leave it alone, find someone you can be physically attracted to who lives geographically closer, appreciates how successful you have been in your career and is open to a relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I am a childless 70-year-old man. Every year around the anniversary of my brother's death, some relatives get together and travel to his hometown to celebrate him. We have a remembrance at the cemetery and go to Mass together on Sunday. We also go out for meals and drinks. There are three generations involved now, the youngest of the kids being 10.

This year, my cousin's son and his wife had a baby. We're all happy for them. A couple of days ago, I sent a group text on our family thread saying I didn't think it was a good idea to take an infant on this trip. I explained that I felt it would distract from the purpose of the get-together. Well, my cousin is offended and won't tell me why. I carefully worded my message so I didn't say anything negative. Was I wrong? -- TRADITIONALIST IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TRADITIONALIST: You wrote that the purpose of this get-together is for the family to honor your deceased brother and celebrate his life together. When you posted your message on the family thread, did you expect your cousin's son and his wife to skip the event and stay home with their baby? Their baby is part of the family and may be too young to be without their mother. While your carefully worded message reflects your feelings, it was out of line, and I can see why it upset your cousin.