THE POSTMAN
?so on New Years eve, I went to the liquor store.
She does not drink, would not take me,
so I rode my bike. On the way home,
I put the bottle on the bike and then thought, well
what if I fall. So, I drank the whole bottle before I
came home. Turned out to be a good decision, I fell
several times on the way.
ENJOY THE JOKES
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away?
from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.?
To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.?
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the
land of our fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must?
confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."?"Oi vey," replied the father, "what?
have I done?" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought?
his advice and solace.?"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend. "I, too,?
sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian." So in the tradition of the patriarchs,?
they went to the Rabbi.?"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi.?
"I, too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.? What is happening to our sons??
Brothers, we must take this to the Lord." They fell to their knees and began to pour out their?
hearts to the Almighty.?As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said,?
"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel..."?
??
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren,?
nieces and nephews, or students ...here is something to make you laugh.?Whenever your?
children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence?
did not extend to His own children.?After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.?
And the first thing he said was, "Don't."?"Don't what?" Adam replied.?
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.?"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve ...?
we have forbidden fruit!"?
"No way!"?
"Yes, way!"?
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.?
"Why?"?
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped?
creation after making the elephants).?
A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and was he ticked!?
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked??
"Uh huh," Adam replied.?
"Then why did you?" said the Father.?
"I don't know," said Eve.?
"She started it!" Adam said.?
"Did not!"?
"Did too!"?
"DID NOT!"?
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should?
have children of their own. ?Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is?
reassurance in this story. ?If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and?
they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made?
you think it would be a piece of cake for you??
??
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on?
the aspirin bottle:? "Take two aspirin"? and "Keep away from children."?You spend the first 2?
years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them?
to sit down and shut-up.?Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.?
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.?
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.?
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children?
more awful than your own.?
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!?
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.?
??
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.?
Unfortnately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. ?The captain saw him drunk and?
when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate?
was drunk today."?"Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months?
or years to my becoming a captain myself."?
"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.?
"Yes, its true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it?
goes into the log, end of discussion" said the captain sternly.?
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems?
in good shape. The captain was sober today."?
?
?
how to be a grownup
?
Tony
?
?
when I was 2
?
?
mowing the lawn
?
changed my password
?
distracted
?
not saying
?
Olympic condoms
?
because of Trump
?
what I am looking for
?
my new medical alert bracelet
?
the toad stool
?
you're the reason
?
a special man
?
mom what is that
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So the holidays are over. We are back to
the old routine. This is that time of year
that we suffer the good old cabin fever thing.
You know. we are all tired of sitting around?
for winter. We all are feeling regret over the?
extra pounds we gained this winter. So, what
to do? I decided that I am gonna eat healthy this
year!
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving?
card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma?
showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children?
liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh yeah?" her young?
grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"?
?
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching?
you!''while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, ''Who said that?!'' Once?
again he heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!'' The robber looked around?
the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot?
replied, ''Cornelius.'' The robber said, ''What kind of a name is that?! Who names?
a parrot that?!'' The parrot said, ''The same person who named that rottweiler?
behind you Jesus!'' ?
 ?A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It?
takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down?
the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to?
them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his?
and she yells: ''No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!''?
?
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary?
surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained?
consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was?
waiting by his bed. 'Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,' said the?
nun, gently patting his hand. 'We do need to know, however, how you?
intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?'?
'No, I'm not,' the man whispered hoarsely. 'Can you pay in cash?'?
persisted the nun. 'I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.' 'Well, do you have any?
close relatives?' the nun said. 'Just my sister in New Mexico,' he volunteered.?
'But she's a humble spinster nun.' 'Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith.?
Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God.' 'Wonderful,' said Smith.?
'In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.' ?
?
What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal?
and the scientific name in Latin.?
A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.?
?
?
irrisistable to men
?
the company website
?
complaint department
?
another computer
?
I got a computer
?
computer froze
?
this generation
?
resolutions
?
your greatest weakness
?
Frosty
?
cookies
?
free ice cream
?
dnew years resolution
?
the electric bill
?
your profile
|
THE POSTMAN
OK So I hope every one has a happy holiday! I am gonna keep sending em out over
there for THE POSTMAN'S CORNER as long as yahoogroups keeps cooperating. But
I will take a little break here for THE POSTMAN. I will catch up with you after the holidays!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought?
it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?"?
he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.?
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
?"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought?
out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like?
to see something real cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.
?
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.?
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said 'who owns the big?
white horse outside?' The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and?
said, 'I do... Why?' The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, 'I just?
thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!' The Lone?
Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die?
from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water. The Lone Ranger?
turned to Tonto and said, 'Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you
can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.' Tonto said,?
'Sure, Kemosabe' and took off running circles around Silver. A few minutes?
later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, 'Who owns that big white
horse outside?' The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, 'I do, what's wrong?
with him this time?' The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,?
'Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'.'?
?
Two boys were arrested, one was drinking battery acid and one was eating fireworks.?
They charged one and let one off.?
??
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.?
It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down?
the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them.?
As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:?
''No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!''?
?
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The?
operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was?
reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. 'Mr. Smith, you're going?
to be just fine,' said the nun, gently patting his hand. 'We do need to know, however,?
how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?' 'No, I'm?
not,' the man whispered hoarsely. 'Can you pay in cash?' persisted the nun. 'I'm?
afraid I cannot, Sister.' 'Well, do you have any close relatives?' the nun said.?
'Just my sister in New Mexico,' he volunteered. 'But she's a humble spinster nun.'
?'Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God.'
?'Wonderful,' said Smith. 'In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.' ?
?
?
?
English class
?
the turkey dinner
?
have a look John
?
stop avoiding me
?
for senior beer drinkers
?
wear a bra
?
joy to the world
?
help me
?
Frosty is cold
?
want it tight
?
swearing is unattractive
?
Noah and the unicorns
?
wrong every time
?
out of your league
?
we got him a computer
?
|
?
?
THE POSTMAN
The war dept. and daughter were getting coats
and boots on...so I ask "Where ya going?"
"We are gonna go up to Aldi to the grocery store."
"Well if you are gonna go there, pick up some
chocolate donuts, the ones with sprinkles on em."
"Just yesterday you were talking about how you
wanted to make healthier choices. Donuts are NOT
healthy." "Yes they are! Well, anyways,
donuts are a lot healthier choice than a lot of
things! For example, donuts are healthier?
than crystal meth." Women, they just don't understand!
After failing to convince her of the better value
of donuts, I said. "OK just get some donuts with
no sprinkles then." You know, life is compromises,
right?
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
"Jimmy! I thought I told you to do the dishes after you do your?
homework! Why are you watching television?" "It's okay,?
Mom! I haven't done my homework yet."?
?
This old man goes to the doctor's. ''Help, Doc. I just got married?
to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is?
have sex all day long.'' ''So what's the problem?''?
''I can't remember where I live.''?
??
A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack,?
I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years?
and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been?
stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think?
another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
?
A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The?
income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked,?
and the air conditioning didn't work. People simply wouldn't?
come because of the heat. And the church didn't have the?
funds to pay for any repairs. The minister got a brilliant?
idea.?He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to?
cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain,?
swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a?
hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down?
the aisle and put $20 in the plate."?They did, and he had the church's?
roof fixed that week.?This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do?
it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want?
everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the?
offering plate."?They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the?
parking lot redone.?His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid?
in a long time. I deserve a little money."?He started swinging his watch again,?
and he thought, "I??deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve?
enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I?
deserve a lot more."?He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive,?
that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped?
from his grip, he yelled:?"Shit!"?
It took him two weeks to air out the church.?
?
diet coke cola
?
the water is cold
?
our collection letter
?
boobs
?
batteries
?
thank you for this food
?
the new chew toy
?
give me a fish
?
people
?
Santa hires a consultant
?
do you see the person
?
the employment agency
?
my old girlfriends house
?
reindeer fly
?
booking Uber
?
|
THE POSTMAN
I must tell you. There are some
really stupid things going on in
this world. Take for example, the
decision to stop teaching cursive
to our children. Do you realize how
traumatic that is going to be on our
male millennial children? They will never
be able to write their names in the
snow when they pee! Look at the
mental break downs that will cause!
ENJOY THE JOKES
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction
site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to
spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided
she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot
where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a
big smile asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their
heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into
the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled,
"His wife is here with his lunch."?
?
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat
next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance,
then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The women notices
this and asks, ''Is your date running late?'' ''No,'' he replies, ''Q has
just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'' The
intrigued woman says, ''A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?'' Bond explains, '' It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.''
The lady says, ''What's it telling you now?'' ''Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties....'' The woman giggles and replies, ''Well it must be
broken because I am wearing panties.'' Bond smirks, taps his watch
and says, ''Bloody thing's an hour fast.''?
?
During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he
was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so he the German doctor
amputated his arm. He had a request that they would drop his arm over
his base in England. So the Germans did. Then next week they amputated
his other arm and he asked for the same thing. So the Germans did. The
next week they amputated his leg and he again asked for them to drop it
over his base in England. The German doctor replied, Nein, Ve do dis no
more! The pilot asked why not, and the German answered,
Ve tink you trying to escape!?
?
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the
teacher asked, ''Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23
degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
longitude...?'' After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, '
'I guess you'd be eating alone.''?
?
?
?
drunk
this old
dominated
bed ridden
I want to marry
the maxi pad and the fart
engagement photo
you are the first
the sex is so good
the interview
before and after
bought this ring
Jack and Jill
Ethel came on the bus
the shoe shop burglary
|
?
?
THE POSTMAN
It is that time of year. Everybody is asking me
Dad what do you want for Christmas?
Well, its not that I am a scrooge, really.
Altho I have been accused of such. But there
is one thing that really bugs me about this?
holiday. See, I can't answer that question, since
I can never think of anything I want for a
Christmas present. That is the thing, its not
that you have every thing you want actually.
The truth is, I have learned how to be happy
with every thing I have. If the world could?
figure that out, I think it would be a lot
happier place.
ENJOY THE JOKES
 
?
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he?
noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American?
Women Want." He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing?
through the pages. His wife was a little pissed. "Hey, what do you think?
you're doing?" He calmly replied,?
"I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
?
A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance?
to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an
examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour. Finally,?
she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, 'Please help me!'?
'Sorry,' he replied, 'it's not my table.' ?
?
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,?
and she's in tears. He says, ''So what's bothering you, dear?'' She says, '
'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.''?
The priest says, ''Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any?
last requests?'' She says, ''That he did, Father... ''The priest says,?
''What did he ask, Mary?'' She says, ''He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun...''. ?
?
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster.?
When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing?
him and hustling him into a squad car. Seeing my astonished frozen expression,?
one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon?
the next day... they mean it!" ?
?
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the?
dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a?
vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"?
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"?
?
?
put those back
?
Santa got my list
?
ain't no sunshine
?
when I have kids
?
Marley's ghost
?
makin lemonade
?
not a mechanic
?
read it again
?
hold on
?
my hobbies
?
the nativity
?
the problem with renewable energy
?
Shaggy says
?
snowblowers
?
a green smoothie
?
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So, are you in the Christmas spirit?
Bah humbug.!! Not that I am a grinch,
but you know, the older you get, the?
less holiday spirit seems to infuse
you. Ever notice that? The war department
said the other day, "the grand kids are
coming over, we should put up the Christ
mas tree." I said, "Why? let them do it."
Somehow I get the feeling that was not the
response that she was expecting or appreciated.
So for me its kindof like this, unless you are
chocolate, coffee, alcohol, or bacon, then
oh, and cannabis...well then, oh, or porn...
well you know, you can just go away.
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
"Can you tell me where I will find the book 'Man, the Superior Sex?'?
The man asked the saleswoman.?
"Sure, it's upstairs in the science fiction department."?
?
Two geeks are sitting on a beach on a warm summer day watching a?
water skiier when suddenly the skiier falls and is under the water for
quite some time. ?"Hey we have to get that guy out before he drowns" one of?
them says. So the geeks both jump in the water and start frantically searching.?
Finally they find a limp body and swim it to shore. ?"This guy has swallowed water.?
We have to give him CPR". So one of the geeks starts giving him CPR. After a couple?
of minutes he looks up to the second geek and says "wow, this guy has bad breath!?
I can't continue this." ?So the other geek says "well get out of the way then. I?
can't let him die." So the second geek starts CPR. A couple of minutes later he also?
stops and says "you are right, he sure does have bad breath". ?The first geek says?
"something is funny here. Wasn't the guy that we were watching water skiing"? "Ya"?
responds the other geek, "so how come this guy is wearing ice skates?" ?
???
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge?
in pill form.?A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks?
what kind of knowledge?pills are available. The pharmacist says, 'Here's a pill for?
English literature.'?The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new?
knowledge about English?
literature! 'What else do you have?' asks the student. 'Well, I have pills for art?
history, biology, and world history,' replies the pharmacist. The student asks for?
these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student?
asks, 'Do you have a pill for math?' The pharmacist says, 'Wait just a moment.' He?
goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the?
counter. 'I have to take that huge pill for math?' inquires the student. The pharmacist?
replied, 'Well, you know ... math always was a little hard to swallow.'?
??
A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says,?
"Doc, I'm having problems hearing!" The Doctor says "Lets check this out." He looks?
into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here."?
Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"?
The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone? Need to tell the wife?
that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"?
???
?
?This man went into a night-club and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by her self at?
the bar, he asked her to dance. ??She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. ?
?While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "Your really smell terrific.?
What's that you have on?" ?
?The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. ?
?Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too.?
What is it that you have on?" ?
?"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied. ?
?
?
?
?
human nature
?
this could be us
?
??
?that is not a Christmas tree!
??
?
?do what makes you happy
?
?
?which machine
?
?
awkward moment
?
?
safety first
?
a horrible noise
?
love what you have done
?
still waiting
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So, at 5 am there is not a whole lot to watch on tv.
And I was not too lucky finding anything of importance to
record on the dvr from the night before.? The ladies of the house?
have it filled mostly with Hallmark Christmas movies anyways so there
usually is not any space available. The only thing
at this hour seems to be Dr, Phil. Wonderful, right? So, what to
watch? I am sitting here watching the news,& weather... eGods!!!?
And the weather? I am never really quite sure what the guy means. What
is the difference between partly sunny, or partly cloudy? But I
think I heard it all today, the guy says, "We are gonna have
some filtered sun." Groan."This is suggestive of a moisture?
driven event." So how come the weather guy can't speak plain
English? Gonna snow! I am pretty sure its a conspiracy. He don't want a?
clear weather prediction, it could be wrong.
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
?
Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and?
they all had a great time.?A few days after they returned home, the men were?
sitting around talking about their trip.?"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!"?
says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11'?
all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"?"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies.?
"My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the?
bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"?
"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire?
time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"?
?
?
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter?
and pick up a sample bottle.?
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"?
"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"?
"Viens a moi."?
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"?
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."?
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like?
come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"?
?
Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard.?
Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy."?
Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."?
?
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the?
one I've never tried before.?
- Mae West (1892-1980)?
??
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain?
silent??
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting??
Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things??
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds??
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing??
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on??
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside??
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be under-whelmed, but can?
you just be whelmed??
If loe is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight??
What's the opposite of opposite??
??
A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The?
Bartender asks "Hey, are you a piece of rope?" The rope?
answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve rope."?
So the rope go's outside and ties himself in a knot and?
comes back in. "Gimme a beer," he says?
The bartender looks at him and asks "Hey, are you a piece?
of rope?"?
The rope answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve?
rope." So the rope go's outside and frays the top of his?
head. He walks back into the bar and says "Gimme a beer."?
The Bartender takes a long look at him and says' " Hey,?
aren't you that piece of rope?" and the rope say's "Nope,?
Frayed Knot."?
?
?the mushrooms
?
cured me
?
I made him choose
?
the body cam
?
they look so cute
?
check this out
?
I ain't sleepin
?
bubble gum
?
get offended easily
?
a mixup
?
a virgin birth
?
don't blame the holidays
?
when I die
?
the north pole
?
that's not it
?
|
THE POSTMAN
Funny how fears change right? What are adults afraid of?
well, death, and sickness,right? As a young man, some of us remember
being afraid of being drafted, right? How about being alone?
The list goes on does it not? Fears are different when you?
are a kid. The unknown can conjure up all kinds of things
to be afraid of, and if you have only lived a few years, the
world is a big place, right? Funny thing, I remember when I was
a kid I was scared to turn out the light. Now as an adult, I get?
my electric bill, and then I am scared to turn on the light!?
Go figger.
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I?
want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains?
cremated."?"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your?
ashes?"?The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to?
the Inland Revenue and write on the envelope, " Now you have everything.'"??
?
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting?
goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little?
perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty?
blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily?
greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today?
before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do?
his thing.?Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling,?
"Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new?
Mercedes!"?"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"?
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license?
plate number!"?
?
Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don't like their brains being screwed with.
?
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest?
tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying?
"you do God's work."?The next morning the barber found a?
dozen bibles at the? door to his shop.?
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again?
the barber refused payment saying "you protect the public."?
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the?
door to his shop.?A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut,?
and again the? barber refused payment saying "you serve the?
justice? system."?The next morning the barber found a dozen?
lawyers waiting? for a haircut.? ?
?
wake up in the morning
?
if you are worried
?
center of attention
?
spare parts
?
update password
?
men don't grow up
?
dryer sheets
?
a multipurpose tool
?
arguing with a woman
?
a dna kit
?
you don't love me
?
bad kitty
?
for sale
?
star bucks
?
a success
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So I am in the habit of rewarding Turk the dog aka Carlos?
right when he does his business, right? He comes in from outside and he
knows the scoop. Treats are kept on top of the fridge, and he comes in
and parks himself there, looking up, licking his chops. So the other day, there
were a few potato chips on the kitchen table. So, instead of a "treat" I
threw a handful of chips on the floor thinking he would like the change. He
did, in fact, wolf them all down quickly. But after they are gone, I look and
there he is, staring up at the fridge, still licking his chops. The look on his face,
"Ok fat boy, the chips were good, but I wanna have a proper treat"?
Gotta love dogs:)
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
?
?
In the middle of his sermon, the visiting Minster stopped, and
called one of the ushers. He pointed to a man in the 5th row.?
"That man is sound asleep, go and wake him."?
The usher shook his head and said, "Wake him yourself, you put him?
to sleep!"?
??
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a (ok)?
lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost?
230,000 miles on it.?
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with?
at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility?
to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."?
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only?
sell the car."?
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend?
of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and?
he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore?
trying to sell your car."?
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the?
mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the?
blonde, "Did you sell your car?"?
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000?
miles on it!"?
??
Norman and his blonde wife live in Maryland One winter morning while?
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to?
have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even?
numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."?
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are?
eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5?
inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side?
of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes?
out and moves her car again.?
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio?
announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You?
must park...........", then the electric power goes out.?
Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says,?
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"?
??
A blonde's car breaks down on the M25 one day.?
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.?
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the boot.?
Out of the boot jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the?
vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their?
coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...?
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the history of this motorway ?
occurs.?It's not very long before a police car shows up.?
The copper, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle?
yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"?
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts?
doing here by the road?" asks the old bill.?
And she said "Those are my emergency flashers!"?
??
A blonde is on a four-engine plane. All of a sudden there's?
a loud bang. The pilot comes on the radio and says, "I'm?
sorry, our first engine has just shut off. We'll be delayed?
45 minutes."?Then there's another bang. Once again, the radio comes on?
and the pilot says the same thing except that the second?
engine shut down and that they'll be delayed nearly two hours.?
After that, the third engine shuts off and the pilot tells?
the passengers that they will be delayed 3 hours. The?
blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man,?
if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day."?
?
A blonde is looking through the classifieds for a job?
when she sees an opening at the M&M factory:?
"No experience needed! Start work the first day.!" So?
the next day she goes over bright and early and lands?
a job as the candy inspector, throwing out all the?
defective M&M's.?
The next week the boss calls her into his office and says,?
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go."?
"Why?" she asks. "What did I do wrong?"?
He frowns and says, "I've been watching you for a week?
trying to figure out what you were doing, and I finally?
figured it out this morning. Apparently, you've throwing?
out all the M&M's with W's on them.""?
?
parent teacher conference
?
learned my lesson
?
brocolli
?
pro tip
?
pulled my tit
?
our cell phone
?
is it just me
?
28 minutes
?
I wonder
?
catch a big fish
?
almost done
?
a new golf ball
?
alligators
?
tell the nurse
?
the best way
?
|
?
THE POSTMAN
You know, generally speaking, life can be pretty tough
sometimes. It gives us a lot of hard things to do. Going
to work every day, or raising a family are just a couple
examples of things that can be difficult. On the other?
hand there are some things that are easier for some people
to do than others. For example, one thing I am certain of is?
that senility will most likely be a smooth trasition for me
That is just one thing in life that I can probably bank on
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
?
Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more?
successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that?
he was overshadowed by her and henpecked.?
Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off.?
One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question AGAIN, "Who?
wears the pants in your family?"?
"I do," replied Doug. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash?
and iron them."?
Why does Miss Piggy douche with Honey?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. ?
?
A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling?
his friend all about his experience. ?
Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized. ?
Friend: How so? ?
Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food. ?
They had a drug nurse who? gave you drugs. ?
They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee. ?
Then there was the head nurse... ?
?
?
?
There once was a man from Peru?
Who fell asleep in a canoe?
While thinking of Venus,?
He pulled out his penis?
And woke up with a hand full of goo ! ?
?
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.?
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long,?
grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man."Can you put me up for the night?"?
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as?
lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese?
tortures known to man." ?"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be?
pretty old as well, and entered the house.?Before dinner, the daughter came down?
the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously?
attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.?
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But?
during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a?
night of passion.?He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.?
Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.?
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on?
his chest with a note on it that read,?"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."?
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.?"If that's the best the old man can do then?
I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window?
and threw the boulder out.?As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:?
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." ?In a panic he glanced down and saw the?
rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better?
than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.?As he plummeted downward he?
saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."?
?
just in case
?
when you make it through another day
?
my wife ran away
?
I paid attention
?
Urban outfitters
?
welcome to adulthood
?
road rage
?
have you ever
?
leave the bubble wrap alone
?
homeless people
?
inspirational
?
say your prayers
?
I saw Pete this morning
?
20 extra years
?
communicate better
?
|
?
?
THE POSTMAN
I have a new "skinny" program.
It is not really a diet. It is called
cookie aversion therapy. See, the idea is
to eat cookies and eat them and eat them
until you eat so much of them you create an
aversion to them. I will let you know how it
works out...so far, I am on year number 10.
So I am still in the testing phase.
ENJOY THE JOKES
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,?
balding man standing at the counter methodically?
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
?He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. ?
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding?
man and asks him what he is doing.?
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" ?
"But why?" asks the man. ?
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies ?
?
?What did the post card from the blonde say? ?
"Having a good time. Where am I?" ?
??
There once was a young man named Eugene?
Who invented a screwing machine?
Concave and convex?
It served either sex?
And it played with itself in between. ?
?
This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks?
the druggist for a box of condoms.?
?The druggist says, "How old are you, son?"?
?The kid replies, "Eleven."?
?"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says. "You're too young."?
?The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."?
?"All right, cool it," the druggists says to the kid.?
"What kind of condoms do you want?"?
?The kid tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers."?
?The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one?
of those things will do to a woman?"?
?"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"?
?
hiding the tuna she needs a break ? ?women are like a parking spot ? ? its a whopper ? buttdialing I want a ring in front of her on the sofa you paid for an hour a legend pooping with the door open when its raining money for bigger tits
|
THE POSTMAN
In light of the sad state of affairs of
yesterday's "Black Friday" event, The
Postman is sponsoring a collection. Please
send me your contributions ASAP! We need
to collect them as quickly as possible
so we can keep next Friday from being a?
black Friday like yesterday! Plz folks
send me your money so the postman can?
keep the lights on!
ENJOY THE JOKES!!!
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage?
bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill?
fell out onto the sidewalk.?Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,?
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."?"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the?
little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for?
telling me, Officer."?"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all?
that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"?"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see,?
my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through?
a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.?
Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now,?
I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.?
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of?
it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'?
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing .
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"?
"Not everybody pays."
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man
there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the
cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again,
she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck. A while later, the local priest visits
the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, ''I see she caught you at it, too.'' ?
?
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening'. 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.
'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'?
?
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.?
"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said.?
"I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"?
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment? her. Chicks love?
to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."?
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.?
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked. ?
"I took your advice."?
"Didn't you compliment her?"?
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips,?
hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After awhile I? started feeling her tits, and I?
told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."?
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.?
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got? her dress up and her?
panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."?
"What did you say?"?
"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."?
the human slave
?
whatever it is
?
Willy
?
God was unaware
?
a half sister
?
Charlie Brown
?
how much money you spent
?
after the second tab
?
get? in
?
deviled egg
?
if its on the internet
?
Roscoe
?
Taxi!
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So, T day is over. Our two youngest still live with us, so it was just us and our oldest?
daughter and her hubby and the 2 grands they came over yesterday. But the war dept and
my 2 daughters did fabulously with a feast that got no complaints from me and?
son.They did?so well they needed no supervision from yours truly whatsoever!
Imagine that! Altho the war dept. did in fact, listen to one of my
suggestions. Instead of the traditional bird, she fixed? a?
?roast style smoked turkey that tasted?
wonderful.!! Served it up sortof like a breakfast steak.
You wudda thought you were eating ham
Wonderful.
Thanks girls!
Enjoy the jokes!
?
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to?
hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on?
a nearby street corner. ?The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at?
which point the daughter asked her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" ?
To which the mother replied, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work." ?
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said, "Aw, C'mon lady! Tell your?
daughter the truth, for crying out loud! They're hookers!" ?
A brief period of silence followed, and the daughter then asked,?
\"Mummy, do the ladies have any children?" ?
The mother replied, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?" ?
?
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. ?
They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. ?
En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. ?
Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" ?
The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied,?
"I'd say about 50, maybe 55." ?
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" ?
"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. ?
"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. ?
"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole?
in your house that will go to the basement ?
so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space?
and catch that pole in the middle of the night." ?
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. ?
"Well, did your son become a fireman?" ?
"No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who are dancers." ?
The father was very proud when his son went off to college.? ?
He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. ?
"What are you working on?" he asked.?
"A universal solvent," explained the son, " a solvent that'll dissolve anything."?
The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?" ?
?
?Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was a pregnant because it was missing a period. ?
?
?
?
for here or to go
?
a suspicion
?
where did you get it
?
goes through changes
?
it worked
?
light came on
?
been watching you
?
a T rex
?
don't threaten me
?
a pornstar told me
?
your side chick
?
I'm just gonna
?
Math for dummies
?
|
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
?
THE POSTMAN SAYS
You know, someone told me that I
should be doing something constructive.
Being its the holiday season, I should
try helping out. Maybe like I should?
volunteer my time? But what should I do?
I know, like people get together for Toys
for tots and donate used toys to kids, right?
Maybe we could start collecting used dildos.
We could give them away to poor women and
we could call it toys for twats?
OK, so maybe I'll stick to telling jokes.
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
?
An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want?
to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your?
brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that.?
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
?A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water?
skiing on Sunday rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This coming Sunday,?
I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday." ?
"What?" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about." ?
"I don't think so," he said. "It's a problem we need to address." ?
The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asked her preacher husband?
somewhat warily about the day's sermon topic. ?
As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays." ?
"That's idiotic!" the wife retorted.? "First of all, it's a dumb topic for a sermon, and second,?
the people who need to hear it most won't be in church.? Why don't you preach about sex or something?
most people are interested in?" ?"No. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on?
Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly. ?His wife said, "Well, I'm not going to?
sit through a boring sermon like that. I'm staying in the car.? You can tell the congregation I'm?
sick or something."? ?And she stayed in the car. ?
As the preacher walked from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking that perhaps his
wife had a valid point, so he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on the?
proper role of sex in modern society. ?When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by?
the preacher's car and remarked to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning.??
"Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish."?
"Hmmmpf.? I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject,"? his wife snapped.?
"He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times." ?
Three priests are chatting when the first priest says he's going to give up red meat for lent.?
The second priest thinks for a minute and says he's going to give up sweets for Lent. The third?
priest's attention had wandered to a passing woman wearing 4 inch heels and a tiny skirt when?
the first priest asks him what he was going to give up for lent. After regaining control of himself?
he returns to the conversation and replies, 'Celibacy.' ?
?
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand. 'And so after?
you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal?
dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he?
was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?' 'Yes,' she answered. 'Come to think of it...
there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.' 'And, when was that?'?
'When he asked for the second cup.'?
?
Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes!?
?
My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. ?
Now I'm wondering exactly how he found out.?
?
much better
?
a camel
?
which is better
?
winter
?
ironic
?
Frosty
?
it's time
?
Santa cut out carbs
?
when you are praying before bed
?
froggy style
?
|
THE POSTMAN
When I was a teenager, disco came out, and I gave up?
on rock n roll in favor of country music. Obviously,
I prefer a more classic country music, you know,
Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, etc? I
have never been a big fan of folks like Dan and Shay.
Now if you are not familiar, they have been burning
the country charts like crazy of late. In particular,
one song, '10 thousand hrs', has been going strong ...
and I just realized, You know they have Justin Beiber
doing the vocals on that one? Yep, Justin is on the?
Country charts these days!!!! 3 thoughts:?
#1 I am pretty sure old
#2 Willie is rolling over in his grave right now
#3 Maybe I should reconsider disco?
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
A husband asks his wife, 'If I should die first would you marry again?'?
'I would be heart-broken, of course,' was her reply, 'but I think eventually?
I would remarry.' 'But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?' 'Why not? I've?
worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it.'?
'But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?' 'Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed?
right away.' 'Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?'?
'Of course not! He's left-handed!'
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference.?
At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers?
bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?"?
asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train.?
The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest?
room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around?
collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door?
opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and?
moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference,?
the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with?
money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip.?
To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a?
ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded?
the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another?
one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked
over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."?
?
A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has been married 5 years, has 5 children,?
makes $55,555.55 a year, and who's lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend.?
The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at?
the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.55 cash from his bank account,?
goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.?
?
One summer day a man came home early from work?
and was greeted by his wife?
dressed in very sexy lingerie?
and heels. 'Tie me up,' she purred,?
'and you can do anything you want.'?
So, he tied her up and went fishing.?
?
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and requests a $5,000 dollar loan for an upcoming?
trip out of the country. The bank agrees but tells her she must give them some collateral before?
they give her the money. "No problem. Here's the title to my Rolls Royce, it's parked out front."?
The bank gladly excepts and gives her the loan. As the blonde is leaving they all joke about how?
she left such an expensive car as collateral for such a small bank loan. After a week had passed?
the blonde returns to the bank to repay the loan and the interest. The interest came out to be $17.53.?
The loan officer asks her "Miss, why did you need the $5,000? We checked into your account and saw?
that you are a very wealthy lady." The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my?
car for a week for only $17 and know that it will be there when I get back?"?
?
ON THE WEB
?
break down my resistance
?
a very busy woman
?
that line is currently busy
?
the wrong drawer
?
do you believe in miracles
?
he is never home
?
bread crumbs
?
you don't understand
?
today's street musicians
?
are you kidding me
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So how many of you all are out there excersizing?
Most folks on this list are probably "boomers".
So given that, there is probably a good chunk of you that
have them medicare advanta plans? That would mean a?
big bunch of you probably have a gym membership? (For the
benefit of my international readers, that type of insurance
automatically gives you membership to one.) How is
that working out for you? Me, I think I need to find
another gym. I want to find one where you can just
drop your body off and come back and pick it up when
you are done.EN JOY THE JOKES!
?
Q: Why do so many brides get crow's feet as soon as they are married?
A: From squinting and saying: "Suck what?"
?
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.?
?
Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests.?
The first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to go?
back to his house and have sex.?
Once in the house the girl stripped off her clothes, lay down on the bed with?
legs apart and panted, "I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."?
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that well-hung, asked what he did.?
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I laid her twice and smacked her in the face!" ?
?
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.?
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.?
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car?
and hisses through the windshield.?
"Quick, quick", shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do"??
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination". says Sister Helen .?
Sister Marilyn switches the wipers on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and?
continues hissing at the nuns.?
"Now what"? shouts Sister Marilyn.?
"Show him your cross", says Sister Helen.?
"Now you're talking", says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts.....?
"GET THE FUCK OFF THE CAR!!!!!!!"??
?
Two hookers were on a street corner.?
They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said,?
"Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."?
The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."?
?
Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina: ?
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. ?
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half. ?
8. See if they could finally do a split. ?
7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. ?
6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes ?
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more ?
without sleeping first. ?
4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video. ?
3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. ?
2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler. ?
And the # 1 thing a man would do is: ?
1. Finally find that damn G-spot. ?
when two idiots meet
she unlocked your phone
a lot of running around
my advice
only old people know
the victim
the bottom line
a bridge
the bright side
nothing like it
|
?
?
THE POSTMAN
So, I am going down the road, and I counted. In the space of
about 5 miles, I see 3 people using their phone while driving. And one
was texting! Truly amazes me ! What could possibly be so important
that it cannot wait until you get where you are going and call someone
back? Or are you scared you may die before you get a chance to do so?
Maybe just keep texting while driving ...and that will happen.I do not text and
use my phone while driving. I need my hands free so I can make rude
gestures at?rude people when they are not paying attention.
ENJOY THE JOKES
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. ?
As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo." ?
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. ?
Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too." ?
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink, and the customer takes a big drink. ?
"Hey," he says, "this isn't any good. It tastes just like water!" ?
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water.! ?
Right, Lou?" ?
?
Way down the Mississippi River, two tugboat captains who had been friends?
for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. ?
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?" The mate looked?
surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?" ?
?
?'Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world. What's the idea of playing golf with not?
one, but two caddies!' 'Oh, it was my wife's idea.' 'Your wife?' 'Yeah,' answers Ted,?
'She thought I should spend more time with the kids.'
?
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial?
straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...'God, please?
help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.?
Please let me win the Lotto.' Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays...'God,?
please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'?
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays...'My God, why have You forsaken me??
I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help,?
and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can?
get my life back in order.' Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The?
blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...'Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket'?
?
Son: ''Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'' ?
Dad: ''Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''?
?
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
?A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.?
?
ON THE WEB
?
gimme all your money
?
?the ATM
?
not here
?
?you need a boarding pass
?
?
?rescue
?
?
Betcha
?
I'm sorry sir
??
?
books for dummies
?
boot it
?
really a bore
?
|
?
THE POSTMAN
So you have heard of the latest restaurant trend? Called
"dark kitchens"? The latest is to do away with
dining rooms, cash registers and tables. This is due to
a sudden explosion of delivery aps, such as Ueber eats
and etc. Back in the day, as a family, when ours
were little, we all enjoyed going out on a Friday night
to someplace like Burger King... we all consumed a meal
together. Apparently today's families do not seem to
appreciate the value of such an activity. Seems as if
times have changed. I somehow got old.
Enjoy the jokes!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for
a nice long walk each evening. ?It was good exercise for both of them,
his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it
positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night. ?
When her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead. ?
To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around
the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door. ?
A female voice called out, "I won't be a minute, darling." ?
Soon, the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee,
and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him --
obviously as usual. ?
?
Three old guy friends were chatting late into the night and eventually they went to sleep
along side to each other. Morning came! ?The guy who slept next to the window was awaken by
the morning sun and said, "Gee, I had a great wet dream last night. I dreamt of this young
and beautiful lady and she was jerking me off all night."?The guy who slept on the other side
said, "That's funny, I had a similar dream last night. I dreamt of the beach in Hawaii. I met a
beautiful blond and she was giving me the best hand-job ever!" ?
The guy who slept in the middle was awaken by the conversation. ?
"Morning guys", he said. "Did you guys sleep well? I sure did. I dreamt of the time where we
all went downhill skiing in the mountains. It was great!"?
There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when
you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly
the kitchen. The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and
probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom. The third type of sex
is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce
and you try to screw each other in public.?
My Blonde sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the
table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream." ?
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir,
we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?" ?
A very conservative doctor was consulted by an older man who wasn't feeling very well.?? ?
After a thorough medical checkup, the doctor said, "Mr. Kramer, I can't find anything
specifically wrong with you.? I have only one suggestion...that you...eh, eh...
give up some of your love life." ?
There was a long pause, and then Mr. Kramer said, "O.K., Doc. But which half should I give up:?
thinking about it or talking about it?" ?
This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no
discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thing in 15 years". ?
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete
stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, ?
I said, "Why don't you diet?" ?
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color is it now?" ?
??
ON THE WEB
?
pansexual
?
dominated
?
the craps table
?
the time of your life
?
night shift workers
?
a stork
?
kids eat free
?
Jack and Jill
?
single mothers
|
THE POSTMAN
So, the weather is colder, stay inside to watch more tv and stuff, right?
This time of year, I turn to my shows on Amazon. Jack Ryan, Bosch, Goliath,
and a couple others. (Got every cable channel there is, 300 or so, plus all
them movie channels that they offer, and can't find anything to watch) Somehow?
I find more to watch on Prime than on Xfinity or Netflix.
I save up the episodes and then binge watch as I look
out the window and think, I don't want to go anywhere today. But then
I remember, all I do is sit and watch my tv shows and look out the window
anyways. Does it really matter if it is cold out there? I ain't going
no where anyhow.
Enjoy the jokes!
?
?Q. Why did the blonde secretary cut off her finger?
A. She wanted to write shorthand ?
?
For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went?
snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and?
one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere?
I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I felt very flattered and, as?
I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. 'I'm the lifeguard,'?
he replied matter-of-factly. 'I can't get out until you do.'
?
One of my friends was sitting at the bar and complaining to the sweet young?
thing working there, "Yesterday, I thought I'd solved all my problems. ?
I thought I'd found a quick way to forget my mother-in-law. I came here and got drunk." ?
"Did it work?", she giggled. ?
He moaned, "No, cuz when I got home I found two of her waiting." ?
??
Some days when I look out my window, the sheer boundless beauty of nature amazes me.?
Her rolling hills, her scenic valleys and her gently undulating grasslands fill me?
with awe and pleasure. On other days, though, my does-
yoga-in-the-nude neighbor has her shades down.?
?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, 'I bet you don't?
know what day this is.' 'Of course I do,' he indignantly answered, going out the?
door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door,?
she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped,?
two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer?
dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. 'First the flowers, then?
the chocolates and then the dress!' she exclaimed.?
'I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!'?
ON THE WEB
?
hey baby
?
baby on board
?
the back door
?
in the mood
?
what's the point
?
come down here
?
somehow somewhere
?
Halloween is over
?
get a handle on life
?
too much Ram
?
?
|
