welcome to:THE POSTMAN!So, this is my new ezine! its called THE POSTMAN! You are receiving it because you are a subscriber to THE POSTMAN'S CORNER!THE POSTMAN is a different ezine so I am sure that you will enjoy them both! Each has different contentDo not reply to this email unless you wish to unsubscribe.Enjoy the jokes and toons.And be patient, this new groups.io stuff is a learning curve. so be patient with me!Martin aka the postman
?
?A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a downward slope.
He became very depressed because he loved to play golf, so, one day in his despair,?
he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing?
on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping?
and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.
He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one?
good arm to do things with.”He thought, “There goes a man with no arms skipping down the?
sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.”
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how?
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going?
to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with?
one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
The guy asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?”
He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch.”
Heart Warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes.
?
?
?URINE TEST
?A simplified urine test that may be relevant for us!!??
Go outside and pee in the garden. If ants gather:- diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- prostate.
if it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.
if when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.
if you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimer?
THINGS A MAN DOESN'T APPRECIATE BEING SAID WHEN A WOMAN IS LOOKING AT HIM NAKED?
1. Why is God punishing me??
2. At least this won't take long.?
3. I never saw one like that before.?
4. But it still works, right??
5. It looks unused.?
6. Maybe it looks better in natural light.?
7. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes??
8. Are you cold??
9. If you get me real drunk first.?
10. Is that an optical illusion??
11. What is that??
12. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.?
13. Does it come with an air pump??
14. So this is why you're to judge people on personality.?
15. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.?
 
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THE POSTMAN PAGE!
So I am glad every one likes the new page! You are receiving it because?
you are a subscriber to the postman's Corner! BTW, speaking of which, the
message boards are saying that yahoogroups is down right now. Their servers
are located in Santa Clara Calif. That is where the black outs of the wildfires are
the strongest. Rumor has it that also is why you did not get the Corner page today!
Hope you enjoy this page tho! Each page features different content,
so you will want to be subscribed to both!
BTW, let me know what you think. But send your
comments to my martin7957 yahoo address, not to groups :)
Martin aka the postman
It had been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home.??
Living in Washington D.C. he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his?
horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he had ever seen before.
Bewildered, since he hadn’t heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and?
just kept seeing cars slowing down, stopping for a few moments, and then driving off.
Suddenly, a man knocks on his window.? John rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
The man says, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!”
“Oh my gosh!” exclaimed John.
“And they’re asking for a $100 million 谤补苍蝉辞尘.”
“Jeez Louise!” moaned John
“Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!”
“Lord have mercy! cried John.
“We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” asked John.
“About a gallon, maybe two.? Depending on what you can afford.”
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching VERY large fish. ?
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a?
woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. ?
He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. ?
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doc used his fishing scales. ?
The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.?
?
Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House ?
Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello. ?
Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly. ?
Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom. ?
Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready. ?
Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning. ?
Recite a couple of bawdy limericks. ?
Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter. ?
Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again. ?
Pretend to eat your arm. ?
Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms. ?
?
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So that when they're on the subway train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. ?
?
TODAY ON THE WEB....
?
I'm ok
?
stress
?
electric bill
?
?that is sick
?
my girl friend dumped me
?
?
a new excersize routine
?
universe give me a sign
?
3 great kings
?
dear great pumpkin
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THE POSTMAN
I am pretty sure that I will not be around for Halloween. I am planning to
overdose on Halloween candy ...so hey. The truth of reality,right?
it sux sometimes you know. Wife sent me in to the dollar store to buy
trick or treat candy. Now why the heck would she send a fat man like
me for something like that? I got one bag of life savers and 3 bags of
the good stuff. Snickers, Reeses', M and Ms. I can tell you, she only
knows about the lifesavers :)
?
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
“Where did you get such a great flying broomstick?” The second engineer replied,?
“Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful witch?
flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her?
clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good?
choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit
?
A witch’s werewolf has a problem so he takes him to the vet’s. The vet looks at the?
werewolf and says that he’ll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room,?
he takes a black cat out of a cage and lets the black cat walk all over the werewolf,?
but the werewolf doesn’t do anything. The doctor say “Your werwolf is dead.” The witch?
goes out to the receptionist and asks for her bill. “That’ll be $666” says the receptionist.?
“What! $666? How’s that possible?” “It’s $66 for the consultation, and $600 for the Cat scan.”?
?
A monster and a zombie went into the undertaker’s. “I’d like to order a coffin for a friend?
of mine who has just died,” said the monster. “Certainly, sir,” said the undertaker, “but?
there was really no need to bring him with you.”
?
Which ghost is the best dancer?
The Boogie Man!
?
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween?
Me: Drunk!
?
What do you call a cheesy halloween dance?
The muenster mash!
?
Why couldn't the witch have children?
Her husband had a hallow weenie.
?
who texted this
you're holding it wrong
how does she go so fast
that's chocolate
family reunion
local children
hello, tech support?
|
welcome to:THE POSTMAN!Let me give a big shout out to my friend Doris. She wasworried about me eating all that Halloween candy yesterday?Well, the war department conviscated all them bags of chocolate.(dummy me left the receipt in the bag) So she conviscatedthe stuff and gave it to our grand kids.So I live to entertainyou for another day! I do feel sorry for the trick or treaterslast night. Got nary a one: The weather was frightful as itdropped snowy white stuff on God's country here in beautifulWest Michigan. OMG. winter is coming!
?
Mark had an operation and was coming out of the ether. He looked at the?
two other patients in nearby beds and said, "Thank God that's over!" "Don't be too sure,"
said Benson in the next bed, "they left a sponge in me and had to cut me open again."?
Rankin in a bed on the other side of Mark added, "They had to open me up too, just to recover?
one of their instruments." Just then the doctor stuck his head in the door and called,?
"Anyone seen my cell phone?" Mark fainted.?
?
Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
?She wanted to get a dark tan. ?
?
?
My two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined?
by a dentist.? Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed?
that her mom was resting, her eyes closed. ?
?With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched up to her mother, looked her straight in?
the face and shook her shoulder. ?
?"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up!? This is not church!" ?
?My wife, Lani, woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing. ?
?
A woman was not feeling well so she visited her doctor. ?
?The good doctor, after giving her a thorough examination, said grimly, "Mrs. Goode,?
I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to get well again you would have to lose a foot." ?
?"What!?! You mean my foot has to be amputated?" ?
?"Oh, no, no..." replied the good doctor, "I mean you have to lose a foot from around your waistline!" ?
?  ON THE WEB
_____________________________
not gonna work
its sad
in bed with his wife
pain changes people
little boy opens the bible
the hunch back
not sure
I understand the phrase
which is worse
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?
THE POSTMANSo, you can sleep in this morning! My favorite day of the whole year!In the old days, I used to send out little pictures and such to remindevery one that daylight savings time ends today. These days tho, with?self adjusting clocks and self adjusting phones, it is sortof a thingof the past. But some how, it feels good like you can pretend to sleep infor a hour, right? Who knows, maybe someday they will get smart
and do away with the silly idea.THE POSTMAN
?
Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother?
could meet Tamara for the first time. ?Towards the end of the evening, Tamara?
approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas s mother seemed??
to be avoiding her after the introduction. ?"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said,?
"Mother finds you to be, how should I put? it, a bit on the crude side." ?
"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families??
in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finest finishing??
schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum? Laude?"?
Tamara asked.?"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied. ?
"Then where in the fuck does that bitch come off with all that crude bullshit?"?
She was so blonde... ?
When she drove to the airport and saw a sign that said,?
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home ?
?
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ?
?
Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A. Because she blows the horn! ?
?
?
Thorn was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in school?
to go out on a date with him. ?She finally agreed, but only on condition that he?
arrange a date for her best friend too. ?That was fine with Thorn, but when Friday?
night came around he hadn't been able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded?
brother Futhman if he would help him out. ?"Why sure," said Futhman, "but you know,?
I've never been out with a girl before." ?"No problem," said Thorn. "Just do everything I do." ?
Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Thorn started kissing his date,?
Futhman followed suit. ?Soon Thorn had the cheerleader's bra undone, so Futhman undid his date's. ?
Next, Thorn was feeling inside her panties, but when Futhman tried to follow suit, his?
date told him to quit. ?"Why?" asked Futhman, anxiously noting that his brother was getting?
quite a head start in the front seat. ?"I have my period," she said. ?
"You're what?" ?"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing. ?
"This I gotta see," said Futhman. ?He turned on the headlights, dragged his date out in?
front of the car, and pulled down her pants. ?
White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were chopped off!" ?
?
?should I run
?
2 days ago
Bill Clinton
T rex
Coffee
looking good
are you the guy
empty the litter box
your husband
?
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So, we are all caught up on sleep, right? We had that extra
hour this weekend? Well that's ok, I don't feel rested either.
I remember that one of my childhood goals was to be an
adult...that way I would not have to take naps! These days?
One of the most boggling contemplations about life for me?
How much time must pass in the morning when you wake up
until it is now time to lay down for a nap? Or, do I really have
to wait till afternoon for a nap? Another question I often consider,
are pants necessary when engaging in naptime? Or perhaps
better said, why do I really need to put pants on when I wale up
in the morning anyways? Turk the dog aka Carlos the rat, he never
wears pants.See, if its ok for him....
Such in depth questions we olde phartes face! I personally
do not care for the response that the war department gives
to any of these questions.
Enjoy the jokes.
The postman
?
Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma went into a bar
bragging about who was the badest of the three.?The Texan said watch this and yelled at the
barmaid "Hey, barmaid.? Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here".?
When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the
table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers.?She was startled.?
The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and
get your ass over here with it".?Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila
down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.?
The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan.?
The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry".?
Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.?
The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"?
"Hell no, I want you to kiss it.? It will go off by itself".?
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. ?
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked,
"Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" ?
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" ?
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" ?
??
Vito and Juliana were having their usual battle of the sexes. ?
"Italian men are all stupid," screamed Juliana. ?
"Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!" ?
"And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!" ?
?
A couple were driving through the countryside in an old, beat-up Volkswagen. ?
The fertile quiet of the scenery began to inspire some lascivious thoughts, so
they decided to pull over to the side of the road and engage in a little love making. ?
The girl quickly jumped out of the cramped car, stripped, lay spread-eagle on the lush,
green grass, and waited. And waited. And waited... ?
"Honey," she yelled, "if you don't get out of dat Volkswagen, I's won't be in the mood much longer!" ?
"Baby," he lamented, "if I don't get out of the mood, I won't get out of this here Volkswagen!" ?
?
?
the pirate
people in Athens
Snoopy says
this is your spine
deliscious
how come
my mother told me
a man and woman were married for many years
a blind man walks into a bar
hit a turkey
|
?
?
THE POSTMAN
?
So I am sitting there at the breakfast table this morning.
As typical, I am sipping my coffee watching the war department
as she munches her toast. She is informing me of all the?
places we have to go today. Apparently we have a ton of errands
that need to be done. I let her ramble on for a few minutes.
(its funny, I notice she rambles a lot more than she used to compared?
to 40 something years ago when we first met.)I interrupted her after
a few minutes. "Look, at it snowing outside...." It is now late
after noon. She is snoozing on the couch and so far today? we
have not left the nouse :)
Enjoy the jokes
?
A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. ?It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on?
their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink. ?
So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake.??
Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety. ?
Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. ?
"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father,?
his father, and his father before him?" ?
Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather?
were born in January. You were born in July."?
??
There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening. ?
It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it
positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night. ?
When her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead. ?
To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around?
the corner and began to scratch at the door. ?
A female voice called out, "I won't be a minute, darling." ?
Soon, the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in?
straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him -- obviously as usual. ?
?
?
?if women are bad
http://thepostmanscorner.net/tn10/sz0301.html
?
a family saying the blessing
http://thepostmanscorner.net/tn10/sz0302.html
?
the old west
http://thepostmanscorner.net/tn10/sz0303.html
?
salad
http://thepostmanscorner.net/tn10/sz0304.html
?
?leave it
?http://thepostmanscorner.net/tn10/sz0305.html
?
?things you don't see everyday?
http://thepostmanscorner.net/tn10/sz0306.html
?
?the doctor said
?http://thepostmanscorner.net/tn10/sz0307.html
?
whats the difference
http://thepostmanscorner.net/tn10/sz0308.html
?
slow down
http://thepostmanscorner.net/tn10/sz0309.html
?
husband pissed me off
http://thepostmanscorner.net/tn10/sz0310.html
?
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They?
noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front?
of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. ?One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue,?
black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She?
mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible. ?
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the?
parrot spoke, "Black, black, black." ?Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns?
spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that, she recommended that the?
next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. ?Respecting their agreement,?
the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird. ?
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. ?
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!" ?
?
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corrected links for the postman
?if women are bad
?
a family saying the blessing
?
the old west
?
salad
?
?leave it
?
?things you don't see everyday?
?
?the doctor said
?
whats the difference
?
slow down
?
husband pissed me off
|
THE POSTMAN
So, old man winter is here, right?
The weather looks frightful out there indeed.
Funny thing about that. Seems like people forget
how to drive when winter first gets here. Four wheel
drive folks out there especially. It ain't gonna help
you on the ice. So be careful out there, people.
Give yourself a few extra minutes to arrive
safely or if you have to, be a little late. Better than
the alternative.
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? ?
A: They always forget the recipe. ?
??
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." ?
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes
are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!" ?
"I know all that." ?
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" ?
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married." ?
Lewis walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu with a
parrot on his head and a cocktail onion stuffed up each nostril. ?
The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" ?
Lewis answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..." ?
??
A couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. ?
Dave was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job. ?
"The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her. ?
"Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!" ??
A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says,
"Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" ?
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" ?
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." ?
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." ?
?The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." ?
Three woman always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however
the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's.
The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women
says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is
hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash.
If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. ?
It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on
their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink. ?
So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake.?
Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety. ?
Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. ?
"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father,
his father, and his father before him?" ?
Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather
were born in January. You were born in July."?
the worst part
;
snacking in between
brains
facebook deleted it
this little fish
draw the image
what do they have in common
don't forget your appointment
when you see her
beware of the cat
|
welcome to:
THE POSTMAN!
You know, it is funny. After you are married, for so?
many years, a lot of people say that their perception
of their spouse changes over time? Has your wife's?
opinion of you changed? Or is it different??
Not my wife tho. I mean its like this,
I walk by and you know what she says? "What an ass."
Same thing she used to say when I was 22!?
Wow. guess that means I am still as sexy as I was
in my 20s, right?
Enjoy the jokes!
________________________________
There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. ?
One day when she came home from work she discovered that her?
beloved dog had run away. ?
She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. ?
Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who?
said that he had seen a stray dog. ?
The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this?
information she asked the young boy, ?
"Have you seen my Titswiggle?" ?
Then the boy said, ?
"No, but can that be my reward?" ?
?What did the blonde do when she broke her Tupperware? ?
Called the plastic surgeon. ?
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their?
way to a barstool. ?After ordering a drink, and sitting? there for a while,?
the blind guy yells to the bartender,??
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" ?
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. ?
In a husky,? deep voice, the woman next to him says,?
"Before you? tell that joke, you should know something. ?
The? bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a? 6'tall,?
200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate.? ?
What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde? and she's a weightlifter.?
The lady to your right is a? blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. ?
Think about it? seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde? joke?" ?
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to? explain it five times." ?
?
My friend wanted a boat more than anything.? His wife kept refusing,?
but he bought one anyway.? ?"I'll tell you what," he told her.??
"In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" ?
Being a good sport, she accepted.? When her husband went to the dock?
for his maiden voyage,?
this is the name he saw painted on the side: ?"For Sale." ?
??
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. ?
"I'd like a little brother," a boy said. ?
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. Why do you want a little brother"? ?
"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on my dog." ?
ONT THE WEB
the dog
all I'm saying
a little fun
ain't no sunshine
the billboard
kinky
texting
you're really hot
a hangover
plumbing school
|
THE POSTMAN
?So the war dept was gone for the day ...omg. I
really did think I was going to starve! I would not
say that I am exceptionally blessed with culinary
skills. Definitely NOT my strong point in life.
So her note says. "There is cold pizza in the
fridge. Already cooked. Just warm it up..."
Enjoy the jokes!
?
Jack was always insisting to his wife that women talk much more than men. In order to prove?
his point, he showed her a study which indicated that, on average, men use approximately 1300?
words per day as opposed to women, who use approximately 2600. His wife thought about all of?
this for a moment and then replied, "That's very easy to explain. Women have to use twice as?
many words as men because women have to repeat everything they say."?
?
?A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in,?
and keeps him from traveling.?
Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.?
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."?
The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.?
After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed,?
and invites him to have sex with her.?
Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.?
"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."?
"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me,?
just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."?
So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.?
Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt.?
So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.?
After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.?
The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.?
This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.?
Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife,?
but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"?
?
A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.?
She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" He replies,?
"Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn?
red from blushing so much." The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for?
two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you?
tomatoes turn red?" "No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."?
?
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. ?
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."?
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."?
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"?
She frowned and said, "The postman."?
"Why the postman?"?
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."?
?
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the?
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new?
hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest
daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard
laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.?
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming?
last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."?
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"?
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh." "That's also true."?
Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest?
daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."?
?
ON THE WEB
fall where is it going
?
Starbucks
?
let me get this straight
?
the bat signal
?
when you wake up
?
in Burgerking
?
how comfortable do you feel
?
where my friends are
?
did you hear
?
way too long
|
THE POSTMAN
So, the weather is colder, stay inside to watch more tv and stuff, right?
This time of year, I turn to my shows on Amazon. Jack Ryan, Bosch, Goliath,
and a couple others. (Got every cable channel there is, 300 or so, plus all
them movie channels that they offer, and can't find anything to watch) Somehow?
I find more to watch on Prime than on Xfinity or Netflix.
I save up the episodes and then binge watch as I look
out the window and think, I don't want to go anywhere today. But then
I remember, all I do is sit and watch my tv shows and look out the window
anyways. Does it really matter if it is cold out there? I ain't going
no where anyhow.
Enjoy the jokes!
?
?Q. Why did the blonde secretary cut off her finger?
A. She wanted to write shorthand ?
?
For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went?
snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and?
one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere?
I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I felt very flattered and, as?
I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. 'I'm the lifeguard,'?
he replied matter-of-factly. 'I can't get out until you do.'
?
One of my friends was sitting at the bar and complaining to the sweet young?
thing working there, "Yesterday, I thought I'd solved all my problems. ?
I thought I'd found a quick way to forget my mother-in-law. I came here and got drunk." ?
"Did it work?", she giggled. ?
He moaned, "No, cuz when I got home I found two of her waiting." ?
??
Some days when I look out my window, the sheer boundless beauty of nature amazes me.?
Her rolling hills, her scenic valleys and her gently undulating grasslands fill me?
with awe and pleasure. On other days, though, my does-
yoga-in-the-nude neighbor has her shades down.?
?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, 'I bet you don't?
know what day this is.' 'Of course I do,' he indignantly answered, going out the?
door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door,?
she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped,?
two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer?
dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. 'First the flowers, then?
the chocolates and then the dress!' she exclaimed.?
'I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!'?
ON THE WEB
?
hey baby
?
baby on board
?
the back door
?
in the mood
?
what's the point
?
come down here
?
somehow somewhere
?
Halloween is over
?
get a handle on life
?
too much Ram
?
?
|
?
THE POSTMAN
So you have heard of the latest restaurant trend? Called
"dark kitchens"? The latest is to do away with
dining rooms, cash registers and tables. This is due to
a sudden explosion of delivery aps, such as Ueber eats
and etc. Back in the day, as a family, when ours
were little, we all enjoyed going out on a Friday night
to someplace like Burger King... we all consumed a meal
together. Apparently today's families do not seem to
appreciate the value of such an activity. Seems as if
times have changed. I somehow got old.
Enjoy the jokes!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for
a nice long walk each evening. ?It was good exercise for both of them,
his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it
positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night. ?
When her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead. ?
To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around
the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door. ?
A female voice called out, "I won't be a minute, darling." ?
Soon, the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee,
and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him --
obviously as usual. ?
?
Three old guy friends were chatting late into the night and eventually they went to sleep
along side to each other. Morning came! ?The guy who slept next to the window was awaken by
the morning sun and said, "Gee, I had a great wet dream last night. I dreamt of this young
and beautiful lady and she was jerking me off all night."?The guy who slept on the other side
said, "That's funny, I had a similar dream last night. I dreamt of the beach in Hawaii. I met a
beautiful blond and she was giving me the best hand-job ever!" ?
The guy who slept in the middle was awaken by the conversation. ?
"Morning guys", he said. "Did you guys sleep well? I sure did. I dreamt of the time where we
all went downhill skiing in the mountains. It was great!"?
There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when
you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly
the kitchen. The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and
probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom. The third type of sex
is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce
and you try to screw each other in public.?
My Blonde sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the
table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream." ?
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir,
we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?" ?
A very conservative doctor was consulted by an older man who wasn't feeling very well.?? ?
After a thorough medical checkup, the doctor said, "Mr. Kramer, I can't find anything
specifically wrong with you.? I have only one suggestion...that you...eh, eh...
give up some of your love life." ?
There was a long pause, and then Mr. Kramer said, "O.K., Doc. But which half should I give up:?
thinking about it or talking about it?" ?
This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no
discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thing in 15 years". ?
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete
stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, ?
I said, "Why don't you diet?" ?
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color is it now?" ?
??
ON THE WEB
?
pansexual
?
dominated
?
the craps table
?
the time of your life
?
night shift workers
?
a stork
?
kids eat free
?
Jack and Jill
?
single mothers
|
?
?
THE POSTMAN
So, I am going down the road, and I counted. In the space of
about 5 miles, I see 3 people using their phone while driving. And one
was texting! Truly amazes me ! What could possibly be so important
that it cannot wait until you get where you are going and call someone
back? Or are you scared you may die before you get a chance to do so?
Maybe just keep texting while driving ...and that will happen.I do not text and
use my phone while driving. I need my hands free so I can make rude
gestures at?rude people when they are not paying attention.
ENJOY THE JOKES
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. ?
As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo." ?
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. ?
Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too." ?
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink, and the customer takes a big drink. ?
"Hey," he says, "this isn't any good. It tastes just like water!" ?
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water.! ?
Right, Lou?" ?
?
Way down the Mississippi River, two tugboat captains who had been friends?
for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. ?
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?" The mate looked?
surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?" ?
?
?'Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world. What's the idea of playing golf with not?
one, but two caddies!' 'Oh, it was my wife's idea.' 'Your wife?' 'Yeah,' answers Ted,?
'She thought I should spend more time with the kids.'
?
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial?
straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...'God, please?
help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.?
Please let me win the Lotto.' Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays...'God,?
please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'?
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays...'My God, why have You forsaken me??
I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help,?
and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can?
get my life back in order.' Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The?
blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...'Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket'?
?
Son: ''Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'' ?
Dad: ''Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''?
?
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
?A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.?
?
ON THE WEB
?
gimme all your money
?
?the ATM
?
not here
?
?you need a boarding pass
?
?
?rescue
?
?
Betcha
?
I'm sorry sir
??
?
books for dummies
?
boot it
?
really a bore
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So how many of you all are out there excersizing?
Most folks on this list are probably "boomers".
So given that, there is probably a good chunk of you that
have them medicare advanta plans? That would mean a?
big bunch of you probably have a gym membership? (For the
benefit of my international readers, that type of insurance
automatically gives you membership to one.) How is
that working out for you? Me, I think I need to find
another gym. I want to find one where you can just
drop your body off and come back and pick it up when
you are done.EN JOY THE JOKES!
?
Q: Why do so many brides get crow's feet as soon as they are married?
A: From squinting and saying: "Suck what?"
?
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.?
?
Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests.?
The first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to go?
back to his house and have sex.?
Once in the house the girl stripped off her clothes, lay down on the bed with?
legs apart and panted, "I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."?
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that well-hung, asked what he did.?
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I laid her twice and smacked her in the face!" ?
?
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.?
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.?
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car?
and hisses through the windshield.?
"Quick, quick", shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do"??
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination". says Sister Helen .?
Sister Marilyn switches the wipers on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and?
continues hissing at the nuns.?
"Now what"? shouts Sister Marilyn.?
"Show him your cross", says Sister Helen.?
"Now you're talking", says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts.....?
"GET THE FUCK OFF THE CAR!!!!!!!"??
?
Two hookers were on a street corner.?
They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said,?
"Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."?
The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."?
?
Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina: ?
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. ?
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half. ?
8. See if they could finally do a split. ?
7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. ?
6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes ?
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more ?
without sleeping first. ?
4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video. ?
3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. ?
2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler. ?
And the # 1 thing a man would do is: ?
1. Finally find that damn G-spot. ?
when two idiots meet
she unlocked your phone
a lot of running around
my advice
only old people know
the victim
the bottom line
a bridge
the bright side
nothing like it
|
THE POSTMAN
When I was a teenager, disco came out, and I gave up?
on rock n roll in favor of country music. Obviously,
I prefer a more classic country music, you know,
Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, etc? I
have never been a big fan of folks like Dan and Shay.
Now if you are not familiar, they have been burning
the country charts like crazy of late. In particular,
one song, '10 thousand hrs', has been going strong ...
and I just realized, You know they have Justin Beiber
doing the vocals on that one? Yep, Justin is on the?
Country charts these days!!!! 3 thoughts:?
#1 I am pretty sure old
#2 Willie is rolling over in his grave right now
#3 Maybe I should reconsider disco?
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
A husband asks his wife, 'If I should die first would you marry again?'?
'I would be heart-broken, of course,' was her reply, 'but I think eventually?
I would remarry.' 'But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?' 'Why not? I've?
worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it.'?
'But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?' 'Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed?
right away.' 'Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?'?
'Of course not! He's left-handed!'
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference.?
At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers?
bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?"?
asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train.?
The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest?
room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around?
collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door?
opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and?
moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference,?
the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with?
money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip.?
To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a?
ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded?
the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another?
one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked
over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."?
?
A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has been married 5 years, has 5 children,?
makes $55,555.55 a year, and who's lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend.?
The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at?
the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.55 cash from his bank account,?
goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.?
?
One summer day a man came home early from work?
and was greeted by his wife?
dressed in very sexy lingerie?
and heels. 'Tie me up,' she purred,?
'and you can do anything you want.'?
So, he tied her up and went fishing.?
?
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and requests a $5,000 dollar loan for an upcoming?
trip out of the country. The bank agrees but tells her she must give them some collateral before?
they give her the money. "No problem. Here's the title to my Rolls Royce, it's parked out front."?
The bank gladly excepts and gives her the loan. As the blonde is leaving they all joke about how?
she left such an expensive car as collateral for such a small bank loan. After a week had passed?
the blonde returns to the bank to repay the loan and the interest. The interest came out to be $17.53.?
The loan officer asks her "Miss, why did you need the $5,000? We checked into your account and saw?
that you are a very wealthy lady." The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my?
car for a week for only $17 and know that it will be there when I get back?"?
?
ON THE WEB
?
break down my resistance
?
a very busy woman
?
that line is currently busy
?
the wrong drawer
?
do you believe in miracles
?
he is never home
?
bread crumbs
?
you don't understand
?
today's street musicians
?
are you kidding me
?
|
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
?
THE POSTMAN SAYS
You know, someone told me that I
should be doing something constructive.
Being its the holiday season, I should
try helping out. Maybe like I should?
volunteer my time? But what should I do?
I know, like people get together for Toys
for tots and donate used toys to kids, right?
Maybe we could start collecting used dildos.
We could give them away to poor women and
we could call it toys for twats?
OK, so maybe I'll stick to telling jokes.
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
?
An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want?
to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your?
brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that.?
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
?A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water?
skiing on Sunday rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This coming Sunday,?
I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday." ?
"What?" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about." ?
"I don't think so," he said. "It's a problem we need to address." ?
The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asked her preacher husband?
somewhat warily about the day's sermon topic. ?
As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays." ?
"That's idiotic!" the wife retorted.? "First of all, it's a dumb topic for a sermon, and second,?
the people who need to hear it most won't be in church.? Why don't you preach about sex or something?
most people are interested in?" ?"No. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on?
Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly. ?His wife said, "Well, I'm not going to?
sit through a boring sermon like that. I'm staying in the car.? You can tell the congregation I'm?
sick or something."? ?And she stayed in the car. ?
As the preacher walked from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking that perhaps his
wife had a valid point, so he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on the?
proper role of sex in modern society. ?When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by?
the preacher's car and remarked to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning.??
"Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish."?
"Hmmmpf.? I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject,"? his wife snapped.?
"He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times." ?
Three priests are chatting when the first priest says he's going to give up red meat for lent.?
The second priest thinks for a minute and says he's going to give up sweets for Lent. The third?
priest's attention had wandered to a passing woman wearing 4 inch heels and a tiny skirt when?
the first priest asks him what he was going to give up for lent. After regaining control of himself?
he returns to the conversation and replies, 'Celibacy.' ?
?
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand. 'And so after?
you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal?
dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he?
was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?' 'Yes,' she answered. 'Come to think of it...
there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.' 'And, when was that?'?
'When he asked for the second cup.'?
?
Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes!?
?
My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. ?
Now I'm wondering exactly how he found out.?
?
much better
?
a camel
?
which is better
?
winter
?
ironic
?
Frosty
?
it's time
?
Santa cut out carbs
?
when you are praying before bed
?
froggy style
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So, T day is over. Our two youngest still live with us, so it was just us and our oldest?
daughter and her hubby and the 2 grands they came over yesterday. But the war dept and
my 2 daughters did fabulously with a feast that got no complaints from me and?
son.They did?so well they needed no supervision from yours truly whatsoever!
Imagine that! Altho the war dept. did in fact, listen to one of my
suggestions. Instead of the traditional bird, she fixed? a?
?roast style smoked turkey that tasted?
wonderful.!! Served it up sortof like a breakfast steak.
You wudda thought you were eating ham
Wonderful.
Thanks girls!
Enjoy the jokes!
?
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to?
hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on?
a nearby street corner. ?The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at?
which point the daughter asked her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" ?
To which the mother replied, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work." ?
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said, "Aw, C'mon lady! Tell your?
daughter the truth, for crying out loud! They're hookers!" ?
A brief period of silence followed, and the daughter then asked,?
\"Mummy, do the ladies have any children?" ?
The mother replied, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?" ?
?
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. ?
They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. ?
En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. ?
Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" ?
The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied,?
"I'd say about 50, maybe 55." ?
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" ?
"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. ?
"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. ?
"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole?
in your house that will go to the basement ?
so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space?
and catch that pole in the middle of the night." ?
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. ?
"Well, did your son become a fireman?" ?
"No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who are dancers." ?
The father was very proud when his son went off to college.? ?
He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. ?
"What are you working on?" he asked.?
"A universal solvent," explained the son, " a solvent that'll dissolve anything."?
The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?" ?
?
?Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was a pregnant because it was missing a period. ?
?
?
?
for here or to go
?
a suspicion
?
where did you get it
?
goes through changes
?
it worked
?
light came on
?
been watching you
?
a T rex
?
don't threaten me
?
a pornstar told me
?
your side chick
?
I'm just gonna
?
Math for dummies
?
|
THE POSTMAN
In light of the sad state of affairs of
yesterday's "Black Friday" event, The
Postman is sponsoring a collection. Please
send me your contributions ASAP! We need
to collect them as quickly as possible
so we can keep next Friday from being a?
black Friday like yesterday! Plz folks
send me your money so the postman can?
keep the lights on!
ENJOY THE JOKES!!!
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage?
bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill?
fell out onto the sidewalk.?Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,?
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."?"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the?
little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for?
telling me, Officer."?"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all?
that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"?"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see,?
my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through?
a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.?
Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now,?
I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.?
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of?
it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'?
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing .
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"?
"Not everybody pays."
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man
there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the
cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again,
she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck. A while later, the local priest visits
the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, ''I see she caught you at it, too.'' ?
?
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening'. 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.
'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'?
?
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.?
"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said.?
"I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"?
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment? her. Chicks love?
to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."?
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.?
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked. ?
"I took your advice."?
"Didn't you compliment her?"?
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips,?
hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After awhile I? started feeling her tits, and I?
told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."?
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.?
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got? her dress up and her?
panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."?
"What did you say?"?
"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."?
the human slave
?
whatever it is
?
Willy
?
God was unaware
?
a half sister
?
Charlie Brown
?
how much money you spent
?
after the second tab
?
get? in
?
deviled egg
?
if its on the internet
?
Roscoe
?
Taxi!
?
|
?
?
THE POSTMAN
I have a new "skinny" program.
It is not really a diet. It is called
cookie aversion therapy. See, the idea is
to eat cookies and eat them and eat them
until you eat so much of them you create an
aversion to them. I will let you know how it
works out...so far, I am on year number 10.
So I am still in the testing phase.
ENJOY THE JOKES
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,?
balding man standing at the counter methodically?
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
?He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. ?
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding?
man and asks him what he is doing.?
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" ?
"But why?" asks the man. ?
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies ?
?
?What did the post card from the blonde say? ?
"Having a good time. Where am I?" ?
??
There once was a young man named Eugene?
Who invented a screwing machine?
Concave and convex?
It served either sex?
And it played with itself in between. ?
?
This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks?
the druggist for a box of condoms.?
?The druggist says, "How old are you, son?"?
?The kid replies, "Eleven."?
?"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says. "You're too young."?
?The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."?
?"All right, cool it," the druggists says to the kid.?
"What kind of condoms do you want?"?
?The kid tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers."?
?The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one?
of those things will do to a woman?"?
?"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"?
?
hiding the tuna she needs a break ? ?women are like a parking spot ? ? its a whopper ? buttdialing I want a ring in front of her on the sofa you paid for an hour a legend pooping with the door open when its raining money for bigger tits
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