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Daily Clean Jokes for January 14, 2025
Daily Clean Jokes for January 14, 2025
Kirk's Limerick Flies infest police station.??They stream All around and annoy, so a scheme ????????????To get rid of the flies ????????????Is soon hatched that is wise. Everybody has?joined?the?SWAT?team. ? Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.----- Kirk's Puns The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. ? What is a zebra? ????26 sizes larger than "A" bra ? Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald. ? What color is a belch? ????Burple ? Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. ? Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? ----- Man's Critical ----- Coldplay - ALL MY LOVE No jokes or puns today, just a little nostalga? for a man that brought laughter into my life on TV and in movies. who is 99+. A music video for a song from Coldplay that pays tribute to entertainment legend¡ªDick Van Dyke, who is 99 and still dancing. ----- 'Please, Someone Kill Me Now,' Begs Dried-Out Christmas Tree From Corner Of Living Room Babylon Bee ----- True News? Calling Their Bluff:?Pastor Will Duffy of the Denver Bible Church, which is in?...well...?Wheat Ridge, Colo., was surprised to learn that some people still believe the Earth is flat, so he invited several prominent Flat Earthers to accompany him to Antarctica. It seems FE¡¯ers believe that Antarctica is the edge of the Earth, and that it¡¯s ¡°off limits¡± due to the Antarctic Treaty of 1959 (despite tourists going there all the time), so they couldn¡¯t go there to get proof of theEarth¡¯s flatness. So let¡¯s go, Duffy said, and he¡¯d pay the expenses. ¡°I created The Final Experiment to end this debate once and for all,¡± Duffy said. The result? ¡°Sometimes you are wrong in life,¡± admitted FE¡¯er Jeran Campanella of the YouTube channel ¡°Jeranism¡± during a livestream from Antarctica. ¡°Don¡¯t listen to my beliefs or my opinion,¡± Campanella said, ¡°but at least you should be able to accept that the sun does exactly what these guys said as far as [it] circles the southern continent.¡± FE¡¯er Austin Whitsitt of ¡°Witsit Gets It¡± agreed: ¡°We were wrong,¡± he said. ¡°After we go to Antarctica,¡± Duffy said before the trip, ¡°no one has to waste any more time debating the shape of the Earth.¡± (RC/)?...They don¡¯t have to, but they will. Bathroom Bully:?Amber Johnson says she received a text message from her daughter¡¯s first grade teacher at Bartlett Elementary School in Conroe, Texas, letting her know students had ¡°lost their privilege to use the restroom because they lost their restroom badge.¡±?Huh??¡°Unfortunately, we had some friends who really needed to use the restroom and ended up peeing on themselves,¡± the teacher continued. Johnson says the teacher took the pass away before lunch, ¡°and didn¡¯t allow them to use the restroom for the rest of the day.¡± The teacher said her justification was that ¡°if we both help [the children] understand the rules, they will understand it better.¡± Outraged parents reached out to the school, and the district has said the teacher is ¡°no longer employed¡± there. (MS/Houston Chronicle)?...Maybe now she understands the rules. A Prime Event:?Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez are having a $600 million wedding in Aspen, Colo., the London?Daily Mail?claimed. On X, billionaire hedge fund manager Bill Ackman looked at that number and found it ¡°not credible. Unless you are buying each of your guests a house, you can¡¯t spend this much money.¡± Bezos, 60, and as the founder of Amazon.com the second-richest man in the world, shared that and added: ¡°Furthermore, this whole thing is completely false ¡ª none of this is happening.¡± The?Washington Post?owner also added advice: ¡°Now lies can get ALL the way around the world before the truth can get its pants on. So be careful out there folks and don¡¯t be gullible.¡± (AC/London Independent)?...Mr. Bezos, you¡¯re a great innovator and own a newspaper. Find a faster way for truth to get its pants on. Bezos ¡ª Jeff Bezos:?There hasn¡¯t been a James Bond film released since 2021; when might we see another? Hard to say: Albert ¡°Cubby¡± Broccoli and Harry Saltzman bought the film rights to Ian Fleming¡¯s novels in 1961, and formed Eon Productions to hold those rights and produce the films. Meanwhile, in 2021 Amazon.com paid $6.5 billion (and paid off nearly $2 billion in debt) for MGM Studios, which owns distribution rights to the existing Bond films, in large part to get the Bond films for its Prime streaming service, so it¡¯s anxious for a new Bond film. Albert¡¯s daughter, Barbara Broccoli, 64, still runs Eon,and doesn¡¯t trust Amazon and its algorithmic ways. ¡°These people are f---ing idiots,¡± she says, and refuses to permit a new film to be produced. Her thinking? She quotes her father¡¯s business motto: ¡°Don¡¯t have temporary people make permanent decisions.¡± Amazon is also anxious to make a Bond TV series, or do spinoff series, such as one based on Moneypenny. Broccoli¡¯s response to those ideas has reportedly been, ¡°Did you read the contract?¡± (RC/Wall Street Journal)?...Once you take off theshrinkwrap, it¡¯s binding. Twisted ----- This is TRUE - NOT satire. ?? ? ----- WASHINGTON, D.C. ¡ª President-elect Donald Trump has just named Buc-ee the Beaver as his Secretary of Transportation in a move bringing joy to millions of drivers across the country. According to Trump, Buc-ee has an excellent track record of experience within transportation, and the Texan beaver should play a pivotal role in cleaning up America's rest stops, gas stations, and roadside restaurants. "Buc-ee is simply tremendous," Trump told reporters. "His work is, quite frankly, some of the best work we're seeing coming out of Texas. All of the big, beautiful gas stations, with the clean bathrooms and the fudge. They say that it's the Trump Tower of gas stations, and that's really saying something, because Trump Towers are the best towers. Buc-ee is going to do an outstanding job of making America's gas stations great again." Buc-ee's nomination has encountered no opposition whatsoever, a feat which is only precedented by the 1967 appointment of the first secretary Alan S. Boyd by Lyndon B. Johnson. Many are calling it the most politically unifying Cabinet appointment of the century. At publishing time, Buc-ee had released a joint statement with DOGE stating that all DMVs would now be staffed by Buc-ee's employees for the sake of cleanliness, efficiency, and courtesy. The statement has been met by wild rejoicing. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ An Oldie But a Goodie Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant¡¯s owners hired Andersen?Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I¡¯ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter¡¯s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 per cent." I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don¡¯t know about the others, but I use the spoon." ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ In case you're missing baseball in the 'off season' Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Breaks All Records In T-Ball League?
A Cinderella SariDecember 20, 2024 by Amy Marchand Collins
In 1998, the Association for Global New Thought launched the first Season for Nonviolence, a program honoring the principles of M.K. Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The Unity Church of Overland Park sponsored it in the Kansas City area, and I was on the leadership team. Mahatma Gandhi¡¯s grandson, Arun Gandhi, who with his wife Sunanda carries on his grandfather¡¯s work, accepted our invitation to speak. We organized a dinner and fundraiser in his honor. Because team members had traveled to India, I knew they would wear clothes purchased there. I wanted that look, too. The afternoon before the dinner, I ventured to an Indian grocer rumored to carry saris. In the store, I found the saris, which were simply flat pieces of beautiful fabric. I had no idea how to put one on. I asked the manager if someone could show me. He indicated a woman and said, ¡°My customer will help you.¡± Embarrassed but driven by the knowledge that the dinner was hours away, I explained my request and its purpose. She questioned: ¡°Do you have a petticoat? Blouse? Sandals?¡± I had none. What happened next amazed me. She said, ¡°Come, I will lend you a?sari.¡± Minutes later, I was driving behind her, her teenage daughter in?my car in case I got lost. At the house, I was led upstairs. She opened?drawers and boxes, pulling out a dazzling display of silk saris. Only?one was off-limits ¡ª her wedding sari! I chose a deep green silk sari accented with real gold. She found a blouse in a similar color and a green petticoat with a drawstring waist. The drawstring anchors the fabric, which is pleated and tucked into the petticoat. She began to fold, pleating the silk and draping it around me, anchoring it with a few safety pins. She showed me how the pins held the pleats in place so I could put it on to wear for services the next morning. Next, she produced beautiful gold and pearl jewelry: earrings, a necklace, and bracelets, as well as a?bindi, the decorative accent worn in the center of the forehead. A pair of sandals (that fit!) completed the ensemble. I felt exactly like Cinderella! In the grand scheme of things, it mattered little how I was dressed for that dinner. Yet I was deeply touched at the trust and generosity this woman displayed to a stranger. How easy to ignore my request or just tell me what I needed to purchase. Instead, she invited me to her home and dressed me from head to toe. She sent me on my way with hugs and well wishes, with no apparent concern about when she would see her precious things again. Although I consider myself to be both generous and trusting, I wonder if I would have done the same had our positions been reversed. I remain deeply grateful for the opportunity to wear her sari and for her example of generosity and kindness. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Presenting The Babylon Bee Awards For 2024 ?¡¤?Dec 20, 2024 ¡¤ BabylonBee.com With only a few days left before the calendar turns to 2025, it's time to look back and honor some of this year's most amazing achievements. 2024 was one for the ages, featuring numerous historic events, momentous accomplishments, and some type of election people keep talking about. Without further ado, The Babylon Bee is proud to present the following awards for 2024:
No year-end list would be complete without remembering those who left us during the past year. Like the COVID-19 vaccine, those listed below will live forever in the hearts of millions of people. In Memoriam:
That's 2024 in a nutshell. What a year it was!? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Daily Clean Jokes for January 13, 2025
Daily Clean Jokes for January 13, 2025? ? ? ? ? Kirk's Limerick Web designer was really quite smart, Had the barber involved and take part ????????????In designing his site. ????????????Thought that it would be right To use pictures he got?from?clip?art. ? Jim, Conrad, Bill, Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns A backwards poet writes inverse. ? Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ? Old photographers never die, they just stop developing. ? He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. ? The zeros' attempt to arrange themselves into a positive number was all for nothing. ? The restaurant's food was getting worse and worse.??Customers were fed up with it all. ? Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!" ~~ A Job Funny Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job." Applicant: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible." ----- I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. Received from Mikey's Funnies. ~~  Princess In A High Tower (pun)Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. Received from Daily Groaner. ----- Sister's GrapesCatching her in the act, the grandmother confronted her 3-year-old granddaughter. Received from Good Clean Funny Laughs. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don¡¯t know what to do?" ----- My Dad, who is a pastor, was reading the newspaper the other day and it had an article on our University¡¯s football team who had 3 wins in the last 3 seasons. Then he says, "Hey Son, did I tell you that I ran into head coach two months ago down at the Supermarket?" ----- Thought Of The Day:??Even A Blind Pig ¡°Even a blind pig can find an acorn at times! I actually don't know what that saying means, but I saw it on Reddit.¡± -- JJ Maybank ----- I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..." ----- The shop was offering jackets containing 50% wool, 50% polyester. and 50% cotton. ----- Thought Of The Day:??Life's Biggest Tragedy "Life's biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late." -- Benjamin Franklin Received from aJokeaDay. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Will He Jump? Homer, a handsome dude who liked to gamble, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a woman at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The woman looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The woman replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"? Just as the woman placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The woman was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The woman replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Homer took the money. ----- Driving Lesson I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver's permit. "Oh," she said, "I already know everything in the book." "You do?" I returned. "Yep", she said, very smugly. I thought, "OK, we'll just see about that. I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?" "One," she replied. "What?" I asked. "One?!" She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added. . . "Only one, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one." ----- Three-Legged Chicken Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs. The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"? The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks." Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?" The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet." ----- Elderly Women Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"? Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" ----- Night Watchman A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen. Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper. "I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing. Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.? He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!" "Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?" "It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired." "Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard." "Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?" ----- Driving Test A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.? So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!" ----- Smart Mom A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that. "Why," asked the little girl. "Because it's dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs." The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"? Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy." The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!" "Yup," said the mom. ----- My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- In this video, we bring the vibrant memories of the 1970s to life, showcasing 14 iconic moments and everyday details that defined the decade. From cassette tapes and Polaroid cameras to vintage lunchboxes and mushroom-themed decor, these snapshots of the past are brought back in vivid detail. Flintstones star John Goodman sites down with Richard to discuss his time as a prominent Hollywood actor, and his stance on getting involved with politics. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Daily Clean Jokes for January 12, 2025
Daily Clean Jokes for January 12, 2025? ? ? ? ?? Kirk's Puns How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis. ? Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down. ? On the surface of things whales are always blowing it. ? How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. ? A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam" ----- Kirk's Limericks Hard boiled eggs are what I like to eat For my breakfast; they're really a treat. ????????????Other foods are real good, ????????????But I think that you should Understand that my eggs?can't?be?beat. ----- An attorney has really been scarred; Was thrown out of saloon by a guard. ????????????He will suffer much strife ????????????For the rest of his life 'Cause his friends know that?he?was?disbarred. ? Lee, Dick, Conrad, Jim, Chris got it.?
----- The Bee Explains: The H-1B Visa Controversy BabylonBee.com The American conservative movement, usually known for being well-organized and having zero infighting, has somehow descended into civil war over something called H-1B visas. Here is what you need to know about the controversy ripping everyone apart: What is an H-1B visa? Not to be confused with H1N1 swine flu, an H-1B visa allows people from India to come to America to build rockets and compete in spelling bees. Can people who are not from India receive a visa? The H-1B visa is not exclusive to residents of India. Central and South American residents are also eligible, as long as they can show proof that they are Indian. How does an immigrant receive an H-1B visa? The U.S. embassy in New Delhi hosts spelling bees and math competitions throughout the year. The spelling bee winner and the champion "mathlete" each receive an H-1B visa. Why does Elon Musk want more H-1B visas to be awarded? Musk needs more highly skilled engineers to build rockets, and he wants to make sure the people he hires won't steal his steak. Why are people opposed to having more H-1B visas? Americans are concerned that it's already hard enough for a white kid to win a spelling bee without importing a bunch more Indians. Additionally, there is concern that people from India are pretty smart and may take away some good jobs from Americans. What sort of jobs could Americans lose out on? The H-1B Visa is narrowly tailored to bring in only the top 0.01 percent of India's engineers, doctors, and minimart clerks. Can't Americans just beat out the Indians here on an H-1B visa to get the job? Have you tried beating an Indian kid at a spelling bee? Should I be worried about losing my job? No, they will need you for at least 6 months to help train Krishna. Received from Kirk Miller. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start now to change the ending. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer... --- I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test. --- Thought Of The Day:??Don't Be So Humble ¡°Don¡¯t be so humble, you are not that great.¡±?-- Golda Meir ----- Husband: "I want to tattoo your name on me. What do you think, shall I do it on my arm or neck?" ----- Teacher: "Define energy." ----- Thought Of The Day:??Accept Who You Are ¡°Accept who you are. Unless you¡¯re a serial killer.¡±?-- Ellen DeGeneres ----- Three years after the honeymoon it appears their puppy love had matured. ----- Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. ----- Thought Of The Day:??Only One Thing Worse ¡°There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.¡±?-- Oscar Wilde (The Picture of Dorian Gray) ----- Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get? ----- Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore." ----- Thought Of The Day:??Getting Rid of Stress Walk barefoot. Doing so stimulates pressure points on the soles, releasing the calming hormone dopamine. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Bats A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.? "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all cried in an excited frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I sure didn't!" ----- While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby. ----- The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. ----- Mars During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface. "Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man." At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.? "I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you." ----- More Jokes?/?January 07, 2025 Selena talks about being nominated for two Golden Globes, feeling awkward at award shows, being excited to see Salma Hayek, getting engaged to Benny Blanco, Martin Short and Steve Martin¡¯s reactions, spending the ... ?/?January 07, 2025 Nikki Glaser tells the jokes she didn't use at the Golden Globes. ?/?January 07, 2025 Stephen Colbert examines all the latest updates from the world of science in everyone's favorite science-focused segment. ?/?January 07, 2025 Nicholas Hoult talks about shaving his head to play Lex Luthor in Superman, his terrifying experience almost getting attacked by wolves while filming Nosferatu and starring alongside Jude Law in The Order. ?/?January 07, 2025 Google Translate Sings: "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran ?/?January 07, 2025 Jon Stewart kicks off 2025 with an unusually civil Jan. 6 election certification, and right-wing media's desperate attempts to make the Bourbon Street attack about immigration. Plus, Jon unpacks the eerily normal digital ... _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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| - January 06, 2025?- DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, after six years of marriage, my husband and I moved 3,000 miles away from everyone I knew. I wasn't in favor of the move and never felt at home in the new city, but I tried to make the best of it. We struggled financially the entire time because of the recession and our large mortgage. I met some nice people but made only one real friend, who I'll call "Gayle." Three years ago, I convinced my husband we should move somewhere else so we could retire and be more financially secure. We compromised, but it is still far from my old hometown. I have tried hard to stay connected to Gayle. When I reach out to her, she responds, but usually with only a few sentences and often complaining about her own circumstances. She never reaches out to me or asks about me and never tries to extend the conversation. I know from experience that Gayle's not happy, and I worry because I think she might be drinking too much. I'm sad that she doesn't seem to want to stay connected, but it's painful to keep reaching out and getting so little back. I'm tired of trying but unsure if I should tell her how I feel or just give up. Please advise.?-- LONELY AND FAR FROM HOME DEAR LONELY:?Some relationships are situational. You can't do all the work of maintaining a long-distance friendship if Gayle isn't willing to put forth some effort. All you will get is more frustration. You have referred twice in your letter to your original hometown, but if you were to visit there, you might find that your old friends have moved on in their lives and the period of life you yearn for cannot be replicated. That's why it may be time to devote your energy to starting new activities in your new community. From that will come new relationships and possibly new friendships. DEAR ABBY: I have one sister and three younger half-sisters, all of whom I love. Recently, two of my nieces, the daughters of one of my half-sisters, gave birth within months of each other. Both decided to name their babies after their grandparents. One was named after my stepfather, which left me dismayed because I do not love or respect him. In fact, I hate him. My stepfather was an alcoholic who molested my sister and was physically abusive to me when we were growing up. Yet he was loving and protective of his own daughters, my half-sisters. I don't believe my nieces are aware of this. My stepfather died before my nieces were born, so they never knew him. I truly cannot bear to call the baby by his given name. I kept this to myself, but my sister noticed that I avoid using the baby's name and has confided in me the very same feelings. If she noticed, perhaps my half-sisters have noticed as well. I don't want this to end up causing a family rift, but when I hear somebody use the name, I literally start to shake. I thought my stepfather was out of my life forever when he died. How should my sister and I deal with this? Can we make up our own nickname? Currently we both refer to the baby simply as "Baby." -- NAME-HATER IN THE MIDWEST DEAR NAME-HATER:?Yes, you certainly can do that, and you could also tell your half-sisters and the nieces the reason why. Beyond that, make an effort to move past this. If you and your sister haven't received counseling for the abuse you endured from your late stepfather, it may help. |
Auctioneers are all calling the shots
During bidding, and here are my thoughts
????????????About what they must do
????????????To be good. I think you
Are aware auctioneers?must?know?lots.
?
Jim got it.
?
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
????Udder destruction
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What is the difference between a miser and a canary?
????One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
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He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
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A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
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I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
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When does a boat show affection?
????When it hugs the shore
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Escaped ApeOne day, an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, the ape was found in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible: the other was a book written by Darwin.
The zookeepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Received from MeMail dot com via GCFL..
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A guy goes to the doctor.
Guy: "Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places."
Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places!"
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Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!"
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"
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Thought Of The Day:??Always Forgive Your Enemies
¡°Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.¡± -- Oscar Wilde
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Bob: Hey Al, you know you owe me $500.
Al: Yes.
Bob: I¡¯ll tell you what I¡¯ll do. I¡¯ll forget half of the money.
Al: That¡¯s perfect, I¡¯ll forget the other half.
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The arithmetic teacher proposed the following to the class, "If there are three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?"
After a short time, Little Johnny shouts out, "Two left."
The teachers response, "I'm afraid you don't get the point. Let me repeat the joke. There were three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?
Johnny replied again, "Two left."
Teacher, "No, none would be left, because when one is shot, the other two would fly away."
Johnny, "That's what I said, TWO LEFT!!!"
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Thought Of The Day:??Never Go To Bed Mad
¡°Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.¡± -- Phyllis Diller
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Rental Car Tips
The "Under 100-Mile" Fuel Charge (Avis & Budget)
This one took me a while to figure out. For some reason, when you drive under 100 miles with Avis or Budget, they often add a "fuel charge," even if you've filled the tank before returning the car. I've been charged for this dozens of times. The first few times, I had no idea why I was being charged. When I finally asked, they explained that even if you refuel, you'll still get hit with this fee if you drove fewer than 100 miles.
To avoid it, I now always request a receipt with a total before walking away from the car. A lot of locations encourage you to "just leave the keys on the dash" and promise to email you a receipt later. Absolutely not! If you leave without a printed receipt, you could be charged this sneaky fee, and by the time you see it on your emailed receipt, it's too late to handle it in person. At that point, you're stuck calling customer service, which is never fun.
Prepaid Fuel Is Almost Never a Good Deal
This is something most people probably already know, but it's worth repeating.?. Not only do they charge more per gallon than any local gas station, but you're also paying for the entire tank, even if you don't use it all.
The only time prepaying for fuel might make sense is if you have a super early return (like 4 a.m.) and you're worried about finding an open gas station.
One thing I've also learned is that if you're at an airport where you get to pick your own car from the lot, the system calculates the prepaid fuel cost based on a random tank size. For example, I was once quoted $65 for fuel, based on a 16-gallon tank. But the car I picked (a Kia Forte) only had a 12-gallon tank. If I had prepaid for fuel, I would have overpaid by at least $12 to $15. This isn't something people typically think about, but it's another reason to skip the prepaid fuel option.
The SiriusXM Upsell (Don't Fall for It!)
I can't tell you how many times rental agents have asked, "Do you want to add SiriusXM to your rental?" The thing is, this is?. Whether the car has SiriusXM or not is already determined by the car itself. It's not something the agent can "turn on" or "activate" for you.
In my experience, if they offer you SiriusXM, the car is probably already equipped with it for free. This has happened to me at least 12-15 times. I decline the offer, only to get in the car and see that Sirius is already working. If the agent asks if you want to pay for Sirius, it's probably just them trying to pad their commission.
The Insurance Trick (Watch Their Wording!)
This is one of the sneakier tactics I've seen recently. When you get to the counter, the agent will often ask, "Do you want the premium coverage or the basic coverage?" (Sometimes the choice is "enhanced coverage" or "basic coverage.") They make it sound like these are the only two options.
Here's the kicker: They rarely mention that "no coverage" is also an option. I've had agents straight-up tell me I had to choose one of the two. I've learned to respond with, "Is no coverage an option?" And it always is.
Rental agents are trained to push protection plans because they?. This is why they frame the question as if you have to pick one. But many?. For instance, the Costco Citi credit card provides up to $50,000 in damage protection if you pay for your rental with the card. Knowing this has saved me from paying for unnecessary coverage at the counter.
Kirk Miller
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FLINT, MI ¡ª Local man Keith Peters was sentenced today to six years in prison for failing to properly use a stud finder by first pointing it at himself and saying, "BEEEEEEEEP!"
According to witnesses, Peters was just getting around to installing a TV mount for his wife, Mercy, when he had to pull the stud finder out of his tool bag. Despite knowing full well that federal law requires all men to point the stud-finder at themselves and make a beeping noise prior to using it, Peters reportedly ignored his better judgment and started sweeping the device against the wall.
"You can still visit him in prison, of course, but I'm very disappointed right now," the presiding judge told Mrs. Peters. "No man has forgotten to use the stud finder to find himself since the device was invented. Your husband is a disgrace to this country and to my district. Imagine missing the opportunity to make a dad joke like that. Pitiful¡ absolutely pitiful."
While in jail, Peters was scheduled to undergo mandatory man training, where he will have to practice taking his stud finder out of the toolbag and pointing it at himself before making a satisfactory beep noise. He must also demonstrate proficiency in pulling out his hammer and telling everyone in the room "It's hammer time," in addition to reminding them "I saw that" any time he prepares to use a circular saw.
At publishing time, Peters's sentence had been commuted after he had impressed the judge by pulling his hatchet out of his work bag and offering it to the judge while saying "I have a small thing to axe of you."
A man gathers his three teenage sons out in his backyard, next to a burnt down shack. He says to them, ¡°I know one of you burned down the outhouse. Which one of you did it?¡±
The sons remained silent.
The man said, ¡°My sons, I want to tell you the story of George Washington. He chopped down his father¡¯s prize cherry tree. When his father asked him about it, he said, ¡®I cannot tell a lie, father. It was I who chopped down the tree.¡¯ Rather than punishing him, his father rewarded him for his courage in telling the truth in difficult circumstances.¡±
¡°So I ask you again, my sons: which of you burned down the outhouse?¡±
The middle son came forward with his head hung down, saying, ¡°Father, your story has shamed me. I was the one who lit the outhouse on fire.¡±
At this point, the father picked up a branch and started after the middle son, who ran for his life! As he ran away, he shouted over his shoulder, ¡°But father - what about George Washington and the cherry tree?¡±
The father replied, ¡°George Washington¡¯s father wasn¡¯t IN THE CHERRY TREE when he chopped it down!¡±
As seen at Quora.
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And Yet Another Resolution Funny
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
2021: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2022: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2023: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2024: I will work out 3 days a week.
2025: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
>>>Today's Thot
Someone ripped the 5th month out my new 2025 calendar! I'm dismayed!
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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"The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather - because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?" -Jimmy Fallon
"Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don't see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon." -Seth Meyers
"Archaeologists believe they have found the tomb of St. Nicholas beneath an ancient church in Turkey. St. Nicholas, of course, is the basis for the legend of Santa Claus. And they think they found him. Which means now when my son asks me if Santa is real, I can confidently say, 'Yes! He is dead though. That's why you didn't get that bike.'" -James Corden
A pretty young blonde stood at the bank cashier's window and smiled. "I'd like to cash this check, please," she said, handing it over.
The teller examined the check and said: "Could you identify yourself, Miss?"
For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over, then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, "Yes! It's me, all right!"
The clerk said, "No Ma'am, you misunderstood me. We require a photo identification."
The girl searched her bag again and found a picture with a group of people. "This is a recent family photo," she explained. "That's me, third from the left."
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A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
Received from Gopher Central.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have what I consider to be a happy marriage. My question concerns ongoing conversations we have been having about my hair color. The first couple of years we were together, my hair was gray, and then I dyed it red. While I know he loved it, I did it for one reason: I wanted to avoid aging myself unnecessarily in the workplace. My husband knew this. Two years ago, now retired, I decided to stop coloring my hair. Since then, he continually mentions that he wants me to return to red hair. I have told him repeatedly that I'm unwilling to do that. He says he loved me so much when I was a redhead (does that mean he loves me less now?) and that my "going gray" has made HIM feel old. I am dismayed and annoyed by his continuing campaign to have me color my hair again, and I have said so. He even brings it up in front of our friends, which feels to me as though he's trying to gather outside support for his argument. I LIKE my gray hair. It saddens me that my husband finds me less attractive or that my gray hair may be the reason he "feels old," but I wonder why my hair color choice bears that burden of responsibility. Isn't it rightfully my choice? I wouldn't dream of directing him about how to wear his hair. Your thoughts? -- SILVER GIRL IN NEW YORK DEAR GIRL: This shouldn't be a power struggle, which it appears it has turned into. Yes, your hair color is your choice, and rightfully so. (Would wearing a red wig when your husband is feeling amorous be a workable compromise?) If he "feels old" when he sees gray hair, perhaps coloring his own hair would make him feel younger. DEAR ABBY: I have worked successfully in the creative arts most of my professional life. My problem? My spouse never misses an opportunity to denigrate my work. If I show an unusual inspiration or spark of creativity which I am proud of, they instantly find fault and say it's not a good or valid idea. It's crushing! This could destroy our long and happy marriage. It's painful because I love my spouse in every way. I am always respectful and supportive of their professional work. -- NO VALIDATION IN CALIFORNIA DEAR NO VALIDATION: Spouses are supposed to support each other. Is your spouse equally successful in their creative and work endeavors? If the answer is no, they may be jealous of, or threatened by, your success. They could also be insensitive about how their remarks affect you. Have you asked your spouse why they are trashing your work? If you have and the response was unsatisfactory, a way to deal with this may be to tell your spouse you prefer that from now on, they keep their opinion to themself, and quit looking to them for validation. |
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Let It Go? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Direct link:?
At the end of the year, woman claims
To her football fan husband named James,
????????????"When I turn on TV,
????????????College football I see.
I'm?bowled?over?by?all of the games."
?
Chris got it.
?
Kirk Miller
KirkMiller@....??I will fill in the blanks tomorrow.
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Kirk's Puns
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
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In some places fog will never be mist.
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Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
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What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.
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Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
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More Curious OnelinersRecessions are started by people who fear recessions.
The real cause of divorce is marriage.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Recession: A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard of.
I chose the path less traveled, but only because I was lost.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
You can pick your friends, but not your family.
Not he, who has much, is rich, but he who gives much.
Work when you should and play all the time.
The police can do a search if it's warranted.
Join the IRS! Be Audit You Can Be!
Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.
A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same way.
Received from Joke du Jour via GCFL.
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?
Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work, checking your socials.
~ Get in a whole NEW rut!
~ Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.
~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about your faults.
~ Never make New Year's resolutions again.
>>>Today's Thot
Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
The owner of a company tells his employees, ¡°You worked very hard this year, therefore the company¡¯s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a check for $5,000!¡±
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
¡°And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks!¡±
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The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony divorce.
"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry, and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."
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Thought Of The Day:??Don't Count the Days
"Don't count the days. Make the days count." -- Muhammad Ali
* You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
* The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.
* Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.
* You think Central Park is "nature."
* You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.
* You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
* You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.?
* You have 27 different take-out menus next to your tele- phone.
* Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.
* America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
* You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it.
* You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
* You don't hear sirens anymore.
* You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
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Deep Thoughts about Pigs and Sheep
Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?
If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?
If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?
If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?
What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep??
Why can't pigs look up into the sky?
Why do pigs have curly tails?
Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?
Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?
Would a small pig be called a hamlet?
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Enough Is Enough
One night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Ben.
Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Ben, and she had a wrong number. The fifth time she called, I had had enough.
"Hello?" I said.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end ... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well ... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."?
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean ... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes ... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't.
"Well ... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry ... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and that she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will ... but Becky isn't going to like this ..."
When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school.
Her dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it.
She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!
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Out of Order
A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.
On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."?
Underneath it someone had scrawled. . . "Keep Running!"
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The Power of? a Woman
There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.?
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter on the address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a loud scream, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen:?
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE ...
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Original Airdate: 03/04/1976
DEAR ABBY: I was raped by a family member and, due to special circumstances, told no one except one other family member, who I swore to secrecy. She recently got mad at me because of my religious beliefs, and now she's saying if I pass away before she does, she's going to tell my grown children who assaulted me. I'm praying she said it out of anger, but I'm scared because I know my children would harm the rapist, if not kill him, for what he did. I can't understand why this family member would say such a thing. What can I say or do to protect my secret? God has taken care of me, and my violator is locked up now for other reasons. -- FEARFUL IN THE WEST DEAR FEARFUL: When you told your relative about your rape, it was no longer a secret. Because you are now afraid she will tell your children, approach her by saying that if she follows through, you fear they will take revenge after he is released and, by doing so, ruin their own lives. DEAR ABBY: My husband has cancer, and the doctors say he has maybe a year left. Before his diagnosis, we had friends we would hang out with and go to dinner with once or twice a month. Now I don't hear a word from them. They don't call or text to ask how we are doing. Is it my responsibility to get ahold of them? I feel like I'm all alone in this fight, and they don't seem to care. -- INVISIBLE IN IOWA DEAR INVISIBLE: What a sad letter. Please accept my sympathy for your husband's prognosis. This is a tragic situation, and not one that you and your husband should be facing alone. The absence of these friends may have less to do with lack of caring than an overwhelming fear of cancer and an inability to face their own mortality. Of course you can reach out to them. But after that, if they still can't step up, you might have better luck by joining a cancer support group. If you do, you will find you are nowhere near as alone as you think you are. DEAR ABBY: I need advice about getting in contact with my daughter. She's 22 and has a busy life. I understand her struggles with balancing all the day-to-day commitments, but she will not return my calls or texts. We have had a bruised past because of my divorce five years ago, but we have talked things through to where I feel we have been repairing old wounds. Every time we are together, it's as if nothing has marred our relationship. I know she's young, but I need to know if I should be more persistent or just wait for her to eventually contact me. -- WAITING PARENT IN WASHINGTON DEAR PARENT: You didn't mention how persistent you have been, but you won't become closer to your daughter if you hound her with requests for more contact. She may be busy, distracted or just self-centered. Text or call her once a month and you may have better luck getting a response. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Men and Women Should Be EqualDirect link:?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
Sold computer parts and I did thrive;
Was the best at my firm, but now I've
????????????Been unable to sell.
????????????I am not doing well.
And the reason: I just?lost?my?drive.
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Conrad, Chris, Carol, Jim got it.
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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A?dyslexic man walks into a bra . . .
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Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
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Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz.
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Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired.
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What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
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My son asked me if a punch bowl is a place where you keep names of people you want to punch...
I usually keep them in my head,??but keeping them in a fancy crystal bowl seems classy.
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Dear Customer Service,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
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Thought Of The Day:??Trapped By Dogma
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma ¨C which is living with the results of other people's thinking."
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My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much.
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I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun. I said to keep warm.
She asked, "How warm is it inside?"
I said, "Lukewarm."
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Thought Of The Day:??It Must Be Education
¡°How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it.¡±?¨D Alexandre Dumas
Received from aJokeADay.
~~
21st Birthdays
A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.
So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"?
Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July.
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On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"
Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."
Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."
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Calls to Call Center
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?.
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
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There was a caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: Woven?. Are you sure?.
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland".
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Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".
Operator: "Where are you calling from?".
Caller: "The living room".
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".?
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?".
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?".
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
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British Rail
Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?"
Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free."
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Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
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New Book Titles
Here's a listing of some recently-published "new books" & their author....
- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down?
- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung
- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud
- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter
- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples
- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath
- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch
- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
When Fred Rogers met Mr. Robinson, Eddie Murphy. (Air date; 2/17/1982)
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? ? ? ? ? ? A Different Viewpoint Is Important? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Direct link:?
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| - December 28, 2024?- DEAR ABBY: After several months of weight loss, our preteen daughter was hospitalized after a trip to the ER. She was diagnosed with ARFID. It's an eating disorder we had never heard of but one in which the patient is NOT deliberately losing weight or attempting to change their body. We canceled a vacation and have taken time off work to circle the wagons and care for her. This has caused questions from our friends, acquaintances, co-workers and extended family, which we have been ducking. As a former sufferer of an eating disorder, my wife is reluctant to let anyone outside our inner circle know what is going on and risk our daughter beginning middle school with the stigma of an eating disorder. But we need to say something to the people in our lives who know something is wrong and ask what's going on and where we've been. What should we tell people to preserve our daughter's privacy while acknowledging that not everything is OK? I thought something like, "My daughter is having stomach problems (true) and lost a bunch of weight (true), and the doctors are trying to figure out what's going on," but my wife is concerned that even mentioning weight is going to be stigmatizing. She is advocating telling people our daughter is malnourished (also true), but to me, this will lead people to draw conclusions that are both too close to home and inaccurate. Please advise. -- NAVIGATING THIS IN THE MIDWEST DEAR NAVIGATING: I wish your daughter a complete recovery. Her weight loss will be obvious to anyone who sees her. If I were doing the explaining, I'd shorten the message, eliminating the "lost a bunch of weight" to something like, "Our daughter is having stomach issues. She's under a doctor's care, and her team is figuring out what's going on." Period. DEAR ABBY: I have a neighbor who gossips about our other neighbors. She tells me if a man comes to visit our neighbor across the street and if he spends the night. She's always asking me where they are going and what they are doing. I told her I don't know because I don't pay attention to what other people are doing. This neighbor has now started calling me if I go out and wants to know where I went. If I go to the doctor, she asks me why. If I have work being done at my home, she asks how much I paid for it. If I'm out more than a few hours, she asks where I was for so long. I am a private person, and I will tell someone if I want them to know. She even comes outside and starts pulling weeds if I have company. I don't know how to deal with her. -- PRIVATE IN WEST VIRGINIA DEAR PRIVATE: Deal with this nosy woman by telling her if it was any of her business, she would already know the answer to her incessant, intrusive questions. Avoid her as much as possible. If your across-the-street neighbor doesn't already know, warn her that this person is invading her privacy and repeating every detail she observes to anyone who will listen. __________________________________________________________ What's your best flu vaccine option?By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D.?on?Dec 27, 2024 During last year's flu season, around 40 million people came down with the virus, 18 million of them went to see their doctor or to the emergency room because of their symptoms, almost half a million were hospitalized and 28,000 folks died from influenza-related issues such as pneumonia and inflammation of the heart and brain, and sepsis. Unfortunately, vaccination coverage only hit 32% in 2023, but even so, it's estimated that vaccinations prevented almost 10 million influenza-related illnesses, around 5 million medical visits, 120,000 influenza-related hospitalizations, and nearly 8,000 influenza-related deaths. To take advantage of the protection a flu shot provides, research indicates that the best choice may be to get a recombinant influenza vaccine. According to a study in Open Forum Infectious Diseases, the recombinant vaccine elicits a 29% stronger humoral immune response than the standard dose of an inactivated flu vaccine when given to folks ages 18 to 64. And, no, that isn't because it's funnier! A humoral immune response means that your immune system's B cells marshal a defense against the invading flu virus and -- with any luck -- lay it to waste. Other ways to strengthen your immune system include having a regular sleep schedule, eating at least seven servings of fruits and vegetables daily, eliminating added sugars and red meats from your diet and getting 300 minutes of exercise weekly. For more tips on strengthening your immune system, check out the free newsletter at LongevityPlaybook.com and "5 Natural Ways to Strengthen Immunity for Cold and Flu Season" at iHerb.com/blog. ? Dr. Mike Roizen is the founder of , and Dr. Mehmet Oz is global advisor to , the world's leading online health store. Roizen and Oz are chief wellness officer emeritus at Cleveland Clinic and professor emeritus at Columbia University, respectively. Together they have written 11 New York Times bestsellers (four No. 1's). (c)2024 Michael Roizen, M.D. Distributed by King Features Syndicate, Inc. (c) 2024 Michael Roizen, M.D. Distributed by King Features Syndicate, Inc. |
Kirk's Limerick
Woman's bill for perfume is immense.
It's four hundred bucks, quite an expense.
????????????The perfume is quite rare,
????????????Costs too much.??Folks declare
That she's known to have?no?common?scents.
?
Conrad, Carol, Chris, Lee, Jim got it.
?
Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
"Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.
There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."
>>>Today's Thot
Christmas might be over, but not the core values we exercise in it. So don't let go of the kindness, sharing God's grace, and love shared between friends and family.
How long?A Christian starts to pray to God. He says, "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God replies, "It's as a second my son."
The the man says, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
God says, "It's as a penny, my son."
The man says, "God, can I have one of those pennies?"
God says, "Just wait a second, my son."
Received from Kevin Rayner?
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Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. - Benjamin Franklin
I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Mega Jones
There's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation. - John Ciandi
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. - Steve Fergosi
I went out with a guy who told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around. - Chelsea Handler
In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol. It was the worst twenty minutes of my life. - George Best
Hangover: The wrath of grapes. - Dorothy Parker
The hard thing about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. - Richard Braunstein
Not drunk is he,
Who from the floor
Can rise alone and still drink more;
But drunk is he, who prostrate lies,
Without the power to drink or rise.
- Thomas Love Peacock
Received from Wayne Onaka.
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You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money and time trying to track one down.
You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes.
Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "Python, C, C++, Pascal, Assembler, Javascript."
Received from GCFL.
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This year I made my New Year's Resolution... A husband who has been working out as per his new years resolution says to his wife, "Honey, I think I took on too much for a beginner. I've decided to break up my workout." ----- Thought Of The Day: Write It On Your Heart "Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year." |
A man strolled into the barbershop and treated himself to the full works¡ªshave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, the whole deal.
Once he was finished, he motioned to a little boy standing nearby and said, ¡°Hop in the chair, kiddo. I¡¯m going to step out and grab a green tie for the parade. I¡¯ll be back in a few minutes.¡±
The barber nodded, set to work, and soon enough, the boy¡¯s haircut was done. But the man still hadn¡¯t come back. Scratching his head, the barber leaned down and said, ¡°Looks like your dad forgot all about you, huh?¡±
The boy said, ¡°That wasn¡¯t my dad! He just grabbed my hand outside and said, ¡®Hey, kid, let¡¯s go get a free haircut!¡¯¡±
The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
I was telling a friend about my enrollment in a weight-loss program and how excited I was about the meetings.
"Sounds great," she said. "I'm almost tempted to join too."
"Well, next time I go," I replied, "I'll take you along."
"Okay," my friend responded, and then she asked, "Do they serve refreshments?"
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When Parents Get Old ...
Let them grow old with the same love that they let you grow ...
Let them speak and tell repeated stories with the same patience and interest that they heard yours as a child ...
Let them overcome, like so many times when they let you win ...
Let them enjoy their friends just as they let you ¡
Let them enjoy the talks with their grandchildren, because they see you in them ...
Let them enjoy living among the objects that have accompanied them for a long time, the memories bring joy ...
Let them be wrong, like so many times you have been wrong and they didn¡¯t embarrass you by correcting you ...
LET THEM LIVE and try to make them happy the last stretch of the path they have left to go;
Give them your hand, just like they gave you their hand when you started your path!
- Unknown
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The Truth Log
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Well, is it true?" asked the captain, knowing full well it was.
"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry.
The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The captain was sober today."
Received from Pastor Tim.
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TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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CD Jokes
I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"
He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."
"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."?
"Exactly."
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Forgiving?
Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"?
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."
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Handicapped Parking
You are parked in a space clearly designated for disabled persons. Please circle the statement which best describes your handicap:
- I don't read good.
- I suffer from terminal laziness.
- I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Huh?
- My inner child was bugging me for ice cream.
- My shoes are too expensive to walk in.?
- Wheelchair symbol? I thought it was a rocking chair!
- My religion forbids acts of common courtesy.
- I ignore OTHER laws, why not this one?
- I AM disabled... by a painfully swollen ego.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Original Airdate: May 06th, 1983
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? ? ? ? Do You Want To Live A Long Time?? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Direct link:?
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DEAR ABBY: "Looking Out for Mom in Chicago" (Aug. 16) was concerned that 69-year-old Mom wasn't getting out and socializing now that she has moved closer to them, and worried they'll be her only support as she ages. They also said she's always been shy. As a nearly 70-year-old introvert, I understand how their mom feels. Moving to a new place with no friends isn't exactly a bad thing when you're introverted. I get all the socializing I need when I go to town to shop and talk with familiar clerks. To force an introvert into situations they aren't familiar with is stressful on the person. It's a terribly uncomfortable situation. People need to realize that there are folks out there who really are fine in their own company. -- CATHY IN WISCONSIN DEAR CATHY: Thank you for lending your insight. Other readers who have "been there" also shared their experiences. Read on: DEAR ABBY: As a social worker who has worked with elders for years, I guarantee that "Looking's" mom will not respond well to, nor comply with, being told she "must" make friends and interact with others. She may be grieving the loss of her friends back home, her previous faith community and more. She may need time to reconcile all of this. If she's active, staying healthy and taking care of herself, let her decide when she's ready to reach out and broaden her circle. Friendships and social activities can't be forced. They occur organically. Rather than her son and daughter-in-law dictating what she should do, how about sitting down with her and gently exploring how she is adjusting, and how they can help her in a more supportive way? -- SILVER-HAIRED IN MASSACHUSETTS DEAR ABBY: You were on the right track to suggest that "Mom" become a volunteer. Volunteering allows the person to get involved to whatever degree they wish in their areas of interest. I joined a dog therapy group in my hometown. It provides casual, short-term visits in hospitals, rehab centers, nursing homes, school campuses, businesses and manufacturing facilities. The focus of dog therapy is primarily on the person being visited -- but EVERYONE benefits. -- DON IN SOUTH CAROLINA DEAR ABBY: May I suggest they have Mom's hearing tested? Not being able to hear what is going on discourages people from joining in and getting involved in group settings. -- MARGO IN ILLINOIS DEAR ABBY: You might add, on behalf of Shy Mom, that taking an adult education class or two in the local community, in subjects that interest her, will give her access to potential friends. Better yet, she can be in the class but not required to interact with "strangers" unless she wants to. -- JOHN J. IN CALIFORNIA
|
Near the end of the year, readers dwell
On the folks who that year did excel.
????????????The person of the year
????????????May not be very clear.
People say to just wait;?Time?will?tell.
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Lee, Carol, Conrad, Dick, Jim, Chris, Grover, Bill?got it.?
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
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I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
?
Why was the ink drop sad?
????Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be
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Once upon a time there were three moles; a papa mole, a momma mole and a baby mole. One morning the 3 moles were sniffing around their mole hole looking for food. The papa mole sniffed and said, ¡° Mmm! I smell carrots!¡± The momma more sniffed and said, ¡°Mmmm. I smell radishes!¡± The baby mole sniffed, smiled and said, ¡° Mmmm! I smell molasses!!--------Two blokes are sitting at the end of a bar. One orders a drink. The other one says, ¡°From your voice, I¡¯d guess you¡¯re from Ireland.¡±
¡°Yes, that I am,¡± says the second.
¡°So am I. And from where in Ireland might you be?¡± says the first.
I¡¯m from Dublin, I am.¡±
¡°Mother Mary. And on what street in Dublin did you live?¡±
¡°A lovely little area of the old part of town, McCleary Street.¡±
¡°Faith and begorrah. What a small world. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?¡±
¡°Well, to St. Mary¡¯s, of course.¡±
¡°As did I,¡± the first bloke says, getting very excited. ¡°And what year did you graduate?¡±
¡°Oh, let me see now. ¡¯Twas 1964, it was.¡±
The first fellow is now beside himself. ¡°The good Lord must be smiling on us. Imagine that the two of us should be meeting here, having grown up on the same street, gone to the same school, and graduated in the same year.¡±
At that point, a woman enters, stands at the other end, and orders a drink. Brian, the bartender says, ¡°Oh, Vicky, it¡¯s going to be a long, tiring night.¡±
¡°Now why would you be saying that, Brian?¡±
¡°The Murphy twins are drunk again.¡±
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MILWAUKEE, WI ¡ª Recent security camera footage of Martha Holmes shows that the 73-year-old Wisconsin native ignorantly attempted to use cash to pay for her groceries yesterday.
The video clearly shows Holmes offering a $20 bill to a confused store clerk, even after he gestured for Holmes to swipe or tap her credit card or iPhone to pay.
"I was so confused," Holmes told reporters afterward. "The nice man kept asking me if I had a chip or not, and I only ever buy chips when the grandkids come over for a weekend. And then he said to tap my card, but I don't have a card. Do you think he was talking about those debit cards my son keeps mentioning? I hope he didn't think that I was trying to pass off a counterfeit bill or anything."
The video also reveals that Holmes fished a coin purse out of her real purse at one point in a desperate attempt to give exact change. Though the footage is somewhat grainy, it appears to record a violent allergic reaction from the cashier.
At publishing time, Holmes had been seen writing a letter to the grocery store to ask if they would please start taking cash again.
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Caped Crusader:?Kyle Whiting was getting his hair cut in Warrington, Cheshire, England, when he noticed his barber was distracted by something going on outside. Whiting, 32, looked up to see a man attacking a police officer. ¡°I thought, ¡®I¡¯m not sitting back and watching this¡¯,¡± he said later. He leapt from the barber¡¯s chair and ran to assist the officer, with the barber¡¯s cape flying behind him in the wind. By the time he arrived the cop was on the ground with the attacker, and other passersby had come to help too. The attacker was arrested. After going back to finish his haircut, Whiting went to the hospital to pick up his girlfriend. She happened to be sitting next to the officer, who was waiting for an X-ray of his finger; it was broken in the incident. (RC/BBC)?...Which Whiting quickly fixed up for the cop thanks to his X-ray vision.
Popping Up:?Last year, the first Pop-Tarts Bowl in Orlando, Fla., thrilled football fans after the game ended: a man dressed as a giant Pop Tart went into a giant toaster holding a sign that read, ¡°Dreams really do come true.¡± Then, it popped up as a ¡°real¡± giant toaster pastry, and the winning team ate it. This year they¡¯re amping it up: fans were asked to choose from three flavors for the edible mascot; ¡°Cinnamon Roll¡± won. The winning team will be able to satisfy future Pop-Tart cravings: the trophy is a working toaster. (MS/South Florida Sun-Sentinel)?...Now that¡¯s a celebrity roast.
Paging Dr. Streisand:?¡°There was no United logo on the design, just Luigi,¡± Sean Morrow wrote on X. And yet, according to a screenshot shared by artist Rachel Kenaston, TeePublic told her that it had received a Digital Millennium Copyright Act take down notice from UnitedHealth Group, the parent company of UnitedHealthcare, whose CEO, Brian Thompson, was allegedly killed by Luigi Mangione. In the wake of the shooting, there has been much criticism of the health insurer, and Mangione has been treated as a folk hero. ¡°So #UnitedHealthcare thinks they have the rights to my Luigi design?¡± Kenaston, of Brooklyn, N.Y., posted. Emphasizing that the design was Kenaston¡¯s own artwork, Morrow asked, ¡°How does that infringe on UnitedHealth [intellectual property] or copyright at all?¡± (AC/Newsweek)?...UnitedHealth: ¡°IP on you!¡± Luigi fans: ¡°Yes, you do.¡±
Full Circle:?Richard Lacey admitted in Llandrindod Wells Magistrates Court that he drove while drunk in Talgarth, Wales. His alcohol level, as measured by a breathalyser device, was 41 micrograms of alcohol in 100 ml of breath; the legal limit is 35 micrograms. Lacey, 70, came to police attention after crashing his car on a roundabout. ¡°I misjudged how much I¡¯d drunk,¡± he said, representing himself in court. ¡°I had a couple of glasses of wine with lunch and a few pints of beer.¡± As for what he does for work, he replied, ¡°I¡¯m retired. I designed breathalysers and used to work with the police.¡± (RC/Shropshire Star)?...Pocket breathalysers: as little as 20 pounds on Amazon.
You¡¯re Either Going to Love This, or Hate It
¡®Polarization¡¯ is Merriam-Webster¡¯s 2024 Word of the Year
AP headline
Curious One LinersTwo Mohicans walk into a bar. That was the last I saw of them.
A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.
Did you really think Mr. Rogers wanted you or me as a neighbor?
When you're rich, it's "eccentric"; when you're poor, it's just strange.
A grown-up is someone who suffers from responsibility.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Your dreams will come true as soon as you're ready.
Received from Joke du Jour via GCFL.
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Know when you have a problem?
When you stand in your living room to take a picture, and after you say "Cheese", a rat jumps out and says, "Where?"
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A woman was visiting the zoo when she passed two workmen that were crying.
"Why are you guys crying?" she asked.
One replied, "One of the elephants just died."
"The big elephant must have been your favorite animal in the zoo?" she asked.
"No, Ma'am-- love has nothing to do with it. The boss told us we have to dig the grave."
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Thought Of The Day:??Nothing Is Impossible
¡°People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.¡±?¨D A.A. Milne, 'Winnie-the-Pooh'
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Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.
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Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack.
"That must be expensive," Bob replied.
"He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him.
"$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.
"I don't know. That's his problem."
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Thought Of The Day:
Getting Rid of Stress
Walk barefoot. Doing so stimulates pressure points on the soles, releasing the calming hormone dopamine.
Received from aJokeADay.
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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk, and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
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Mean Old Woman
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.?
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."
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Florist Mistake
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."?
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
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Nerd Overpopulation
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."
The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"
The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."?
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Original Airdate: September 27th, 1973
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DEAR ABBY: I am a widow of two decades who has raised a family in an old historic home in a small island town. In the course of renovating and maintaining the home, a father-and-son electrician team have been like family. During the past year or so, the dad, who is in his late 70s (older than I am) has started making unwanted romantic overtures in the form of suggestive or lovey-dovey texts, emails, phone calls, invitations to lunch or cocktails and professions of having harbored "secret fantasies" while working for me throughout the years. What's even worse is that his romantic partner of decades is in a mid-range stage of dementia. I find this annoying and insulting, and I have politely discouraged or tried to deflect his overtures with humor. Fortunately, he does not live on the island, but if he sees my car in town, he begs me to meet up for a "quick hug." Electricians of his caliber are rare, and I really can't afford to lose him. His moonlighting rates have always been a "friends and family" deal. His son has taken a job with a big outfit and is rarely available. How do I pull the plug on the dad's amorous advances, without him blowing a fuse? -- EXTINGUISHED IN MAINE DEAR EXTINGUISHED: Tell this man in plain English that you think he is a terrific friend, but you are morally opposed to involving yourself romantically with anyone whose partner is ill. He needs to hear it. DEAR ABBY: My mom and two sisters constantly complain about their physical ailments. None of them has been evaluated or diagnosed by a physician. They have tried repeatedly to treat themselves with outdated advice and cure-alls that aren't backed by scientific information. I have tried to express to them the importance of proper nutrition and resistance training, since building and keeping muscle is so important as we age. Abby, I'm no expert, but I have transformed my body and my life with those simple rules. My mom and sisters are so defensive and dismissive of my advice, I've all but given up trying to talk to them. If they won't at least try something new to feel better, how can I deal with their constant complaining? Do I keep suggesting the same things to them? Do I ignore their complaints? -- FAMILY HELPER IN CALIFORNIA DEAR HELPER: Because trying to guide your mother and your sisters toward a healthier lifestyle hasn't worked and has become a source of frustration for you, stop trying to help. They have tuned you out, and your efforts are wasted. A step in the right direction would be to ignore their complaints and change the subject rather than give them advice they won't follow. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________By Michael Roizen, M.D.? Whether you say "si" or "oui" or "nai," saying "yes" to a Mediterranean diet can protect your heart and extend your life. A new study in Nutrients looked at data on almost 680,000 folks and found that sticking to a Mediterranean diet decreases the risk of a heart attack or stroke by 23% and your chance of dying from a cardiovascular complication by 27%. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
"It takes two years to learn to speak and sixty to learn to keep quiet."
- Ernest Hemingway
There was a man who travelled all around the world.
Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her.? On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages.? He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.? A few days later he called his mother.
"Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.
"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."
"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it!? That parrot wasn't for you to eat!? It spoke thirty languages!"
The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"
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Lesson in Teamwork:? Buddy the Blind Horse
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."
- Hebrews 12:1
?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. |
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Tips for Sustainable New Year's Resolutions
- Reduce the amount of plastic bags you use. ...
- Eat as much organic as possible. ...
- Buy local and seasonal foods. ...
- Say NO to fast fashion. ...
- Bring your own water bottle and cutlery. ...
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you, I have contacts!
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An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old!"
The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said.
The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
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Thought Of The Day:??Before His Time
¡°No man goes before his time ¡ª unless the boss leaves early.¡± --?Groucho Marx
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Son to Dad: "What's the difference between an Egyptian mummy and our mummy?"
Dad to Son: It's simple son. When we see an Egyptian mummy, you get fear. But when we see your mummy, then I get fear!"
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A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.
"How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked the jumpmaster.
"Well, sir," one trainee explained, "We've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before."
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Thought Of The Day:??Nothing to Declare
¡°I have nothing to declare except my genius.¡±?- Oscar Wilde
Received from aJokeADay.com
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Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person.
"However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"
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Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
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Heard at the bookstore: "Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."
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"Good times, bad times, there will always be advertising. In good times people want to advertise; in bad times they have to." -- Bruce Barton
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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On July 3rd, 1974, Rodney Dangerfield made an appearance on the Tonight Show and had fellow guest, Dom DeLuise, laughing the entire time.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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When Life Tests You: Growth, Character, and Hope? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Direct link:?
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DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I found out my husband has been cheating on me with multiple women for more than a decade and kept two of his conquests for that entire time. He also sent all our savings to his girlfriends in another country. Because we have two disabled adult children and one neurotypical adult child, I decided to stay in the marriage. A year later, I'm still struggling. In fact, I feel worse. I barely sleep and have developed severe anxiety. I have no one to talk to about this because I'm embarrassed and humiliated by what he's done to our family. To shield my children, since they would suffer needlessly if they knew about his infidelity, I put on a facade and pretend everything is OK. I am desperate for sleep, but all I do is cry and wander around my house at night. My husband places all the blame on me, which leaves me feeling so betrayed and hurt that I don't know what to do. What are the steps I need to take to put this behind me and move forward without having to replay it in my head all the time? -- ROCKED WORLD IN CALIFORNIA DEAR ROCKED WORLD: Your first step should be to speak to your physician about what has been going on, and then to ask for a referral to a licensed mental health professional. It is important you have someone to talk to because remaining silent is making you sick. Speaking the truth will not reflect badly on you. Your children have nothing to gain by being kept in the dark. When your husband emptied your bank account, he was hurting them financially as well as you. Once you are emotionally stronger, consult a lawyer and take your cues from that person about how to protect yourself and your children. DEAR ABBY: My mom and I have an extremely difficult relationship. She wants to treat me like a child, even though I'm 66. My husband and I do a lot of things for her and her husband, as they're in their mid-80s. Thanksgiving was a disaster, and we no longer want to spend any holidays with them. She asks everyone but me why I'm mad at her. When I tried to explain to her in a letter how her actions affect me, she got defensive and called it "hateful." I don't like confrontations. I'm like a deer in headlights and can't think of anything to say to her. How can I let her know we plan to spend our holidays alone now, without her feeling like we hate her? -- ALONE IN THE SOUTH DEAR ALONE: I see no reason to tell your mother you will spend no more holidays with her and her husband. If she asks, say you have made "other plans" and won't be available. If she accuses you of hating her or being mad at her, tell her for the reasons stated in your letter, it has become too stressful. If your mother complains to the rest of the relatives, as she probably will, explain your reasons for skipping the stress-filled holidays and tell them they can explain it to her because every time you have tried, she tunes you out. -----We've long known that high blood pressure increases the risk for heart attack and stroke. Now a study in the journal Neurology shows that if your hypertension is untreated, you also have a 36% greater risk of developing Alzheimer's. The good news is that eating two to four extra cups of fruits and vegetables daily lowers blood pressure while improving heart and kidney health.? |
Daily Clean Jokes for January 5, 2024? ? ? ?
Kirk's Limerick
As a chimney sweep, I came to rue
Getting sick all the time and I knew
????????????From a company post
????????????On the Web, that the most
Common ailment was?simply?the?flue.
?
Lee, Bill, Jim, Chris got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.
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What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner.
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What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
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Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
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What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? "Brothers and sisters, let us spray."
Received from Kirk Miller.
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Two elderly gentlemen in their mid-80s meet in the lobby of their apartment building. Both being hard of hearing, one asked the other in a louder voice, "Are you going to the market?"
The other one replies, "No, no. I am going to the market."
The first gentleman says, "Oh, I thought you were going to the market."
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In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O¡¯Neill said, ¡°Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.¡±
Paul replied, ¡°Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.¡±
¡°Thank you, Paul,¡± responded Mrs. O¡¯Neill, ¡°but what is the object?¡±
¡°To get the best mark possible,¡± said Paul.
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Thought Of The Day:??A Good Place
¡°A dead end is just a good place to turn around.¡± -- Naomi Judd
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A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"
His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
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A starving artist was discussing his recent painting for a local museum.
"Was it hung?"
"Yes, near the entrance where everyone could see it."
"Congratulations! What was it?"
"A board saying, 'Keep to the left' ..."
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Thought Of The Day:??Words of Wisdom
"Even a fish will keep out of trouble if it keeps its mouth shut."
Received from aJokeADay.
Grammar Lesson Misc Jokes
In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O¡¯Neill said, ¡°Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.¡± ?
Paul replied, ¡°Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.¡± ?
¡°Thank you, Paul,¡± responded Mrs. O¡¯Neill, ¡°but what is the object?¡± ?
¡°To get the best mark possible,¡± said Paul.
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.?
"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."
Q: How do you know a kid who's watches too much TV?
A: You ask a five-year-old what sound a duck makes, and his answered "AFLAC!"
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A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."
Right away, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"I don¡¯t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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For the Kids
What's black and white all over and difficult?
An exam paper!
Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!?
The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon.
How many galleons did the get to the mile!
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights!
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Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish and...."
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The Rules of Chocolate
- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
- Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
- The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
- Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.?
- If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
- If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
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Jar 47
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home .... very mad.?
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's ......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!
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No Pets Allowed
Two buddies were out one Saturday, walking their dogs. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."?
The bouncer let him in.
His buddy with the Chihuahua put on his pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man exclaimed, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
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More Stuff from ArcaMax.com
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Darren Criss and Helen J Shen talk about their Broadway musical Maybe Happy Ending, discuss Helen's dad icing her out after seeing the show for the first time and explain how a plant has become the main character of the show.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband took me on a trip for my birthday this year, only he didn't prepare for anything other than some sightseeing events. He didn't help plan for camping, didn't financially plan well for souvenirs or if we wanted to eat out, and had a crappy attitude the entire time. We got into an argument at almost every event we went to because he either disagreed with my preferences or pushed back at my calling him out for pouting.
I'm upset because this was supposed to have been a "makeup" trip from him for ruining my birthday years prior, and for pretty awful fights we were having leading up to my birthday. I had tried to back out, but he convinced me to go. My actual birthday was the day after we got home. He ignored me the entire day, and we got into another argument. We had a few friends over, but overall, I was pretty upset and felt unloved by him.
When I addressed it the next day, he told me no one should get a "birthday week" and called me ungrateful and unappreciative of his efforts. Am I wrong for being upset? This was supposed to be his birthday gift to me, but it felt more like I took him on a trip he didn't even want to be on. -- BIRTHDAY GIRL IN MICHIGAN
DEAR GIRL: It is possible your expectations surrounding your birthdays may be, in your husband's opinion, grandiose. Have you two been arguing about more subjects than birthday celebrations, and if so, for how long?
Speaking safely from the sidelines in order to avoid the crossfire, I suggest you ask your doctor (or health insurance company) to recommend some licensed marriage and family counselors. There are healthier ways to manage conflict in relationships than the way you two are doing it.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my daughter-in-law. I know she loves me, but I don't think she likes me. An example: Yesterday, I met her and my son at my granddaughter's dance recital. When I entered and sat down next to them, she barely looked up from her phone, yet when another mother arrived, she leapt up and chatted for minutes.
This kind of thing happens often. When we are alone together, she chats with me, but if someone else is in the group, it's like I'm not even there. I have no other complaints about her. She is a terrific mom and partner to my son. Should I talk to her about this? How do I bring it up without making her defensive? -- IGNORED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR IGNORED: I don't doubt that your daughter-in-law loves you. However, she may be so comfortable around you that she's treating you like family ... in other words, taking you for granted. She jumps up when she sees her contemporaries because she doesn't see them as often as she sees you, and they may have fresh news to talk about. Be grateful that when you are alone you communicate well. I don't think there is anything positive to be gained by approaching her with this.
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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?25,000 Words? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Direct link:?-----
? ? ? ? ? ?Men and Women Should Be Equal? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Direct link:?
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I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
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Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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How do you change tires on a duck?
?? ?With a quackerjack
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What is a mouse's favorite game?
?? ?Hide and Squeak
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Who ever invented the ¡°Knock-Knock jokes¡± should get a No-bell prize
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"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
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Newborn Starting To Suspect There's No Milk In This Pacifier
Local newborn Sebastian Weaver III is starting to suspect this blue nipple he's been furiously sucking on for 3 hours might not contain any milk.
"Yeah, something feels off here," said Weaver, according to sources within the baby community. "If I didn't know better, I'd say this whole thing might be a ruse to keep me quiet, and not a source of delicious milk after all. But that's crazy. What kind of a sick person would do that?"
According to experts, the conspiracy theory that pacifiers, also known as "binkies," are not real nipples, contain no nourishing milk, and are actually a cruel joke played on children by their parents, has been growing among children between the ages of 0 and 2. "I'd prefer to believe my parents would never do something like that to me," said Weaver, "but I've been nursing on this thing all afternoon and I'm getting absolutely nothing here. There might be something to the rumors."
Sources also report that Weaver's father made several desperate attempts to keep the pacifier in their son's mouth as he had begun to lose interest, including tapping on it, wiggling it around, and taping it to his head with duct tape.
At publishing time, the child had also begun to suspect that his parents may not actually be disappearing into another dimension when they play Peek-A-Boo with him.
Received from Babylon Bee via Kirk Miller.
What do you call a person that is Happy on Monday?
RETIRED!
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom. ¡°Tom what¡¯s going on?¡± Mark asked.
¡°It¡¯s my wife Beckie,¡± Tom replied. ¡°She ran off with my best friend!¡±
¡°Hey wait a second!" said Mark. ¡°Aren¡¯t I your best friend?¡±
¡°Not any more,¡± Tom said with a happy smile. ¡°He is!¡±
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Thought Of The Day:??What You Have In Life
"If you look at what you have in life, you'll always have more. If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough."
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Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die.
Shows how toxic the media is.
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Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center, I rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
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Thought Of The Day:??Stupidity Is the Answer
¡°If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can¡¯t it get us out?¡± -- Will Rogers
Received from aJokeADay.
This morning I was walking down the street and I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet, and then a French horn!
I think it was an orchestrated attack.
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1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
9. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
10. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
11. Eye Drops Off Shelf
12. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
13. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
14. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
15. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
16. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
17. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
18. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
19. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
20. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
21. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
22. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
23. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
24. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
25. War Dims Hope For Peace
26. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
27. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
28. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
29. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
30. Deer Kill 17,000
31. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
32. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
33. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
34. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
35. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
36. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
37. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
38. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
39. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
40. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
41. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
42. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
43. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
44. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
45. Air Head Fired
46. Steals Clock, Faces Time
47. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
48. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
49. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
50. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
51. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
52. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
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The Cowboy
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered.
"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"?
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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Love the Winners
My father is an avid fan of a nearby university's football team. During a recent season, his team got off to a poor start, and almost every Saturday afternoon Dad sat ranting at the TV screen. One day, after loud shouts of disgust, silence fell.?
Puzzled, my mother went into the living room to find him quietly watching a World War II movie. "I just switched over to something that I knew we would win!" Dad explained
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Draftee Exam
A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.
Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers.?
"Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked.?
"No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel."
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No Tail Light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.?
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Cookie Monster is a Muppet of few -- mostly cookie-related -- words. But the furry blue monster goes deep with profound thoughts about food.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Meltdown at the Airport
by Brian R. King
Illinois, USA
I am an adult with autism, and my consulting work requires a lot of out-of-state airline travel. Airports and air travel are very overwhelming for me. One day this October I woke at 4:30 a.m. to travel out of state, traveling and working until 10:30 p.m. that night.
The next day, after a two-hour wait at a layover airport, my flight home was canceled 20 minutes before boarding. I called customer service, and when I reached someone I was told to go to the customer service desk.
The line was at least 100 people deep and not moving. Then they announced that there were no more flights that night; we¡¯d have to stay overnight after booking another flight. I began to shake and my eyes began to tear up as I contemplated standing in this 100-person line for a prolonged time.
Due to my autism, I was overloaded and beginning to shut down, which made it hard to think and hard to speak.
I called my wife Cathy for help. She heard how much difficulty I was?having even thinking. She remained calm and guided me step by step.
Cathy told me to look for a person who transports special needs people around the airport. I found someone and said, ¡°I have autism. They canceled my flight and don¡¯t have any more flights and I need to get home.¡±
The woman, Shawn, gently took my bags, told me to sit down in her?tramcar, and said she knew someone who could help.
Shawn drove me to another part of the airport, then left me briefly?to talk to someone about helping me. My wife kept talking to me the?whole time. Shawn came back with a gentleman, Dale, who held a?boarding pass with my name on it for a flight an hour and a half?after my original flight.
I am grateful and humbled to my core by how generously and tenderly I was taken care of by my soul mate and two strangers that day.?Thank you?doesn¡¯t even describe it but I¡¯ll say it. Thank you, Shawn and Dale at the Philadelphia Airport; you did your employer, U.S. Airways, a tremendous honor by how you conducted yourselves.
There is absolutely no value in going through your life stubbornly refusing to ask others for help. I was seconds away from a full-blown meltdown at the airport when I called my wife Cathy, who helped me find Shawn. Shawn led me to her supervisor, Dale, who found a seat for me.
Needing other people isn¡¯t a sign of weakness. It never was and it never will be. It is, and always will be, the precious gift of service that human beings give to each other.
Meltdown at the Airport
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By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D.
Millions of people have taken or are using one of nine approved weight-loss medications. But there's still a lot of confusion about their safety and potential side effects. So, Mayo Clinic researchers decided to take a look at data on the benefits and risks of three of them: liraglutide (Saxenda), semaglutide (Wegovy), and tirzepatide (Zepbound). They reviewed available data and found that Zepbound (approved and available for the past 18 months) resulted in a mean weight loss of 18% of users'...
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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Good Thorns? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Direct link:?
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DEAR ABBY: I think the world of "Celia," my best friend of 25 years. She has been there for me through many major ups and downs in my life. She is beautiful inside and out, well-educated and works hard. Celia has been in a five-year relationship with an old friend I'll call "Vince." I think he is a nice guy, but not for her. He has no desire to do better in life, doesn't provide for her and lives off her money. Vince barely works, and his time is spent out and about enjoying himself while Celia works two, sometimes three, jobs. Now Celia's physical health is suffering, and so is her mental health. Vince has a kid who sometimes stays over, and when they run out of money, Celia asks me to help cover them. She sees nothing wrong in this and wants to have a child of her own with him. I have had many talks with Celia, but they go nowhere. I've helped with money a few times and she always pays me back. But recently, after she asked me for money for food for the three of them, I learned they went to the movies instead. Now I feel used. This is just not OK. I no longer want to give her money to cover a grown man's responsibility. I'm not sure how to tell her I can no longer help out with money. -- STRAINED FRIENDSHIP DEAR STRAINED: Celia may be well-educated, but it appears she has serious self-esteem issues, little common sense and a parasite for a boyfriend. That she would consider having a child with Vince, a man who can't support himself or the child he already has, is coconuts! Tell your beautiful friend that while you care for her, you will no longer subsidize the three of them, and using your money to pay for movie tickets was the last straw. Then don't relent. DEAR ABBY: I taught tennis lessons at a private club for 41 years. Then came the pandemic. I was furloughed and not asked to return to work. I wasn't given the usual parting acknowledgement that previous employees received -- no goodbyes, no thank yous. In the successive years, I have asked for a free membership as a gift for my years of service. So far, the answer is "no." Is my request valid? Should I continue asking? -- SERVING FAIRNESS IN ILLINOIS DEAR SERVING: You didn't mention how many times you have asked for the membership as a gift for your years of service, but if it has been more than once, stop asking because it isn't going to happen. A furlough is defined as a temporary layoff for a specified period of time. Employees retain their jobs and benefits but do not get paid during that period. If this is what your separation from that private club was called, it may be time to speak to an attorney about how you were treated. |
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Who said, "Resolutions are crazy,
? ? ? ?The New Year is boring
? ? ? ?So I'll keep on snoring,
Because I'm essentially lazy."
'cause my boyfriend's starting to berate
? ? ? ?he says I'm too shoddy
? ? ? ?for his "sweet muscled body"
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What's a spider's New Year's resolution???To spend less time on the web.
What does a ghost say on January 1st???Happy Boo Year!
What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year¡¯s Eve???Hogs and kisses.
Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year's resolutions ...??tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf.
Knock knock. Who¡¯s there? Radio. Radio who???Radio not, it¡¯s a new year.
How can you keep a New Year's resolution to read more while never opening a book???Watch TV with subtitles.
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Why is the nose in the middle of your face?
Because it is the scenter!
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A professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded.
"Professors haven't got bad memory," he declared. "They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was today? Would somebody like to ask me another question?"
"Yes," said another guest. "Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memory?"
"Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question."
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Thought Of The Day:??A Succession of Lessons
¡°Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.¡± -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Little Henry sits at the dinner table. He reaches for his plate, picks up a chicken leg, and starts to eat. His mother says, "Henry did you wash your hands?"
Henry replies, "No! I don¡¯t want my chicken to taste like soap, mom!"
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What do you call a Magician without magic?
Ian.
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Thought Of The Day:??Why Call It Rush Hour
¡°Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?¡± -- Robin Williams
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I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.
He asked which companies?
I told him gas, electric, and cable.
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Do I want a beer?
A) Yes
B) A
C) B
D) All of the above
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Thought Of The Day:
Have You Ever Noticed
¡°Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?¡±?-- George Carlin
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I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
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A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu. ¡°I¡¯d like one under cooked egg so that it¡¯s running, and one over cooked egg that it¡¯s tough and hard to eat. I¡¯d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it¡¯s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.¡±
"That¡¯s a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. ¡°It might be quite difficult.¡±
The guest replied sarcastically, ¡°It can¡¯t be that difficult because that¡¯s exactly what you brought me yesterday.¡±
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Thought Of The Day:??If You Die In An Elevator
¡°If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.¡± -- Sam Levenson
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Do you know why potatoes are never single in a bag?
Because they have a lot of buds.
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As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."
"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly.
"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."
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Thought Of The Day:??It's Not A Bad Profession
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." -- Ronald Reagan
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I went to the library the other day and found a book titled "How to Hug".
Wanting to learn the secrets of intimacy I quickly grabbed the book and headed to the checkout counter.
The librarian was polite but said I couldn't check out the book because it was the seventh volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.
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On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum."
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Thought Of The Day:??Be Yourself
"Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." --?Oscar Wilde
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I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic.
I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly.
"In some countries, they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here, we drive in the shade."
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A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
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Thought Of The Day:??The Only True Wisdom
¡°The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.¡± -- Socrates
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First Assistant: "So what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that everything fits?"
Person who invented the first public bathroom stall: "Ah, don't worry about that. Can't stress enough how unimportant that part is."
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Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news.
Susan: "My husband was named 'Man of the Year'!"
Martha: "Well, that shows you what kind of a year it¡¯s been."
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Thought Of The Day:??Allow Your Dreams to Lead
¡°Allow your dreams to lead you rather than allowing your problems to push you.¡± -- Okorote Emmanuel, Don¡¯t Take Care; Take The Chance!
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"
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¡°That¡¯s a great place to work!¡± shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day of his first job.
¡°I get two weeks paid vacation.¡±
¡°I¡¯m so glad,¡± said my mother.
¡°Yeah,¡± added John. ¡°I can¡¯t wait to find out where they send me.
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Thought Of The Day:??Causing Happiness
¡°Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.¡±?- Anonymous
Received from aJokeADay.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered.
"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"?
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.
Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers.?
"Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked. "No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel."
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.?
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Cookie Monster is a Muppet of few -- mostly cookie-related -- words. But the furry blue monster goes deep with profound thoughts about food.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: My best friend of 60 years lost her husband 13 years ago. She has one son, who is successful and busy with his young family. They try to include her in various family gatherings, but she always has an excuse as to why she can't attend -- she doesn't drive at night, doesn't like their friends, etc. The truth is, she starts drinking at 2 p.m., and by 4 p.m. she starts sending me rude, hurtful text messages. I have tried ignoring them, not responding, turning off my phone, etc. I know she's lonely, but she blames everything on everyone else and takes no responsibility for her own actions. I love her but I can't take it anymore. I have talked to her about this, and she just laughs. Then that same afternoon, after a few glasses of wine, she throws it back in my face. Please advise.?-- OVER IT IN ARIZONA DEAR OVER IT:?By now you should have realized that as much as you would like to, you can't fix what's wrong with your "best friend." Only she can do that by finally admitting she has become an alcoholic and resolving to do something about it. The longer you tolerate her abuse, the longer she'll keep abusing you and herself. Tell her once and for all that you will no longer allow her to hurt you, and until she demonstrates that she's dealing with her alcohol problem, you want nothing more to do with her. Then step back and block her calls and any other communication. Friends don't treat their best friends the way you are being treated, and you do not have to tolerate it. DEAR ABBY: I love cats and dogs. We have one of each. Both are indoor pets. My problem is my wife and daughter have filled our home with cat and dog paraphernalia of all shapes and sizes. There are seven dog and cat beds in the master bedroom, five in the spare bedroom, four in our daughter's bedroom, three in the living room and one in the kitchen (because our cat supposedly likes to watch my wife cook). There are also cat trees scattered about, a four-story cat cage, and cat and dog toys strewn across the floors. There are packets of cat and dog treats everywhere. I just love stepping on them while barefoot at night. Am I unreasonable to suggest that our cat and dog need not be treated like royalty? I suspect they'd be just fine with one bed each -- you know, like us humans.?-- OVERRULED IN CALIFORNIA DEAR OVERRULED:?It appears your wife and daughter have gone overboard trying to ensure that the furry family members are comfortable. A compromise is definitely in order, particularly regarding areas that YOU spend the most time in -- like your bedroom, living room and kitchen. It would also be considerate if someone made sure the floors are cleared of toys and treats before bedtime so you won't be injured on your way to the bathroom. |
I decided that I would go scout
For some gold, but I failed and did pout.
????????????Started out with much hope.
????????????At the end I did mope.
And the reason: It?didn't?pan?out.
?
Grover, Conrad, Chris, Jim got it.
?
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.My wife says that I volunteer too much at non-profit organizations.??When we were sitting at a recent meeting, someone asked for volunteers for a project.??My wife bumped me with her knee, signaling me not to say Yes.??After the meeting, a friend asked why my wife did that, and I explained that she does it on a kneed to No basis. -- Kirk Miller
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Is a church that advertises its confessional services an ad mission of guilt?
?
I had to go to the dentist, but my regular guy?was away, so my cavity had to be taken care of by someone who was filling in.??The appointment was at tooth hurtie.??He started to get on my nerves.??But I had to be kind to him because he has fillings too.??He definitely had his own flossify on how to fix teeth.??In the end, it was a very full filling trip.
?
Two parts of the eye were discussing who told better puns.??Their debate raged on, until one said to the other, "You are simply the pupil.??I am by far the cornea of the two of us."
?
I asked the electrician to change the circuit breaker, but he refused.
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HAPPY HOLIDAYS
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2025, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, sexual preference, or amount of non-patent prior art searching of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
Received from Kirk Miller.
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q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand."
--Kurt Vonnegut
"Reality is something you rise above."
--Liza Minnelli
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."
--John F. Kennedy
? ? ? ? ? ?*-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?A: Only half way.
Q: Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?
A: Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.
A: A squash.
Q: What tree is karate champion?
A: Spruce Lee.
A: Their yammies.
Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?
A: Buy a deck of cards.
***"A new survey found that a growing number of millennials want to work from home and get more time off. They would have said more, but they had to pick up their gold star for participating in that survey." -Jimmy Fallon
***After a long day of shopping, my daughter and I stopped at a grocery store. I ran in to pick up a few things, leaving her in the car. As I approached the checkout I was surprised to see my daughter there waiting for me.
"Honey," I said, "what are you doing in here? I left the motor running."
"It's all right, Mom," she replied reassuringly. "I locked the doors."
She shot back defiantly, "20/20!"
*-- New Years Resolutions for Pets --*
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
*-- I Think I'm A Dog --*
Patient: "Doctor, Doctor, I think I am a dog."Doctor: "Lie down on the couch."
Patient: "I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture."
*-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: What does a pessimistic Rooster say?
A: Cock-a-doodle-don't.
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.
Later he came home with the pizza and the coupon.
When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."
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Judge asks the defendant, ¡°Why did you steal that car, Mr. Jones?¡±
Mr. Jones looks down, ¡°I just had to get to work for an important meeting.¡±
The judge keeps asking, ¡°Well why didn¡¯t you take a bus?¡±
Mr. Jones looks up, surprised, ¡°Don¡¯t you need a special license to drive the bus?¡±
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Thought Of The Day:??Perfection
"Only in Grammar can you be more than perfect." -- William Safire?
A girl asks a boy, "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, ¡°But it¡¯s morning, there are no stars?¡±
Boy nods, "Exactly."
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Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've been to the dentist."
"You should have used the drive-through," she said.
"Why?"
"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.
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Thought Of The Day:??Choose Your Circle Wisely
"Choose your circle wisely. Your network determines your net worth."
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
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Quick Quotes
"Today President Bush had a meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. The meeting had two translators, and they still had a rough time. Mainly trying to figure out the translation for "okie dokie." -- Conan O'Brien
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"According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to live a healthier lifestyle." --Jay Leno
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"Running...people think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run...you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?" --George Carlin
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Already Prepared!? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Direct link:?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Do What You Do Good!? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Direct link:?
A stenographer job demanded
Skills she had, but the gal was stranded
????????????Without getting a job,
????????????And to me she did sob.
She was told that they?weren't?short-handed.
?
Carol, Conrad, Chris, Jim?got it.
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"
?
What's the definition of a will?
????It's a dead giveaway.
?
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
????A flat miner
?
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
?
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
?
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
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U.S. ¡ª FBI Director Christopher Wray sought to reassure Americans that the drones being spotted over New Jersey were simply from the United States government spying on its own citizens.
While theories mounted that the drones could be Iranian or even extra-terrestrial in origin, Wray assured the nation that they represented nothing more nefarious than the FBI secretly watching and recording American citizens.
"There is no cause for alarm," said Wray. "These are nothing but harmless cameras and microphones hovering in the sky, recording everything you do and transmitting it to the FBI and CIA. Please, do not attempt to shoot them down. Also, if everyone could leave their curtains and blinds open, that would be super helpful."
Residents of New Jersey welcomed the news, grateful to know they were merely having all of their movements tracked by their own government. "What a relief," said local woman Abigail Montero. "We were starting to really worry what was happening. Now, I can calm my kids down by telling them that all the bright lights hovering in the sky are just government spy drones watching them sleep."
At publishing time, Wray had assured Americans that any drones seen landing in neighborhoods were only directing FBI teams as to where to arrest people for thought crimes.
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Received with thanks from Kirk Miller.
After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket He is approached by the game warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
Received from Pearly Gates.
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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? Part I
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?
DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb.
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.
POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.
PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
or...
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee -- and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself -- you didn't have to do that -- but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that."
AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb??
CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shibas aren't afraid of the dark!
SCHIPPERKE: It's your light bulb -- change it yourself. Unless... Is there food involved??
POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.
BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?
WEIMARANER: What?? Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB?
LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.
BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don't change no stinking light bulbs!
MALAMUTE: Let *him* do it. You can pet me while he's busy.
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Things to Do at Walmart
...while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:
-- Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
-- Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,'Code 3' in house wares ..... and see what happens.
-- Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M and M's on layaway.
-- Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
-- When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'?
-- While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
-- Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
-- In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
-- Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
-- When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
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I Just Needed to Use Your Car, Dear
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."?
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
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What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee?
In prison you get free health care.
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I took four tires to a friend¡¯s garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept $20 each," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Twenty dollars each."
"Who bought them?"
"I did!"
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Thought Of The Day:??If At First You Don't Succeed
¡°If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.¡±?¨D Steven Wright
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I know I need to build up my fitness with exercise and good health...
But at the same time my body is telling me no whey!
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Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."
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Thought Of The Day:??Do It Out of Love
¡°Work out because you love your body, not because you hate it.¡±?- Sudeep Kumar
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DEAR ABBY: For the third time in my life, I am being shunned by long-term friends. Over the years, I have expended a great deal of time and effort to stay in touch with them. Back when we lived in the same places, we were very close. Ultimately, I moved away but always stayed in touch. These friendships have spanned decades and, since we rarely see each other, I can't understand what might have happened to precipitate this. I know everyone has issues, but they no longer respond, and I'm extremely hurt by it. It takes only seconds to acknowledge a text or email. Certainly, I'd be there for them in any way I could if they were having difficulties. I'd like to tell them off, but I know it would resolve nothing, although it might be nice to get it off my chest. I'm finding it hard to let this go. What do you think I might do? It's hard to believe they could be so callous. -- LET DOWN IN FLORIDA DEAR LET DOWN: Friendships don't always last forever. Sometimes ties that bind people together start to fray. Geographical distance only adds to that. If I thought telling these people off would accomplish anything positive, I would say go ahead and do it, but it won't. It would only justify the reason (if there even IS a reason) why they have moved on. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself now is accept that what you had in the past no longer exists and concentrate on cultivating relationships closer to home with people who want to be friends with you. DEAR ABBY: As a 70-year-old who devoted her nursing career to improving care for older adults, I know what good care looks like. I've seen it and provided it. Good care is when "what matters most" to patients drives the entire treatment plan. It's age-friendly care that is informed by the medications we take, how easily we move, our mood and memory and our goals and preferences. Unfortunately, we're not getting good care as often as we should. A poll my organization conducted with Age Wave found that only 11% of older adults give the U.S. health care system a top grade. The survey also shows we value life in our years, not just years in our life. It highlights a disconnect between the care older adults want and what they receive. The gaps are most pronounced for people of color, women and those who live in rural areas. Readers can learn about the care we want, deserve and can achieve at . It's time to transform health care for older adults. I'm optimistic we can do it together. -- TERRY FULMER, PRESIDENT, THE JOHN A. HARTFORD FOUNDATION DEAR TERRY: Thank you for writing. I am impressed at how well-funded and prudently managed your organization seems to be. Readers, in 2023, this organization gave out $28 million in grants and another $2 million for research. Their grantees included a wide range of think tanks, advocacy groups, hospital systems and medical associations. If you are looking for an opportunity to get involved, visit the website Dr. Fulmer mentioned in her letter. If we want better care for older adults, we should all look into what it entails and how to see that we get it. P.S. I am not affiliated with Dr. Fulmer's organization, or any organization mentioned in my column. |