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What's a spider's New Year's resolution???To spend less time on the web.

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Why is the nose in the middle of your face?

Because it is the scenter!

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A professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded.

"Professors haven't got bad memory," he declared. "They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was today? Would somebody like to ask me another question?"

"Yes," said another guest. "Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memory?"

"Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question."

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Thought Of The Day:??A Succession of Lessons

“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Little Henry sits at the dinner table. He reaches for his plate, picks up a chicken leg, and starts to eat. His mother says, "Henry did you wash your hands?"

Henry replies, "No! I don’t want my chicken to taste like soap, mom!"

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What do you call a Magician without magic?

Ian.

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Thought Of The Day:??Why Call It Rush Hour

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” -- Robin Williams

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I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.

He asked which companies?

I told him gas, electric, and cable.

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Do I want a beer?

A) Yes

B) A

C) B

D) All of the above

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Thought Of The Day:

Have You Ever Noticed

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”?-- George Carlin

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I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

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A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu. “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.”

"That’s a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.”

The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday.”

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Thought Of The Day:??If You Die In An Elevator

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” -- Sam Levenson

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Do you know why potatoes are never single in a bag?

Because they have a lot of buds.

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As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly.

"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."

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Thought Of The Day:??It's Not A Bad Profession

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." -- Ronald Reagan

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I went to the library the other day and found a book titled "How to Hug".

Wanting to learn the secrets of intimacy I quickly grabbed the book and headed to the checkout counter.

The librarian was polite but said I couldn't check out the book because it was the seventh volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.

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On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum."

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Thought Of The Day:??Be Yourself

"Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." --?Oscar Wilde

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I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic.

I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly.

"In some countries, they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here, we drive in the shade."

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A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

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Thought Of The Day:??The Only True Wisdom

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” -- Socrates

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First Assistant: "So what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that everything fits?"

Person who invented the first public bathroom stall: "Ah, don't worry about that. Can't stress enough how unimportant that part is."

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Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news.

Susan: "My husband was named 'Man of the Year'!"

Martha: "Well, that shows you what kind of a year it’s been."

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Thought Of The Day:??Allow Your Dreams to Lead

“Allow your dreams to lead you rather than allowing your problems to push you.” -- Okorote Emmanuel, Don’t Take Care; Take The Chance!

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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

"BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"

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“That’s a great place to work!” shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day of his first job.

“I get two weeks paid vacation.”

“I’m so glad,” said my mother.

“Yeah,” added John. “I can’t wait to find out where they send me.

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Thought Of The Day:??Causing Happiness

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”?- Anonymous

Received from aJokeADay.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"?

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.

Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers.?

"Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked. "No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel."

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.?

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

Cookie Monster is a Muppet of few -- mostly cookie-related -- words. But the furry blue monster goes deep with profound thoughts about food.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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