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Daily Clean Jokes for January 6, 2024

 

Daily Clean Jokes for January 6, 2024? ??


Today's One-Liner? ??

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream.? ? ?

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Quote of the Day

"It takes two years to learn to speak and sixty to learn to keep quiet."

- Ernest Hemingway

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For All Comrades

Puns about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
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Gift Parrot

There was a man who travelled all around the world.

Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her.? On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages.? He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.? A few days later he called his mother.

"Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.

"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."

"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it!? That parrot wasn't for you to eat!? It spoke thirty languages!"

The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"

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Lesson in Teamwork:? Buddy the Blind Horse

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."
- Hebrews 12:1

?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


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Tips for Sustainable New Year's Resolutions

  1. Reduce the amount of plastic bags you use. ...
  2. Eat as much organic as possible. ...
  3. Buy local and seasonal foods. ...
  4. Say NO to fast fashion. ...
  5. Bring your own water bottle and cutlery. ...
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To the person who stole my glasses...


I will find you, I have contacts!

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An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old!"

The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said.

The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."

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Thought Of The Day:??Before His Time

¡°No man goes before his time ¡ª unless the boss leaves early.¡± --?Groucho Marx

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Son to Dad: "What's the difference between an Egyptian mummy and our mummy?"

Dad to Son: It's simple son. When we see an Egyptian mummy, you get fear. But when we see your mummy, then I get fear!"

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A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.

"How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked the jumpmaster.

"Well, sir," one trainee explained, "We've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before."

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Thought Of The Day:??Nothing to Declare

¡°I have nothing to declare except my genius.¡±?- Oscar Wilde

Received from aJokeADay.com

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Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person.

"However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."

From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"

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Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

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Heard at the bookstore: "Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."


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"Good times, bad times, there will always be advertising. In good times people want to advertise; in bad times they have to." -- Bruce Barton

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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  • On July 3rd, 1974, Rodney Dangerfield made an appearance on the Tonight Show and had fellow guest, Dom DeLuise, laughing the entire time.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


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When Life Tests You: Growth, Character, and Hope
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Direct link:?


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DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I found out my husband has been cheating on me with multiple women for more than a decade and kept two of his conquests for that entire time. He also sent all our savings to his girlfriends in another country. Because we have two disabled adult children and one neurotypical adult child, I decided to stay in the marriage.

A year later, I'm still struggling. In fact, I feel worse. I barely sleep and have developed severe anxiety. I have no one to talk to about this because I'm embarrassed and humiliated by what he's done to our family. To shield my children, since they would suffer needlessly if they knew about his infidelity, I put on a facade and pretend everything is OK.

I am desperate for sleep, but all I do is cry and wander around my house at night. My husband places all the blame on me, which leaves me feeling so betrayed and hurt that I don't know what to do. What are the steps I need to take to put this behind me and move forward without having to replay it in my head all the time? -- ROCKED WORLD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ROCKED WORLD: Your first step should be to speak to your physician about what has been going on, and then to ask for a referral to a licensed mental health professional. It is important you have someone to talk to because remaining silent is making you sick.

Speaking the truth will not reflect badly on you. Your children have nothing to gain by being kept in the dark. When your husband emptied your bank account, he was hurting them financially as well as you. Once you are emotionally stronger, consult a lawyer and take your cues from that person about how to protect yourself and your children.


DEAR ABBY: My mom and I have an extremely difficult relationship. She wants to treat me like a child, even though I'm 66. My husband and I do a lot of things for her and her husband, as they're in their mid-80s.

Thanksgiving was a disaster, and we no longer want to spend any holidays with them. She asks everyone but me why I'm mad at her. When I tried to explain to her in a letter how her actions affect me, she got defensive and called it "hateful." I don't like confrontations. I'm like a deer in headlights and can't think of anything to say to her. How can I let her know we plan to spend our holidays alone now, without her feeling like we hate her? -- ALONE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ALONE: I see no reason to tell your mother you will spend no more holidays with her and her husband. If she asks, say you have made "other plans" and won't be available. If she accuses you of hating her or being mad at her, tell her for the reasons stated in your letter, it has become too stressful.

If your mother complains to the rest of the relatives, as she probably will, explain your reasons for skipping the stress-filled holidays and tell them they can explain it to her because every time you have tried, she tunes you out.

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We've long known that high blood pressure increases the risk for heart attack and stroke. Now a study in the journal Neurology shows that if your hypertension is untreated, you also have a 36% greater risk of developing Alzheimer's. The good news is that eating two to four extra cups of fruits and vegetables daily lowers blood pressure while improving heart and kidney health.?
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