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Daily Clean Jokes for March 26, 2025
Daily Clean Jokes for March 26, 2025? ? ?? Kirk's Clean Limerick of the Day? ? ? Long term contracts the wait staff condemn. The café makes them sign, so mayhem ????????????They do hope to avoid ????????????And they won't be annoyed, 'Cause the waiters will not?dessert?them. ? Carol got it. ? Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. ?? -----? ? ? ? Kirk Miller ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:?We could certainly slow the aging process down if it?had to work its way through Congress.?-- Will Rogers ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ? ?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's Puns? ? ?I know a woman who owned a taser; man was she stunning. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?An Excuse Funny John goes to see his supervisor in the front office. ? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Terry Pratchett QuotesWhen you look into the abyss, it's not supposed to wave back. Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time. Divide by cucumber error. Please reinstall the universe and reboot. It doesn't stop being magic just because you know how it works. I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. In the beginning, there was nothing--which exploded. Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order because it is better organized. He's out of his depth on a wet pavement. Just because things are obvious doesn't mean they're true. Two types of people laugh at the law: those who break it and those who make it. It is often said that before you die, your life passes before your eyes. This is, in fact, true--it's called living. Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual. Adventure! People talk about the idea as if it were something worthwhile rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep, and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects into bits of you. There is always time for another last minute. Received from Wayne Onaka?via GCFL. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? On the Lighter Side? ? ? ?“Look, a flock of cows!!” “Herd of cows,” “Yeah, I have; there’s a flock of them over there.”? ----- A priest, an imam, and a rabbit are donating blood. The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo” ? Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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----- Thought Of The Day:??Be So Good “Be so good they can’t ignore you. ” -- Steve Martin Received from aJokeADay.com. ?? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Best of the Mouse Tracks ? ?My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door. ? "Hey dad," announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?" ? "No." ? "Come on, dad. You have to meet them!" ? "Some other time. I'm busy." ? "Dad, you have to meet them now!" ? From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there. ? "Where are they?" I asked. ? "Well, dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our football is in their living room!" ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me back aboard, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off." "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" "Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we was boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?" "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously." Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook..." ----- A school teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Darn if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, heck, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, heck, you darn well better admit it!" Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!? ----- There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day ... ... and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child. One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar. A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked. Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?" No more problem.?
----- Murphy's Law ... The Tech Version * All great discoveries are made by mistake. * Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. * Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. * All's well that ends. * A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. ?* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. * Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. * After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done. ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- Original Airdate: June 09, 1983 Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D. Did you know that nearly half of women ages 50 and older experience urine leakage occasionally and 51% of those 65 and older say they contend with urinary incontinence? Now, you may think childbirth, menopause and muscle weakness are to blame, and you may be right. But a new observational study of more than 1,000 women ages 47 to 55 reveals that dietary choices play a big part in urination problems. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:dailycleanjokes@groups.io ? Subscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+subscribe@groups.io ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+unsubscribe@groups.io ? Group Owner:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+owner@groups.io ? Help:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+help@groups.io ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 25 2025
Daily Clean Jokes for March 25, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Kirk's Clean Limericks? ? ? ?? ? Clumsy man had a bad transgression, And the source of his indiscretion ????????????Is he tripped and then fell ????????????In wet concrete.??I tell Folks the man?left?a?bad?impression. ? Carol, Conrad, Bill, Dickhead, Jim, Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller
?? -----? ? ? ? Kirk Miller ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? ? Today’s Clean Pun:??The concept of dividing the globe into longitudinal strips or bands to establish time zones, was first proposed by Sweden's Alex Andersrag. But few people today refer to these zones as Alex Andersrag Time Bands. ? ? Quote of the Day:? Heroes don't wear capes; heroes wear dog tags.? ? ? Today’s One-Liner:??The measure of success is not how much money you have in the bank, but rather how much money the bank will lend you. ? ? Daily Trivia ? Since today is Veteran's Day let's take a look at some interesting military facts.?
? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? A Paddy Funny Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". ? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ? ? Someone Who Understands ? Bob Weber, past president of Kiwanis International, told this story. He had spoken to a club in a small town and was spending the night with a farmer on the outskirts of the community. He had just relaxed on the front porch when a newsboy delivered the evening paper. The boy noted the sign "Puppies for Sale". ? The boy got off his bike and said to the farmer, "How much do you want for the pups, mister?" ? "Twenty-five dollars, son." ? The boy's face dropped. "Well, sir, could I at least see them anyway?" ? The farmer whistled, and in a moment the mother dog came bounding around the corner of the house tagged by four of the cute puppies, wagging their tails and yipping happily. At last, another pup came straggling around the house, dragging one hind leg. ? "What's the matter with that puppy, mister?" the boy asked. ? "Well, Son, that puppy is crippled. We took her to the vet and the doctor took an X ray. The pup doesn't have a hip joint and that leg will never be right." ? To the amazement of both men, the boy dropped the bike, reached for his collection bag and took out a fifty-cent piece. "Please, mister," the boy pleaded, "I want to buy that pup. I'll pay you fifty cents every week until the twenty-five dollars is paid. Honest I will, mister." ? The farmer replied, "But, Son, you don't seem to understand. That pup will never, never be able to run or jump. That pup is going to be a cripple forever. Why in the world would you want such a useless pup as that?" ? The boy paused for a moment, then reached down and pulled up his pant leg, exposing that all too familiar iron brace and leather knee-strap holding a poor twisted leg. The boy answered, "Mister, that pup is going to need someone who understands him to help him in life!" ? Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. ? ____________________________________________________________ ? ? Quick?Jokes ? Our 4-year-old daughter's surgery was scheduled for 11:30 a.m. We were becoming anxious as time passed and no one came to get her.? Finally at 12:30, the surgeon arrived at her room. Knowing my husband is a minister, the doctor asked us if many people were praying for this surgery.? Edgy from the delay, I said, "They were praying for you an hour ago." With a smile, he shot back, "Thanks. That surgery went very well." ? ----- ? Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."? The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"? After careful thought, Little Johnny said, "Actually, come to think of it, we went to Ohio." ? Received from Laugh& Lift ? ? The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"? The fellow thought for a moment and then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me live with her." ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks ? ? quotes.of.the.day ? "There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true."?-- Sir Winston Churchill? "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."?-- Mark Twain? "Recommend to your children virtue; that alone can make them happy, not gold."?-- Ludwig van Beethoven ? ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? ? b i t s . n . b o b s ? *-- Wacky 911 Calls --* ? * A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.? * A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Seitzerland."? * A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothing but a hound dog.'"? * Another person called to report he had the hiccups.? * A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.? * A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.? * A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.? * Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and was in a tree outside.? * A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.? * A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.? * A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person answering told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.? * Another winner called to ask when the Cinco de Mayo celebration was. (Cinco de Mayo means the 5th of May)? * A female complainant called to request a police officer come to her residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't reach it.? * A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.? * A woman called to report that someone had trespassed on her property. When asked how she knew this, she reported that the person had trimmed her rose bushes, and she knew it was her next-door neighbor.? * A person called to find out the number to the police station ? Received from The Mouthpiece ? ? On the Lighter Side ? When we seek advice, we may already know the answer - but wish we didn't. ? ? Punnies ? I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it. ? Sports Close-up ... I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. ... Then it hit me! ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? ? ? Life after Death ? "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.? "Yes, sir," the clerk replied.? "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Motorcycle Ride ? There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.? Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."? After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.? The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"? The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way." ? ----- ? Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games ? 10. Musical Recliners ? 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta ? 8. Hide and Go Pee ? 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent ? 6. Doc, Doc Goose ? 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over ? 4. Kick the Bucket ? 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear ? 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy ? 1. Sag, You're It! ? ----- ? Too Hot, Too Cold ? A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.? Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.? "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner." ? ----- ? Blonde Riding a Horse ? A blonde decides to learn and try horseback riding assisted without any experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.? It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.? The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.? Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.? As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off. -----? Late Night Funnies? Sources say that Trump is already finalizing his cabinet. Rudy Giuliani would be attorney general, Newt Gingrich would be secretary of state, and Chris Christie would be the wall.?-- Jimmy Fallon? There used to be a tradition of heavy drinking on Election Day. People used to get drunk like St. Patrick’s Day, then they passed all sorts of laws to prevent that from happening. I think this is the year to bring that tradition back.?-- Jimmy Kimmel? Twitter is Trump’s lifeline to the world, especially since it turns out that Donald Trump does not use a computer. No computer at all. He even files his taxes the old-fashioned way — not.?-- Stephen Colbert ----- More?Jokes?from?ArcaMax.comGeorge Carlin- Stand Up Routine 1965 Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ DEAR ABBY: I lost my husband in the middle of last summer. He had a long illness with strokes and Alzheimer's, and he was horrible to me. Out of our entire 40 years of marriage, we had only four good ones. Over the last three years, a gentleman from work would help with things around the house that my husband could no longer do. He would talk to both of us and then go on his way. I took care of my husband 24/7 for the last two years of his life. I see this man at work all the time. He lost his daughter around the same time I lost my husband. We carpooled and talked a lot. I bought him a tree this year for Christmas with presents (everyone in the vanpool gets presents). The day after Christmas, we celebrated together. We have been together every day since. He treats me well. My children adore him. My ONLY hang-up is that because he hasn't dated for more than 20 years, he isn't very affectionate. Other than that, he's great to me. If I mention that I like anything, he'll buy it for me. Do I take a man who has a hard time kissing and hugging me because he shows affection in other ways, or should I move on? I have lots of family, so even though I would be alone, I would never be lonely.?-- WONDERING IN THE WEST DEAR WONDERING:?The man you have been seeing has a lot going for him. I don't know why he isn't affectionate, and neither, it appears, do you. Please have a calm, straightforward chat with him. Tell him how terrific you think he is, but the fact that he's not physically affectionate (describe exactly what you mean by that) is a problem for you. He may not know how or not be able to give you what you're looking for, but it would be a shame to end the relationship over anything that was unsaid. DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 30s and dealing with an illness that can kill me. I'm OK with dying, and I don't want any treatment. I just want to go. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression and self-harm since the age of 13. The problem is my children, husband and close family members. I don't want to tell anyone about this, and I do not want sympathy. I don't want to leave my children and husband, but I don't want them to see me get sick or die. I do not want them to cry. I prefer to deal with this on my own. Who knows? I might make it. Should I tell them what's going on or leave them hanging??-- CHALLENGED IN OHIO DEAR CHALLENGED:?I am sorry about your frightening diagnosis. Please do not leave the people who love you hanging. Your husband will see you growing weak and increasingly sick. Your children should be prepared, in an age-appropriate way, about the changes you will experience so they don't think it is their fault. Do everything you can to manage this disease, including talking to your doctors about your mental health history, and think positive, because you may, indeed, make it. If you do, your family will be stronger for it.? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:dailycleanjokes@groups.io ? Subscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+subscribe@groups.io ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+unsubscribe@groups.io ? Group Owner:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+owner@groups.io ? Help:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+help@groups.io ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 24, 2025
Daily Clean Jokes for? March 24, 2025? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ?? ? "From his office, my dentist has been On vacation," I said with a grin. ????????????"So my cavity's not ????????????Fixed by him, who I sought, But by someone who's?just?filling?in." ? Conrad, Jim, Bill, Carol, Dickhead, Grover, Chris got it. ? -----? ? ? ? Kirk Miller ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:?I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.??Then it's time for my nap.?-- Bob Hope ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liners:? ? How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring. Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.? I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on.? The 80s were great because I didn't have to look at your selfies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Puns of the Day:? ? A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum? ………………….? and coke.” The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?” The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.” ----- I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time. ----- What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. ----- Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Child sent to bed
"WHAT??!!"
? -----? ? Guests for dinner There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!" ----- Things mom taught me ... My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"? My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOUR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home." And, my all-time favourite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!" Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ?? On the Lighter Side? ? In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a major problem, so they would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’ Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change their situation, chose a very subtle rebellion. They would do the head motions, but instead of ‘tick tock tick tock’, they would wait until the guards were further down the line and switch to ‘tick tick tick.’ None of the guards noticed this was going on for many months, until finally, a young lieutenant was caught ticking by a senior SS Captain walking behind the line. The captain stopped the exercise, walked over, face-to-face with the young man, and “A rebel. Vell, don’t vorry, ve have vays of making you tock.’_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? If a King sleeps on a king mattress, and a Queen sleeps on a queen mattress, what does a Prince sleep on?An heir mattress And his younger brother sleeps on the spare mattress.? ? Received from Reddit Clean. ? ________________________________________ ? ?
Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ____________________________________________________________
Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ DEAR ABBY: How do I tell my friend I feel she needs a mental health evaluation? She has been my closest friend for 20 years, and we have been through many trials together. She has been married for a couple of years to a man who seems very nice. Abby, she is convinced that she's being followed, but doesn't know by whom or why. She tells me about terrible arguments she has with her husband because she thinks he orchestrated situations in public places. For instance, she claims he seats himself in a position to look at other women. The poor man is blind in one eye and has limited vision in the other. She also believes his ex-wife flirts with him and he is probably cheating with her, although they have been divorced for 20 years. She resents his contact with his grandkids and his family because of it. I should add that her mother was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's at around her age. It's heartbreaking to watch. I have mentioned it numerous times, as well as suggesting she speak to a pastor (she thinks the church may be in on it) or a therapist, but she tends to dodge it. If I try to contact her husband, she will start to think I'm a traitor. I don't know how to help. Please advise. -- TRAINWRECK IN ARIZONA DEAR TRAINWRECK: From your description of your friend's paranoid and irrational behavior, she appears to be sick. Because neither you nor I are qualified to diagnose what has gone wrong with her, she needs to be evaluated by a doctor. It would not be betraying her to discuss this with her beleaguered husband, who may be at a loss about how to deal with her behavior. Rather than a betrayal, seeing that she gets help would be a tremendous favor. DEAR ABBY: I am a "young" senior citizen (age 90). People sometimes think I'm in my early 60s because I look and act it. I have been widowed three times by women younger than I. I recently met a woman I'm very attracted to. I think the feeling may be mutual. We have a lot in common. The first time we talked on the phone, the conversation lasted more than three hours. Last evening, I learned while talking on the phone with her that I'm older than her mother by one year. Would you advise me to "back off"? -- JUST A NUMBER IN COLORADO DEAR JUST A NUMBER: If this woman's mother is 89, she probably had her daughter between the ages of 20 and 30. This would make the woman to whom you are attracted between 59 and 69. I see no reason for you to "back off" or obscure your age. Because the two of you have a lot in common, enjoy the relationship. (If she's brave enough to be with you after you have killed off three younger women, more power to her!) ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ?
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 22, 2025
ADaily Clean Jokes for March 22, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ?? ? "When insomnia strikes, it sure bites," Said King Arthur's court members.??Their plights ????????????Were quite far from the best, ????????????And as you might have guessed, Were resulting in some?sleepless?knights. ? Lee, Erika, Chris, Conrad, Carol, Jim, Dick, Lars got it. ----- Mom and dad, please do not be errant. Teach your kids; that should be inherent. ????????????You readily should see ????????????Responsibility Falls on you.??It is just?apparent.
?? Kirk Miller? ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Pun Number One: A Twist on a ClassicRemember the old joke, "Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems!" Now, let's give it a twist. "Why was the math book also happy? Because it had solutions to all its problems!" This pun not only gives you a chuckle, but it also reminds us that every problem comes with a solution. Or, in other words, there's always a silver lining in every situation. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Quote of the Day:?? "In adversity we tend to doubt God's fatherly care, but in prosperity we tend to forget it. If we are to trust God, we must acknowledge our dependence upon him at all times, good times as well as bad times." -- Jeff Bridges _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Today's One-Liner:? ? My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.? I asked her, "How small?" She replied, "Just you, me, and the principal." ----- ? ?Murphy's Laws on Computers - As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it. - Installing a new program will always mess up at least one old one. - You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all. - The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been backed up. - There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't crashed - yet. - Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it. ?----- Unforgettable Grandma I still have my late grandmother in my contacts. We shouldn't have scattered her ashes on such a windy day. Received from Pastor Tim's Cybersalt Digest. ----- Helping the Lost A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours. When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home." Only in games and tests can we delay helping the lost. ? ?Received from Featured Illustrations.? These are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a speech.? Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic; the point of them is the point you make with them. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Nun Runs Amok!? Doctor's Cure is Hilariously?Unorthodox! ? A nun stepped out of the doctor's office, saying her rosary rather loudly as she hurried down the hospital corridor. Another doctor witnessed this, and went to ask her doctor about it. "Hey, what happened?? The nun ran out of her praying her rosary as though it were the end of the world!" "Oh, I just told her she was pregnant." The first doctor replied. "Oh my!? Is she?" "No, but it sure cured her hiccups!" Received from Pearly Gates. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? On the Lighter Side? ? I've got a knock-knock joke for you, but you have to start it. ----- ? All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces "we're just waiting for the pilots.". The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!" ----- What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go for the juggler. ? Received from Reddit Clean. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?----- Thought Of The Day: Dreaming Is the Beginning "Dreaming is the beginning of getting what you want." ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." ----- - Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa" ----- What do you call a witch who drives really badly? ----- Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ By Michael Roizen, M.D.? If your latest blood test showed you have healthy levels of lousy LDL cholesterol -- hold off on celebrating for a bit. Standard tests for LDL levels don't assess very low-density lipoproteins (VLDL) and intermediate-density lipoproteins (IDL) -- both of which can raise your heart disease risk. And a study in JAMA Cardiology found that while your LDL levels seem healthy, you can still have high levels of undetected VLDL and IDL cholesterol. ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- Kevin Hart talks about having three sold out shows at Radio City Music Hall, creating Lil Kev to be a love letter to growing up in Philadelphia and not remembering anything after going day drinking with Seth before redeeming himself by playing the day drinking slot machine. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:dailycleanjokes@groups.io ? Subscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+subscribe@groups.io ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+unsubscribe@groups.io ? Group Owner:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+owner@groups.io ? Help:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+help@groups.io ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 21, 2025
Daily Clean Jokes for March 21, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? Kirk's Limerick ?? Turnpike drivers received email poll. My response was quite true, rather droll. ????????????I said everyone sees ????????????Your exorbitant fees Are so high they are?taking?a?toll. ? Jim, Carol, Conrad, Dick, Chris got it. ----- There's a handyman, name is Rocky, Who fills houses' small gaps in Milwaukee ????????????Using sealant.??He's bold ????????????And conceited.??I'm told That his attitude is?real?caulky. ? Jim, Conrad, Lars, Dick, Bill, Chris got it. Kirk Miller -----?? Kirk's Puns We were going on a hike in Virginia, and could hike along a trail where General Robert E. Lee spread his troops to stop a Yankee invasion, or around a lake in which Thomas Jefferson once swam.??We decided to take the path of Lee's resistance. ? In ancient Rome, workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour.??Anything, that is, except smoked salmon.??That was the world's first anti-lox breaks. ? It is 2019 and Romeo Beckham is turning out to play for Manchester United for the first time.??He says to his dad, "What number should I wear?"??David thinks for a while, then says, "Wear 4 out there, Romeo." ? I reached into my back pocket for a chaw of tobacco and discovered my can was missing.??I suppose it's possible I lost the dang thing, but I couldn't help suspecting I'd been the victim of some kind of Skoal duggery. ? The college professor who was involved in a terrible car wreck was grading papers on a curve.? ? ----- Real Women ----- Just Add Water ? Kirk Miller ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:? Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it. -- Ann Landers ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liners:? ? ? ??Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.? ? ? ?*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*?
Some people are kind, polite, and?sweet-spirited? Until you try to sit in their pews.??? *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*? Many folks want to serve God,???? But only as advisers.??? ??*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*? It is easier to preach ten sermons??? Than it is to live one.? ? Received from Tom Kick. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?A Salute Funny The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige. ? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?Set for Life A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, he suffered a coronary and was hospitalized. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money." -----  Political Quotes"I resent your insinuendoes." ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? ? ?Terry Lynn had to finally replace her aging van.? She explained to her granddaughter who is six that she was going to limit the eating, drinking and definitely no smoking in the new car because she wanted to keep that "New Car Smell" as long as she could. TerryAnn picked her up from school the other day and could tell she was not feeling all that well.? As she was buckling up in her car seat she accidentally passed gas.? Before TerryAnn could even correct her or get an "oops" or "sorry," she announced from the back seat, "Well, there goes the new car smell." ? ----- ? ? ? ?My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle.? An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, "Boy is she r-u-d-e!" ? ?"Yeah," he replied, "but I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l." ? ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? On the Lighter Side? ? A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips. The librarian says, "this is a library." The man, says, "oh. Sorry." (Then in a whisper) "I'd like some fish and chips." ? ?----- What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? It's irrelevant! ? Received from Reddit Clean. ? ________________________________________ ? ? "I have traveled just about all over the world." ----- Five year old Frankie's parents bought him some new shoes. It had been raining so they told Frankie, "You can't walk in mud puddles with your new shoes." ----- Thought Of The Day: Follow Your Bliss “Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.” ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ____________________________________________________________ The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted. ----- Why did the tadpole feel lonely? ----- What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. ----- This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- Jennifer talks about not being on the season three of “The White Lotus,” her character dying in the last season, living in New Orleans, what it’s like being there during Mardi Gras, growing up in Boston, drinking alcohol in high school, her new movie Riff Raff, being nervous to fondle Ed Harris, Bill Murray giving her a hard time, and being in the new Minecraft movie. Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? ______________________________________
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DEAR ABBY: I am concerned about my daughter. She's in a nice relationship, which seems good. They have two beautiful sons, ages 4 and 2, good jobs, a nice home and nice families who show a lot of support. We are always there for one another. My concern is that my daughter's partner will not move forward with an engagement and proposal of marriage. A few years ago, I mentioned marriage to him, and he answered, "Soon." His parents also said the time will be coming soon. I heard from someone that he said there has been a lot of divorce in his family, and that's what is holding him back. I feel for my daughter. While her sister and cousins are getting married, she is sitting idle. I don't really know how she is feeling because I try not to butt in, but this is hurting my wife and me, and possibly her. Should I say something again or stay out of it? She would be a beautiful and happy bride. -- EMPATHETIC DAD IN ILLINOIS DEAR DAD: Sorry to be a grump, but it's time to think realistically. There is a lot more to this than what a beautiful and happy bride your daughter would make. Has she considered what would happen to her and the children if something unforeseen happened to her partner? Who would be legally empowered to make medical and financial decisions for him? Her? His parents? Has he considered what the outcome of his stalling could be, two children later? Talk with your daughter and make sure she understands the implications of what's going on. Yes, she and her partner are happy. Bless them for that. But it's possible neither of them is thinking pragmatically and, for the sake of her and the children, that should change. DEAR ABBY: My wife died five years ago. I waited for four years before getting back in the dating scene. My girlfriend was divorced six years ago. Her ex-husband lives in a different state. She refuses to tell him about our relationship because she says she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. Her ex calls and texts her all the time. I like her a lot, and our relationship has been great in every way. I just can't get over her not telling him. I have talked to her about this, but she refuses to tell him. Should I be worried about this? -- EX ISSUE IN MICHIGAN DEAR EX ISSUE: I think so. This woman may be legally divorced from her husband but is not emotionally, which may be why she's reluctant to tell him. She may also be less invested in your relationship than you are. Ask her whether she would want to know if her ex met someone and started a relationship. Then ask the reverse question because, if you are serious about her, the current situation is unfair to you. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
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Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
?
Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
Our New Groups Email Addresses
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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??
??
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for March 20, 2025? ? ? ? ? ?
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Kirk's Clean Limericks? ? ??
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IQ tests have created suspense
In the town, so I guess it makes sense
????????????That if scores are quite low,
????????????Then the people should know
That the town's population?is?dense.
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Jim, Conrad, Grover, Carol, Lee, Chris, Bill, Dick got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns of the Day
Message Body
That bimbo is such a poor poker player I could probably beat her blonde folded.
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After serving faithfully for 30 years at his Fort Knox guard post, Albert finally reached the mandatory retirement age.??What did they give him???A gold watch.
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Although she'd sworn never to let any man get under her skin, it was clear from the start that she had designs on this guy.
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Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks -- it's all lice.
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Several elderly nuns were on the second floor of the convent when a fire broke out.??The nuns calmly took off their habits, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window to safety.??When they were on the ground, a reporter asked them, "Weren't you afraid the rope might break since the material is so old?"??"Heavens, no," said one of the nuns, "Old habits are hard to break."
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Kirk Miller
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?A Hunt Funny
Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer.
"The plane won't carry six deer, you'll have to leave two of them," said the pilot, trying to be friendly.
Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said "We got six on the plane last year."
The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, "Any idea where we are?"
The second hunter said, "Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year."
>>>Today's Thot
My twin brother called me from prison. He said: "You know how we finish each other's sentences?"
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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.
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Does God Hear?A man used to grumble at the food his wife placed before him at meal time. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint and prayer his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."
"And does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"
"Yes, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
Innocently she burst his bubble with her next question. "Then which does God believe?"
Received from Monday Fodder?via GCFL.
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?1. What’s a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak
2. Why are all elephants console gamers?
‘Cause they’re afraid of the mouse
?3. What did the big mouse say to the little mouse?
Pip, squeak
4. What did the mouse say to the ant crossing the street?
Hello, fellow road-ant
5. What mouse leaves blue marks everywhere?
A bluetooth mouse
Received from Da Mouse Tracks.
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On the Lighter Side
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Received from Phyllis Ingram
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Long friendships are built on laughter, tears, shared memories, and countless conversations. With care and effort, they can last a lifetime.
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?A Blonde and a Lawyer
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.
" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.?
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Received from Reddit Clean.
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They told me, "Follow your dreams..." ----- Young Husband (in the early morning): "It must be time to get up." ----- Thought Of The Day: Lending You Money “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” ----- My grandfather has the heart of a lion... ----- The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)... ----- Thought Of The Day: Just Play “Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.” Received from aJokeADay. |
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In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
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Bubba and Billy Bob
While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.? About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied: "Great!, I love spaghetti!
"Billy Bob asked Bubba "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?"
Not so good," replied Bubba,"I'm thinking 'bout switching back to paper
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Josh Who?
My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account.
Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name.
Then she asked for his department, and I said that I didn't know that either.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply.
So I asked her for her name.
"Danielle," she said.
"And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."
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For the Kids
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!
Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
What sister?
Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!
Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth ...
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I?m invisible
Who said that?
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Late Night writer John Lutz shares how he gets inspiration from Maker's Mark's red wax design before sharing a glass with Seth.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Finding Blessings in Tough Times? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Direct link:?
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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 27 years. Most of them have been miserable. My husband has been a functioning alcoholic for more than 40 years. I consider his behavior emotionally abusive. I hate my home. My kids (22, 19 and 17) don't want me to leave him. I live in my bedroom all day by myself except to go to work. He now says he wants to take a pill to stop drinking. It's just another lie. He will never do it. I am a shell of a woman at 56 and want to end it all. I am so miserable I can't do another year of this. -- CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS DEAR CAN'T: You shouldn't have to "do" another year of this. Consult a lawyer about a legal separation and move out. Tell your well-meaning children that you may return when their father can prove that he has quit drinking. If he takes the meds, once he sobers up, he may be less emotionally abusive. (Don't count on it.) However, if he fails to follow through, file for divorce. DEAR ABBY: I was invited to my niece's wedding, and we immediately RSVP'd "yes." I was also invited by her sister to her bridal shower and responded affirmatively. I have a service dog I take with me everywhere. I advised both parties that I was bringing him. The sister told me I was uninvited or could leave my service dog outside on the porch. Now, a month later, three months after saying yes to the wedding, I am being told I'm uninvited to the wedding because of my service dog. Am I expected to still give a wedding gift? I had planned to give my niece my sterling silver dinner set. What do I do now? -- GOING, NOT GOING, IN ILLINOIS DEAR GOING: Forget about the shower and wedding gift. If you feel generously inclined, send the happy couple a nice card. If your animal is, indeed, a trained service dog to help you should you need it, it was wrong to rescind your invitation(s). Your dog would have been well behaved and wouldn't have caused a distraction. DEAR ABBY: My 32-year-old son is not speaking to me, his father and sister because I finally refused to give him more money. I have always helped him with his finances while he spent his money foolishly. It has been nine months since we have spoken or seen each other. He has two children, so we have no contact with them, either. I want to tell him how foolish he is, but I don't feel I should have to apologize to him. He's jealous of his sister and feels we do everything for her. We have always done exactly the same for both of our children. My daughter rarely borrows money, but if she does, it is returned quickly. Should I wait until my son misses us enough to contact us on his own or reach out to him? He is very stubborn, and this may go on for years. -- SADDENED IN THE SOUTH DEAR SADDENED: Call your spoiled, entitled son. Tell him you love him, but that you're not changing your stance on the money issue. After that, the ball is in his court. |
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By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D.
In 2022-2023, almost 3.5 million girls and just over 4.5 million boys participated in high school sports. That's a lot of soccer, softball, basketball and football (including 4,094 girls on 11-player high school tackle football teams, and 42,955 girls playing flag football).
That's wonderful -- it means they're getting physical exercise that helps develop a healthy brain and body. But it takes the right kind of fuel to get those benefits and, unfortunately, a new study in Nutrients ...
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Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
?
Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
Our New Groups Email Addresses
? Post:?mailto:dailycleanjokes@groups.io
? Subscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+subscribe@groups.io
? Unsubscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+unsubscribe@groups.io
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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??
??
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 19, 2025? ? ? ??
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Today's Clean Limericks? ? ?
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During medical school there's a rut
That the student is in.??She thinks what
????????????If the test I don't pass
????????????To be surgeon???The lass
Aced the test, so the gal?made?the?cut.
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Jim, Gary, Carol, Dick, Grover, Chris, Conrad got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
He had a novel way of writing fiction.
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"I saw Pinocchio last night!??Not the movie, the real Pinocchio!"??"You're joking!"??"Nope, I wooden kid you!"
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My brother quit his job at the salt and pepper factory. The work was too seasonal.
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As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him.??He fell through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.??Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummeled with debris from the collapsed eaves.??A neighbor happened to witness this, and hurried over to check on the man.??He was alive, but badly hurt.??The paramedics were called, and he was taken to the hospital in agony.??The man's injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering.??On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.??"What?" exclaimed the man. "You are going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"??"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We are arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit.??That is a clear case of illegal eaves dropping."
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Kirk Miller
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Humorous Quotes of the Day:?
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Funny One-Liners:
1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.? ?
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TWELVE REASONS WHY I STOPPED ATTENDING SPORTS EVENTS
~ Every time I went, they asked me for money.
~ The people with whom I had to sit by didn't seem very friendly.
~ The seats were too hard and not comfortable at all.
~ The coach never came to call on me.
~ The referee made a decision with which I could not agree.
~ I was sitting with some hypocrites -- they came only to see what others were wearing.
~ Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home.
~ The band played some numbers that I had never heard before.
~ The games are scheduled when I want to do other things.
~ My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.
~ Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches anyhow.
~ I don't want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.
>>>Today's Thot
I'm about 3 pounds from Google Maps listing me as a roundabout.
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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.
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Our anniversary was approaching, so when my husband told me that he had booked a "tee" time for Sunday at 10 a.m., I was delighted.
"Tea at the Empress Hotel, how lovely!" I exclaimed.
The look on his face was priceless as he quickly ran to the phone to make the reservation.
Received from Da Mouse Tracks?via GCFL.
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1. Riddle:?What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs?
Answer:?A clock.
2. Riddle:?What does a house wear?
Answer:?Ad-dress.
3. Riddle:?Where would you take a sick boat?
Answer:?To the dock.
4. Riddle:?I give milk and I have a horn, but I’m not a cow. What am I?
Answer:?A milk truck.
5. Riddle:?Why did the fly never land on the computer?
Answer:?He was afraid of the world wide web.
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Received from Funny Riddles
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On the Lighter Side?
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?1.??My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said "40"
2.??I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
3.??My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
4.? What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
5.? How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is it one or two? One ... or two?
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So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
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What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
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A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
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Received from Reddit Clean.
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I had some words for my wife...
She had some paragraphs for me!
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A robber breaks into a house and ties up the woman and man.
The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: "I'll give you everything! Please, let her go..."
Robber: "I only care about the jewels! I won't hurt you if you give me what I want..."
Guy: "I BEG you, let her go!"
Robber: "Wow, you must really love your wife..."
Guy: "What? Oh no, my wife is about to get home!"
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?Thought Of The Day:??Have You Ever Noticed
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”?— George Carlin
Received from aJokeADay.com.
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The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)".
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
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Airport Mistletoe
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.""Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."(pause)"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss.""That's not why it's there."(pause)"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?""It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
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Physical Training Job
A soldier shows up for military training but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.
The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.
"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving."
The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.
So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing.
He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.
The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!"
But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.
The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!"
But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!"
But to his dismay, nothing works.
Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
"Tankity tank-tank."
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ore Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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A patient (Shane Gillis) recognizes his doctor (Emil Wakim) as a middle school classmate and takes him on a walk down memory lane.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Funny Riddles
1.? Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
2.? What ended in 1896?
3.? What is the greatest force on earth?
4. Explain what hard water is?
5.? To change centimeter to meter you ...
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Answers
1.? At the bottom.
2.? 1895
3. No not love, it's gravity
4.? Ice
5.. Take out centi.
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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?
A Listerine ad from the 1950s claimed bad breath can damage a happy marriage. Thankfully, we now know that bad breath is one of those subtle signs that you are not living as young as you could and you may be speeding up your chances of developing chronic conditions that put a damper on health, happiness -- and longevity.
Research shows bad breath can be caused by everything from drinking coffee and snoring to dehydration, gum disease, acid reflux, ulcers, and certain medications, ...
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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Finding Blessings in Tough Times? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Direct link:?
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| - March 10, 2025?- DEAR ABBY: My wife and I went for our annual checkups seven months ago. We were both overweight and told by our respective doctors that we needed to make some lifestyle changes to improve our health. Since that time, I have made the needed changes. As a result, I have lost 40 pounds, and all of my vitals are in a healthy range. My wife has not made any changes. There has been no weight loss, and she has to take medication for a couple of issues. While I have made sacrifices, she has made excuses. I love her dearly, but I am very frustrated. I have been positive and encouraging, but it doesn't seem to help. We are both at an age at which we need to take our health seriously. This isn't about looks or appearance; it's about health. I really want us to have long and healthy lives together. If there is any advice you can provide, I am open to hearing it. -- FITTER IN INDIANA DEAR FITTER: Other than modeling healthy exercise and eating habits for your wife, there is nothing you can do to force her off the trajectory she is on. Changing one's lifestyle (or not) is a personal choice. Motivation has to come from within, and she has to be determined to make the effort. Her doctor, not you, should discuss making those changes with her and the reasons for it. Even small changes can make a big difference. DEAR ABBY: I have a 7-year-old great-granddaughter, "Emma." She's beautiful, smart, happy and just wonderful. Her dad, my grandson, and her mother are no longer together, but they share custody. My grandson has since gotten together with Baby Mama No. 2 and has two other children with her. Emma's life has not been the easiest because of the fighting and disagreements. Her mother is also with another man and has other children. Her mom's boyfriend is not nice to Emma. My grandson is trying to get full custody of her. Emma is bright and intelligent. I would like to talk to her about independence and not depending on any man to support her. I know at 7 she's still too young to understand. What is a good age to teach her independence and how to provide for herself, and rather than "need" a man, it's healthier to be with someone without depending on him? -- HER "GEE-GEE" IN COLORADO DEAR "GEE-GEE": This is not a one-time lesson you are trying to convey. It's a lifelong process. The first thing you should do is become a role model for Emma. Expose her to books and videos about women who are independent, building careers and lives for themselves rather than depending upon a man. Then teach her self-respect. If you do, those are lessons she will take with her into adulthood. |
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Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
?
Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
Our New Groups Email Addresses
? Post:?mailto:dailycleanjokes@groups.io
? Subscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+subscribe@groups.io
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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??
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Daily Clean Jokes for? March 18, 2025? ? ? ?
? ? ? ?
Today's Clean Limericks? ? ?
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If you give alcohol a good-bye
And decide that hard drugs you will try,
????????????I will hasten to tell
????????????That it won't turn out well,
Because then you'll be?left?high?and?dry.
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Jim, Carol, Dick, Chris, Conrad got it.
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Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
An election year is when the air is filled with speeches, and vice versa.
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Those who eat candy with both hands are ambi-dextrose.
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Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo."??During that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife on the battle line.??She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line.??After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee.
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If you can't find anyone to sing with, you have to duet yourself.
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When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.
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Kirk Miller
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Humorous Quotes of the Day:
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Steven Wright's One-Liners for Today:? ?
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- I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone.
- What’s another word for Thesaurus?
- If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time
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?A Carpool Funny
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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.
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Stopped for SpeedingA woman was out driving with her husband. She was speeding along about fifty when a motorcycle cop appeared alongside and indicated for her to pull over.
The cop looked at her and said, "Hmmm...I'm going to put you down for fifty-five."
She turned to her husband. "See! I told you this hat makes me look old."
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?Received from Clean Laffs via GCFL.
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?Squeaky Clean Jokes
- Why did the mouse wash its fur? Because it wanted to be?squeaky?clean! ?
- What do you call a mouse that can sing? A?squeaky?diva! ?
- How does a mouse stay in shape? It goes to the?cheese?gym! ?
- Why did the mouse sit on the clock? It wanted to keep?track?of time! ?
- What’s a mouse’s favorite dance? The?Cheddar?Cha-Cha! ?
- Why did the mouse bring a broom? To keep its home?squeaky?clean! ??
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Received from Punny Universe.
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On the Lighter Side?
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My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"?
I said: "No, it doesn't"
"What do you mean, does nothing rhyme with orange?"
'No ... that doesn't rhyme either.'
"Well, I know 'that' doesn't rhyme, I'm asking, what rhymes with orange?"
'No! It doesn't!'
And so on and so forth ...
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?I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo???One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
??
Received from Reddit Clean.
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Two years after my heart attack, I was teaching my college course when I felt discomfort in my chest. I paused the class to pop my medication and felt better quickly.
“Now, if I ever do have a heart attack,” I told my students, “I will give extra credit to whoever gives me CPR.”
One of them shouted out, ”How much?”
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His wife returned from the morning shopping expedition and called her husband into the room from the garden.
"Frederick," she said heavily, "When you came home last night you told me you had been to the Grand Hotel with Mr. Wilson. I just met Mrs. Wilson, and she said you were both at the Trocadero. Why did you lie to me like that."
Hubby groaned. "When I came home last night I couldn't say 'Trocadero.'"
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Thought Of The Day:??The Quickest Way
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest." -- Roseanne Barr
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Received from aJokeADay.com.
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Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet :
- Home is where you hang your @
- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Great groups from little icons grow.
- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
- C: is the root of all directories.
- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
- The modem is the message.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- A chat has nine lives.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- What boots up must come down.
- Windows will never cease.
- In Gates we trust.
- Virtual reality is its own reward.
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A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo.""Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car."Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo.""Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."-----
Years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Today we have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope.
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Funny One-Liners
- Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
- My brother was a clown for the Ringling Brothers Circus and when he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping.
- I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
- I was arrested for lip-syncing Karaoke.
- Every morning I get up and make instant coffee so I’ll have enough energy to make the regular coffee.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Buster Keaton in Neighbors, The General, Cops, Seven Chances, Three Ages, Hard Luck, The Bell Boy, Steamboat Bill, One Week, Day Dreams, Sherlock Jr., Our Hospitality, Jr.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: We lost our 16-year-old daughter two years ago to leukemia. It's been a difficult two years. I am writing to ask if there are rules of etiquette for visiting a loved one at the cemetery? We go regularly. I decorate the area in front of her stone with holiday or seasonally appropriate decorations. Other family members and friends visit as well, and most leave little trinkets or fresh flowers that I pick up and throw away when they wither, or bring home and put in our daughter's room. My problem is, one family member opens cards that have been left there for my daughter, and puts all sorts of cheap decorations around her grave. Recently, they put decorations directly on her gravestone which left large stains. We are now left searching for a professional to remove them, or her stone will need to be replaced. I'm beside myself. This is where I go to talk to my daughter to feel closer to her. It took a year for her stone to be set. I took my time choosing just the right etchings and picture, and it's a stone befitting our beautiful angel. Would it be wrong to set rules as to what people can and can't leave when visiting my daughter's final resting place? Can I tell someone they are no longer welcome to visit? -- PROTECTIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR PROTECTIVE: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your daughter. I hope the relative who damaged her headstone apologized for it and volunteered to pay for the services of the professional cleaner. If not, you should suggest it. And while you are at it, you can also explain what kind of mementos you feel are appropriate at the gravesite. Understand, however, that while you have the right to state your preferences, unless there's a guard watching your daughter's final resting place, there's no guarantee they will be respected. DEAR ABBY: We all meet acquaintances and say, "Let's grab dinner." We intend to follow through but forget. A while back, my wife and I made a list of 10 other couples we would like to get to know better and organized a group dinner. On the third Saturday of each month, a couple hosts the group at a restaurant. We don't meet in homes or in December, and, yes, sometimes only six couples attend, but it's often all of us. This is our 25th year, and we have not missed a month. During COVID we gathered by Zoom. It's not about the food -- it's about a caring group of friends sharing with each other. Abby, I thought you might want to print this to inspire others. -- ONE HOST IN INDIANA DEAR HOST: I think the lesson here is that someone has to be proactive and actually make plans rather than settle for good intentions. You did everyone, including yourself, a tremendous favor. Loneliness and isolation are serious problems for many. |
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?
Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
?
Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
Our New Groups Email Addresses
? Post:?mailto:dailycleanjokes@groups.io
? Subscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+subscribe@groups.io
? Unsubscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+unsubscribe@groups.io
? Group Owner:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+owner@groups.io
? Help:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+help@groups.io
?
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??
??
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?
Daily Clean Jokes for March 16, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ?
Kirk's Clean Limerick? ??
?
To Las Vegas, casinos entice
The old man with his big gambling vice.
????????????Though he wanted to go,
????????????I suppose that you know
That his wife told her husband, "No?dice!"
?
Jim, Conrad, Erika, Dickhead, Bill, Lars, Carol, Grover, Lee, Chris got it.
?
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk Miller
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Quotes of the Day:?
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Today's One-Liners:??
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was nothing left but debris.
How does NASA organize a party? They planet.?
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Kirk's Puns of the Day for March:?
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What do you call a group of cars sitting in a parking lot with their engines running on March 15?
????The idles of March
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Beatrice and Marjorie, sisters, shared their every possession.??Marjorie had an elegant fur coat that Beatrice coveted.??One very cold day in March, their mother suggested that Beatrice could keep warm by donning Marjorie's stole.??It was noted that BEA WEARS THE HIDES OF MARJ.
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Two parents were discussing the relative merits of playground equipment at Larch Park, so called because it contained a preponderance of Larch trees.??Said one, "Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except for those rusty old slides."??Remarked the second, "Yes, you must beware the slides of Larch!"
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Not many people recall that the actor Fredric March was into apiculture.??He kept several hives of bees and produced honey for many of his friends.??Fredric's friend, Sid Caesar, went to visit him in his apiary one spring day, but was unable to locate the bee colonies.??He did, however, encounter one of the busy little insects gathering pollen on a nearby flower, so Caesar stopped and asked, "Bee, where are the hives of March?"
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?Not so Nice
Yo momma so fat, you can throw a rock in any direction and still hit her.
Your momma so fat that wherever she sits in a room she is sitting next to you..
When she sits around the house she really sits AROUND the house
Can we stop making fun of fat people, please? They have enough on their plate already.
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Received from Accomplished Pen.
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How to Give Your Cat a Pill
I.? Grasp cat firmly in your arms.? Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2.? Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under the sofa.
3.? Follow same procedure as in 1. but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm.? Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4.? Retrieve cat from under the bed.? Get new pill from bottle.? (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5.? Again proceed as in 1. except when you have cat firmly cradled in the bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop pill in quickly.? Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
6.? Leave cat hanging on the drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7.? If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8.? Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1. say sternly, "Who the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and Oooops!
9.? This isn't working is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10.? Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11.? Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12.? Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13.? Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14.? Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15.? Resume position. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the pedals on a snap dragon.
16.? Drop pill into cats mouth and poke gently. Voila!? It's done.
17.? Vacuum up loose fur (cats). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18.? Take two aspirins and lie down.
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Well, well, well, if it isn't the bridge I said I'd cross when I came to it.
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Microscope vs. Telescope
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
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"On particularly rough days, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that's pretty good."
- Unknown
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Lazarus, Come Out!
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Received from Pastor Tim's The Cybersalt Digest.
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Annual Checkup
?
My doctor told me I was obese.?
I got defensive and told him, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese ...
... My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity?runs?in my family."
Doctor, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."
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Received from Reddit Clean.
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Bar Competition
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Did You Ever Wonder?
1.? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2.? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3.? Why do we say something is out of whack?? What's a whack?
4.? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5.? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6.? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7.? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
8.? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9.? Why do croutons come in airtight packages?? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10.? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
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Classified Bloopers, Not Just for Church Bullentins Anymore
It’s not just church bulletins that contain those pesky typos. Here are some bloopers that appeared in the classified ads of local newspapers:
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For Sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Dog for Sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere else again.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Mother’s helper: peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Mel has the audience in hysterics as he performs his hilarious Frank Sinatra impression!
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Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Finding Blessings in Tough Times? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Direct link:?
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By Michael Roizen, M.D.
When you pop an aspirin, you're taking the world's most widely used medication, according to a study in Vascular Pharmacology. It's been a favorite for 3,500 years, ever since Sumerians and Egyptians used willow bark (it has aspirin's active ingredient in it) to treat pain and fevers. But it is important that it be taken correctly -- otherwise, it can cause risky bleeding and gastrointestinal distress or, conversely, you may miss the chance to avoid blood clots, heart attack and stroke.
...
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Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
?
Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
Our New Groups Email Addresses
? Post:?mailto:dailycleanjokes@groups.io
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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??
??
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
?
Years ago, changing TV channels from a sitting position was a remote possibility.
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My parents had remote control in the 1950s. Here’s how it worked: “Son, go change to channel 4, would you please?”
Received from Conrad Macina.
Daily Clean Jokes for December 14, 2025? ? ? ? ? ??
? ? ? ?
Today's Clean Limericks
"My new relish invention," said Mum,
"Has been selling quite well.??I've become
????????????Very wealthy.??You see
????????????I'm financially free,
And it's now my?main?sauce?of income."?
??
-----? ? ?
??
Kirk's Puns of the Day:?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
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We never will run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
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An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.
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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
I had a nice German Christmas cake, but can’t find it now. It’s stollen.
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Kirk's Video of the Day:???
Kirk Miller
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Today's One-Liner:? ?
Finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures - it's my face.
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?Quote of the Day:?
If you see a married couple still in love through the years,
you may think how lucky they are.
But in marital relations, there is no such thing as luck.
They made many compromises,
they overlooked each other's faults.
They forgave many mistakes and endured many problems.
They spent years learning to understand one another.
Love has never been a matter of luck.
It's mutual giving, compromise, shared dreams,
care, respect, mercy and patience.
- Unknown
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A Drum Funny
A scientist goes out to research the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out the rats in the deep jungles of Borneo.
Suddenly, in the distance, they hear tribal drums. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."
As they trek onward the drums get louder and louder until they sound quite close indeed. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums!"
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,
"Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
>>>Today's Thot
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.
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Finally, the finicky shopper huffed in frustration, "Isn't there someone smarter who can assist me?"
"No," the associate replied. "The smarter one saw you coming and made a quick exit."
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth??via GCFL.
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??A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically stuck his arm out the window.
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When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear: "Young man ... you keep both hands on the wheel ...? I'll tell you when it's raining!"
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Received from Da Mouse Tracks.
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Dalmation Role
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"
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The Day I Got Banned from the Park
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height. They didn't like me critter sizing.
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Climbing the Walls
With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.
When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.
I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway.?
By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.
"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.
The sitter joined me, her face a deep red.?
"Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.
We kept the same girl for the next two years.
Pastor Tim's Featured Illustrations
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From Heart Attacks to Coffin Chats:? A Comedy of Errors
Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac. Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about non-existent illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild sedative to keep her happy.
One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor prescribed his usual treatment. This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith died of a heart attack.
On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock. Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the cemetery.
The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin, followed by a voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you have anything for worms?"
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Received from Pastor Tim's Pearly Gates.
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Senior Parachute Club
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Yesterday, my daughter emailed me , asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
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"Like sitting around the pool, drinking beer isn't a good thing?" I asked.
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Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
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So, I did and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an email saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
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She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 75-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
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I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
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Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
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“Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up and prepaid for five jumps a week!”
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The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen may not be getting any easier, but it can be fun.
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--
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It’s a whole lot easier to get older, than it is to get wiser.
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Received from Tom Kick.
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?What do you call someone who breaks a plate and then apologizes?
Dishrespectful...
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IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...
...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
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If Walls Could Talk
What did the walls say to each other? Meet you at the corner.
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Yesterday I saw an ad that said "Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."
I thought "I definitely cannot turn that down!!!!!"?
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Received from Reddit Clean.
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"I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day." ----- China has a population of a billion people. One billion. ----- Thought Of The Day: The Cure for Boredom “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”?-- Dorothy Parker |
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The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.
I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
-----
Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind," said the shrink. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and you'll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say 'one-two-three-four,' because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool of yourself."
The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work with his co-workers, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start. The sales rep whispered under his breath, "One-two-three."
Then the CEO asked, "What did you say 'one-two-three' for?"
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My wife complained that the kitchen clock had nearly killed her mother, as it fell off the wall seconds after where she had been sitting underneath it.
That darn clock has always been slow.
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In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: "That's the hat for you! It makes you look ten years younger."
"Then I don't want it," retorted the customer. "I certainly can't afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!"
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Thought Of The Day:??A Self-Made Man
“He is a self-made man and he worships his creator.”
-- Henry Clapp
Received from aJokeADay.com.
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A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. ----- A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool will get a million dollars!" ----- Examine Bill Gates' wealth compared to yours: Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps he has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to Joe Average, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net worth. ----- When my son was in the Air Force, my wife and I visited quite often. On our first visit, we were allowed inside this top secret Communications Center, but everything in sight was covered up so we could look around everywhere -- Heck, even the toilet paper in the Men's room was disguised. |
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Buster Keaton in Neighbors, The General, Cops, Seven Chances, Three Ages, Hard Luck, The Bell Boy, Steamboat Bill, One Week, Day Dreams, Sherlock Jr., Our Hospitality, Jr.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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?? ? ? ? Understand The Thorns In Our Flesh
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Direct link:?
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?
?
Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
?
Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
Our New Groups Email Addresses
? Post:?mailto:dailycleanjokes@groups.io
? Subscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+subscribe@groups.io
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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??
??
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
?
At a mime class reunion, don't botch
What you do, always acting top-notch.
????????????If you hear any noise,
????????????Just ignore; keep your poise.
It's the?quiet?ones?you have to watch.
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Jim, Bill, Conrad, Dick got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns of the Day:?
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Two crooks bought a hotel.??They were inn mates.
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You didn't hear about the three big holes in the ground???Well, well, well.
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For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.
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He bent over to pick up a sieve, and strained himself.
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Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
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Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.?
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________After dinner one evening the president was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano. | |||||||||||
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root | |||||||||||
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:? ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ?Confucious say, man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Don't judge a book by it's cover.A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos and his piercings. Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?” Received from Reddit. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ?A Computer Funny ? If every computer were replaced with an Etch-A-Sketch:1. No boot-up problems 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: Q:? ?My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these?funny?little lines all over the screen. A:? ?Pick it up and shake it. Q:? ?How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A:? ?Pick it up and shake it. Q:? ?What's the shortcut for Undo? A:? ?Pick it up and shake it. Q:? ?How do I create a New Document window? A:? ?Pick it up and shake it. Q:? ?How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A:? ?Pick it up and shake it. Q:? ?What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A:? ?Pick it up and shake it. Q:? ?How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A:? ?Pick it up and shake it. Q:? ?How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A:? ?Don't shake it. [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. ? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? What’s a Pirates favourite cheese?? Chedd-AAR. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?? Nacho cheese. What do cheese salesmen say?? That cheese may be?, but this one is Feta! . ? ?As seen at the Courtyard Dairy. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? The best things in life are free ... plus tax, shipping and handling. ----- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said??? ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks via Ron Kopanski, 2-18-2016. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? On the Lighter Side? ? ? ?On a visit to Dallas, I was eager to visit a posh?department store about a?couple of blocks from our hotel.? ? My husband obligingly hailed a cab. ? "The lady wants to go to Nieman Marcus," he told the?driver. ? The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. ? "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to?the bank?" ? ? On the Lighter Side. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? I told the carpenter not to carpet my steps… ----- American psychologists have isolated two fundamental reasons why men frequent bars. ----- Thought Of The Day:??Love Is Blind “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.”?-- Pauline Thomason ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Violin Practice Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.? The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, she began to howl loudly.
----- The doctor told a woman that she had a year to live. She told him that she needed more time?and was there anything she could do.? The doc said, "Have your husband take up fiddling."? She asked, "How will that help me live longer .? "It won't"??replied the doc, "but it will seem?a lot longer." ----- Irish Joke of the day –?God’s HotlineOn vacation in Europe, Bob noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, Bob asked who the telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and if he’d like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. Bob was amazed, but declined the offer. Throughout Europe Bob kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, he asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars. Bob finished his tour of Europe with a stop in Ireland . He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath it there was a sign stating:?“DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN — 25 CENTS” “贵补迟丑别谤,”?he said,?“I have been all over Europe and in all the cathedrals I visited, I’ve seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?” The priest smiled and said, “Son, you’re in Ireland now. It’s a local call.” ----- Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. ----- There Is a Monkey in the Bar A monkey goes into a bar looking quite dejected. The bartender notices, and asks him "Why the long face?" The monkey pulls out a bar stool and takes a seat with a heavy sigh, saying "I didn't ask for any of this. I was modified in a lab, given intelligence I never wanted. I was an experiment. A stupid creation. They didn't even stop at making me sentient, they made me an alcoholic, and for what?" He shouts, and throws his beer bottle across the empty bar, it shatters against a wall, and he turns back to the bartender. "I go to the zoo sometimes, just to look at all the monkeys swinging in the trees without a care in the world. I like to think I'm like them, but at the end of the day they're on one side of the glass and I'm on the other." The bartender shakes his head in disbelief and says, "Wow... That's some serious monkey business." ----- Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Received from ArcaMax Jokes. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ And now from Australia Elections The USA's two party system has achieved this already. ? ? ______________________________________ ? ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:dailycleanjokes@groups.io ? Subscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+subscribe@groups.io ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+unsubscribe@groups.io ? Group Owner:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+owner@groups.io ? Help:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+help@groups.io ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |
Daily Clean Jokes and Cartoons for March 12, 2025? ?
? ? ? ?
Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk Miller
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I had hoped the café would perhaps
Show their trick to prevent some prolapse
????????????Of burritos they sold,
????????????But the manager told
Me the secret was?kept?under?wraps.
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Conrad, Bill, Jim got it.
?
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
Banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
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Manufacturing contact lenses is harder than meets the eye.
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The price of shingles is going through the roof.
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Becoming a yoga instructor offers the possibility of a unique teaching position.
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On day three of the corporate conspiracy trial, the star witness began to recant his story.??"Were you aware that both the FBI and the IRS intended to investigate this CPA, starting ASAP?" the judge asked.??"Not initially."
Kirk Miller
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Quotes of the Day:?Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. -- Albert Einstein
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Today's One-Liners:? ?
- Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.
- What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.
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Puns of the Day:?
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Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.
- ? ? ? ?What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.
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A Snail Funny
A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them!
A cop came and questioned the snail: "What happened here?"
The little snail replied, "I don't know -- it all happened so fast."
>>>Today's Thot
My favorite word is drool. It just rolls off the tongue.
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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.
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DeliveryMy normally petite wife grew extremely large during her pregnancy with our second child. By her ninth month she had become accustomed to a lot of attention and good-natured teasing.
One day, just before the baby was due, she went to the post office. Watching her waddle up to his window, the postal clerk quipped, "I'm sorry, but I don't think we can help you here."
Without missing a beat, my wife responded, "But I thought you delivered!"
Received from?GCFL.
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?What do you get when you cross an elephant and a couple of goldfish?
— A pair of swimming trunks.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
— Elephino.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
— A dead ant.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
— A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
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Received from Da Mouse Tracks.
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Stephen Wright has some great short jokes:
"I once bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house."
"I plan on living forever. So far, so good."
"When I was a child we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually."
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Received from Steven Wright.
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On the Lighter Side?
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims
Why do bananas use sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on the farm?
Because the corn has ears, and the potatoes have eyes.
What is a horse’s favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
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?What happened to the man running in front of the car?
--He was tired
What happened to the man running behind the car?
--He was exhausted?
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Received from Reddit Clean.
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A sergeant gives a private a hard time. He says, "Private, I bet you are just waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave!"
The private replied, "No sir, when I get out of the army I am not going to stand in more long, long lines!"
-----
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."
-----
Thought Of The Day:??It's Better to Create
“It’s better to create something that others criticize than to create nothing and criticize others. Go create, have fun!” -- Ricky Gervais?
Received from aJokeADay.com.
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A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"
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After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
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Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
-----
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. |
The Movie Test
This is quite amazing.
My Favorite Movie turned out to be "Forrest Gump".
I was surprised how this worked.
Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite.
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.
Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.
Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9.? Shawshank Redemption
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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| Source: SciTechDaily |
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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Habits Run in the Family? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Direct link:?
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DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for more than 20 years. He's mostly very nice, although he has generalized anxiety disorder. In the past, he threatened to kill someone (not me!) as well as himself and had to be hospitalized. Ninety-nine percent of the time he's friendly and thoughtful, except for one thing: He isn't capable of giving affection, and we haven't had sex in more than a decade. We have seen multiple counselors over the years to no avail. We have tried doctors and meds. I have begged, cried, talked with him and remained celibate always. I met a younger man online who lives overseas, and it was platonic for two years. Suddenly, I realized I had more than platonic feelings for him. We started talking about love to each other. No sex was involved, nor have we exchanged revealing photos. (We are both religious.) I told my husband I want a divorce because I don't believe in cheating and I am totally over him ignoring my needs for so long. My question is, was I wrong? -- MAKING CHANGES IN GEORGIA DEAR MAKING CHANGES: Because your marriage was not fixable, you did the right thing by telling your husband you wanted out. However, as well as you think you know this younger, foreign man whom you have never met, it is extremely important to move slowly from here on. There are so many catfish and romance scams online that, frankly, it's scary. Before making any commitments, romantic or financial, you two need to meet, get to know each other, see how each other lives and what his friends and family are like (and vice versa). I wish you luck, but keep your eyes open. DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced single mom who just purchased a new home. My 23-year-old daughter came home from college a few years ago and is refusing to move out. I understand that rental prices are high and she's saving money, but I can't live with her anymore. Abby, we have very dissimilar lifestyles. My daughter is a slob and refuses to respect my pleas to keep her room and her bathroom (which is also our guest bathroom) clean and tidy. Her room stinks! She spends her days off sitting around on her phone all day. (She does have a job, and she's also active in church.) How can I get her to move instead of me flying off the handle every time she disrespects me? I just want to live in peace in a neat and tidy house. -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA DEAR FRUSTRATED: You have my sympathy. Have a calm talk with your daughter. Point out that she is an adult now, and because her living habits are so different from yours, you are no longer willing to have her stay with you. Offer to help her find another place to live and set a date for her to be out. If she still refuses, you may have to start a formal eviction. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
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Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
?
Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??
??
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?
Today's Clean Pun:??Mouse:?"I hear you volunteered at the monastery's food festival today."
DEAR ABBY: I'm a gay man living in a predominantly straight community. About a year ago, a married couple moved in. One day, the husband asked me to come over and help him put a table together, which I did. He thanked me by opening a bottle of wine. Then he asked me what turns me on. I thought the question was unusual, but I didn't hold back -- I showed him. We've had more encounters since then, and now I'm feeling used and thinking about telling his wife. I think she deserves to know her husband might be gay and sleeping with other men. He used some "gay lingo" that makes me think I may not be the only one. I heard there were some other neighbors talking badly about gays, and he didn't defend or take up for us. That upsets me, too. What do I do? They live a few doors down, and it's uncomfortable when I see him and his wife. She's always waving and is a sweet lady. -- RETHINKING IN FLORIDA DEAR RETHINKING: Your mistake was becoming involved with a married man. You may feel "used," but remember, you went into that affair enthusiastically. I do not think you should be the person to tell his wife her husband might be gay. (He could be bisexual.) The person who delivers that tidbit should be her husband, if she doesn't already know. As for you, it's time to step out of the picture, don't you think? DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old woman who passes for early 30s. I understand that most women would pay money to look 15 years younger than their age, but people often make and voice assumptions about me that are annoying. I have never felt that people take me seriously despite my two master's degrees and the business I started with three locations. For years, I have suffered a constant and insensitive barrage of questions and assumptions about my reproductive status. I have gotten pretty adept at countering "When are you going to have kids?" with "God didn't grant me that superpower, so my husband and I are dog parents who enjoy going on adventures." I am now going through menopause. Despite being on medications to control the symptoms, I often suffer a hot flash at work while meeting with customers. I keep a paper fan at my desk, but I get funny looks from customers when I grab it and start fanning away at my suddenly red and sweaty face. I'll usually smile and ask for a minute to recover from the hot flash, but I am inevitably told that I am "too young" to be experiencing hot flashes. If only that were true. My instinct is to snarkily counter, "Well, my doctor would disagree," but that doesn't sound friendly. What would you recommend as an appropriate response? -- YOUNG-ISH IN MISSOURI DEAR YOUNG-ISH: When you are told you are "too young to be going through menopause," rather than snarl, try smiling and saying, "Tell that to my doctor!" It will get the message across without being confrontational. P.S. People may not be aware that menopause has been known to strike women who are younger than you. |
Give us the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
and pass it on to other folk ...
Daily Clean Jokes for?March 10, 2025??
? ? ? ?
Kirk's Clean Limericks? ??
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On Sunday we got to spring time
Ahead at the two o'clock chime.
? ? ? ? ? ? You set our clock early,
????????????And then you were surely
Known as ahead of our time.
?
Daylight Saving Time really is bright.
We defer until later the night.???????????
????????????With more daylight for me,
????????????I presume that you see
In our household, it's called Miller Light.
?
- Kirk Miller
Why settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns of the Day:?
My bowling league meets every Monday, and I play terribly every time, and it always pisses me off.??My team says I have irritable bowl syndrome.
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Those who study the moon are optimists.??They look at the bright side.
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An auctioneer often looks forbidding.
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A carpenter is a shelf made man.
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When he tripped and fell in the wet concrete, he left a bad impression.
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Kirk Miller
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Quotes of the Day:?
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Today's One-Liner:? ?What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
Do these genes make me look fat??
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A Decision Funny
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A king was quite concerned about a decision he had just made, so much so that went to his chief advisor to ask his opinion of it.
"Yeah, I'd say it's your worst decision yet," the plain-talking advisor replied.
Confused, the king asked, "Yet?"
To which the advisor replied, "Well, it's not so bad that I think you're incapable of making a worse decision."
>>>Today's Thot
I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet.
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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.
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The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic church often showed himself ready and able to deal with any situation that might come up. One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the climax of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to the center aisle, started making loud beeps and brrrmms like a car without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him.
The minister stopped his sermon, pointed severely at his son, and commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your mother on that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and hand her the keys."
The sermon continued undisturbed... after a good laugh by the congregation.
Received from Thomas Ellsworth??via GCFL.
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?A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away.?
“See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”
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Received from Da Mouse Tracks.
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On the Lighter Side?
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?And that's how the fight started ...
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a?Christmas?gift...
?The next? year, I didn't buy her a gift.? When she asked? me why, I replied,
?? ?"Well, you still haven't used the gift I boughimilt you last year!"?
?????? ?And that's how the fight started ...
?
Similarly:
?
Wife to husband: “Last year we bought my mother a chair for Christmas. What should we do this year?”
?
“Electrify it.”
Received from Conrad Macina.
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?A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..."?poof. He disappeared without a tres.
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I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician. Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.
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-Have you heard of Murphy's Law
-Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong
-What's about Cole's law?
-No
-It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream?
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The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
Librarian: "They're right behind you!!".
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What happened to the man running in front of the car?
--He was tired
What happened to the man running behind the car?
--He was exhausted
Received from Reddit Clean.
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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.
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A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked. For the past several weeks I've met several great women. All of them funny and charming, everything a man could ask for."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
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Thought Of The Day:??The Trouble with Reality
"The real trouble with reality is that there is no background music." -- Anonymous
?
Received from aJokeADay.com.
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A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "the piano player."?The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey stole my beer?" The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
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My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
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"Today President Bush sent a congratulatory message to the new president of Azerbaijan. Bush also wished the president of Azerbaijan good luck in his fight against Harry Potter." --Conan O'Brien
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Dog Walker
I’ve wanted a dog for quite a long time, but I feel uncertain about where I’ll be living over the next few years, so I don’t feel ready for the commitment yet.Then today I found an app where you can walk other people’s dogs for free, and I just had the happiest free trial of the experience of having a dog.And now I’m all smiling ...
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
The Jackson Five make their first appearance on The Tonight Show and perform "Never Can Say Goodbye" and "Dancing Machine". Original Airdate: 04/09/1974
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, whom I have known for many years, remarried her ex-husband a few years ago. I didn't know her when she was married to him the first time. My husband and I don't like him. The last time we met for lunch, her husband showed my husband a gun he was carrying in his pocket! Abby, he's an elderly man with a tremor in his hands. She keeps emailing me about the four of us meeting again, and we are both scared to meet them since he's armed and has that tremor. We are afraid it could accidentally go off and shoot one of us. I don't know what to tell her. Any advice? -- FRIGHTENED IN TEXAS DEAR FRIGHTENED: Keep in mind that carrying a gun is legal in Texas. Also, many guns have safety devices so they don't fire accidentally. There is a difference between not liking someone and being afraid of socializing with an armed person. You don't have to sacrifice your long friendship with this woman. If you don't want to see them as a couple, get together with her separately. DEAR ABBY: My son and his wife have quit speaking to my husband and me because I gave them COVID. At their invitation, we took a trip with them to Hawaii. I began feeling ill on the plane and tested positive the next day. A couple days later, my son got sick, and then a few days later, his wife got it. I told them repeatedly how sorry I was that I'd infected them and spoiled their vacation. We always had a close relationship -- frequent phone calls, visits, dinners, etc. -- but for the last six weeks, nothing. He told his brother he was furious because I tried to "kill" them. I'm at a loss about what to do, if anything. What would Dear Abby do? -- GUILTY IN CALIFORNIA DEAR GUILTY: What Dear Abby would do is give your son some time to cool off and then reach out and apologize again. He needs to grow up. You didn't make anyone sick on purpose, and it just as easily could have been your son or daughter-in-law infecting you. DEAR ABBY: I have been in love with a man for more than 30 years. We never married, but he calls me his wife. I'm aware of his infidelity and accept him as-is. I am also involved with my youngest child's father, who I have also been around for 15 years. I'm caught between the two and can't find the way out. My child's father provides financially, but emotionally the man of 30 years is who I want. My problem is, he won't commit. Please help. -- TORN IN WASHINGTON DEAR TORN: If either of these two men wanted marriage, it would have happened years ago. If you really want someone to build a stable future with, look for someone who can give you more stability than these two "prizes." Find a man who is available and willing. Right now, you are just treading water, which will get you no further than you are today. |
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Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
?
Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
Our New Groups Email Addresses
? Post:?mailto:dailycleanjokes@groups.io
? Subscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+subscribe@groups.io
? Unsubscribe:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+unsubscribe@groups.io
? Group Owner:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+owner@groups.io
? Help:?mailto:dailycleanjokes+help@groups.io
?
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??
??
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
?
English Readings for March 10, 2025
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What’s the Right Choice of Friends?
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Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.
—?
I’m thankful to have realized the value of choosing good friends and company. Past experiences and wisdom from mentors have shown me that the people we spend time with can shape our character and outcome in significant ways.
In my younger days I often gravitated toward friends who had interests like mine—but not always the same values. In contrast, I remember a colleague who constantly encouraged me to pursue excellence and integrity. His unwavering support and positive influence spurred me to aim higher and live more faithfully. This clarified for me the importance of surrounding myself with people who uplift and inspire.
Today's proverbs underscores the wisdom in choosing our companions carefully. Walking with the wise not only imparts knowledge but also fosters a life aligned with good principles. Conversely, keeping company with people who reject wisdom (“fools”) can lead to damaging consequences.
Choosing the right friends means seeking out people who exhibit qualities such as honesty, kindness, and faithfulness. These relationships can encourage moral growth and provide support during challenging times. It’s essential to cultivate friendships that reflect honesty and truth, helping us grow into the people we are intended us to be.
Be guided seek relationships that inspire and encourage us to live honestly and truthfully. Protect yourself from harmful influences. Try to reflect your love and wisdom.?
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Voice of the dayI am what what my creator made me to?be. As the potter who shapes us, help us embrace with gratitude that we are who we were made us to be. |
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Worth it
The good you do is worth the trouble. The value created by your efforts is worth the inconvenience.
The experience you’ve gained outweighs the setbacks you’ve gone through. The strength you’ve built has amply rewarded the sacrifices along the way.
Today brings an opportunity to continue investing in life’s goodness and fulfillment. The effort won’t be easy, and will be worth it.
Your life, your world, your purpose, existence itself, all have value and significance. Enjoy the satisfaction of working to preserve that value, to expand that significance.
Each difficulty you encounter enables you to exercise strength, creativity, resourcefulness and more. Rise to the situation, to the moment, to the opportunity.
Every day, every action, every challenge, disappointment, delay, is worth it. Because you have the power and the sense of purpose to make it so.
— Ralph Marston
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How often do we?pause to examine the myths we live by? Sarah Kornfield, a professor in a Michigan College, does just that in her recent book?Invoking the Fathers: Dangerous Metaphors and Founding Myths in Congressional Politics.?James Vining’s review opens Sarah’s book for us.?
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The Waiting Room
My parents had been married for 41 years when both had to undergo biopsies for cancer at the same time. My father was the strong, stoic type and seemed relatively unalarmed about the possibility of prostate cancer. My mother, whose biopsy was for breast cancer, had lost her mother to cancer as a teenager. She was terrified by the thought that either she or Dad might have this dreaded disease.
My siblings and I supported them as best we could. Despite our?caring, none of us had ever experienced cancer or the fear a biopsy?patient feels while waiting for results. We didn’t know how to help them?cope with the fear and tension.
During a visit to Mom’s doctor a week before her biopsy, my parents met another couple, and the four began a friendly conversation. The woman, Jane, immediately began to encourage Mom, telling her how wonderful the doctor was. She explained he had performed her biopsy some weeks earlier and would shortly be performing her mastectomy. Jane had breast cancer! When my parents asked how Jane was doing, she and Steve explained how they were looking forward to shopping for new hats for Jane to wear after she lost her hair. Everything this couple said was upbeat, positive, and encouraging. They gave my parents the feeling that everything would be just fine.
Later that same day, Jane phoned my Mom. The two talked for over an hour. Jane explained what Mom could expect from the biopsy, helping Mom deal with fear of the unknown by sharing her firsthand experiences. As before, Jane helped Mom in a way no one else could because she knew what Mom was going through. In the short time they had spoken, this powerful woman shared her strength with my mother, doing her best to ensure Mom was able to approach the possibility of cancer with strength.
The day of Mom’s biopsy was the day my father was to learn his biopsy results. While Mom was in surgery, Dad would be meeting with his doctor. When Mom and Dad walked into the medical office, they were stunned to see Jane and Steve sitting in the waiting room. They had come to sit with my father while Mom was in surgery. Even though Mom’s surgery was delayed a few hours, they stayed. It was clear that no matter what my parents experienced, this incredible couple had decided they would be there. Although Jane herself was about to undergo radical treatment for breast cancer, those two wonderful people focused their attention on others who needed help.
Fate smiled on my parents that day. Their biopsies showed that neither had cancer. Perhaps more impressively, though, the human spirit soared that day, thanks to a couple willing to share strength they would both need in the days to come because they met two people they felt needed it more.?Thankful for Oatmeal
From Chicken Soup for the Soul: 101 Ways to Think Positive
By Carolyn Bolz
Showing gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful things humans can do for each other.
~Randy Pausch
“Good morning, Miss Bolz.” A friendly man in his early twenties greeted me as he placed a breakfast tray on the table next to my bed. I struggled to sit up, but after being hospitalized several days for severe breathing difficulties, my body was still very weak.
Now, I was in a convalescent home, and I dreaded staying here until I could gain enough strength to return to my apartment. Most of the other patients in the facility looked as if they were old enough to be my parents. And the two elderly women who were sharing my room kept me up every night with moans and screams. My nerves were shot, and I felt very sleep-deprived.?
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Competitive Yoga
From Chicken Soup for the Soul: Shaping the New You
By Theresa Hupp
Working hard becomes a habit, a serous kind of fun. You get self-satisfaction from pushing yourself to the limit, knowing that all the effort is going to pay off.
~Mary Lou Retton
In my 40s, I started gaining weight. Not a lot, but the upward creep of the scale was inexorable, pound after pound, year after year. My clothes were tight, but I refused to buy a larger size. I’d gone up a size in my 30s after childbirth, and I wouldn’t do it again.
When I hit my 47th birthday, I weighed just five pounds less than I’d weighed immediately before giving birth to an eight and a half pound baby. I had to start exercising. It was that or stop eating chocolate.?
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When?you talk with your kids about sex matters.?How?you do it is just as important. ? In this episode of the?All Pro Dad Podcast, host Ted Lowe is joined by renowned family expert Jim Burns, founder of?HomeWord, to pinpoint when the right time is to bring up the topic of sex with your kids and how to handle such a touchy subject. We get it. This can be intimidating for dads, but conversations about sex must be handled well. ? We know this can be uncomfortable, but if we don’t tackle this topic with our children someone else surely will. You may not like what they teach your kid!? |
APD Pro Move:??Ask your kids, "What do you think about ______?" with no planned response.? ? "Kids want your wisdom, not your lecture." – Jim Burns |
When I became a mom, I thought I knew exactly what would fill my heart with gratitude: holding my baby, watching her first steps, and hearing Reese say “Mama.” It turns out that gratitude doesn't just live in those picture-perfect moments. ? It's also hiding in the everyday ones that seem so ordinary—the morning rush of making breakfast, the little chats during a diaper change, and even the lack of privacy. (Mom, that’s a testament to how much our kids need and love us!) Some of my most thankful moments come wrapped in the most unlikely packages. Being a grateful mother isn't just about the firsts and milestones—. |
You Might Also Like |
Ask Your Child |
What’s one thing in our home that you feel lucky to have? ? |
The Day You Were Born Conversation StartersKids love to hear stories about when they were born.?. |
By Michael Roizen, M.D.
Vegetarian Meat was a much-praised rock band out of Ohio in the 1990s. And since the 2010s, some folks have been singing the praises of vegetarian meat that's showing up on menus and in grocery stores. But are these current forms of ultra-processed meat substitutes out of tune with healthy nutrition? Yes indeed.
A new study in Food Frontiers reveals that vegetarians who eat these plant-based meat alternatives are 42% more likely to contend with depression than vegetarians who ...