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Daily Clean Jokes for Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for March 20, 2025

 

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for March 20, 2025? ? ? ? ? ?


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Kirk's Clean Limericks? ? ??

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IQ tests have created suspense

In the town, so I guess it makes sense

????????????That if scores are quite low,

????????????Then the people should know

That the town's population?is?dense.

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Jim, Conrad, Grover, Carol, Lee, Chris, Bill, Dick got it.


Kirk Miller

Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Kirk's Puns of the Day


Message Body

That bimbo is such a poor poker player I could probably beat her blonde folded.

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After serving faithfully for 30 years at his Fort Knox guard post, Albert finally reached the mandatory retirement age.??What did they give him???A gold watch.

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Although she'd sworn never to let any man get under her skin, it was clear from the start that she had designs on this guy.

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Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks -- it's all lice.

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Several elderly nuns were on the second floor of the convent when a fire broke out.??The nuns calmly took off their habits, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window to safety.??When they were on the ground, a reporter asked them, "Weren't you afraid the rope might break since the material is so old?"??"Heavens, no," said one of the nuns, "Old habits are hard to break."

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Kirk Miller

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Humorous Quotes

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every?now?and then she stops?to breathe.?-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds?back.?-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four?essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and?fat.?-- Alex Levine

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?A Hunt Funny


Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer.

"The plane won't carry six deer, you'll have to leave two of them," said the pilot, trying to be friendly.

Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said "We got six on the plane last year."

The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, "Any idea where we are?"

The second hunter said, "Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year."

>>>Today's Thot

My twin brother called me from prison. He said: "You know how we finish each other's sentences?"


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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

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Does God Hear?

A man used to grumble at the food his wife placed before him at meal time. Then he would ask the blessing.

One day after his usual combination complaint and prayer his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"

"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."

"And does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"

"Yes, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.

Innocently she burst his bubble with her next question. "Then which does God believe?"

Received from Monday Fodder?via GCFL.

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?1. What’s a mouse’s favorite game?

Hide and squeak

2. Why are all elephants console gamers?
‘Cause they’re afraid of the mouse

?3. What did the big mouse say to the little mouse?

Pip, squeak

4. What did the mouse say to the ant crossing the street?
Hello, fellow road-ant

5. What mouse leaves blue marks everywhere?
A bluetooth mouse

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.

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On the Lighter Side

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Received from Phyllis Ingram

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Long friendships are built on laughter, tears, shared memories, and countless conversations. With care and effort, they can last a lifetime.


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?A Blonde and a Lawyer

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.

" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.?

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Received from Reddit Clean.

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They told me, "Follow your dreams..."

So I went back to bed.

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Young Husband (in the early morning): "It must be time to get up."

Wife: "Why do you say that?"

Husband: "Baby's fallen asleep."

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Thought Of The Day:

Lending You Money

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

— Bob Hope

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)...

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

"Picabo, ICU..."

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Thought Of The Day:

Just Play

“Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.”

--? Michael Jordan

Received from aJokeADay.

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In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.


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Bubba and Billy Bob


While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.


They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.


The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.


Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.


Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.? About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.


Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied: "Great!, I love spaghetti!


"Billy Bob asked Bubba "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?"


Not so good," replied Bubba,"I'm thinking 'bout switching back to paper


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Josh Who?


My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account.

Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

Then she asked for his department, and I said that I didn't know that either.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."


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For the Kids


Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!

Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
What sister?

Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth ...

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I?m invisible
Who said that?


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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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Late Night writer John Lutz shares how he gets inspiration from Maker's Mark's red wax design before sharing a glass with Seth.


Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Finding Blessings in Tough Times
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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 27 years. Most of them have been miserable. My husband has been a functioning alcoholic for more than 40 years. I consider his behavior emotionally abusive. I hate my home. My kids (22, 19 and 17) don't want me to leave him. I live in my bedroom all day by myself except to go to work. He now says he wants to take a pill to stop drinking. It's just another lie. He will never do it. I am a shell of a woman at 56 and want to end it all. I am so miserable I can't do another year of this. -- CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS

DEAR CAN'T: You shouldn't have to "do" another year of this. Consult a lawyer about a legal separation and move out. Tell your well-meaning children that you may return when their father can prove that he has quit drinking. If he takes the meds, once he sobers up, he may be less emotionally abusive. (Don't count on it.) However, if he fails to follow through, file for divorce.



DEAR ABBY: I was invited to my niece's wedding, and we immediately RSVP'd "yes." I was also invited by her sister to her bridal shower and responded affirmatively. I have a service dog I take with me everywhere. I advised both parties that I was bringing him.

The sister told me I was uninvited or could leave my service dog outside on the porch. Now, a month later, three months after saying yes to the wedding, I am being told I'm uninvited to the wedding because of my service dog. Am I expected to still give a wedding gift? I had planned to give my niece my sterling silver dinner set. What do I do now? -- GOING, NOT GOING, IN ILLINOIS

DEAR GOING: Forget about the shower and wedding gift. If you feel generously inclined, send the happy couple a nice card. If your animal is, indeed, a trained service dog to help you should you need it, it was wrong to rescind your invitation(s). Your dog would have been well behaved and wouldn't have caused a distraction.



DEAR ABBY: My 32-year-old son is not speaking to me, his father and sister because I finally refused to give him more money. I have always helped him with his finances while he spent his money foolishly. It has been nine months since we have spoken or seen each other. He has two children, so we have no contact with them, either.

I want to tell him how foolish he is, but I don't feel I should have to apologize to him. He's jealous of his sister and feels we do everything for her. We have always done exactly the same for both of our children. My daughter rarely borrows money, but if she does, it is returned quickly.

Should I wait until my son misses us enough to contact us on his own or reach out to him? He is very stubborn, and this may go on for years. -- SADDENED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SADDENED: Call your spoiled, entitled son. Tell him you love him, but that you're not changing your stance on the money issue. After that, the ball is in his court.

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By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D.

In 2022-2023, almost 3.5 million girls and just over 4.5 million boys participated in high school sports. That's a lot of soccer, softball, basketball and football (including 4,094 girls on 11-player high school tackle football teams, and 42,955 girls playing flag football).

That's wonderful -- it means they're getting physical exercise that helps develop a healthy brain and body. But it takes the right kind of fuel to get those benefits and, unfortunately, a new study in Nutrients ...

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Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

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PASS IT ON!

Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??

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