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(sent for anonymous posting) I’ve been reading—a LOT—at your site lately, with a heavy focus on happiness and peace. I’m trying to keep my head up as my oldest (18) takes another tour through depression. There have been so many quotes in different places where I have this vague “*that*—we don’t have THAT,” or “this isn’t happening over here…,” always in an ephemeral, can’t quite nail it down kind of way. But today I read on the radical unschooling FB group a quote (from a few weeks back, from Jo Isaac, to a mom who wrote in): “Is she happy? Is she thriving?” And I thought, THAT! That’s it. No. No, he’s not. So if I can pose a question to the Always Learning group (honestly, I might have asked before…..I know I’ve sought answers in various places over the years; I don’t THINK I’ve asked here): How do you unschool a teen through depression? When so little lights them up and interests them; when there’s so little they’re passionate about? When I hear (repeatedly) how exercise will help, but I can’t force him to exercise? (Or get outside in the sunshine—another example.) We do still have a truly good relationship—I’m the soft spot for him to land in all this, and I’m grateful that he’s willing to open up to me and thankful I can be there for him through all the yuck. But I want to do more to help than simply be a steadying presence (even if that is a good thing to be). I want to help bring him back to enjoying life, if that’s possible. Brief answers to potential questions: yes, he’s on meds; no, hasn’t seen a counselor in awhile (tho he used to); and there are two younger siblings who are thriving (which I sometimes think makes things worse, as he watches them have so much fun in their days). Any thoughts? ________________ end of quote; reminder that it's another mom, not my own question _______________________

This was sent to me, for sharing, by someone who understands unschooling well. She wrote it carefully so as not to be identified, so it's not about who it is. There are ideas to help anyone, at any level of unschooling, and the writing is nice. _______________________________________________________________ The kids (ages 12 and 14) and I have been watching “The Goldbergs”. We all love the show and as someone who grew up in the 80’s (the show is set in the 80’s) it’s been so fun and nostalgic. My dad has generously been doing work on our house for the last 9 days. He’s about half way done. He prefers to work without our help. This afternoon the kids and I were watching The Goldbergs in front of the fire on the couch (that we so carefully picked out for the ultimate coziness and snugliness. It’s a corner sectional with a chaise.) We have lots of blankets and pillows and our gas fireplace throws the coziest light. I was crocheting. We had popcorn and fruit and cookies and seltzer. This is a very typical at home day for us. Yesterday we were out all day with friends, as we will be tomorrow. This is the rhythm of our life. When my dad came down from upstairs earlier, to the scene of pure connection and peacefulness it occurred to me he’d probably never seen a family live this way before. Not just a life without school—but a family who is so calm and loves being together so much. A dad who doesn’t need or want a man cave, but instead pops out of his home office any chance he gets to hang out with his family. My childhood was harmful, chaotic, and dysfunctional. In all honesty it was abusive. I’m not mad at my parents anymore. I now understand that they really were doing the best they could. My parents divorced when I was in my late twenties. The cool thing about my dad is that even though he’ll surely judge some of what he saw today as laziness and other negativity, I know he was grateful to see how much peace has come to our family. That the only lineage he knew has ended with me. He doesn’t understand it. But I know his gratitude comes from his very core. It occurred to me today, after he’d gone back upstairs, while I watched the clothes, furniture, music, and toys from my childhood on the screen in front of me—just how powerful learning to unschool well really is. How worthy all the work I put in is. How we have literally changed the world by starting with my own family. I’m getting all choked up writing this. I could go on with specifics about how it’s improved with my relationship with my parents and friends (because I’ve changed how I interact), but really, what’s amazing me in this moment is how healing this is. We talk about that often and it is so true. I think it felt profound today because I was watching a show set in the era of the heart of my own lousy childhood, with my dad upstairs working, while I was living so peacefully and beautifully with my own family on a Wednesday afternoon. I could be wrong about my dad appreciating the peaceful life we live. He comes from a generation and family belief system that worth only comes from working ourselves to the literal bone. Not because we need the money, but because it’s the only honorable way to live a life. He very well could be thinking that I’m raising lazy, privileged people. And you know what? It’s okay with me if he does. I’ve done enough work to know what he thinks of me and my family has nothing to do with me and my family. It’s better for me to believe he’s deeply grateful. So I do. Because it’s more peaceful. For anyone reading who is just starting out, you have choices. You can yell and scream that what you are doing “IS UNSCHOOLING”. You can yell and scream that “THERE IS NO ONE RIGHT WAY TO UNSCHOOL”. You can yell and scream all you want. It won’t bring you peace. It won’t get you the cozy, beautiful life you might’ve caught a glimpse of. That takes work. Reading, watching, trying, waiting. Little by little. Over time. An ever present and arching-over-everything commitment to doing the work you need to do to get here. Sure, I know I have changed the world by starting with myself and my own family. That’s awesome. Know what I love more, though? This gorgeous, beautiful, spectacular, happy world I live in. I didn’t have it when I was a kid—though I always wanted it with my whole self—but I have it now. Even better, my kids have it now. There’s nothing in this world I’d ever want more. _______________________________ If you read through this quickly, consider reading it again, slowly. Maybe aloud, even if only to yourself. Maybe tomorrow. It has jewels. I can't thank and credit the mom in public, but I will do so on the side for all of you. :-) Sandra

Analysis of a misunderstanding (or something). I've just finished rearranging and cleaning up the main monkeyplatter page. One link went to a now-defunct blog, but my practice is to provide a link if I can, through the Internet Archive's Wayback Machine. When I found the post, I had chosen one later than the one I'd first seen. The mom had abandoned her use of monkey platters (and she didn't call them that in the first place, though pretty clearly that's the idea she was working with). I wasn't surprised, after seeing how she limited her kids in the first place. I hope the author is hidden/buried. I'm not interested in who it was, except that it was a homeschooler who had no mention of unschooling in her description or sidebar, and the blog is gone. For fun, or for practice, maybe you could read to see what problems this use could create. If you want to lift a line or phrase and shine an unschooling light on it, feel free to tear it up. There won't be feelings hurt; it's old and the blog's gone and they weren't unschoolers, but What If they WERE? (for purposes of dissection) ______________________________ Our Munchie Platter Mar 9th, 2008 An online friend recommended this a while ago and it works so well for our family. My kids used to constantly ask me “what can I eat?” and pester me for snacks between meals. Then I saw a post about leaving healthy snacks out on a platter for kids to visit any time they wanted. I grabbed a plastic 4-compartment party tray that had been headed out as a donation, and our munchie platter was born. I try to stock it with all healthy foods, things that I’d serve for meals. They’re often organic and are low in sugar and fat. I also try to offer a balance of veggies, fruits, protein and carbs. Lastly, I aim for a rainbow to get a good mix of nutrients– green, orange, red, brown, etc. Here’s some common fillers here: frozen peas raisins cut oranges organic low-sugar, whole grain cereals dried berries cheese cubes (only once a day since it’s high in calories & fat) frozen corn sunflower seeds canned organic green beans edamame dried apple slices melon cubes baby carrots celery sticks fresh seasonal fruit plain popcorn Once something is eaten up, then the kids have to either eat what’s left or wait till later when it’s filled. An hour before dinner, only veggies are on it. I really don’t care if my kids “fill up” on frozen peas or baby carrots before dinner. I’m amazed at how smoothly our days go now that the munchie platter is part of our routine. The kids are easily getting in their recommended servings of veggies and fruits now, and it’s made life much easier for me. Update: Now that we have 4 kids munching, this has worked less and less well. Kids would gobble up one item and practically crush each other to get to the “good stuff” before the others ate it all. I find it much easier and more fair to just make up little snack plates a couple of times a day for each child. Posted in cooking/home ec, nutrition | No Comments ______________ end of that quote _________________________ The page in its new-improved state is https://sandradodd.com/eating/monkeyplatter and I think it should even work on phones. :-)

*Brought anonymously at the request of the author:* My kids are 11 and 6, and since they were born, my husband and I have valued “Always Saying Yes!” to their interests and desires. Like many here know, sometimes this means saying Yes to a safer variation of their desire or timing that fits the family team, but we usually follow their interests and find the excitement within. We currently unschool and have parented with attachment in mind from the beginning. (Both of us were parented more traditionally and went to public school.) In the last few years, I’ve noticed the theme of “grandparents are meant to spoil their grandkids” within our families and also in the larger mainstream culture in the U.S. Often quoted memes like “If I’d known grandkids were so much fun, I would have had them first” seem to point to a belief that parents are supposed to be the strict ones who say no to their kids and do all the discipline, and grandparents are supposed to the ones who say yes. Because our kids are growing up within a family culture of trust, genuine consideration for their requests, and saying yes whenever possible, I’ve noticed that our parents don’t necessarily have much room to do any “spoiling” or “indulging.” In fact, it’s often the grandparents who enforce rules that they consider important, like “no dessert before dinner” or “only one scoop of ice cream/piece of candy.” (Their rules often are about food, interestingly enough.) It feels like the stereotypical roles (grandparents who spoil vs. strict parents) have been reversed in our family, and I’ve noticed that sometimes it seems to leave our parents adrift and a bit confused about what kind of relationship they’re supposed to have with our kids. I’m curious about how other families have navigated this dynamic, and how they’ve nurtured grandparent-grandchild relationships with their parents. How do you help them interact in ways that go beyond simply “spoiling the grandkids”? ________________________ end of quote ____________________ Not my writing, but my name will show as the one who posted. —Sandra

Dear all, I'm looking for help to deal with an overwhelming sense of boredom and lack of purpose. I have been dealing with terminal illnesses in the family for several years, my husband's depression and then mine. No one has been almost dying for a few months now, we are both stable, without medication, the children are fine. I don't have the sense of urgency anymore but I don't feel good either, like there's no purpose in my life. I wonder if anyone here has experienced this feeling of emptiness after years of diffiuculties? How did you found back the joy of little things in your daily life? Covid was not helpfull, it's being a long time since we travelled, went to museums or the movies. The fact thar we lost a big part of our income is not helping either. I am 44 years old, my husband is 47 years old, the children are 12 and 7 years old. Everyone at home feels good, enjoys their daily lives but my husband starts to get worried because I'm not 100% present, I feel tired and unmotivated (developed enphisema in the last 2 years what doesn't help). I also have this sense that i don't really know what happened in my life in the past couple of years and that i should be doing something but not sure what. I'm married with the man i love, we are raising our childre the way we think is rigth, i wish i did not have this feeling that something is missing. Thank you for your kind words. Cátia Maciel -- Cátia Maciel