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Daily Clean Jokes for March 31, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ?

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Today's Clean Limerick? ? ? ? ? ?

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Man did something that was rather dumb:

Hit his head on a doorway; it's numb.

????????????To get what he was due,

????????????Man decided to sue

And he settled for?a?big?lump?sum.

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Conrad and Dick got it.

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Kirk Miller

Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Kirk's Pun of the Day:?

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Hyena tree was a sign saying there was a gnu restaurant at the zoo.??I called the gorilla my dreams, the one I have strong felines for, and invited heron her sister to gopher lunch.??The restaurant was on the other side of town so we got into macaw to go there.??The traffic was light so the driving was not aardvark and before we newt we were there.??After we arrived and were seated, the waiter turned tortoise and said, "We have a new cuckoo can prepare anything.? Just tell us what you want.??I replied, "Rhino what I want. Iguana have a hot dog with mastodon it."??Then the gorilla my dreams toad me, "Ewe must be kitten me.??Vulture up to???If you want a hot dog, alpaca picnic lunch for you.??This is a nice restaurant, and you should otter something else."??Amoeba dense but I am not hard of herring and I can take a hint.??I decided to do the rat thing.??I assumed the waiter was not telling lice about the cook, and although I haddock before, I ordered the same thing as the gorilla my dreams.??I did it on porpoise.??After all, I thought, toucan order the same dish.??I would be lion if I said the lunch was a turtle success.??The food was good, but I was in the doghouse for my behavior.??Actually it is only a myna problem.??Next week I am going to salmon up my courage to take another tern at dining out.

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That's probably enough for today, eh?

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Quote of the Day:? ?"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.." --?Theodore Roosevelt.

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Today's One-Liners:? ?

1. I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone.
2. What’s another word for Thesaurus?
3. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

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PERKS OF BEING 50 OR OLDER

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run...anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

>>>Today's Thot

I'm as swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. Eight days ago.

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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

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A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."

The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."

?Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL.

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Doggies Spa (Spaw) Day

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Received from Phyllis Ingram

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The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the emergency room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated by a doctor.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No," replied the man. "It's my ball."

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Husband: For Pete’s sake, can’t you keep one lousy checkbook straight?!?

Wife: Now, hold it a darn second! I got myself a pocket computer and I meticulously added every deposit and subtracted every check! So I don’t believe you when you say I made a mistake!

Husband: Oh yeah? I’ll bet you money that you’re overdrawn!

Wife: Okay, how much do you want to bet?!?

Husband: Sixty-three dollars and twenty-seven cents!!

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Thought Of The Day:??Man's Best Friend

“The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.”

- Doug Larson

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Received from aJokeADay.com.

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Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

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What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
Lumpy milkshakes!

What is the definition of a goose?
An animal that grows down as it grows up!

Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep?
She had a crook with her!

What do you give a pony with a cold?
Cough Stirrup!

What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on?
A horse!

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It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."

Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and ...

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Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-...

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?

A 2024 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that around one in nine kids, ages 3 to 17, have been diagnosed with ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and that's over a million more than were identified with the condition in 2016.

Better recognition of the condition may be one reason for the increase, but it may also result from increased exposure in utero to substances that cause neurological changes. One startling new finding is that when ...

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Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

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PASS IT ON!

Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??

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