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Today’s Clean Jokes for Tuesday, November 19, 2019? ? ? ??

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Today’s Clean Limerick:? Hang Loose

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The amusement ride stops; people fret.

"Hanging basket we're in," asks Annette,

??????????? "Will it get to the top?"

??????????? The reply from her Pop:

"I suppose it's as Ferris wheel get."

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Amazingly, antelope stew

Is supposedly better for you

Than a goulash of rat

Or Hungarian cat;

But I guess that you probably gnu

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Kirk Miller; Haiku and Limericks

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Quote of the Day:? People can't drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys. -- Mike Becht

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Today's One-Liner:? A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

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The Tired Dog

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An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was taken care of.

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He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner of the sofa and fell asleep.

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An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

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The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot on the sofa and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

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Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

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The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

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Received from Laugh & Lift

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*Beer Special*

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That new bar down the street is running a GREAT special...

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Buy one beer for the price of two and receive a second beer absolutely FREE!

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Don’t Mess with Natives

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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

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"What is it made of?" she asked.

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"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

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"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as

pearls do to us."

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"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

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Noah Today

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This would be hilarious if there weren't so much truth in it.

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In the year 2019, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Oregon and said:?? "Once again, the earth has become evil and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

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Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

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"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

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"I needed a Building Permit."

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"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

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"My neighbors claim that I've violated the Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding?? the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

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"Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boat load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

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"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

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"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and? inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

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"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

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"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

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"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

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"The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."

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"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

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"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

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"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

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Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

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"No," said the Lord.

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"The Government beat me to it."

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Received from The Laughing Place.

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Groaner: Socks

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The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"

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"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."

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"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."

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"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"

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Received from Stan Kegel via GCFL.

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Thank God for dirty dishes, they have a tale to tell.

While others may go hungry, we've eaten very well.

With home, health & happiness; I shouldn't want to fuss.

By the stack of evidence. God's been very good to us.

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It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived

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Received from Da Mouse Tracks

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On the Lighter Side

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Why is there an expiration date for sour cream?

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Punny

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Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

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Cutting Stone

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Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

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Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

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Thank You for This Food

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A 4 year old boy was asked to give thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

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Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.

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After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

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AFactADay.com ... How Fast Can Mosquitos Fly?

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How fast can a mosquito fly? Truth is, not fast at all. Mosquitoes fly at a blazing speed of… are you ready for this… 1.5 miles per hour! Yeah, you won’t see them setting any speed records anytime soon.

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Received from aJokeADay.com

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Football and Confession

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Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest.

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At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

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"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

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"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

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"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the . . . in a sensitive area."

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"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

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"Southern Methodist."

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"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

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Get a Haircut

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

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After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

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The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

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To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

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Jumping on Beds

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Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.

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Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds.

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Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"

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He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

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Phone Call

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A young boy answers the phone.

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A man says, "Hello is your dad around?"

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The boy whispers, "Yes."

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The man then asks if he can talk to him.

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"He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers.

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"Then is your mom there?"

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"Yes" the boy whispers.

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"Can I talk to her?"

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"No, she's busy," the boy whispers.

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"Is there anyone else there?"

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"Yes" whispered the boy.

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"Who?" the man asked.

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"A policeman," came the whispered reply.

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"Well, can I talk to him?"

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"He's busy too," the boy whispered.

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"Is there anyone else there then?"

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"Yes" whispered the boy.

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"Who then?" the man asked.

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"A fireman," the boy whispered.

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"Can I talk to him?"

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"No," the boy whispered, "he's busy."

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Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing.

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"Looking for me." the boy whispered.

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Received from ArcaMax Jokes

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(From the Archives)

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Praise The Lord

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There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts, "Praise the Lord!"

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The atheist yells back, "There is no God."

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She does this every morning with the same result.

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As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says, "Praise the Lord."

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The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there are the groceries she asked for. Happily, she shouts, "Praise the Lord!!!"

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The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries. There is no God!"

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The lady looks at him, smiles, looks upward and shouts, "Praise the Lord! Not only did you provide for me, you made the devil pay for the groceries!!"

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Received from HaHaFunnies

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Trivia Bits

Each year, more than 600 million (possibly more than 1 billion) birds in North America die by flying into glass windows. Reflections off closed windows in daytime, and interior and exterior lighting at night, can make clear glass windows undetectable to birds in flight. Only habitat loss and cats are responsible for more bird deaths per year.

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Jazz great Charlie Parker is best known for playing which musical instrument?

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A) Drums

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B) Piano

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C) Saxophone

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D) Trumpet

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Answer:? Jazz great Charlie Parker played the saxophone.

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What’s on the Web?

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Indonesian store and tiny restaurant in NYC

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"CONFUCIUS SAY ..."???

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"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there."

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"Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants”

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Received from Stan Kegel.

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Annie’s Mailbox

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Dear Annie: I have a dear friend who means a lot to me. "Sherri" moved in with her boyfriend, and as their relationship began to spiral downward, they started seeing other people while still living together. Some of this was done without the other's knowledge, although each of them has been caught by the other on several occasions.?

Sherri has been pressuring her boyfriend to stay faithful to her and cease contact with his other girlfriends. But at the same time, she confides in me about her ongoing intimate relationships with several other men in her life, for which she feels no remorse or guilt.?

This is my problem: While she is sharing her happy escapades with me and admitting she has no intention of ending her other relationships, she asks me almost daily for advice on keeping him "in line" and making him stop seeing other girls. I have managed to remain diplomatic with my responses, saying, "You both need to decide what works for you individually, and either agree to an open relationship or part ways." But she still bombards me daily for advice. She doesn't seem to grasp that relationships are a two-way street.?

I do not want to ruin an otherwise wonderful friendship by saying, "Don't ask him to stop cheating if you are not willing to do the same," which is what I really want to say. Any suggestions on how to reply to her constant nagging for support and advice? -- Trying To Be a Good Friend?

Dear Friend: You don't ruin a friendship by being honest, as long as you aren't unkind. When Sherri asks how to get her boyfriend to stop cheating, ask her whether she is willing to do the same. If she says no, simply reply that she seems confused and maybe this guy isn't the best match for her. To demand fidelity without reciprocating creates a level of mistrust that is a poor basis for a relationship.?

Dear Annie: Your answer to Kids and Dogs and Neighbors, Oh My, whose yard was constantly being trespassed upon by the neighbor's kids, was too nice. She should not have to go through all that you suggest to get relief. She should give the parents one last warning that the next time their kids trespass, the police will be called. She has worked hard to make her home the way she likes it and has no obligation to protect it from invaders. That is what the law is for.?

I had the same issue because I have a creek that passes through my property. After many unsuccessful attempts to be nice, a call to the local police department resulted in a swift, sure and permanent solution to the problem. -- Pittsburgh, Penn.?

Dear Pittsburgh: Many readers agreed with you, but when trying to maintain good relations with a neighbor, as well as one's pretty lawn, we always suggest kindness before resorting to the police. Asking the neighbors to keep their kids off the grass was a decent first step, but it's inadequate, as anyone with young kids understands. If the additional suggestions we offered still don't accomplish the appropriate result, calling the police is always an option. Here's one more:?

Dear Annie: Grass will grow back. There used to be plenty of kids in my yard, but they've grown up, and my yard is quiet. I long for the joy of having children play on my lawn again. The grass has grown back, and now all we do with it is mow it. There are no kids, and there's no noise. I wish I had a few running in my yard again, tearing up that perfect lawn. -- An Old Grandpa?

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Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@..., or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at .

COPYRIGHT 2019

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Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.

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Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??

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