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Today's Clean Jokes for Monday, November 18, 2019
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Monday, November 18, 2019 ? ? Today’s Clean Limerick: ?He was a man of high caliber ? Man had failed to be optimistic About gun laws.? They're just sadistic. ??????????? NRA was doing ??????????? What the man was ruing. He got angry and went ballistic. ? Kirk Miller; Haiku and Limericks ? ----- ? Limericks I cannot compose With noxious smells in my nose; ????????? But this one was easy ????????? I only felt queasy Because I was sniffing my toes. ? ? Quote of the Day:? I was told over and over again that I would never be successful, that I was not going to be competitive and the technique was simply not going to work. All I could do was shrug and say 'We'll just have to see.? — Dick Fosbury, Who won an Olympic gold medal at the 1968 Mexico games after inventing a revolutionary high-jump technique?? (B - 1947)? American retired high jumper ? ? Today's One-Liner:? A closed mouth gathers no foot. ? ? The Squirrel Question ? A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. ? On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. ? "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..." ? Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. ? "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" ? Received from Laugh & Lift ? ? A Decision Funny ? A middle-aged man dies, and soon finds himself with both St. Peter and the devil. St. Peter asks his name. And he says, "Bower, Johnny Bower." And St. Peter says, "Johnny Bower? Oh, I’m so sorry, you’re not supposed to die for another 5 years. We'll have to send you back down." ? Mr. Bower is overjoyed, but he notices the two doors leading to Heaven and Hell, and hears what sounds like a party behind the door to Hell. He asks if he can go over and just look around. The devil says, "Of course, but just for a few minutes." So he goes over and finds an incredible party going on, with wonderful food and drinks, and everyone obviously having a great time. He says to himself, "If this is Hell, I want to be part of it!" ? So when he gets back to earth, he sins his brains out for the next 5 years, doing every immoral thing imaginable to be sure he winds up in Hell. And sure enough, 5 years to the day later, he’s facing the devil again in front of the door to Hell. As the door opens, he hears no music, and there is no food or a party. There are just these flames leaping out from the door. In disbelief, he asks, "Where’s the party? Where are all the people having fun?" The devil grins and says, "Oh, you fell for that? Well, 5 years ago you were a prospect. Now you’re a customer." ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ? ? Silly Jokes 1 ? What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear! ? Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy! ? To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word! ? What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom ? What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 ? Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it. ? I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now. ? Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction. ? How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents! ? What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two! ? A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside. ? Received from like_a_boss via GCFL. ? ? Pancakes ? Six year old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard, and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor. He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten. ? Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. ? He wanted this to be something very good for his Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad. He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove, (and he didn't know how the stove worked)! ? Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. ? Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. ? Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him, and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process. ? That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess sometimes. Our marriage gets all sticky, or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour. Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. ? That's when God picks us up and loves. But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. ? Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried … ? Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. ? ? Rules Kids Won't Learn in School ? Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1. ? Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1) ? Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label. ? Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going to ask how you? feel about it. ? Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Fifty Cent all weekend. ? ----- ? Today's Eye-Roller ? The homeless man stopped a man on the street and asked, "Will you please give me $4,000 to buy a cup of coffee?" ? "What?" asked the man. "Isn't that a lot of money for a cup of coffee?" ? "Yes," said the bum, "but I like to eat in drive-in restaurants, and I don't own a car!" ? ---- ? Puzzle #3: BB's By Will Shortz ? Each answer is a two-syllable word or name in which each syllable starts with the letter B. Example: Spine: Backbone ? 1. Goof 2. British policeman 3. popular doll 4. Lightweight furniture material 5. Major commercial city of India (old spelling) 6. Kind of belt 7. Large monkey 8. Sewing machine attachment 9. Sinclair Lewis novel 10. Clip joint operator 11. Criticism 12. Chocolate treat 13. Weightlifter's weight 14. Alcoholic drink or a French royal house 15. Hotel employee 16. Kind of chair 17. How Lady Godiva rode 18. Famous pirate 19. Black and yellow insect (three syllables) 20. Kind of account (three syllables) ? Answers: ? 1. Boo-boo 2. Bobby 3. Barbie 4. Bamboo 5. Bombay 6. Bible 7. Baboon 8. Bobbin 9. Babbitt 10. Barber 11. Brickbat 12. Bonbon 13. Barbell 14. Bourbon 15. Bellboy 16. Beanbag 17. Bareback 18. Blackbeard 19. Bumblebee 20. Blow-by-blow ? (John Allen) ? Received from the Laughing Place ? ? On the Lighter Side ? Joe:? That doesn't look much like a police dog. ? Moe:? Of course not.? He's undercover. ? ? Punny ? Nothing is made in America anymore.? I just bought a TV and it says "Built-in Antenna".? I don’t even know where that is. ? ? Tech Support ? Tech: "Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?" ? User: (describes problem) ? Tech: (rattles off computer jargon) ? User: "Sorry, I don't understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" ? Tech: "Okay... 'Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'" ? ----- ? Sorry About the Weight ? My husband was going on a diet, but when we pulled into a fast-food restaurant, he ordered a milkshake. I pointed out that a shake isn't exactly the best snack for someone who wants to lose weight. He agreed, but he didn't change his order. ? The long line must have given him time to make the connection between his order and his waistline. As the woman handed him his shake, she said, "Sorry about the wait." ? "That's okay," he replied. "I'm going to lose it." ? ----- ? AFactADay.com ... World’s First Speed Limit ? The world’s first speed limit was established in the United Kingdom in 1861. The Locomotive Act of 1861 set the speed limit on open roads at 10 mph (miles per hour). By 1903 the legal speed limit had gone up to 20 mph. ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ? Science Lesson ? A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." ? "Yes," the class said. ? "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" ? A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." ? ----- ? Home Cooked Meal ? A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? ? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?" ? He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. ? "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. ? "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. ? "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...." ? ----- ? New Son-In-Law ? A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." ? The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." ? "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." ? "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." ? "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" ? "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out." ? ----- ? Bumper Snickers ? Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? ? Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. ? Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. ? Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. ? ----- ? Late Night Funnies ? The president called the hearing a joke, a sham and a hoax and he said he didn’t watch it. A White House spokesperson said the president was too busy working. Right. They might as well have said he was at a zumba class. -- Jimmy Kimmel ? When asked what he was doing, Trump said, ‘I was cleaning out my desk.’ -- Conan O'Brien ? There’s no way you were too busy to watch. Trump watches T.V. all the time. I’m shocked there wasn’t a T.V. next to him while he was answering that question. -- Seth Meyers ? Trump wanted to, but he threw his T.V. remote out the window when he wasn’t named People magazine’s ‘sexiest man of the year.’ -- Jimmy Fallon ? Received from ArcaMax Jokes ? ? Trivia Bits Wonder Woman was the creation of William Moulton Marston, who also devised the polygraph, aka the lie detector. No wonder her arsenal includes the Lasso of Truth! ? Which is the knot most cowboys use to tie a lasso? ? A) Carrick bend ? B) Clove hitch ? C) Honda knot ? D) Yosemite bowline ? Answer:? A honda knot is used to tie a lasso. ? ? ? What’s on the Web? ------------------------- ? This NYC Restaurant Is Hidden in a Freight Entrance ? ? ? BURMA SHAVE ? Feel your face As you ride by Now don't You think It's time to try Burma-Shave ? Received from Stan Kegel. ? ? Annie’s Mailbox ? Dear
Annie: I have one surviving parent nearing 90 years old, who until five years
ago was able to live completely independently. A serious injury greatly reduced
Dad's mobility and caused chronic pain and hearing impairment. But he is
mentally competent and able to live at home with some help.? ? Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@..., or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at . COPYRIGHT 2019 ? Give?us a sense of
humor,? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen. To SUBSCRIBE: ?To UNSUBSCRIBE: Reply to this e-mail with For those that are sharing jokes from this email on their websites or newsletters, please list subscribing information as:? Send an email to PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ? ? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++? |