Daily Clean Jokes for May 17, 2025? ??
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Today's Clean Limerick? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
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My dear wife has been working a stint.
She created a candy firm.??Dint
????????????Her hard work for a while.
????????????She's now wearing a smile.
It's because she is?making?a?mint.
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Lee, Carol, Conrad, Jim, Dick, Bill, Grover, Chris got it.
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Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Quotes of the Day are the immortal words of W. C. Fields, who said, ¡°Whilst travelling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days.¡±
¡°If you can¡¯t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with?bullshit.¡±
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Today's One-Liner:? ?
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* Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
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Puns of the Day from Phyllis Ingram:?
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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.??
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.?
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A Go Funny
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
>>>Today's Thot
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down. Told her it's because I can't stand doing it.
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Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies.
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Founding FathersThe Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.
Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?
Father2: Shall I open the window?
Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves.
Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?
Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?
Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about "Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"
Received from Clean Hewmor?via GCFL.?
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A chicken walked into a library, went to the front desk, and told the librarian, ¡°book.¡±?
The librarian was confused. ¡°You want a book?¡± she asked.?
The chicken replied, ¡°book.¡± So the librarian sets a random book on the chicken's back, and left.?
A few days later, the chicken reenters the library, looks up at the librarian and says, ¡°book book.¡± The librarian, still confused, puts two books on the chicken's back, and leaves again.?
A few more days pass, and the chicken appears again. ¡°Book book book.¡± The librarian puts three books on the chicken's back and the chicken leaves.?
Out of curiosity, the librarian follows the chicken this time. The chicken leads the librarian through town, a few fields, a forest, and eventually stops at the edge of the swamp.?
The chicken lays down the books in front of a frog, who replies, ¡°reddit reddit reddit.¡±
Submitted to me by who knows who and who knows when, but thanks whoever you are.
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Mom's Laundry Rules
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?1.??? Pajamas - Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after only one wear.? It is a scientific fact that you do not get dirty while you sleep.? Pajamas can be worn many times before they smell bad enough to warrant being
?thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:? You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw up on them or something else that may be deemed disgusting, but only if they stink.
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?2.??? Socks - Unroll your socks before putting them in the dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and drying them in their original rolled up little balls.? Special note:? Unroll socks before throwing them down the
?laundry chute.? If you don't, the law of physics causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind the washer or drying, and Mom is getting too old to crawl back there and fish them out.
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?3.??? Clothes Hung Up - Clean clothes can be easily removed from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the hanger and pulling towards you.? The clean item can now be removed from the hanger for wearing.? The wrong way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner of the garment.? This causes the hanger to go flying around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring hangers. Special note:
?This makes Mom want to choke children.? So far, she has been able to refrain from this action.
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?4.??? Dirty Clothes Rule - If you have made the decision to put something in the dirty clothes, do not later decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a scene of devastation in its wake. Special note:? The only thing worse than having to put stinking clothes in the laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and over.
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?5.??? Pockets - Check your own pockets before you put dirty items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes?? No?? I
?thought not!? But the next time this occurs, you will have the pleasure of this experience.? Special note:? In the future, all money found in pockets becomes the property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly will be
?Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone.? She has heard that you don't have to do laundry while you are on a cruise!
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?6.??? Folded Clothes Rule - When those clean clothes miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a generous contribution to the Goodwill.
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?7. General Dirty Clothes Rule - If they aren't dirty, why the heck are they in the laundry room?? Put them back in your closet or drawers.? When you decide to try something on and decide that it will not make the fashion statement you were looking for that particular day, think twice before you make that conscious decision that it is easier to throw the item in the dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up.? Again, the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
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?8.??? Laundry Sharing - In the future, each of you will be required to do one load of laundry a week. Instructions will be provided.? Mom feels that the joy of this household chore should be shared, and she has been very selfish about this in the past. She also feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without it, you may not ever want to leave home.? This would not be in the best interest of your parents.
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?Note - Rules may be added or modified at any time by Mom.
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Received with thanks from Anna Welander.
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*-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: How do vampires start their letters?
A: "Tomb it may concern..."
Q: What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?
A: Blood hound!
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*-- She Rolled Her Eyes --*
Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
*-- More Q and A Quickies --*
Q: What is a ghost's favorite fruit?
A: Booberries!
Q: Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit.?
Received from aJokeADay.com.
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
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Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It¡¯s very kind of you, darling, But I don¡¯t have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that is because we aren¡¯t married yet.
Cheap Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. ¡°Why so little?¡± she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, ¡°Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.¡±
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird¡¯s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, ¡°New house, new madam.¡±
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, ¡°That¡¯s really not so bad.¡±
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, ¡°New house, new madam, new girls.¡±?
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman¡¯s husband ¡®Keith¡¯ came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
¡°Hi, Keith!¡±
Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It¡¯s very kind of you, darling, But I don¡¯t have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that is because we aren¡¯t married yet.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
A collection of film trailers, reviews, and movie previews for you to enjoy. We¡¯ll see you at the movies.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I have been arguing almost every day. We have been verbally and emotionally hurting each other. I love her very much, but she has a severe alcohol disorder, and I want her to stop drinking. She keeps begging me for money whenever she runs out of her own. She wants me to buy her more alcohol, but I refuse. She has been mean and abusive to the people she loves, including me. I suffer from anxiety and depression and see a therapist to deal with my mental health. My therapist suggested that my fiancee and I have couples counseling, but we are on a waiting list. I am also looking into attending Al-Anon meetings for support. I don't know what else to do to save my relationship. Please help. -- DEPRESSED IN NEW YORK DEAR DEPRESSED: Between you and your therapist, I'd say you have your ducks pretty well in a row. Because you and your alcoholic fiancee are wait-listed for couples counseling, start getting more of the emotional support you need by attending those Al-Anon meetings. Dealing with an angry, manipulative addict can be soul-crushing. Joining that community will give you insight and perspective. Please remember that saving your relationship isn't a solo effort. At some point, your fiancee must decide which to choose: her drinking or you. If she can't give up the bottle, you may need to save yourself. I am glad you have a therapist.
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DEAR ABBY: I'm 45 years old and have a friend from the military I've known for more than 25 years. A couple of years ago, he asked to move into my one-bedroom apartment to help him deal with retirement and straighten out his bills, debt and child support. I agreed because I had started working on the road and wasn't in a relationship. He sleeps on the couch, and I'm fine with that. He also helps with half the rent and the utility bill. The problem is, when I come home from the road, I find he hasn't cleaned AT ALL. He keeps my place very dirty. The AC is filthy, the bathroom is moldy and messy from his hair dye, and the kitchen is greasy from his cooking. My living and dining rooms are full of his stuff. He also doesn't take hints when I have company over. I love him like a brother, but I need him to leave. I do worry about paying my full rent and the mail that accumulates in my absence. (He doesn't even bother to let me know about "important" mail when it arrives.) I love the support he's given in the past, but it has run its course. What should I do? -- GOOD BUDDY IN VIRGINIA DEAR GOOD BUDDY: I will assume that in the past you have told your roommate that you didn't like the shape your apartment was in when you returned from the road. If you didn't, you should have. Because you want him out, tell him that you now want the place to yourself, and set a date for him to find another place to live. If you don't speak up and draw the line, it will never happen. |
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