Daily Jokes for February 2, 2025
|
Daily Jokes for February 2, 2025 When I was a child my father raised me not to "sput".? If I remember correctly that meant I should honor the Lord, not take his name in vain and all of that, to which I still agree.? So I started to read this from Kirk and it seemed so spiritual and I thought I won't be able to use this because it was such a?spiritual?tribute to a bishop, no less.? But in the end, it was such a wonderful play on words, I decided I had to use it: I don't know who the next pope will be, but I know there is one particularly qualified and distinguished man who will not be selected. Bishop Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in the Hague. As a young man, he aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the army during WWII. He spent two years flying aboard B17s as a co-pilot until, in 1943, his aircraft was shot down and he lost his left arm. Still enscripted, Hans spent the remainder of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual advice and last rites to dying soldiers, allied and enemy. He was renowned for his ecumenical tenderness and compassion. After the war, Grapje became a priest and served as a missionary throughout Africa. In spite of his handicap, he was noted for piloting his own bush plane into the deepest, most primitive villages to spread the church's message and charity to the impoverished. In 1997, then Archbishop Grapje was serving at an outpost in Zimbabwe, when an explosion in one of the country's vast silver mines caused a catastrophic cave-in. The archbishop, in spite of his seniority, went down into several of the shafts to administer last rites to those who would never escape. He was in one of these shafts when it partially caved in, trapping him and several rescuers. Although he was rescued three days later, he suffered several painful injuries, including one that cost him his right eye. Additionally, the silver content in the shaft's air supply had poisoned him, causing his skin to take an indigo hue -- a condition known as purpura -- that persists to this day. Although the Cardinal has devoted, and indeed risked, his life in the service of God for nearly 70 years, as a scholar, a mentor, and the epitome of a holy man, church politics preclude his ascension to the Papacy. Church leaders have made it clear they don't want a one-eyed, one armed, flying, purple, Papal leader.?? Received from Kirk Miller. ----- Today's Clean Pun:???A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader. ? ? Quote of the Day:???"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."?-- Joan Rivers ? ? Today's One-Liner:???The reason members of Congress try so hard to get re-elected is that they could not make a living under the laws they've passed. ? ? Quick Jokes ? My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D" ? "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. ? "That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That religious education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. ? Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'" ? -------- ? We were driving the other day and passed a business that was obviously having troubles beyond money. Their outdoor sign in front of the building read: ? $T0P $T3AL1NG 0UR L3TT3R$! ? Received from Laugh & Lift ? ????????? ? Clean Laffs ? Good morning crew, ? I was in Target the other day, shopping with the wife. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models in stock now!" ? So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?" ? "What?" she asked. ? I said, "Stool samples." ? Laugh it up, ? Joe ? ----- ? "In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, SeaWorld said it will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, a killer whale said, 'Hey, you know what's a larger habitat? The ocean!'"?-- Conan O'Brien ? "Yankee Stadium says it will start adding metal detectors as a way to beef up security. And then they went back to selling beer and baseball bats to New Yorkers."?-- Jimmy Fallon ? "Summer is nearly over and it's back-to-school time. If you can, send your kids to college so they get a degree and at least then they will know what kind of work they're out of."?-- Dave Letterman ? ----- ? My son had absentmindedly left his sneakers on our kitchen table. "That's disgusting," my husband yelled. "Doesn't he realize that we eat off that table?" ? Then he went back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home, I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a carburetor. ? *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* ? My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice. ? He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. ? Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. ? The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: ? "Put two drops in R ear every four hours." ? Received from Clean Laffs ? ? Expensive Hotel ? During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. ? I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!" ? "The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other end coolly explained. "I believe you are complaining about your room number." ? ----- ? I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt.??Most of us work 5 days a week, but the government spends 7. ? Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth's Good Clean Fun. ? ? Two Lawyers ? Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, ¡°Hey, you can¡¯t eat your own sandwiches in here!¡± ? So the lawyers traded sandwiches. ? Received from My Clean Humor ? ? KITCHEN TERMS ? - APPETIZING??Anything advertised on TV. - BOIL??The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "yuk" before a food is even tasted. - CASSEROLE??Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together. - CRUST??Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China, India, Africa, or Europe (check one). - DESSERTS??The reason for eating a meal. - EVAPORATE??Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash the dishes. - FAT??Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat. - FLOOR??Place for all food not found on lap or chair. - FORK??Eating utensil made obsolete by the discovery of fingers. - FRIED FOODS??Gourmet Cooking. - FROZEN??Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served. - FRUIT??A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert. - KITCHEN??The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks. - LEFTOVERS??Commonly described as "gross". - LIVER??A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike. - LOLLIPOP??A snack provided by those who don't clean sticky fingers, furniture, etc. or who have to pay dental bills. - MACARONI??Material for a collage. - MEASURING CUP??A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox. - NAPKIN??Any worn cloth object, such as shirt or pants or dresses. - NATURAL FOOD??Food eaten with unwashed hands. - NUTRITION??Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty. - PLATE??A breakable Frisbee. - REFRIGERATOR??A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner. - SODA POP??Shake "n" spray. - TABLE??A place for storing gum. - TABLE LEG??A percussion instrument. - THIRSTY??How your child feels after you have said your final good night. - VEGETABLE??A basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger??but only by sight. - WATER??Popular beverage in underdeveloped countries. ? Received from Guffaw Fodder ? ? We visited my parents for Thanksgiving, and even though she was over 80, Mother was determined to put on a traditional dinner. ? After having spent the day preparing all the food, Mother was getting ready for bed, and we noticed she had set her alarm clock to go off at 4 a.m. She explained that she had to turn the oven on to cook the turkey. We knew her oven had a timer and asked her if she knew how to use it. ? "Of course," she told us, "but I've been getting up for over 60 Thanksgiving to turn the oven on, and it just wouldn't be the same to have the stove do it for me!" ? ----- ? Bet Ya' Didn't Know: ? In Muddy, Illinois, the post office measures only 7? by 10? feet, about the size of a garden shed. If it wasn't for a sign hanging above the door stating, "U.S. Post Office, Muddy, IL., 62965," finding the tiny, wooden building could be difficult. It is believed to be one of the smallest post offices in the United States. ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks ? ? Alzheimer's ? My 99-year-old friend maintains a sense of humor.??"My nurse tells me that seldom do those over 95 years of age get Alzheimer's so I'm off the hook," she told me the last time I visited her. ? "Furthermore, my son tells me that anyone who can spell "Alzheimer's" doesn't have it, so I keep practicing my spelling." ? Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle ? ? Punnies ? As the X-Ray tech walked down the aisle to say the marriage vows with a former patient, a co-worker Nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to her,,??"Wonder what she saw in him?¡± ? At a seaside grocery, you can only buy soap when the Tide is in.?(Barbara Noel)? ? Crane drivers have uplifting pick-up lines.??(Pun of the Day) ? Crazy people are always taking the psycho path. ? ? Daily Thoughts ? "You create your opportunities by asking for them."?-- Shakti Gawain ? "When summer gathers up her robes of glory, And, like a dream, glides away."?-- Sarah Helen Whitman ? Don't ask for guarantees. And don't look to be saved in any one thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore.¡±?-- Ray Bradbury ? ----- ? Note From Dad ? As a teacher I often send home notes with children to inform the parents that their child¡¯s behavior can use some improvement. ? I received the following letter from one student¡¯s father, ¡°Dear Mrs Green, Harry is sorry he didn¡¯t do his homework last night, he will never do it again.¡± ? ----- ? Money from Home ? After sending our son away to college, he would often [to often] call up asking for money. ? One time when he called my husband answered, ¡°sure we will send you money¡± he said, ¡°and I also noticed that you left your Physics book here, should we send that also?¡± ? ¡°Uh, oh yeah, OK,¡± he responded. ? I asked him afterward how much he sent up ¡°$1,100¡å he said. ? When I gave him a surprised look, he explained, ¡°Don¡¯t worry, I taped a $100 check on the cover, and the other $1000 check inside the cover." ? Received from Steve's Just for Grins ? ? Teachers Joke ? ¡°How are you getting on with your exams?¡± ? ¡°Not bad. The questions are easy enough ¨C it¡¯s the answers I have trouble with!¡± ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ? The Buddhist Computer Addict ? Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? ? A: He enters Nerdvana. ? Received from Beliefnet.com.??BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them. ? ????????? Cantankerous ? Laurence is an accountant and is getting ready to leave his house for an early morning meeting with one of his female clients. But he is not looking forward to it at all. This client is always unbelievably bad tempered and quarrelsome ¨C a typical cantankerous client if ever there was one. ? As he is about to go downstairs for breakfast, his 5 year old daughter Hilary goes over to him and asks, ¡°What¡¯s the matter daddy? You look very unhappy.¡± ? ¡°I am, darling,¡± replies Laurence. ¡°Daddy is soon going to see a very angry woman who always shouts and yells at him.¡± ? ¡°Oh,¡± says Hilary. ¡°So when you see mummy, tell her I¡¯ll be down soon.¡± ? Received from Daily-Humor ? ? The Future ? Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom. ? After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. ? Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" ? He replied, "Probably the same thing." ? ----- ? College Applications ? Readers of the Washington POST were asked to compose a very unwise line for a college application: ? "When I told my friends I was applying to LeHigh, they were like, no way, and I was like, yes way. And they were like, way cool." ? "Four years of fees at your institution come to about $78,000. Just bill my father and mail me half the money. He'll never find out." ? "First off, coach said there wasn't going to be no writing." ? "To demonstrate my love for your school, I have spray-painted your logo on my town's water tower." ? "College is probably the last place they'll look for me." ? ----- ? Games ? As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate. ? One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed. ? "How old are you?" I typed. ? "Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?" ? Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten." ? ----- ? New T.V. ? A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. ? The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. ? When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. ? The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. ? When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader. ? ----- ? The Anesthesiologist ? Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation. ? "Is this some kind of mistake?" Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone. ? "No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. ? "Well," said Jill, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out." ? "Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around." ? Received from ArcaMax Jokes ? ? (From the Archives) ? *-- Q and A??--* ? Q: Why couldn't the pirate get to Davy Jones' Locker? A: He didn't know Davy Jones' combination ... ? Q: What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player? A: A pinch hitter. ? Received from Pinch Hitter ? ? After enduring many trips to the supermarket with my 11-month-old son, I finally discovered that the way to keep him from taking things off the shelves was to place the cart in which he was riding in the exact center of the aisle. As I selected what I needed, my son tried in vain to reach the items on either side. Just then another woman with a small child came down the aisle. Glancing at my frustrated son, she quipped, "Finally! Successful arms control!" ? Submitted to Reader's Digest by Pamela Berch ? ? ? Daily Trivia Question:???How cool is that? What TV chef sold her own three-piece line of spoonulas? A) Cat Cora B) Paula Deen C) Giada De Laurentiis D) Rachael Ray ? Answer:??Rachael Ray loves neologisms. ? ? What¡¯s on the Web? ----------------------- ? 10 Unused Film Posters From?: Before the film, comes the trailer - and before the trailer comes the poster. A first impression is everything to an audience, no matter if the property is a soon to be adapted fan favourite, or a relatively unknown project. Either they were too much, or not enough. Too abstract or too in your face. Too dark or not colourful enough, here are 10 unused film posters (on the left) that were passed over in favour of their final editions (on the right). We have to say, not all of the final ones beat out their earlier versions.? Visit:? ? ----- *Eye Laugh* ? ? JEST FOR KIDS 02-02-15 Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year olds in your life ? RIDDLES ? Why did the hunter stop hunting grizzly bears with his club? The club membership fees got too high. ? Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy. ? What did the policeman say to his chest? "You are under a vest." ? How do vampires get around on Halloween night? In blood vessels ? What did the scarf say to the hat? "You go on a head, I'll hang around for a while." ? PUNS & SHORT JOKES ? A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking." The doctor answered, "Be a little patient." ? Tubeless is a product of tireless effort!?(Mike Bull)? ? My suitcase has a projection by which it may be carried or fixed in place, but I can't discern how old it is -- No, I do not know the lug age.?(Cynthia MacGregor)? ? Swimmers have to be careful not to get into deep trouble? ? For Halloween I carved the face of a wild animal in my pumpkin to make a jackal lantern.?(Gary Hallock)? ? PUN SERIES WORDPLAY-ANAGRAMS Rearrange the first capitalized words to get the second ? My son in college is a slob. His DORMITORY is always such a DIRTY ROOM. ? When the ELECTION RESULTS come in, people on the losing side often cry out,? "LIES! LET'S RECOUNT!" ? Every morning I use the SNOOZE ALARMS. And every morning it's always the same: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S. ? My son wants to be an ASTRONOMER. Every night he's looking up at the sky. He's a MOON STARER. ? The people who head up the PRESBYTERIAN church claim their house of worship is BEST IN PRAYER. ? GROANERS & LONG JOKES ? There was a farmer named, Charlie Who tilled the ground on his Harley. His dig was a flop Yielding no crop 'Cept for some grain, but just barley. (Doug Spector) ? This year marks the 55th anniversary of the Barbie doll. It's hard to believe that Barbie's 55 years old, but you gotta figure eight years of medical school, three years of law school, ten years of astronaut training - it all adds up.?(Jimmy Fallon) ? A railroad porter decided to get married in a large room on the second floor of the terminal. So many friends and kinfolk showed up that their combined weight caused the building to collapse injuring the bridegroom and many of the guests. The moral of the story: Never marry above your station. ? I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday announcement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa." "Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren." ? A young man was talking to God. "How long is a million years to You?" he asked. "A million years to Me is like a single second to you," God replied. "How much is a million dollars to You?" the young man asked. "A million dollars to Me is like a penny to you," God replied. "In that case," the young man ventured, "Could I have one of Your pennies?" "Certainly, My Son," God replied. "Just a second." Received from Stan Kegel;?skegel@... ? ?
|