Drunk Driving
Two drunken men were driving home. The first started?screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out?for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall.
The next day in the hospital the first man asked his?friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming?for you to watch out, why didn't you?
Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!
Received from aJokeADay.com
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A Father's Sermon
A minister's young son sat on the floor of his?father's office watching him write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" the boy asked.
"Why, God tells me." his father replied.
"Well, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
Received from Beliefnet.com
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Kid Joke
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten?teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The?florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it?overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.?Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.?
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and?said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor?store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but?it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage?with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it?wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger?drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more big taste before declaring,?"I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
SURPRISE!
Received from aJokeADay.com
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Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,?80's, slim, 5'4"?(used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking,?sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried?fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round?out a six-unit plot.? Dizziness, fainting, shortness?of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,?sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.? If you are?the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing?aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth?seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn?on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?? I still like to rock, still like?to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still?like to play the guitar.? If you were a groovy chick,?or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen?to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through?Thursday.? If you can remember Friday, Saturday and?Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1952, high mileage, good?condition, some hair, many new parts including hip,?knee, cornea, valves.? Isn't in running condition, but?walks well.
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Hot Horseradish
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish?always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table.
Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took?a big spoonful.
The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally?able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many?ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one?I've met who passes out a sample of it."
Received from Beliefnet.com
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NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in?northern Minnesota.? The husband likes to fish at the?crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.One morning the?husband returns after several hours of fishing and?decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides?to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,?anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a?game warden in his boat. He pulls up?alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.?What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that?obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know?you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you?in and write you up."?
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual?assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game?warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all?I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely?she can also think.
Received from Mel.
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Arthritis
A drunk man who smelled like rum sat down on a subway?seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his?face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half?bottle of Bacardi was sticking out of his torn coat?pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and?asked, "Say, Father, d'ya know what causes arthritis?"
"Yes, my son, it's caused by loose living, being with?cheap, wicked women, drinking too much alcohol, having?contempt for your fellow men, sleeping around with?prostitutes, lack of baths, and things like that ...'
"Well, I'll be darn, the drunk muttered returning to?his paper."
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged?the man and apologized saying: "I'm very sorry. I?didn't mean to come on so strongly. How long have you?had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just readin' here?that the Pope does."
Received from JRP.
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JESUS & SATAN
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about?who was better on the computer. They had been going at?it for days, and frankly God was tired?of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God?said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set?up a test that will run for two hours, And from those?results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed?away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was?faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning?suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain?poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan?stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse?word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them?restarted their computers. Satan started searching?frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I?lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of?his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he?screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he?has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
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COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
This is a real hoot to those of us who are old enough?to remember, or know, who Bud Abbott and Lou Costello?are.? For those of us who have been flustered once or?twice by our computers, enjoy.? If Bud Abbott and Lou?Costello were alive today, Bud Abbott and Lou?Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on first?" might?have turned out something like this:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den?and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in?the windows?
ABBOTT:? Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer?and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can?use to write proposals, track expenses and run my?business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend?anything?
ABBOTT:? I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT:? Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT:? Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT:? I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,?let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to?type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT:? The Word you get when you click the lue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you?don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget?that. Can I?watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT:? Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I?watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I?need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel?2, 3 & 4.? Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a?movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT:? The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is?Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for?windows"!
ABBOTT:? No, just one. But it's the most popular Word?in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT:? Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other?Words left.? It pretty much wiped out all the other?Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One?isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO:? STOP! Don't start that again. What about?financial bookkeeping?? You have anything I can track?my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need! money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT:? Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT:? Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer??How much?
ABBOTT:? One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT:? Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT:? Click on "START".......
