Connee wrote <snips>
What an awesome trip this has been! It's really gotten me in
touch with how my fear was leading, my sense that I would miss
something good, like love and approval, if I didn't follow the
traditional path.
And I was able to tell her how much I have always wanted to
please her and others, and have struggled in my decisions to go
my own way, certain that I would be disapproved of for doing it,
yet always feeling even more strongly that I have to follow my
internal guidance. So many times in my life, I have been torn
apart by my belief that I would not be loved for doing what I was
guided to do.
And she shared with me that, all this time, she has admired me
for my strength and my self knowing! In fact, now that I think
of it, she *has* told me in the past that she sees me as a role
model for being a powerful woman who is able to get what she
wants in her life. I just was never able to hear it as approval
or appreciation and take it into my heart, because I was holding
so tightly to a limiting belief that she would prefer that I be
conventional.
In fact, now that I am in this vibrational space of allowing her
approval, I remember how bewildered she was when I came home from
college crying, telling her that I needed to change the major
that she had advised me to sign up for. The same thing happened
when I decided to get divorced. I expected her to reject me, and
yet all she ever wanted was for me to be happy, and she was very
supportive. And I can see that as I have tried, and failed, for
47 years to live the life I thought she wanted me to live,
thinking her love conditional, all the while, she has just kept
wanting me to be happy, even when she didn't have a clue as to
why I wanted to do this or that, and loved me unconditionally
through it all.
What an incredible gift of grace, a healing for my life and my
heart! It has been my limiting beliefs all along that have kept
out the love that is always pouring out to me.
Thank you Connee for sharing that powerful piece of deconstruction
work/play.
A thought or two: You have apparently been gifted with a wonderful and
loving mother...yet somehow you got some kind of conditioning laid up in
ocean of mind about having to please her...or some mysterious
THEM...instead of yourself.
My take and experience is that this kind of conditioning is absolutely
ENDEMIC in women, and not a few men, too. So even tho it was never the
intention or the action of this primary caretaker of yours, somehow the
mass consciousness laid these tracks down...and finding em...and
deconstructing em...has become a part of the heroic journey for you.
I've no doubt that you're gonna get this tremendous WHOOOSH of pure
creative power now .
Very kewl. :o)
Love,
NetPaul
...whose working on some major deconstruction of his own...to be continued.
