Hi, friends,
I just got a private email of support and began to write, and all
this great, healing stuff spilled out about what I have learned
from deciding to go to Ministerial School, and then deciding
against it. So I wanted to share it with all of you.
What an awesome trip this has been! It's really gotten me in
touch with how my fear was leading, my sense that I would miss
something good, like love and approval, if I didn't follow the
traditional path.
And just now, I was explaining my decision not to go to my Mom,
and said that I realized I needed to follow my heart rather than
worrying about what other people thought of my nontraditional
path, and she interrupted and said, "But you always have done
that and it never worried you before!"
And I was able to tell her how much I have always wanted to
please her and others, and have struggled in my decisions to go
my own way, certain that I would be disapproved of for doing it,
yet always feeling even more strongly that I have to follow my
internal guidance. So many times in my life, I have been torn
apart by my belief that I would not be loved for doing what I was
guided to do.
And she shared with me that, all this time, she has admired me
for my strength and my self knowing! In fact, now that I think
of it, she *has* told me in the past that she sees me as a role
model for being a powerful woman who is able to get what she
wants in her life. I just was never able to hear it as approval
or appreciation and take it into my heart, because I was holding
so tightly to a limiting belief that she would prefer that I be
conventional.
In fact, now that I am in this vibrational space of allowing her
approval, I remember how bewildered she was when I came home from
college crying, telling her that I needed to change the major
that she had advised me to sign up for. The same thing happened
when I decided to get divorced. I expected her to reject me, and
yet all she ever wanted was for me to be happy, and she was very
supportive. And I can see that as I have tried, and failed, for
47 years to live the life I thought she wanted me to live,
thinking her love conditional, all the while, she has just kept
wanting me to be happy, even when she didn't have a clue as to
why I wanted to do this or that, and loved me unconditionally
through it all.
What an incredible gift of grace, a healing for my life and my
heart! It has been my limiting beliefs all along that have kept
out the love that is always pouring out to me. I'm sure this is
true of all the relationships in my life, not just the one with
my Mom. She truly is a remarkable woman. I love the shifts the
vibration of our relationship have taken over the past few years
to open me up to the love that is there for me, and to allow me
to show the love I have always felt for her.
Just have to mention that David and I set our new goal last week
for our fiscal/spiritual year, July 1, 1999 to June 30, 2000 to
be: to expand our capacity to live in joy! What incredible
healings have already come from making that bold statement to the
Universe. I am so grateful.
Thanks for being here to listen.
Love and hugs to all,
Connee
