SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM Day 85 – Suggesting a Shidduch: The Balance ? In light of the prohibition of misleading one’s fellow (see Days 79-80), one may be reluctant to suggest shidduchim (marriage matches) altogether; others may feel it necessary to mention every possible shortcoming of the person so as not to be guilty of misrepresenting the truth. ? Few acts of chesed (kindness) can compare with that of helping to build a Jewish home.? One who thinks that a certain young man may be a suitable match for a certain young woman is not responsible to investigate the two and their families before proposing the match.? That is the responsibility of the parties involved and their parents. ? However, the prohibition against misleading one’s fellow requires that one not suggest a shidduch unless: ? (1) He believes that given what he knows of their personalities, the two could be a good match, and he is unaware of any reason the relationship should cause pain to either one. ? (2) In his opinion, there is reason to believe that their meeting will ultimately result in an engagement.? (It is wrong to waste a person’s time, energy and emotions!) ? (3) He is not aware of any medical, emotional, or character deficiency that would render one party unfit for marriage. ? (4) He does not feel that either party will have a negative influence upon the other. ? (5) He is not aware that one party lacks something that the other is insistent upon, or has something to which the other has explicitly expressed strong objection. ? Should there be any doubt as to whether any of these conditions have been met; the counsel of a talmid chacham (a very learned person) should be sought. ? ? SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON ? The Quality of Silence ? R’ Yitzchak said: Which craft should man pursue in this world? He should make himself like a mute (Chullin 89a). ? R’ Yitzchak’s description of the quality of silence as a craft, conveys a number of important lessons: ? If a person who is unfamiliar with a certain trade seeks to create a product of that trade with his own hands, he will find the task exceedingly difficult, regardless of how simple he may have imagined it to be. To become skilled in a given craft requires a period of training and experience. ? So it is with the art of silence. The ability to restrain oneself from speaking when the situation warrants silence is, indeed, precious. With the quality of silence, man is protected from the many sins which are related to speech; without it, it is exceedingly difficult to refrain from verbal transgression. ? A person who exercises restraint in speech only when the possibility of forbidden speech seems likely, but at all other times speaks whatever comes to mind, will be unable to avoid transgression. Such a person is simply not accustomed to restraining himself in this area, and is totally unprepared when the moment of trial arrives. ? Therefore, one should train himself, like someone learning a craft, to exercise restraint in speech. One must reach the point where such restraint comes naturally to him. Which craft should man pursue in this world? He should make himself like a mute. Then he will surely refrain from forbidden speech and avoid any such sin. ???????????? Keep reading for Day 86, the learning for Shabbos SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM Day 86 – Advice ? The previous rules apply to the initiator of a shidduch, employment or business partnership.? Halacha classifies such a person as an advisor and requires that he not make the suggestion if he has reason to suspect that it may not be in the best interest of either party. ? A similar set of rules applies to one who did not make the suggestion, but whose advice is sought by one of the parties.? He too must not be guilty of misleading the people involved.? In fact, his responsibility is even greater than that of the shadchan (matchmaker).? Whereas the shadchan merely suggests that the shidduch be considered, the advisor often states a definitive opinion regarding the proposed relationship which may profoundly influence the party’s final decision. ? Giving advice is not a matter to be taken lightly.? One does not give guidance unless he believes he understands the situation, and has the insight and life experience necessary to properly direct his petitioner.? One should never encourage a match he knows nothing about for the sake of seeing to it that the person “finally gets married.”? One may encourage a match only if he sincerely believes that it is good for both parties. Thus, while the advisor’s first obligation is to the party he is advising, it is forbidden for him to encourage a shidduch that he clearly knows is bad for the other party.? This would be considered speaking loshon hora in the form of speech that causes harm. ? It is forbidden for an advisor to discourage a relationship unless his disapproval is based on firsthand information that was carefully analyzed. ? Finally, if an advisor encouraged his petitioner to pursue a given shidduch but his advice was ignored, he may not draw the conclusion that the person “just doesn’t want to get married,” is “incapable of making commitments,” or has “unrealistic expectations.”? To make such statements would be to speak loshon hora and perhaps hotzaas shem ra (slander). ? ? SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON ? Debt of Gratitude ? We can suggest another explanation of R’ Yitzchak’s teaching: “Which craft should man pursue in this world? He should make himself like a mute.’’ ? Suppose a person suddenly suffers a loss of speech. All the city’s doctors are summoned to suggest a cure, but all fail. Finally, a renowned specialist is brought in from another city. He succeeds in curing the patient and refuses any offer of payment for his services. Imagine the love and gratitude which the patient would feel toward the doctor! His gratitude would be readily apparent; he would run to do the doctor’s every bidding. For the patient to speak a negative word about the doctor would be unthinkable. ? Hashem has given man something which He has not given any other earthly creature — a speaking soul through which he can study Torah and perform other mitzvos, thus earning for himself eternal reward. By the strict measure of justice, a person who has used his tongue hundreds of times to speak the forbidden should awaken one morning to find that he has lost his power of speech. However, Hashem, Whose compassion is boundless and Who is slow to anger, continues to grant this priceless gift as He awaits the person’s repentance. ? How can such a person persist in speaking loshon hora and other forms of evil speech? Is this how one expresses gratitude to the One Above? ? Which craft should man pursue in this world? He should make himself like a mute. A person who has been guilty in the past of speaking the forbidden should forever bear in mind that it is only through the kindness of Hashem that he has not awakened one morning to find himself a mute. Through such reflection, one will forever feel indebted to Hashem for His unceasing kindness and will surely refrain from forbidden speech Dedications and Sponsorships?????? Do you know someone who needs a refuah shleima? A shidduch? Or perhaps a meaningful yahrtzeit is approaching? As a merit for a recovery from illness or for a departed family member you can sponsor a daily email and have over 8,000 people, every day, learn and be inspired as a z’chus for your loved one. Please call 845-352-3505 #113 or email lozeri@... to sponsor or for more information on other sponsorship opportunities.