SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 89 ¨C Vital Information
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One who knows of a shidduch in the making and has negative information about one of the parties has a responsibility ¨C in certain cases ¨C to offer this information without waiting to be asked.
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The commandment? ¡°Do not stand aside while your brother¡¯s blood is shed¡± (Vayikra 19:16) requires one to volunteer information if he is aware that one party in a proposed match has severe physical, psychological or spiritual shortcomings, which by objective
standards can be expected to interfere with the marriage, and that this information is being concealed from the other party.
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Once again, the conditions which permit speaking negatively for a constructive purpose must be fulfilled:
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(1) The information must be firsthand or clearly stated as secondhand and not verified.
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(2) It must clearly be a problem by objective standards (e.g. a debilitating disease in the person, or in the family if it is hereditary; severe psychological disorders; violent tendencies; major problems in hashkafa [outlook on basic issues of Jewish life];
an immoral lifestyle) and not a matter of personal opinion ¨C even if one feels certain that this is not what the other party wants. It must also be clear that the information is being concealed from the other party.
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(3) If it is possible to convince the party that is concealing the information, to come forth with it, that would be preferable.
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(4) The information is not to be exaggerated and only that which is necessary may be told.
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(5) One¡¯s intent must be to prevent a harmful situation from coming about and not to denigrate the party spoken about. Moreover, there must be a real possibility that the information conveyed will not be ignored, so that the constructive purpose will be realized.
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(6) No realistic alternative to conveying the information directly can be found.
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(7) No undue harm will be caused by informing the party of the problem. Should there be reason to suspect that the party, upon learning that it has been deceived, will denigrate the other party or seek revenge in some other way, one should not get involved.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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A Matter of Life and Death
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By exercising verbal restraint, one is saved from many sins: loshon hora, flattery, mockery and lying. He is also saved from verbal attack. There are numerous inestimable benefits of developing the quality of silence.
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People confide their private matters to a person who is known to guard his tongue, for he can be trusted to keep such information to himself.
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A wise man once said: ¡°When I hear someone speak evil of me, I remain silent, for I fear that would I respond in kind, I would then hear abuses that are worse than the previous ones.¡¯¡¯ Whenever a person is verbally attacked and responds in kind, the result,
invariably, is worse verbal attack.
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¡°Death and life are in the tongue¡¯s power¡± (Mishlei 18:21). The tongue can cause harm in a way that the sword cannot. The sword can kill only through direct contact with its victim, while the tongue can bring about the ruination of someone who is miles away.
Man was created with two eyes, two ears, two nostrils, but only one mouth, to indicate that he is obligated to limit his speech, for transgression through speech can occur quite easily, and with far-reaching consequences.
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???????????? Keep reading for Day 90, the lesson for Shabbos
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 90 ¨C Shidduchim and Other Relationships ¨C A Summary
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Returning now to our original three situations (Day 78), we may conclude that if one is aware of a negative factor that by objective standards renders the proposed relationship a mistake, he is obligated to speak up. However, if
by objective standards the factor does not lead to such a conclusion, but it may adversely affect the future of the people involved, one should not volunteer information about it, but one would have to respond truthfully when questioned specifically regarding
the topic under which that factor falls.
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If by objective standards the factor would have no bearing on the relationship, but it is clear that the other party would see it as an issue, one should not volunteer information about it and should suggest that the relationship be pursued.
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As a concluding note to this section, one must understand that the possible situations of constructive negative speech that could arise in the settings of family, friends, community, business, employment, education, etc. are endless. No book can possibly give
explicit instructions for dealing with them all. One¡¯s only recourse is to become fluent in the principles, develop an understanding of the concepts, and accustom himself to consulting a rav, so that he can meet the challenges that such situations bring with
them.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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Protective Fence
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¡°The best medicine of all is silence¡± (Megillah 18a). ¡°A protective fence for wisdom is silence¡± (Avos 3:17). Silence is good for the wise, and surely for the unwise. One should guard his tongue like the apple of his eye, for one¡¯s mouth can be the source of
his ruination and the movements of his lips can endanger his soul. Thus it is written, ¡°One who guards his mouth and tongue guards his soul from tribulations¡± (Mishlei 21:23).
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Better to be told, ¡°Speak! Why are you so quiet?¡¯¡¯ than for others to find one¡¯s prattling burdensome and ask that he be silent.
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Scripture states: ¡°From that which lies within your bosom [i.e. your soul], guard the portals of your mouth¡± (Michah 7:5). The use of the term portals in reference to the mouth is instructive. An entrance to a house must be opened when necessary, but it cannot
be left open all day and all night; to do so would mean to leave the house open to thieves. Similarly, one cannot allow his mouth to be open indiscriminately.
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A person¡¯s most prized possessions are usually kept in a special vault, hidden away in an inner room and carefully guarded. As man¡¯s most prized function, the power of speech must be guarded with great care, and its greatest protection is the quality of silence.
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