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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 89 – Vital Information
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One who knows of a shidduch in the making and has negative information about one of the parties has a responsibility – in certain cases – to offer this information without waiting to be asked.
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The commandment? “Do not stand aside while your brother’s blood is shed” (Vayikra 19:16) requires one to volunteer information if he is aware that one party in a proposed match has severe physical, psychological or spiritual shortcomings, which by objective
standards can be expected to interfere with the marriage, and that this information is being concealed from the other party.
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Once again, the conditions which permit speaking negatively for a constructive purpose must be fulfilled:
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(1) The information must be firsthand or clearly stated as secondhand and not verified.
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(2) It must clearly be a problem by objective standards (e.g. a debilitating disease in the person, or in the family if it is hereditary; severe psychological disorders; violent tendencies; major problems in hashkafa [outlook on basic issues of Jewish life];
an immoral lifestyle) and not a matter of personal opinion – even if one feels certain that this is not what the other party wants. It must also be clear that the information is being concealed from the other party.
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(3) If it is possible to convince the party that is concealing the information, to come forth with it, that would be preferable.
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(4) The information is not to be exaggerated and only that which is necessary may be told.
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(5) One’s intent must be to prevent a harmful situation from coming about and not to denigrate the party spoken about. Moreover, there must be a real possibility that the information conveyed will not be ignored, so that the constructive purpose will be realized.
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(6) No realistic alternative to conveying the information directly can be found.
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(7) No undue harm will be caused by informing the party of the problem. Should there be reason to suspect that the party, upon learning that it has been deceived, will denigrate the other party or seek revenge in some other way, one should not get involved.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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A Matter of Life and Death
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By exercising verbal restraint, one is saved from many sins: loshon hora, flattery, mockery and lying. He is also saved from verbal attack. There are numerous inestimable benefits of developing the quality of silence.
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People confide their private matters to a person who is known to guard his tongue, for he can be trusted to keep such information to himself.
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A wise man once said: “When I hear someone speak evil of me, I remain silent, for I fear that would I respond in kind, I would then hear abuses that are worse than the previous ones.’’ Whenever a person is verbally attacked and responds in kind, the result,
invariably, is worse verbal attack.
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“Death and life are in the tongue’s power” (Mishlei 18:21). The tongue can cause harm in a way that the sword cannot. The sword can kill only through direct contact with its victim, while the tongue can bring about the ruination of someone who is miles away.
Man was created with two eyes, two ears, two nostrils, but only one mouth, to indicate that he is obligated to limit his speech, for transgression through speech can occur quite easily, and with far-reaching consequences.
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???????????? Keep reading for Day 90, the lesson for Shabbos
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 90 – Shidduchim and Other Relationships – A Summary
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Returning now to our original three situations (Day 78), we may conclude that if one is aware of a negative factor that by objective standards renders the proposed relationship a mistake, he is obligated to speak up. However, if
by objective standards the factor does not lead to such a conclusion, but it may adversely affect the future of the people involved, one should not volunteer information about it, but one would have to respond truthfully when questioned specifically regarding
the topic under which that factor falls.
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If by objective standards the factor would have no bearing on the relationship, but it is clear that the other party would see it as an issue, one should not volunteer information about it and should suggest that the relationship be pursued.
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As a concluding note to this section, one must understand that the possible situations of constructive negative speech that could arise in the settings of family, friends, community, business, employment, education, etc. are endless. No book can possibly give
explicit instructions for dealing with them all. One’s only recourse is to become fluent in the principles, develop an understanding of the concepts, and accustom himself to consulting a rav, so that he can meet the challenges that such situations bring with
them.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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Protective Fence
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“The best medicine of all is silence” (Megillah 18a). “A protective fence for wisdom is silence” (Avos 3:17). Silence is good for the wise, and surely for the unwise. One should guard his tongue like the apple of his eye, for one’s mouth can be the source of
his ruination and the movements of his lips can endanger his soul. Thus it is written, “One who guards his mouth and tongue guards his soul from tribulations” (Mishlei 21:23).
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Better to be told, “Speak! Why are you so quiet?’’ than for others to find one’s prattling burdensome and ask that he be silent.
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Scripture states: “From that which lies within your bosom [i.e. your soul], guard the portals of your mouth” (Michah 7:5). The use of the term portals in reference to the mouth is instructive. An entrance to a house must be opened when necessary, but it cannot
be left open all day and all night; to do so would mean to leave the house open to thieves. Similarly, one cannot allow his mouth to be open indiscriminately.
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A person’s most prized possessions are usually kept in a special vault, hidden away in an inner room and carefully guarded. As man’s most prized function, the power of speech must be guarded with great care, and its greatest protection is the quality of silence.
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
Day 91 – When Listening is Lowly
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Not only is speaking loshon hora a lowly act not befitting the divine image in which man was created, but to listen as someone else speaks loshson hora is lowly as well. The Torah states, Do not accept a false report (Shemos 23:1).
The Chofetz Chaim is apparently of the opinion that merely paying attention to loshon hora being spoken constitutes giving it some degree of credence, and is in violation of this prohibition.
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Just as it is wrong to select the shortcomings of others as subject matter for one’s own speech, so too it is wrong for one to focus his attention on negativity being expressed by others.
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Just as it is wrong to cause harm to others by way of speech, so too it is wrong to serve as a listener as potentially harmful information is being conveyed.
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In short, derogatory or harmful speech should never earn one’s attention. Listening to loshon hora, even if one does not believe it, is in violation of Torah prohibition.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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The Need to Talk
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People who find themselves inclined towards melancholy feel a need to speak freely to others and are, understandably, afraid to focus themselves on developing the quality of silence. Should this be the case, one should at least accustom himself to not speak
about others, whoever they might be; his friendly conversations should focus on matters of interest, and not on people of interest. When he does find it necessary to discuss others, he should be as brief as possible.
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I have heard it said regarding the great Torah genius, Rabbi Raphael of Hamburg, that he resigned his post as rabbi four years prior to his passing. From that time and on, he would ask of those who visited him that as long as they were within the confines of
his home, they should not speak about other people. I have also heard regarding another leader of his generation that he was exceedingly careful never to discuss others.1
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Certainly one must be careful not to discuss a storekeeper with his competitor, nor a craftsman with other members of his craft. Such conversations often lead to loshon hora, especially when the storekeepers or craftsmen are known to bear ill will toward one
another.
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This restriction applies not only to singing the storekeeper’s praises, regarding which our Sages warned: “One should never speak the praises of his fellow [excessively], for praise will inevitably lead to criticism” (Arachin 16a).2 One should refrain entirely
from discussing an individual with that person’s competitor, for the listener will quite possibly steer the conversation in a direction that will allow him to vent his negative feelings. If one finds it absolutely necessary to engage in such discussion for
some constructive purpose, he should keep the conversation as brief as possible; otherwise, it will inevitably lead to loshon hora.
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1. Toward the end of his life, the Chofetz Chaim was visited by someone who broached the subject of a dispute in his home town. The Chofetz Chaim interrupted him, “For years, I have avoided the sin of loshon hora. Do you wish that I now be caught in its web?’’
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2. When one praises another excessively, it is inevitable that the speaker or someone else present will point out one or more of the subject’s faults (Rashi ad loc.). See Sefer Chofetz Chaim Part I, ch. 9.
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 92 – The Speakers Accomplice
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In addition to violating the prohibition against listening to loshon hora, every listener of loshon hora is, in effect, making it possible for the speaker to relate his forbidden words, and therefore is an accomplice in his sin.
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In the case of a lone listener, the prohibition before a blind person do not place a stumbling block (Vayikra 19:14) would surely apply, for included in this verse is a prohibition against causing another Jew to sin. We will see that in certain instances listening
to Loshon Hora is forbidden not because of the primary prohibition but because of the prohibition against causing another Jew to sin.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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Non-Kosher Conversation
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If one begins speaking with Reuven concerning Shimon and in the course of conversation becomes aware that Reuven bears Shimon ill will, he should either bring the conversation to an end or divert it to some other subject. Similarly, if one begins to speak and
suddenly realizes that his own words are leading toward loshon hora, he should muster his spiritual strength and abruptly change the subject — in the same way that he would spit out the food he was chewing were he to become aware that it was non-kosher. If
this will cause him discomfort or embarrassment, he should bear in mind the Sages’ words: ”Better to be considered a fool all one’s days [in this world], and not be considered wicked even for a moment before the Omnipresent” (Mishnah Ediyos 5:6).
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As already mentioned, the restriction against discussing an individual with that person’s adversary applies only when one feels himself unqualified to make peace between the two. However, when one can play the role of peacemaker, it is a mitzvah to listen to
each party’s grievances in order to settle their feud. |
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
Day 93 – Admonishing the Speaker
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The commandment, you shall reprove your fellow (Vayikra 19:17), requires a Jew to inform a sinner that his behavior is improper, and attempt to convince him to mend his ways. In voicing his disapproval, one must be prepared to endure
embarrassment and insult and should continue to protest. Only in a case where one knows that his reproof would cause the sinner to react by committing more serious offenses is he to refrain from speaking up.
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(Reproof must be administered with respect and understanding, and should be done in private whenever possible – see Rashi to Vayikra 19:17).
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Generally speaking, one is required to interrupt and reprove the speaker of loshon hora, and do his best to ensure that he put a halt to his sinful speech. As mentioned, this does not apply when the speaker would likely react by expressing yet greater negativity
towards the person he was speaking about, as a way of defending his sinful talk.
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Another situation where reproof would be out of place is when:
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The speaker does not realize that the information he is conveying is loshon hora, or is totally unaware that loshon hora is prohibited by the Torah; and
it is obvious that the speaker will continue speaking loshon hora even after being told that this is forbidden.
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In such a case, reproof would transform the speaker from an inadvertent sinner into one who sins intentionally. Hence, it is better not to reprove him.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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Choose Your Company
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One should avoid association with a given group unless he knows that its members are careful to avoid forbidden speech. If circumstances demand such association, one should limit it to a minimum, and maintain silence whenever possible. Even one sinner can ruin
an entire group and make it necessary to avoid being in its company.
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Sefer Rosh HaGivah writes:
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Be alert, my son, regarding that which King Shlomo said: ”In the ears of a fool do not speak, lest he disparage the wisdom of your words” (Mishlei 23:9). Beware of a gathering of one hundred men among whom is found even one scoffer or fool, and certainly if
[one of the fools] is a wise man in his own eyes, for he is the quintessential fool ...1 Strengthen yourself to sit in silence at such a gathering, do not discuss anything at all. Even if you will speak all sorts of wisdom, they [the scoffers and fools] will
best you and grant you disgrace, as it is written,”Iniquity appears and disgrace follows” (ibid. 11:2).
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If you wish to converse [at such a gathering] with a man like yourself, be careful that your words not reach their [the scoffers’] ears. Thus does Scripture advise:”In the ears of a fool do not speak,’’ rather than, ”Do not speak with a fool.’’
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See Mishlei 26:12. A fool who considers himself wise has no hope of acquiring wisdom, and thus is the greatest fool of all (Metzudos ad loc.).
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?SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 94 – Group Reproof
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We have seen that one must reprove the speaker of loshon hora even if it is highly unlikely that the reproof will be effective.
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When several people are involved in a discussion that includes loshon hora, one must speak up and caution them that what they are discussing is forbidden. However, unlike the case of an individual who speaks loshon hora, if the people ignore reproof, one should
not persist in his rebuke unless he feels that his words might ultimately achieve a positive result. In an unreceptive group setting, it is wise to refrain from excessive reproof.
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An exception to this rule is when one finds himself in a community where the prohibition of loshon hora has long been disregarded. Widespread disregard calls for more than ordinary reproof. It demands persistent protest, calling for an awareness of the severity
of speaking loshon hora, and knowledge of what constitutes loshson hora.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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Step-by-Step
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One who seeks to attain the quality of shmiras haloshon should use the very opposite approach of the gossiper. The gossiper makes it his habit to sit among groups involved in conversation, in the hope that he will hear some bit of information that he can ridicule
or spread to others. The gossiper is forever in search of ”the latest news” in his town, so that he will have no lack of material to relate all day and night.
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The quality of shmiras haloshon should be attained gradually. The first step is to accustom oneself to avoid groups involved in idle conversation and to train oneself not to inquire about the latest gossip. One should train himself, little by little, until
he reaches the point where he does not even want to be informed of any gossip. With the passage of time, Hashem will help him so that shmiras haloshon will become a part of his very nature. He will find it incredible that others can transgress the sin of speaking
loshon hora, which to him has become something repulsive, like anything else which the Torah prohibits.
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
Day 95 – Proper Reaction
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Based on the previous rules, it is clear that upon hearing loshon hora, one should promptly interrupt the speaker and reprimand him for his words. In a case where doing so would cause the speaker embarrassment (i.e. others are present),
it is preferable that one tactfully change the subject, thus preventing the further speaking of loshon hora, and offer reproof later (in private).
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If one finds himself unable to change the subject, he should walk away. While incapable of fulfilling his obligation to reprove, one must, nevertheless, avoid transgressing the sin of listening to loshon hora. If one feels uncomfortable leaving, the least he
should do is try his best to ignore what is being said, and use facial expressions to show disapproval. Certainly, he should not appear as though he is enjoying the conversation.
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One must train himself to defend his values, to be more concerned with truth than with his personal pride. Ultimately, one will find that the less he fears scorn and derision of scoffers, the more his self esteem will grow and his stature will grow in the eyes
of others as well.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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Silencing the Gossipmongers
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It is a proven fact that to restrain oneself from speaking and listening to loshon hora is difficult for only the first few weeks. As others come to realize that an individual will not speak or listen to loshon hora, mockery or other forbidden speech, they
will refrain from relating such talk to him, and will peddle their ”wares” elsewhere. They will come to understand that such talk does not raise their esteem in this man’s eyes; to the contrary, he considers them nothing more than gossipmongers and scorners.
He will hardly have to guard himself from hearing loshon hora, for the gossipmongers themselves will avoid telling their stories in his presence, lest he belittle their words before others who are present.
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What is needed is an initial firm resolve to acquire this sacred quality. Regarding such spiritual striving do our Sages say, ”One who reflects upon his ways in this world merits and sees salvation from the Holy One, Blessed is He” (Moed Katan 5a).
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 96 – Whom to Rebuke
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In situations where reproof is required (see Day 93), one is obligated to interrupt even his own parent who is speaking loshon hora and respectfully explain that he or she should not be speaking in this manner.? A rav, as well,
should not be allowed to speak loshon hora.? However, it is disrespectful to accuse a rav of speaking loshon hora.? Instead, one should ask the rav for assistance in understanding why it was permissible for him to make a given statement.
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Children are not included in our obligation to reprove a fellow Jew who has sinned.? However, parents, as well as teachers, are obligated in the mitzvah of chinuch, educating their charges in proper mitzvah observance.? Thus, parents and teachers must train
children from an early age to refrain from speaking or listening to loshon hora.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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Judge Others Favorably
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The Torah states:”With righteousness shall you judge your fellow” (Vayikra 19:15), which our Sages interpret as a commandment to give one’s fellow the benefit of the doubt (Shevuos 30a). This precept is among those “whose fruit one enjoys in this world and
whose principal reward is preserved for the World to Come” (Shabbos 127a). Development of this trait is crucial for perfecting the quality of Shmiras haloshon.
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To give one’s fellow the benefit of the doubt is to decide in one’s mind that someone who is said to have committed a misdeed did so either unwillfully, out of ignorance, or correctly (i.e. that, in fact, a
sin has not been committed). When the report does not lend itself to any of the above interpretations, one should consider the possibility that the speaker added or omitted details which completely alter the nature of the report.
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To judge others favorably is also to bear in mind the teaching: ”Do not judge your fellow until you have reached his place” (Avos 2:5).
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The more one accustoms himself to judge others favorably, the less he will transgress the sin of loshon hora.
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Keep reading Day 97, the lesson for Shabbos
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 97 – Whom not to rebuke?????
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The obligation to reprove one’s fellow Jew does not apply to a non-observant Jew who is in the category of a mumar (one who is aware of halachic requirements and ignores them – see Day 14). However, a non-observant Jew who sins
out ignorance must be instructed gently regarding loshon hora. The beauty of shmiras halashon can be appreciated even by those whose observance level is minimal, and should be shared with them at the earliest opportunity.
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Nevertheless, one does not rebuke a non-observant person with whom he does not have a relationship. It is obvious that such reproof will not convince the person to refrain from speaking loshon hora in the future, and will only serve to anger him. This would
be similar to the situation (in Day 93) where reproof would cause worse sin to occur and is therefore inappropriate.
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This rule holds true for an observant Jew as well. It is wrong to offer rebuke to someone with whom one has no real relationship, if it is clear that he will not change his ways and that he be offended by the person’s meddling in his affairs.
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Rebuke in such a case would cause hatred and, possibly, even more loshon hora.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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A Classic Illustration
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The following incident, recorded in the Talmud (Shabbos 127b), illustrates the extent to which a Jew must judge his fellow favorably:
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A man from Israel’s Upper Galilee hired himself out for three years to someone living in the southern portion of the Land. At the end of the three years, on the eve of Yom Kippur, the worker requested his wages so that he could return home and feed his family.
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His employer responded,”I have no money.’’
”Then pay me with fruit,’’ said the worker.
”I have none,’’ came the reply.
”Pay me with land.’’
”I have none.’’
”Pay me with livestock.’’
”I have none.’’
”Pay me with pillows and blankets.’’
”I have none.’’
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The worker slung his pack over his shoulder and headed home, bitterly disappointed.
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At the conclusion of Succos, the employer appeared at his worker’s door, with money in hand, along with three donkeys, bearing food, drink and delicacies. The food was brought inside and the two enjoyed a hearty meal together. Afterwards, the employer paid
the worker in full.
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The employer then asked, ”When you asked for your earnings and I replied that I had no money, what did you think?’’
The worker replied,”I thought that perhaps a deal that you could not pass up had come along and you had used all your cash for that.’’
”And when I said that I had no land?’’
”I thought that perhaps all your land had been leased to others.’’
”And when I said that I had no fruit?’’
”I thought that perhaps your fruits had not yet been tithed.’’
?‘‘And when I said that I had no pillows or blankets?’’
‘‘I thought that perhaps you had dedicated all your possessions to the Temple.’’
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The employer exclaimed, ‘‘I make an oath that that is exactly what happened! ...Just as you judged me favorably, so too should the Omnipresent judge you favorably.’’
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And indeed, the Sages teach, ‘‘One who judges his fellow favorably is judged favorably [by Heaven]’’ (ibid.).
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 98 – Pertinent Information????
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The prohibition, “Do not accept a false report” (see Day 91), teaches us that loshon hora should not be listened to and must not be accepted. However, when the information being conveyed is important to know for constructive reasons,
it merits one’s attention and may be listened to. Just as relating negative information l’toeles, for a constructive purpose, is not considered speaking loshon hora, so too is listening for a constructive purpose considered responsible and proper.
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Information that one may listen to includes anything that might help to prevent or correct undue harm to any individual, be it the listener, the speaker, the person spoken about, or another party. It would also include information that could help prevent or
correct damage that is physical, financial, emotional or spiritual.
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It is correct to listen to a person’s claim against someone else if one thinks that he can be of help in rectifying the situation, or if the listener or someone else might be vulnerable to similar treatment by the person being spoken about. It is permissible
to listen to information about a person with whom one is planning to collaborate in a joint venture, if the information is pertinent to that relationship. In all of the above instances, the information is being listened to for a constructive purpose, and hence
is not considered loshon hora.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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The Day of Judgment
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The way in which an individual tends to judge others can well determine his own status as a tzaddik (righteous person) or rasha (wicked person) for all eternity.
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The Sages teach that whether or not an individual is deemed meritorious is determined by weighing the sum of his merits against his sins. The Sages further state regarding the great Day of Judgment at the time of the Resurrection of the Dead: Three Books will
be opened — one for the completely righteous; one for the completely wicked; and one for those in between. The completely righteous will immediately be inscribed for eternal life; the completely wicked will immediately be inscribed for Gehinnom; and those
in between will descend to Gehinnom and [after enduring a period of retribution] will then ascend (Rosh Hashanah 16b).
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If Hashem will judge an individual by the measure of strict justice, then even if that individual had performed countless good deeds through the course of his lifetime, he will nevertheless be left with very few merits by the time his judgment has ended. Many
of his deeds will have been found lacking in proper detail or method, while those whose performance was wholesome might not have been accompanied by proper love of God, awe of Him, or were devoid of the joy with which a mitzvah should be performed. Thus, most
good deeds will be found blemished in some way. The individual’s remaining good deeds will be far outweighed by his sins, and thus he will be deemed a rasha for eternity.
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