Re: Always Learning¡ªthe rent is due today!
I'm so sorry.? I have no idea what "sandbox paypal" is doing there.? I only tried to put the regular paypal logo, and the others showed up later. :-)??
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If that page isn't working, there's a donation box on the main page, down at the bottom right:??https://sandradodd.com/
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Re: Always Learning¡ªthe rent is due today!
Hi Sandra and everyone!?
20 years! We¡¯ve all come a long way.? My ¡°kids¡± are now 27 and 28.? I¡¯ll donate.?
Warmly, Beverly
Next Payment Due:?Oct 23
Amount: $220.00
?
Today is the day.
If anyone would like to donate to the cost of this group's continued existence, I've set up some options here:
This is the amount asked of yahoo groups migrating to this site, so I will keep paying it, because if I mess with amounts or levels, it could end up costing more, as we have so many members.??
Many quotes on my site link back to their post of origin, and because there are so many wonderful discussions in here, I think it's worth the cost.??
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On November 24, this group will be twenty years old.
Thanks for being part of it.
?
Sandra
-- Warmly, Beverly Ramos 510-909-9890
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Re: Always Learning¡ªthe rent is due today!
I gave 10 using the credit card option. The PayPal and Venmo were glitchy ¡°sandbox.PayPal.com¡± ? - didn¡¯t recognize my log in info. Regular PayPal did.? Robyn L Coburn Http://WorkInProduction.com Http://IggyJingles.com
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On Oct 23, 2021, at 12:47 AM, Sandra Dodd <[email protected]> wrote:
? Next Payment Due:?Oct 23
Amount: $220.00
?
Today is the day.
If anyone would like to donate to the cost of this group's continued existence, I've set up some options here:
This is the amount groups.io asked of yahoo groups migrating to this site, so I will keep paying it, because if I mess with amounts or levels, it could end up costing more, as we have so many members.??
Many quotes on my site link back to their post of origin, and because there are so many wonderful discussions in here, I think it's worth the cost.??
?
On November 24, this group will be twenty years old.
Thanks for being part of it.
?
Sandra
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Always Learning¡ªthe rent is due today!
Next Payment Due:?Oct 23
Amount: $220.00
?
Today is the day.
If anyone would like to donate to the cost of this group's continued existence, I've set up some options here:
This is the amount groups.io asked of yahoo groups migrating to this site, so I will keep paying it, because if I mess with amounts or levels, it could end up costing more, as we have so many members.??
Many quotes on my site link back to their post of origin, and because there are so many wonderful discussions in here, I think it's worth the cost.??
?
On November 24, this group will be twenty years old.
Thanks for being part of it.
?
Sandra
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Re: Site news, new page on Laundry
Anyone new enough here not to know about my site-news blog, that's the next one I need to comb through and update/repair.? My My photos were all moved and many links need to be changed by hand to allow the internet safety measures to assure readers that sites are safe and good.? ?Eventually I hope to complete that. :-)
But the site is a good randomizer of pages newer than the randomizer at my site. :-)? SO many pages...? And a new one last week, about how doing laundry for people you love can be the sort of thing you might miss someday.??
If you were subscribed to that page before, the e-mail should look much better now.? ?The old mail program, Feedburner, is no more.? Our replacement was really ugly and NOT a match for the peace and love of Just Add Light and Stir (nor even for my wheelbarrow blog :-) ), so Vlad Gurdiga has built (is still polishing) a mailing program.? If you have any feedback about those mailings, respond to one with notes, images, complaints, praise... whatever caused you to write. :-)
Site news:?
Wheelbarrow things:??
Just Add Light and Stir:??
Thanks for reading this group, and some or all of those. :-)??
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Re: Pre-teens, teens, safety, updating my site
Thank you, Katie and Anne, for letting me know older writings are still helpful.
I both know for sure, and I doubt, that people are reading things I've collected.? Reminders are sweet.
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Sandra
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Site news, new page on Laundry
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Summer MacDonald wrote:
Laundry is love. I love each person whose pants I am washing and folding. I love each meal I have shared with my family, that needed cloths and towels to wipe up the spills afterwards.?(and more)
This new page is a match to the one about owning and washing dishes. It is about gratitude, abundance, service, and life.
photo (a link) by Sandra Dodd
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Re: Pre-teens, teens, safety, updating my site
Thank you Sandra. I have been reading since I was pregnant with my daughter almost 10 years ago. Your words are so powerful and have stayed with me and in many big and small moments. I now have two kids age 7 and 9 and appreciate all of the time and effort you put into sharing your knowledge and wisdom.?
Best,
Anne?
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Re: Pre-teens, teens, safety, updating my site
Thanks for sharing those pages.? I remember reading the stories and stashing it all away in my head for later, and it helped when later arrived.
My daughter came out as gay last year to her dad and me, (and publicly recently).?
It's been really awesome to be able to have not-scary conversations with her about these sorts of topics. I'm so thankful that she felt comfortable enough to share that with us.??
If I live long enough, I will fix up every page on my site. :-)
Today, for a couple of reasons, what has surfaces is ?and while it will still have some rearrangement to make it easier to read vertically (it was quite horizontally laid out), some of you might have a need now that you didn't have before, or you might be new to all of this.??
Mostly that one page ends up being about what kids might come across online, and it's from when my middle child (now 33) was a young teen.
That matches up with a more philosophical page called online safety.? Some of the ideas are as good as ever, though the dangers of plain old online safety, for kids, have expanded in the more recent crazy days.
Yesterday I revamped and polished up??about "The night Holly was in trouble.
?
These are all related in the "does unschooling guarantee kids are? ?good? /? ?trouble-free? / "successful"¡ªyou know the kinds of questions.? And all these things came up, and there are links to similar others.
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So now I'm building a page with what I wrote in 2017 about "me too."? That one tends toward the philosophical realities of helping kids/teens be safe, too, but right now my daughter (nearly 30) is sitting here talking to me, so I'll finish that later. :-)? ?It will be??but so far, it's insufficiently completed. :-)
Sandra
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Pre-teens, teens, safety, updating my site
If I live long enough, I will fix up every page on my site. :-)
Today, for a couple of reasons, what has surfaced is ?and while it will still have some rearrangement to make it easier to read vertically (it was quite horizontally laid out), some of you might have a need now that you didn't have before, or you might be new to all of this.??
Mostly that one page ends up being about what kids might come across online, and it's from when my middle child (now 33) was a young teen.
That matches up with a more philosophical page called online safety.? Some of the ideas are as good as ever, though the dangers of plain old online safety, for kids, have expanded in the more recent crazy days.
Yesterday I revamped and polished up??about "The night Holly was in trouble."
?
These are all related in the "does unschooling guarantee kids are? ?good? /? ?trouble-free? / 'successful'"¡ªyou know the kinds of questions.? And all these things came up, and there are links to similar others.
?
So now I'm building a page with what I wrote in 2017 about "me too."? That one tends toward the philosophical realities of helping kids/teens be safe, too, but right now my daughter (nearly 30) is sitting here talking to me, so I'll finish that later. :-)? ?It will be??but so far, it's insufficiently completed. :-)
Sandra
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Re: "Concerned Parent" / stepmother
As I read the mail by the parent, I felt very sad for the step-daughter. With a mom with addiction and one who neglected her daughter, I can imagine the deep sense of abandonment for her. And often this sense of abandonment never goes away for a lot of human beings, but people learn to cope with the help of other loving and trusting adults and therapy. I also enpathise with the step-parent. But as an adult perhaps she too needs therapy and counselling to understand how to be in a loving relationship with a child with trauma and a spouse who is seeking a new loving mature and kind marriage. So I hope she gets all the help she needs to build a kind and trusting bond with her step-daughter and husband.
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The daughter's relationship with her father is all she has as something stable and secure for now, I hope that is not broken ever.?
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I feel the couple need to work together to provide stability, safety and security to the daughter. Even the dad needs therapy and some professional support to be the support he needs to be to his daughter and his present spouse. He too must be dealing with trauma of being earlier with a spouse who could not provide love and care and share responsibilities.
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To look at the child's behaviour as a defense mechanism the child has adopted to protect her vulnerabilities, might support the step-mom to see why she need not 'call out' or 'complain to the dad'.
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Dola
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[edited by Sandra¡ªI deleted the other appended posts]
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Re: "Concerned Parent" / stepmother
I have been
a 15 year old angry stepdaughter.? And even though my upbringing wasn't anything like as traumatic as your step-daughters, I was still an extremely angry teenager - especially angry at my both my parents, and my step-parents, who I blamed for their prior behaviour
that resulted in me being a step-child and split between two families.?
== until I called her out one day about her attitude.==
This smacks of conventional thought. 'Called her out' - seems very unkind. 'Attitude' sounds like a cliche.?
== She doesn't like when things do not go her way (like most?kids/ teenagers don't).== Like most PEOPLE don't.?
?==She HATES feeling like she has disappointed her father.==
Then don't do things that make her feel like that. Her Dad is clearly her safe place.
==Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY.==
Yep - she's showing you that if you call her rude and disrespectful - then that's what she'll be. You lost her trust, and you probably made her feel awful about herself, and so she's reacting to that.
==.Sometimes she is even more mad at me after we confront her it gets worse for me.==
I feel so, so awful for her. No one likes to be 'confronted'. To be shamed and sat in front of her Dad and told off like a little kid - my Step mom and my Dad used to do that to me, too, and it made me angrier, so, so much angrier, particularly at my step-mom
for 'telling' on me. I stopped visiting them as soon as I was old enough to say I didn't want to go (about 16) - I guess this kid can't do that, though - unless she just leaves home in a year.
==I do not know what to do. ==
Win her trust back. Though it's going to take a while. Don't 'tell' on her to her Dad and make him the go-between you. Perhaps she might benefit from counselling, if that's something she's willing to consider - she had an extremely traumatic childhood and probably
has some form of PTSD from her Moms behaviour (and possibly her Dad's, depending on whether he left them, or whatever).
I'm not sure if you are unschooling her, her step-siblings, or whatever.?But, I think you should apologise for your behaviour - for 'calling her out' and for telling on her to her Dad.
Do what brings joy -??be kind. Be patient. Remember what it was like to be 15 - it's hard. Really - even if your parents are still together. Certainly, moreso after a messed-up childhood.?
What does she love to do? Can you shop together? Does she like to do make-up - some girl-time together? Movies? Mend your relationship, be the person you wished you'd had when you were 15 and confused about life and your place in it.?
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I've brought a post without the name.? The original poster named it "Concerned Parent."
______________________________________
?
I am a stepmother?to a 15 year old girl. I have been in her life for about 4 years.?
Her mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. She would often disappear in the middle of night, leave her and her brother without food, and my stepdaughter would look for her mother in the middle of the night. She would never leave the house to look for her but
she would go to a neighbor and ask to use their phone.
Her mother would promise to her that she would change and never would. Her father is EVERYTHING to her and she trusts him. She has a very close relationship with her father and does not have the typical father/teenage daughter relationship. She will still sit
in his lap and lay on him and kiss his face several times in a row.
When I came into her life she thought I was the greatest woman she ever saw and wanted to be like me, until I called her out one day about her attitude. She doesn't like when things do not go her way (like most?kids/ teenagers don't). She HATES feeling
like she has disappointed her father.
Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY. Whenever I ask her to do something or not do something she will deliberately do the opposite. When her father is not home she will stare me down, is very short
with me, can be rude to my 7 year old daughter and my 15 year old son, and will stay in her room and hardly EVER smile.
As soon as her dad will return home she is the happiest kid EVER and is nice to me.
When I have gotten to the point where I am in tears and losing sleep I will let her dad know what is going on. We will sit down with her and she immediately?breaks into tears and then her dad feels so bad that nothing really happens.Sometimes she is even more
mad at me after we confront her it gets worse for me.
I do not know what to do. Her dad has recently admitted he needs to not be so defensive over her and trust me more with her. I need some help because what I am doing is not helping and she is not really willing to change. She says it's because of her mom but
I sometimes can't tell if that has become an excuse.
I have noticed when someone tells her a particular reaction is normal she will use that reaction because it has been "okayed". Any Advice will be greatly appreciated.
?
Signed,
Mother at the ends of her rope
_______________________________
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To the mom who wrote this:? Don't identify yourself in this forum; don't claim the writing.? Things here are public; it's not a private group.??
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Re: "Concerned Parent" / stepmother
***Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY.*** I remember a long time ago yelling at my son to not to yell.? We both ended up laughing about that then, but he was very young, and very forgiving.? Many teenagers seem to have a visceral objection to hypocrisy.? If you were not kind and respectful in your interaction with your stepdaughter, she may find your input/criticism of her behaviour difficult to take to heart without resentment.? If your teen also has a history of trauma and a pattern of untrustworthy behaviour from a caregiver, then it's not hard to understand her defensiveness either.? Move forward compassionately and gently.? Perhaps, instead of "calling her out" you can try to help her understand what you expect.? This might sound like semantics, but it's not.? It's a shift in attitude away from authoritarianism toward partnership.
***When I have gotten to the point where I am in tears and losing sleep I will let her dad know what is going on.***??
Probably it will be healthier for you and for everyone in your family to *not* wait until you are in tears and losing sleep.? It might be a good idea to spend some time thinking about why you don't feel comfortable/capable of talking with her dad before you get to that point.? It might be a good idea for you to speak with a therapist about what you are feeling and experiencing too.? ??
***Her dad has recently admitted he needs to not be so defensive over her and trust me more with her.***
I don't think it's a good idea to put dad in the position of feeling like he has to choose sides here.? It's natural for him to be defensive of her.? That's a good instinct.? Perhaps you can help him use his instincts in a way that supports both his daughter and you by not standing in opposition to his daughter.??
***I need some help because what I am doing is not helping and she is not really willing to change.***
I think it's too much to expect the daughter to do all the changing.? It sounds like the dynamic in the family needs to change, which means you will need to change too. You will need to adjust your expectations and amp up your creative problem solving skills.? This could be really helpful:??
You've all capped a few words in your writing:
EVERYTHING
HATES
DRASTICALLY
EVER
EVER
They're quite extreme words.? When this kind of thinking arises for you, take a moment to try to think of words that are more balanced.? The more you can balance your own thoughts and emotions, the better you can model calm, clear thinking for your family.? You might find this helpful too:
Karen James
I've brought a post without the name.? The original poster named it "Concerned Parent."
______________________________________
?
I am a stepmother?to a 15 year old girl. I have been in her life for about 4 years.?
Her mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. She would often disappear in the middle of night, leave her and her brother without food, and my stepdaughter would look for her mother in the middle of the night. She would never leave the house to look for her but she would go to a neighbor and ask to use their phone.
Her mother would promise to her that she would change and never would. Her father is EVERYTHING to her and she trusts him. She has a very close relationship with her father and does not have the typical father/teenage daughter relationship. She will still sit in his lap and lay on him and kiss his face several times in a row.
When I came into her life she thought I was the greatest woman she ever saw and wanted to be like me, until I called her out one day about her attitude. She doesn't like when things do not go her way (like most?kids/ teenagers don't). She HATES feeling like she has disappointed her father.
Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY. Whenever I ask her to do something or not do something she will deliberately do the opposite. When her father is not home she will stare me down, is very short with me, can be rude to my 7 year old daughter and my 15 year old son, and will stay in her room and hardly EVER smile.
As soon as her dad will return home she is the happiest kid EVER and is nice to me.
When I have gotten to the point where I am in tears and losing sleep I will let her dad know what is going on. We will sit down with her and she immediately?breaks into tears and then her dad feels so bad that nothing really happens.Sometimes she is even more mad at me after we confront her it gets worse for me.
I do not know what to do. Her dad has recently admitted he needs to not be so defensive over her and trust me more with her. I need some help because what I am doing is not helping and she is not really willing to change. She says it's because of her mom but I sometimes can't tell if that has become an excuse.
I have noticed when someone tells her a particular reaction is normal she will use that reaction because it has been "okayed". Any Advice will be greatly appreciated.
?
Signed,
Mother at the ends of her rope
_______________________________
?
To the mom who wrote this:? Don't identify yourself in this forum; don't claim the writing.? Things here are public; it's not a private group.??
?
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Re: "Concerned Parent" / stepmother
My first-pass advice is to stop doing anything that makes things worse¡ªnot just between the mom and step-daughter, but within any dyad in the family (step-siblings, parents, either-parent/any-child).
?
Do things that will make things softer, better, and more comfortable.
She loves and trusts her dad.? Don't mess that up.? If you insert yourself between them, you could ruin a marriage that has the potential to last decades after all of your/plural/collective kids are grown.?
Let her have her dad.? If you feel jealous or resentful, don't act it out like a teenager, even If there are people around you (or in your head) saying that your reaction is normal.?
It seems likely that it could help to read more about child development, and about the effects of alcoholism on others in the family. You're being affected by it too, indirectly, but your poor step-daughter could probably use help, too.? Resources are available.?
Covid-days make it harder, but there is literature, and it wouldn't hurt for you-the-mom to read through some of what you can find online even if you don't pass it on, but I hope you'll find things to pass on.? There are some sorts of online meetings, it seems, maybe.? She would need to have privacy for those, because that's part of it.
Having an alcoholic parent is harsh.? I didn't know until after I was 30 how much damage it can do, and I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics for three years. It changed my life in many good ways.
While you're figuring out what to do, don't make anything worse.
?
Sandra
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"Concerned Parent" / stepmother
I've brought a post without the name.? The original poster named it "Concerned Parent."
______________________________________
?
I am a stepmother?to a 15 year old girl. I have been in her life for about 4 years.?
Her mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. She would often disappear in the middle of night, leave her and her brother without food, and my stepdaughter would look for her mother in the middle of the night. She would never leave the house to look for her but she would go to a neighbor and ask to use their phone.
Her mother would promise to her that she would change and never would. Her father is EVERYTHING to her and she trusts him. She has a very close relationship with her father and does not have the typical father/teenage daughter relationship. She will still sit in his lap and lay on him and kiss his face several times in a row.
When I came into her life she thought I was the greatest woman she ever saw and wanted to be like me, until I called her out one day about her attitude. She doesn't like when things do not go her way (like most?kids/ teenagers don't). She HATES feeling like she has disappointed her father.
Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY. Whenever I ask her to do something or not do something she will deliberately do the opposite. When her father is not home she will stare me down, is very short with me, can be rude to my 7 year old daughter and my 15 year old son, and will stay in her room and hardly EVER smile.
As soon as her dad will return home she is the happiest kid EVER and is nice to me.
When I have gotten to the point where I am in tears and losing sleep I will let her dad know what is going on. We will sit down with her and she immediately?breaks into tears and then her dad feels so bad that nothing really happens.Sometimes she is even more mad at me after we confront her it gets worse for me.
I do not know what to do. Her dad has recently admitted he needs to not be so defensive over her and trust me more with her. I need some help because what I am doing is not helping and she is not really willing to change. She says it's because of her mom but I sometimes can't tell if that has become an excuse.
I have noticed when someone tells her a particular reaction is normal she will use that reaction because it has been "okayed". Any Advice will be greatly appreciated.
?
Signed,
Mother at the ends of her rope
_______________________________
?
To the mom who wrote this:? Don't identify yourself in this forum; don't claim the writing.? Things here are public; it's not a private group.??
?
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?
Found this on the page on tone of voice:
Su Penn wrote:
What struck me about this is that this is exactly the kind of thing my partner David and I might say to each other. "I'm really crashed...I wish I could stay up with you for awhile, but I have to go to bed. I've got a load of laundry in and the dishwasher's ready to go. If you happen to think of it, it would be a big help if you started the dishwasher after the washing machine finishes up. I fed the cats when I was downstairs loading the washer."
Just normal good-night/house business between family members. How cool (there's that word) that you have that with Holly. No wonder she likes you.
____________
You can see the little story to which Su responded here:??
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I'm still looking for these analogies to treating kids as we would treat an adult friend, or partner.? ?I should collect them somewhere. :-)
Maya L. wrote this:
"One from Joyce that has been a continual compass is "how would I feel about my marriage if my husband said that to me or treated me this way [that I am about to do/say to my kids]?" If the answer isn't?wonderful and close, then don't do it. That one almost always clears the un-thoughtful, junk behavior out, haha.?"
?
That was from the middle of this larger paragraph:
"I just am so grateful.? We all have so much fun together.? I did not know how to do any of this, or be the person who could be their mother in this way, before I found you all.? Sandra, Joyce, Pam, Deb, Alex, Diana, Rue, Schuyler, many others.? There have been so many points of learning for me and changing old thought patterns. One from Joyce that has been a continual compass is "how would I feel about my marriage if my husband said that to me or treated me this way [that I am about to do/say to my kids]?" If the answer isn't?wonderful and close, then don't do it. That one almost always clears the un-thoughtful, junk behavior out, haha. My daughter said recently, "I'm so glad I don't have to fight with my mom the way [her friend] does. They seem so unhappy."? WOW.? I mean, we DO fight, usually about space because we live in a very small house and can get on each others nerves.? But its okay, we work it out. "
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...which is part of this larger post in 2016:
/g/AlwaysLearning/message/76983
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I might have found it! (Re: Looking for a story)
#partnership
Karen, maybe this is what you're remembering. If not, it's still pretty cool.
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?
This and much more there, mostly by Joyce:
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Think about how you¡¯d want a friend to ask for your help fixing a car or doing something you didn¡¯t really enjoy. You could probably think of dozens of other things you¡¯d rather do with your time. And that¡¯s something your friend should realize and appreciate.
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So how could your friend ask for help? And how should she treat you while you helped? And how should she treat you after, to acknowledge that she really appreciated you giving her some of your valuable time to do something she knew you really didn't want to do?
_______________________________
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I hope this has what you needed, and I hope it's not too late!
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Sandra
-- (If this doesn't look like Sandra Dodd's e-mail, it is one.? "AElflaed" is my medieval-studies/SCA name.)
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"Yes!" and Positivity and "lifting a finger"? (and more site news)
I lifted Joyce's amendment of "Always Say Yes" and so there is new art and formatting and a direct link:
NEW completely, about not sharing negativity, and why it's harmful. Accounts of more joy, photo, links:
New "phrase to avoid" added: "...won't lift a finger to help around the house" (plus commentary and links)
________________________________Also new, but still in editing:
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Chat transcript about the sections of The Big Book of Unschooling, on Experiences, and Building a Nest.
pages 123-125 of??(2009 edition)?
(pages 135-137 in 2019 edition)
Other things are having repairs, refurbishing, debuts, very often these days.
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Happy September!?
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Sandra
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--
(If this doesn't look like Sandra Dodd's e-mail, it is one.? "AElflaed" is my medieval-studies/SCA name.)
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Site news, "Struggle" (don't), and lots of photos
I'm going to experiment with bringing the whole post, so if there's a mess from here down, sorry about that.
?
The "struggle" page has a sweet new quote (up top) and a video restored.
Cleaned up, narrowed...
I finished the restoration of . Links to photos needed to be changed¡ªall of them, in early years (from photobucket to SandraDodd.com) and then for a few years half, and all the "http"s needed to become "https," and a few other formulaic format improvements.? Of the nearly 3900 posts, I changed all but about 300 (which were the most recent, and already "up to code").
I finished that earlier this month, after a little over a year of working on it a few hours at a time as often as I could persuade myself.? Now I've moved on to webpages.
My advisor and rescuer in all of this is Vlad Gurdiga, who figures out little bits of code I can use to make big changes.? Many pages have been made narrower, for reading more easily on a phone.? Some can't be, and some I won't get to, but increasingly, gradually, things are better.
Another thing Vlad found for me was a magic spell (okay, two lines of code, and the back-end support) that will put a folder full of photos up as a gallery, and I've made my travel photos work!? When you're through looking at a set, click the "x" in the top right.
Travel Photos:
Some of the blogpage links from this page might have some image glitches or missing videos, but I will eventually repair them all, I hope.
photo (a link) by Sandra Dodd, at Archeon, in The Netherlands
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RobynC
Karen James