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Re: "Concerned Parent" / stepmother

 

***Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY.***

I remember a long time ago yelling at my son to not to yell.? We both ended up laughing about that then, but he was very young, and very forgiving.?

Many teenagers seem to have a visceral objection to hypocrisy.? If you were not kind and respectful in your interaction with your stepdaughter, she may find your input/criticism of her behaviour difficult to take to heart without resentment.? If your teen also has a history of trauma and a pattern of untrustworthy behaviour from a caregiver, then it's not hard to understand her defensiveness either.? Move forward compassionately and gently.? Perhaps, instead of "calling her out" you can try to help her understand what you expect.? This might sound like semantics, but it's not.? It's a shift in attitude away from authoritarianism toward partnership.

***When I have gotten to the point where I am in tears and losing sleep I will let her dad know what is going on.***??

Probably it will be healthier for you and for everyone in your family to *not* wait until you are in tears and losing sleep.? It might be a good idea to spend some time thinking about why you don't feel comfortable/capable of talking with her dad before you get to that point.? It might be a good idea for you to speak with a therapist about what you are feeling and experiencing too.? ??

***Her dad has recently admitted he needs to not be so defensive over her and trust me more with her.***

I don't think it's a good idea to put dad in the position of feeling like he has to choose sides here.? It's natural for him to be defensive of her.? That's a good instinct.? Perhaps you can help him use his instincts in a way that supports both his daughter and you by not standing in opposition to his daughter.??

***I need some help because what I am doing is not helping and she is not really willing to change.***

I think it's too much to expect the daughter to do all the changing.? It sounds like the dynamic in the family needs to change, which means you will need to change too. You will need to adjust your expectations and amp up your creative problem solving skills.? This could be really helpful:??



You've all capped a few words in your writing:

EVERYTHING
HATES
DRASTICALLY
EVER
EVER

They're quite extreme words.? When this kind of thinking arises for you, take a moment to try to think of words that are more balanced.? The more you can balance your own thoughts and emotions, the better you can model calm, clear thinking for your family.? You might find this helpful too:



Karen James

On Thu, Oct 7, 2021 at 5:32 PM Sandra Dodd <[email protected]> wrote:
I've brought a post without the name.? The original poster named it "Concerned Parent."
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I am a stepmother?to a 15 year old girl. I have been in her life for about 4 years.?

Her mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. She would often disappear in the middle of night, leave her and her brother without food, and my stepdaughter would look for her mother in the middle of the night. She would never leave the house to look for her but she would go to a neighbor and ask to use their phone.

Her mother would promise to her that she would change and never would. Her father is EVERYTHING to her and she trusts him. She has a very close relationship with her father and does not have the typical father/teenage daughter relationship. She will still sit in his lap and lay on him and kiss his face several times in a row.

When I came into her life she thought I was the greatest woman she ever saw and wanted to be like me, until I called her out one day about her attitude. She doesn't like when things do not go her way (like most?kids/ teenagers don't). She HATES feeling like she has disappointed her father.

Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY. Whenever I ask her to do something or not do something she will deliberately do the opposite. When her father is not home she will stare me down, is very short with me, can be rude to my 7 year old daughter and my 15 year old son, and will stay in her room and hardly EVER smile.

As soon as her dad will return home she is the happiest kid EVER and is nice to me.

When I have gotten to the point where I am in tears and losing sleep I will let her dad know what is going on. We will sit down with her and she immediately?breaks into tears and then her dad feels so bad that nothing really happens.Sometimes she is even more mad at me after we confront her it gets worse for me.

I do not know what to do. Her dad has recently admitted he needs to not be so defensive over her and trust me more with her. I need some help because what I am doing is not helping and she is not really willing to change. She says it's because of her mom but I sometimes can't tell if that has become an excuse.

I have noticed when someone tells her a particular reaction is normal she will use that reaction because it has been "okayed". Any Advice will be greatly appreciated.
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Signed,
Mother at the ends of her rope
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To the mom who wrote this:? Don't identify yourself in this forum; don't claim the writing.? Things here are public; it's not a private group.??

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