I've brought a post without the name.? The original poster named it "Concerned Parent."

______________________________________

?

I am a stepmother?to a 15 year old girl. I have been in her life for about 4 years.?

Her mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. She would often disappear in the middle of night, leave her and her brother without food, and my stepdaughter would look for her mother in the middle of the night. She would never leave the house to look for her but she would go to a neighbor and ask to use their phone.

Her mother would promise to her that she would change and never would. Her father is EVERYTHING to her and she trusts him. She has a very close relationship with her father and does not have the typical father/teenage daughter relationship. She will still sit in his lap and lay on him and kiss his face several times in a row.

When I came into her life she thought I was the greatest woman she ever saw and wanted to be like me, until I called her out one day about her attitude. She doesn't like when things do not go her way (like most?kids/ teenagers don't). She HATES feeling like she has disappointed her father.

Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY. Whenever I ask her to do something or not do something she will deliberately do the opposite. When her father is not home she will stare me down, is very short with me, can be rude to my 7 year old daughter and my 15 year old son, and will stay in her room and hardly EVER smile.

As soon as her dad will return home she is the happiest kid EVER and is nice to me.

When I have gotten to the point where I am in tears and losing sleep I will let her dad know what is going on. We will sit down with her and she immediately?breaks into tears and then her dad feels so bad that nothing really happens.Sometimes she is even more mad at me after we confront her it gets worse for me.

I do not know what to do. Her dad has recently admitted he needs to not be so defensive over her and trust me more with her. I need some help because what I am doing is not helping and she is not really willing to change. She says it's because of her mom but I sometimes can't tell if that has become an excuse.

I have noticed when someone tells her a particular reaction is normal she will use that reaction because it has been "okayed". Any Advice will be greatly appreciated.

?

Signed,

Mother at the ends of her rope

_______________________________

?

To the mom who wrote this:? Don't identify yourself in this forum; don't claim the writing.? Things here are public; it's not a private group.??

?

#78795

My first-pass advice is to stop doing anything that makes things worse—not just between the mom and step-daughter, but within any dyad in the family (step-siblings, parents, either-parent/any-child).

?

Do things that will make things softer, better, and more comfortable.

She loves and trusts her dad.? Don't mess that up.? If you insert yourself between them, you could ruin a marriage that has the potential to last decades after all of your/plural/collective kids are grown.?

Let her have her dad.? If you feel jealous or resentful, don't act it out like a teenager, even If there are people around you (or in your head) saying that your reaction is normal.?

It seems likely that it could help to read more about child development, and about the effects of alcoholism on others in the family. You're being affected by it too, indirectly, but your poor step-daughter could probably use help, too.? Resources are available.?

Covid-days make it harder, but there is literature, and it wouldn't hurt for you-the-mom to read through some of what you can find online even if you don't pass it on, but I hope you'll find things to pass on.? There are some sorts of online meetings, it seems, maybe.? She would need to have privacy for those, because that's part of it.

Having an alcoholic parent is harsh.? I didn't know until after I was 30 how much damage it can do, and I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics for three years. It changed my life in many good ways.

While you're figuring out what to do, don't make anything worse.

?

Sandra

?

#78796

***Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY.***

I remember a long time ago yelling at my son to not to yell.? We both ended up laughing about that then, but he was very young, and very forgiving.?

Many teenagers seem to have a visceral objection to hypocrisy.? If you were not kind and respectful in your interaction with your stepdaughter, she may find your input/criticism of her behaviour difficult to take to heart without resentment.? If your teen also has a history of trauma and a pattern of untrustworthy behaviour from a caregiver, then it's not hard to understand her defensiveness either.? Move forward compassionately and gently.? Perhaps, instead of "calling her out" you can try to help her understand what you expect.? This might sound like semantics, but it's not.? It's a shift in attitude away from authoritarianism toward partnership.

***When I have gotten to the point where I am in tears and losing sleep I will let her dad know what is going on.***??

Probably it will be healthier for you and for everyone in your family to *not* wait until you are in tears and losing sleep.? It might be a good idea to spend some time thinking about why you don't feel comfortable/capable of talking with her dad before you get to that point.? It might be a good idea for you to speak with a therapist about what you are feeling and experiencing too.? ??

***Her dad has recently admitted he needs to not be so defensive over her and trust me more with her.***

I don't think it's a good idea to put dad in the position of feeling like he has to choose sides here.? It's natural for him to be defensive of her.? That's a good instinct.? Perhaps you can help him use his instincts in a way that supports both his daughter and you by not standing in opposition to his daughter.??

***I need some help because what I am doing is not helping and she is not really willing to change.***

I think it's too much to expect the daughter to do all the changing.? It sounds like the dynamic in the family needs to change, which means you will need to change too. You will need to adjust your expectations and amp up your creative problem solving skills.? This could be really helpful:??

You've all capped a few words in your writing:

EVERYTHING

HATES

DRASTICALLY

EVER

They're quite extreme words.? When this kind of thinking arises for you, take a moment to try to think of words that are more balanced.? The more you can balance your own thoughts and emotions, the better you can model calm, clear thinking for your family.? You might find this helpful too:

Karen James

Show quoted text

On Thu, Oct 7, 2021 at 5:32 PM Sandra Dodd <[email protected]> wrote:

I've brought a post without the name.? The original poster named it "Concerned Parent."

______________________________________

?

I am a stepmother?to a 15 year old girl. I have been in her life for about 4 years.?

Her mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. She would often disappear in the middle of night, leave her and her brother without food, and my stepdaughter would look for her mother in the middle of the night. She would never leave the house to look for her but she would go to a neighbor and ask to use their phone.

Her mother would promise to her that she would change and never would. Her father is EVERYTHING to her and she trusts him. She has a very close relationship with her father and does not have the typical father/teenage daughter relationship. She will still sit in his lap and lay on him and kiss his face several times in a row.

When I came into her life she thought I was the greatest woman she ever saw and wanted to be like me, until I called her out one day about her attitude. She doesn't like when things do not go her way (like most?kids/ teenagers don't). She HATES feeling like she has disappointed her father.

Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY. Whenever I ask her to do something or not do something she will deliberately do the opposite. When her father is not home she will stare me down, is very short with me, can be rude to my 7 year old daughter and my 15 year old son, and will stay in her room and hardly EVER smile.

As soon as her dad will return home she is the happiest kid EVER and is nice to me.

When I have gotten to the point where I am in tears and losing sleep I will let her dad know what is going on. We will sit down with her and she immediately?breaks into tears and then her dad feels so bad that nothing really happens.Sometimes she is even more mad at me after we confront her it gets worse for me.

I do not know what to do. Her dad has recently admitted he needs to not be so defensive over her and trust me more with her. I need some help because what I am doing is not helping and she is not really willing to change. She says it's because of her mom but I sometimes can't tell if that has become an excuse.

I have noticed when someone tells her a particular reaction is normal she will use that reaction because it has been "okayed". Any Advice will be greatly appreciated.

?

Signed,

Mother at the ends of her rope

_______________________________

?

To the mom who wrote this:? Don't identify yourself in this forum; don't claim the writing.? Things here are public; it's not a private group.??

?

?

#78797

开云体育

I have been a 15 year old angry stepdaughter.? And even though my upbringing wasn't anything like as traumatic as your step-daughters, I was still an extremely angry teenager - especially angry at my both my parents, and my step-parents, who I blamed for their prior behaviour that resulted in me being a step-child and split between two families.?

== until I called her out one day about her attitude.==
This smacks of conventional thought. 'Called her out' - seems very unkind. 'Attitude' sounds like a cliche.?

== She doesn't like when things do not go her way (like most?kids/ teenagers don't).== Like most PEOPLE don't.?

?==She HATES feeling like she has disappointed her father.==

Then don't do things that make her feel like that. Her Dad is clearly her safe place.

==Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY.==

Yep - she's showing you that if you call her rude and disrespectful - then that's what she'll be. You lost her trust, and you probably made her feel awful about herself, and so she's reacting to that.

==.Sometimes she is even more mad at me after we confront her it gets worse for me.==

I feel so, so awful for her. No one likes to be 'confronted'. To be shamed and sat in front of her Dad and told off like a little kid - my Step mom and my Dad used to do that to me, too, and it made me angrier, so, so much angrier, particularly at my step-mom for 'telling' on me. I stopped visiting them as soon as I was old enough to say I didn't want to go (about 16) - I guess this kid can't do that, though - unless she just leaves home in a year.

==I do not know what to do. ==

Win her trust back. Though it's going to take a while. Don't 'tell' on her to her Dad and make him the go-between you. Perhaps she might benefit from counselling, if that's something she's willing to consider - she had an extremely traumatic childhood and probably has some form of PTSD from her Moms behaviour (and possibly her Dad's, depending on whether he left them, or whatever).

I'm not sure if you are unschooling her, her step-siblings, or whatever.?But, I think you should apologise for your behaviour - for 'calling her out' and for telling on her to her Dad. Do what brings joy -??be kind. Be patient. Remember what it was like to be 15 - it's hard. Really - even if your parents are still together. Certainly, moreso after a messed-up childhood.?

What does she love to do? Can you shop together? Does she like to do make-up - some girl-time together? Movies? Mend your relationship, be the person you wished you'd had when you were 15 and confused about life and your place in it.?

Jo

Show quoted text

From: [email protected] <[email protected]> on behalf of Sandra Dodd <[email protected]>
Sent: 08 October 2021 11:32
To: [email protected] <[email protected]>
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] "Concerned Parent" / stepmother

?

I've brought a post without the name.? The original poster named it "Concerned Parent."

______________________________________

?

I am a stepmother?to a 15 year old girl. I have been in her life for about 4 years.?

Her mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. She would often disappear in the middle of night, leave her and her brother without food, and my stepdaughter would look for her mother in the middle of the night. She would never leave the house to look for her but she would go to a neighbor and ask to use their phone.

Her mother would promise to her that she would change and never would. Her father is EVERYTHING to her and she trusts him. She has a very close relationship with her father and does not have the typical father/teenage daughter relationship. She will still sit in his lap and lay on him and kiss his face several times in a row.

When I came into her life she thought I was the greatest woman she ever saw and wanted to be like me, until I called her out one day about her attitude. She doesn't like when things do not go her way (like most?kids/ teenagers don't). She HATES feeling like she has disappointed her father.

Ever since I called her out for being rude and disrespectful our relationship changed DRASTICALLY. Whenever I ask her to do something or not do something she will deliberately do the opposite. When her father is not home she will stare me down, is very short with me, can be rude to my 7 year old daughter and my 15 year old son, and will stay in her room and hardly EVER smile.

As soon as her dad will return home she is the happiest kid EVER and is nice to me.

When I have gotten to the point where I am in tears and losing sleep I will let her dad know what is going on. We will sit down with her and she immediately?breaks into tears and then her dad feels so bad that nothing really happens.Sometimes she is even more mad at me after we confront her it gets worse for me.

I do not know what to do. Her dad has recently admitted he needs to not be so defensive over her and trust me more with her. I need some help because what I am doing is not helping and she is not really willing to change. She says it's because of her mom but I sometimes can't tell if that has become an excuse.

I have noticed when someone tells her a particular reaction is normal she will use that reaction because it has been "okayed". Any Advice will be greatly appreciated.

?

Signed,

Mother at the ends of her rope

_______________________________

?

To the mom who wrote this:? Don't identify yourself in this forum; don't claim the writing.? Things here are public; it's not a private group.??

?

#78798

As I read the mail by the parent, I felt very sad for the step-daughter. With a mom with addiction and one who neglected her daughter, I can imagine the deep sense of abandonment for her. And often this sense of abandonment never goes away for a lot of human beings, but people learn to cope with the help of other loving and trusting adults and therapy. I also enpathise with the step-parent. But as an adult perhaps she too needs therapy and counselling to understand how to be in a loving relationship with a child with trauma and a spouse who is seeking a new loving mature and kind marriage. So I hope she gets all the help she needs to build a kind and trusting bond with her step-daughter and husband.

?

The daughter's relationship with her father is all she has as something stable and secure for now, I hope that is not broken ever.?

?

I feel the couple need to work together to provide stability, safety and security to the daughter. Even the dad needs therapy and some professional support to be the support he needs to be to his daughter and his present spouse. He too must be dealing with trauma of being earlier with a spouse who could not provide love and care and share responsibilities.

?

To look at the child's behaviour as a defense mechanism the child has adopted to protect her vulnerabilities, might support the step-mom to see why she need not 'call out' or 'complain to the dad'.

?

Dola

?

Show quoted text

[edited by Sandra—I deleted the other appended posts]

#78823

I am late getting back here.? I had hoped the mom would answer my e-mail to her so I could clarify some things, for the group, still keeping her anonymous.

Karen, Jo and Dola all wrote beautiful responses, and it was probably enough for her, and she didn't need more particular help.??

I hope if the original mom was not helped by it, that others reading were.

Below is most of what I wrote to her.? The part I'm not sharing is the particular questions about whose kids were whose and about the e-mail address (a school district e-mail, but a district I could look up and they do have an alternative school and a virtual school along with all the "brick and mortar" schools).? I had no response, though.

I hope quoting this much will help others, though, too.?

So, me to a person whose post I did NOT let through as it was, with her real name and all:

?

Show quoted text

I was going to apologize for not having seen your post for over a week. I love that new site, except that I don't always get notifications.

You posted a question the first day you joined, though, and so I have some questions.? I'm willing to post the question anonymously, but if I do that, don't respond in such a way that you claim it or identify yourself?with it.? The group is publicly?visible, for good reasons, and I want it to be, so questions should be less emotional, and less revealing of other people's trauma than if you were writing to two friends on the side.??

It's not a busy group these days, but it IS a big one.? And google can find it, and there are many links to it from my website.

My main question, though, is whether you're unschooling.? There was no mention of that, and the questions didn't seem to be based on applying unschooling principles.??

I'll put it up, and also break it into more paragraphs so it's easier to read.

?If you could let me know more on the side, I can clarify over there and maybe get you better ideas.

--