Around the age of 15, Ethan started strongly opposing a lot of my ways and opinions.? He even refused?my hugs!? We were so in sync when he was young.? He was always so cuddly--always so close.? This change surprised me--hurt me a little, if I'm honest.? It worried me too.? I began to doubt myself--to wonder if we were ever as close as I had thought we were.??
I noticed something one day when he was adamantly arguing about something that seemed kind of trivial to me.? I was starting to feel a bit weary, wondering why this was suddenly happening so much. Instead of judging what he was doing, however, I looked more closely at *him* and considered what he might be needing.? I noticed in that moment, that he was still looking to me for love and acceptance, even as he pushed himself in this other direction.?
A lightbulb went off, brightening things up for me a bit,?thankfully.? I could see that this was really just another opportunity for him to learn something more about himself.? So,?I engaged.? For the next year or so, we argued a lot (in my mind, I called it debating :D), but I made sure not to make it about me as much as possible.? I saw it more as an opportunity for him to learn to make sound (and increasingly calmer, I noticed) arguments as he defined his own ideas and beliefs and place in the world.? I was a bit sad because I knew this meant that he was really growing up, but I allowed myself to become the board he leapt from.? I wanted to be as solid as I could for him, so that he could leap with momentum and grace into this next big phase of his life.
I love unschooling for this.? I love that it has challenged me over and over again, as he grows and changes, to look at *him* to find what he is needing from me and from the world around him.? Ethan will be 18 this month.? We argue a lot less these?days over little things, but we still have some in-depth discussions.? I love talking with him.? He's such an interesting person.? Lately, he's become affectionate again too.? He gives me a side hug now, wrapping his arm around my neck and pulling me in.? He's 6' 3" so he rests his?chin on my head.? Interestingly, I have a photo of my dad giving his mom a similar hug when he was around Ethan's age.? I've never thought about that before.? Ethan's personality is a lot like my dad's was, so that's kind of a cool and beautiful connection for me to realize just now.? <3
Karen James