?
THE POSTMAN
You know, generally speaking, life can be pretty tough
sometimes. It gives us a lot of hard things to do. Going
to work every day, or raising a family are just a couple
examples of things that can be difficult. On the other?
hand there are some things that are easier for some people
to do than others. For example, one thing I am certain of is?
that senility will most likely be a smooth trasition for me
That is just one thing in life that I can probably bank on
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
?
Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more?
successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that?
he was overshadowed by her and henpecked.?
Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off.?
One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question AGAIN, "Who?
wears the pants in your family?"?
"I do," replied Doug. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash?
and iron them."?
Why does Miss Piggy douche with Honey?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. ?
?
A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling?
his friend all about his experience. ?
Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized. ?
Friend: How so? ?
Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food. ?
They had a drug nurse who? gave you drugs. ?
They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee. ?
Then there was the head nurse... ?
?
?
?
There once was a man from Peru?
Who fell asleep in a canoe?
While thinking of Venus,?
He pulled out his penis?
And woke up with a hand full of goo ! ?
?
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.?
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long,?
grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man."Can you put me up for the night?"?
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as?
lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese?
tortures known to man." ?"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be?
pretty old as well, and entered the house.?Before dinner, the daughter came down?
the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously?
attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.?
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But?
during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a?
night of passion.?He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.?
Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.?
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on?
his chest with a note on it that read,?"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."?
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.?"If that's the best the old man can do then?
I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window?
and threw the boulder out.?As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:?
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." ?In a panic he glanced down and saw the?
rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better?
than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.?As he plummeted downward he?
saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."?
?
just in case
?
when you make it through another day
?
my wife ran away
?
I paid attention
?
Urban outfitters
?
welcome to adulthood
?
road rage
?
have you ever
?
leave the bubble wrap alone
?
homeless people
?
inspirational
?
say your prayers
?
I saw Pete this morning
?
20 extra years
?
communicate better
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So I am in the habit of rewarding Turk the dog aka Carlos?
right when he does his business, right? He comes in from outside and he
knows the scoop. Treats are kept on top of the fridge, and he comes in
and parks himself there, looking up, licking his chops. So the other day, there
were a few potato chips on the kitchen table. So, instead of a "treat" I
threw a handful of chips on the floor thinking he would like the change. He
did, in fact, wolf them all down quickly. But after they are gone, I look and
there he is, staring up at the fridge, still licking his chops. The look on his face,
"Ok fat boy, the chips were good, but I wanna have a proper treat"?
Gotta love dogs:)
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
?
?
In the middle of his sermon, the visiting Minster stopped, and
called one of the ushers. He pointed to a man in the 5th row.?
"That man is sound asleep, go and wake him."?
The usher shook his head and said, "Wake him yourself, you put him?
to sleep!"?
??
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a (ok)?
lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost?
230,000 miles on it.?
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with?
at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility?
to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."?
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only?
sell the car."?
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend?
of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and?
he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore?
trying to sell your car."?
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the?
mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the?
blonde, "Did you sell your car?"?
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000?
miles on it!"?
??
Norman and his blonde wife live in Maryland One winter morning while?
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to?
have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even?
numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."?
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are?
eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5?
inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side?
of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes?
out and moves her car again.?
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio?
announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You?
must park...........", then the electric power goes out.?
Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says,?
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"?
??
A blonde's car breaks down on the M25 one day.?
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.?
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the boot.?
Out of the boot jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the?
vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their?
coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...?
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the history of this motorway ?
occurs.?It's not very long before a police car shows up.?
The copper, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle?
yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"?
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts?
doing here by the road?" asks the old bill.?
And she said "Those are my emergency flashers!"?
??
A blonde is on a four-engine plane. All of a sudden there's?
a loud bang. The pilot comes on the radio and says, "I'm?
sorry, our first engine has just shut off. We'll be delayed?
45 minutes."?Then there's another bang. Once again, the radio comes on?
and the pilot says the same thing except that the second?
engine shut down and that they'll be delayed nearly two hours.?
After that, the third engine shuts off and the pilot tells?
the passengers that they will be delayed 3 hours. The?
blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man,?
if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day."?
?
A blonde is looking through the classifieds for a job?
when she sees an opening at the M&M factory:?
"No experience needed! Start work the first day.!" So?
the next day she goes over bright and early and lands?
a job as the candy inspector, throwing out all the?
defective M&M's.?
The next week the boss calls her into his office and says,?
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go."?
"Why?" she asks. "What did I do wrong?"?
He frowns and says, "I've been watching you for a week?
trying to figure out what you were doing, and I finally?
figured it out this morning. Apparently, you've throwing?
out all the M&M's with W's on them.""?
?
parent teacher conference
?
learned my lesson
?
brocolli
?
pro tip
?
pulled my tit
?
our cell phone
?
is it just me
?
28 minutes
?
I wonder
?
catch a big fish
?
almost done
?
a new golf ball
?
alligators
?
tell the nurse
?
the best way
?
|
THE POSTMAN
Funny how fears change right? What are adults afraid of?
well, death, and sickness,right? As a young man, some of us remember
being afraid of being drafted, right? How about being alone?
The list goes on does it not? Fears are different when you?
are a kid. The unknown can conjure up all kinds of things
to be afraid of, and if you have only lived a few years, the
world is a big place, right? Funny thing, I remember when I was
a kid I was scared to turn out the light. Now as an adult, I get?
my electric bill, and then I am scared to turn on the light!?
Go figger.
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I?
want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains?
cremated."?"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your?
ashes?"?The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to?
the Inland Revenue and write on the envelope, " Now you have everything.'"??
?
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting?
goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little?
perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty?
blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily?
greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today?
before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do?
his thing.?Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling,?
"Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new?
Mercedes!"?"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"?
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license?
plate number!"?
?
Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don't like their brains being screwed with.
?
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest?
tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying?
"you do God's work."?The next morning the barber found a?
dozen bibles at the? door to his shop.?
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again?
the barber refused payment saying "you protect the public."?
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the?
door to his shop.?A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut,?
and again the? barber refused payment saying "you serve the?
justice? system."?The next morning the barber found a dozen?
lawyers waiting? for a haircut.? ?
?
wake up in the morning
?
if you are worried
?
center of attention
?
spare parts
?
update password
?
men don't grow up
?
dryer sheets
?
a multipurpose tool
?
arguing with a woman
?
a dna kit
?
you don't love me
?
bad kitty
?
for sale
?
star bucks
?
a success
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So, at 5 am there is not a whole lot to watch on tv.
And I was not too lucky finding anything of importance to
record on the dvr from the night before.? The ladies of the house?
have it filled mostly with Hallmark Christmas movies anyways so there
usually is not any space available. The only thing
at this hour seems to be Dr, Phil. Wonderful, right? So, what to
watch? I am sitting here watching the news,& weather... eGods!!!?
And the weather? I am never really quite sure what the guy means. What
is the difference between partly sunny, or partly cloudy? But I
think I heard it all today, the guy says, "We are gonna have
some filtered sun." Groan."This is suggestive of a moisture?
driven event." So how come the weather guy can't speak plain
English? Gonna snow! I am pretty sure its a conspiracy. He don't want a?
clear weather prediction, it could be wrong.
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
?
Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and?
they all had a great time.?A few days after they returned home, the men were?
sitting around talking about their trip.?"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!"?
says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11'?
all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"?"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies.?
"My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the?
bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"?
"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire?
time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"?
?
?
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter?
and pick up a sample bottle.?
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"?
"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"?
"Viens a moi."?
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"?
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."?
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like?
come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"?
?
Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard.?
Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy."?
Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."?
?
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the?
one I've never tried before.?
- Mae West (1892-1980)?
??
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain?
silent??
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting??
Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things??
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds??
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing??
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on??
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside??
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be under-whelmed, but can?
you just be whelmed??
If loe is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight??
What's the opposite of opposite??
??
A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The?
Bartender asks "Hey, are you a piece of rope?" The rope?
answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve rope."?
So the rope go's outside and ties himself in a knot and?
comes back in. "Gimme a beer," he says?
The bartender looks at him and asks "Hey, are you a piece?
of rope?"?
The rope answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve?
rope." So the rope go's outside and frays the top of his?
head. He walks back into the bar and says "Gimme a beer."?
The Bartender takes a long look at him and says' " Hey,?
aren't you that piece of rope?" and the rope say's "Nope,?
Frayed Knot."?
?
?the mushrooms
?
cured me
?
I made him choose
?
the body cam
?
they look so cute
?
check this out
?
I ain't sleepin
?
bubble gum
?
get offended easily
?
a mixup
?
a virgin birth
?
don't blame the holidays
?
when I die
?
the north pole
?
that's not it
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So, are you in the Christmas spirit?
Bah humbug.!! Not that I am a grinch,
but you know, the older you get, the?
less holiday spirit seems to infuse
you. Ever notice that? The war department
said the other day, "the grand kids are
coming over, we should put up the Christ
mas tree." I said, "Why? let them do it."
Somehow I get the feeling that was not the
response that she was expecting or appreciated.
So for me its kindof like this, unless you are
chocolate, coffee, alcohol, or bacon, then
oh, and cannabis...well then, oh, or porn...
well you know, you can just go away.
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
"Can you tell me where I will find the book 'Man, the Superior Sex?'?
The man asked the saleswoman.?
"Sure, it's upstairs in the science fiction department."?
?
Two geeks are sitting on a beach on a warm summer day watching a?
water skiier when suddenly the skiier falls and is under the water for
quite some time. ?"Hey we have to get that guy out before he drowns" one of?
them says. So the geeks both jump in the water and start frantically searching.?
Finally they find a limp body and swim it to shore. ?"This guy has swallowed water.?
We have to give him CPR". So one of the geeks starts giving him CPR. After a couple?
of minutes he looks up to the second geek and says "wow, this guy has bad breath!?
I can't continue this." ?So the other geek says "well get out of the way then. I?
can't let him die." So the second geek starts CPR. A couple of minutes later he also?
stops and says "you are right, he sure does have bad breath". ?The first geek says?
"something is funny here. Wasn't the guy that we were watching water skiing"? "Ya"?
responds the other geek, "so how come this guy is wearing ice skates?" ?
???
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge?
in pill form.?A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks?
what kind of knowledge?pills are available. The pharmacist says, 'Here's a pill for?
English literature.'?The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new?
knowledge about English?
literature! 'What else do you have?' asks the student. 'Well, I have pills for art?
history, biology, and world history,' replies the pharmacist. The student asks for?
these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student?
asks, 'Do you have a pill for math?' The pharmacist says, 'Wait just a moment.' He?
goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the?
counter. 'I have to take that huge pill for math?' inquires the student. The pharmacist?
replied, 'Well, you know ... math always was a little hard to swallow.'?
??
A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says,?
"Doc, I'm having problems hearing!" The Doctor says "Lets check this out." He looks?
into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here."?
Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"?
The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone? Need to tell the wife?
that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"?
???
?
?This man went into a night-club and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by her self at?
the bar, he asked her to dance. ??She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. ?
?While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "Your really smell terrific.?
What's that you have on?" ?
?The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. ?
?Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too.?
What is it that you have on?" ?
?"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied. ?
?
?
?
?
human nature
?
this could be us
?
??
?that is not a Christmas tree!
??
?
?do what makes you happy
?
?
?which machine
?
?
awkward moment
?
?
safety first
?
a horrible noise
?
love what you have done
?
still waiting
?
|
?
?
THE POSTMAN
It is that time of year. Everybody is asking me
Dad what do you want for Christmas?
Well, its not that I am a scrooge, really.
Altho I have been accused of such. But there
is one thing that really bugs me about this?
holiday. See, I can't answer that question, since
I can never think of anything I want for a
Christmas present. That is the thing, its not
that you have every thing you want actually.
The truth is, I have learned how to be happy
with every thing I have. If the world could?
figure that out, I think it would be a lot
happier place.
ENJOY THE JOKES
 
?
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he?
noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American?
Women Want." He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing?
through the pages. His wife was a little pissed. "Hey, what do you think?
you're doing?" He calmly replied,?
"I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
?
A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance?
to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an
examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour. Finally,?
she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, 'Please help me!'?
'Sorry,' he replied, 'it's not my table.' ?
?
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,?
and she's in tears. He says, ''So what's bothering you, dear?'' She says, '
'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.''?
The priest says, ''Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any?
last requests?'' She says, ''That he did, Father... ''The priest says,?
''What did he ask, Mary?'' She says, ''He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun...''. ?
?
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster.?
When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing?
him and hustling him into a squad car. Seeing my astonished frozen expression,?
one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon?
the next day... they mean it!" ?
?
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the?
dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a?
vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"?
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"?
?
?
put those back
?
Santa got my list
?
ain't no sunshine
?
when I have kids
?
Marley's ghost
?
makin lemonade
?
not a mechanic
?
read it again
?
hold on
?
my hobbies
?
the nativity
?
the problem with renewable energy
?
Shaggy says
?
snowblowers
?
a green smoothie
?
?
|
THE POSTMAN
I must tell you. There are some
really stupid things going on in
this world. Take for example, the
decision to stop teaching cursive
to our children. Do you realize how
traumatic that is going to be on our
male millennial children? They will never
be able to write their names in the
snow when they pee! Look at the
mental break downs that will cause!
ENJOY THE JOKES
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction
site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to
spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided
she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot
where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a
big smile asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their
heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into
the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled,
"His wife is here with his lunch."?
?
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat
next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance,
then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The women notices
this and asks, ''Is your date running late?'' ''No,'' he replies, ''Q has
just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'' The
intrigued woman says, ''A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?'' Bond explains, '' It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.''
The lady says, ''What's it telling you now?'' ''Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties....'' The woman giggles and replies, ''Well it must be
broken because I am wearing panties.'' Bond smirks, taps his watch
and says, ''Bloody thing's an hour fast.''?
?
During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he
was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so he the German doctor
amputated his arm. He had a request that they would drop his arm over
his base in England. So the Germans did. Then next week they amputated
his other arm and he asked for the same thing. So the Germans did. The
next week they amputated his leg and he again asked for them to drop it
over his base in England. The German doctor replied, Nein, Ve do dis no
more! The pilot asked why not, and the German answered,
Ve tink you trying to escape!?
?
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the
teacher asked, ''Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23
degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
longitude...?'' After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, '
'I guess you'd be eating alone.''?
?
?
?
drunk
this old
dominated
bed ridden
I want to marry
the maxi pad and the fart
engagement photo
you are the first
the sex is so good
the interview
before and after
bought this ring
Jack and Jill
Ethel came on the bus
the shoe shop burglary
|
?
?
THE POSTMAN
The war dept. and daughter were getting coats
and boots on...so I ask "Where ya going?"
"We are gonna go up to Aldi to the grocery store."
"Well if you are gonna go there, pick up some
chocolate donuts, the ones with sprinkles on em."
"Just yesterday you were talking about how you
wanted to make healthier choices. Donuts are NOT
healthy." "Yes they are! Well, anyways,
donuts are a lot healthier choice than a lot of
things! For example, donuts are healthier?
than crystal meth." Women, they just don't understand!
After failing to convince her of the better value
of donuts, I said. "OK just get some donuts with
no sprinkles then." You know, life is compromises,
right?
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
"Jimmy! I thought I told you to do the dishes after you do your?
homework! Why are you watching television?" "It's okay,?
Mom! I haven't done my homework yet."?
?
This old man goes to the doctor's. ''Help, Doc. I just got married?
to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is?
have sex all day long.'' ''So what's the problem?''?
''I can't remember where I live.''?
??
A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack,?
I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years?
and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been?
stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think?
another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
?
A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The?
income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked,?
and the air conditioning didn't work. People simply wouldn't?
come because of the heat. And the church didn't have the?
funds to pay for any repairs. The minister got a brilliant?
idea.?He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to?
cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain,?
swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a?
hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down?
the aisle and put $20 in the plate."?They did, and he had the church's?
roof fixed that week.?This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do?
it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want?
everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the?
offering plate."?They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the?
parking lot redone.?His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid?
in a long time. I deserve a little money."?He started swinging his watch again,?
and he thought, "I??deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve?
enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I?
deserve a lot more."?He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive,?
that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped?
from his grip, he yelled:?"Shit!"?
It took him two weeks to air out the church.?
?
diet coke cola
?
the water is cold
?
our collection letter
?
boobs
?
batteries
?
thank you for this food
?
the new chew toy
?
give me a fish
?
people
?
Santa hires a consultant
?
do you see the person
?
the employment agency
?
my old girlfriends house
?
reindeer fly
?
booking Uber
?
|
THE POSTMAN
OK So I hope every one has a happy holiday! I am gonna keep sending em out over
there for THE POSTMAN'S CORNER as long as yahoogroups keeps cooperating. But
I will take a little break here for THE POSTMAN. I will catch up with you after the holidays!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought?
it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?"?
he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.?
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
?"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought?
out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like?
to see something real cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.
?
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.?
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said 'who owns the big?
white horse outside?' The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and?
said, 'I do... Why?' The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, 'I just?
thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!' The Lone?
Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die?
from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water. The Lone Ranger?
turned to Tonto and said, 'Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you
can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.' Tonto said,?
'Sure, Kemosabe' and took off running circles around Silver. A few minutes?
later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, 'Who owns that big white
horse outside?' The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, 'I do, what's wrong?
with him this time?' The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,?
'Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'.'?
?
Two boys were arrested, one was drinking battery acid and one was eating fireworks.?
They charged one and let one off.?
??
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.?
It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down?
the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them.?
As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:?
''No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!''?
?
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The?
operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was?
reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. 'Mr. Smith, you're going?
to be just fine,' said the nun, gently patting his hand. 'We do need to know, however,?
how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?' 'No, I'm?
not,' the man whispered hoarsely. 'Can you pay in cash?' persisted the nun. 'I'm?
afraid I cannot, Sister.' 'Well, do you have any close relatives?' the nun said.?
'Just my sister in New Mexico,' he volunteered. 'But she's a humble spinster nun.'
?'Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God.'
?'Wonderful,' said Smith. 'In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.' ?
?
?
?
English class
?
the turkey dinner
?
have a look John
?
stop avoiding me
?
for senior beer drinkers
?
wear a bra
?
joy to the world
?
help me
?
Frosty is cold
?
want it tight
?
swearing is unattractive
?
Noah and the unicorns
?
wrong every time
?
out of your league
?
we got him a computer
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So the holidays are over. We are back to
the old routine. This is that time of year
that we suffer the good old cabin fever thing.
You know. we are all tired of sitting around?
for winter. We all are feeling regret over the?
extra pounds we gained this winter. So, what
to do? I decided that I am gonna eat healthy this
year!
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving?
card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma?
showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children?
liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh yeah?" her young?
grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"?
?
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching?
you!''while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, ''Who said that?!'' Once?
again he heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!'' The robber looked around?
the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot?
replied, ''Cornelius.'' The robber said, ''What kind of a name is that?! Who names?
a parrot that?!'' The parrot said, ''The same person who named that rottweiler?
behind you Jesus!'' ?
 ?A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It?
takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down?
the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to?
them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his?
and she yells: ''No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!''?
?
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary?
surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained?
consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was?
waiting by his bed. 'Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,' said the?
nun, gently patting his hand. 'We do need to know, however, how you?
intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?'?
'No, I'm not,' the man whispered hoarsely. 'Can you pay in cash?'?
persisted the nun. 'I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.' 'Well, do you have any?
close relatives?' the nun said. 'Just my sister in New Mexico,' he volunteered.?
'But she's a humble spinster nun.' 'Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith.?
Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God.' 'Wonderful,' said Smith.?
'In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.' ?
?
What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal?
and the scientific name in Latin.?
A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.?
?
?
irrisistable to men
?
the company website
?
complaint department
?
another computer
?
I got a computer
?
computer froze
?
this generation
?
resolutions
?
your greatest weakness
?
Frosty
?
cookies
?
free ice cream
?
dnew years resolution
?
the electric bill
?
your profile
|
THE POSTMAN
?so on New Years eve, I went to the liquor store.
She does not drink, would not take me,
so I rode my bike. On the way home,
I put the bottle on the bike and then thought, well
what if I fall. So, I drank the whole bottle before I
came home. Turned out to be a good decision, I fell
several times on the way.
ENJOY THE JOKES
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away?
from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.?
To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.?
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the
land of our fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must?
confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."?"Oi vey," replied the father, "what?
have I done?" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought?
his advice and solace.?"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend. "I, too,?
sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian." So in the tradition of the patriarchs,?
they went to the Rabbi.?"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi.?
"I, too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.? What is happening to our sons??
Brothers, we must take this to the Lord." They fell to their knees and began to pour out their?
hearts to the Almighty.?As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said,?
"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel..."?
??
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren,?
nieces and nephews, or students ...here is something to make you laugh.?Whenever your?
children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence?
did not extend to His own children.?After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.?
And the first thing he said was, "Don't."?"Don't what?" Adam replied.?
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.?"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve ...?
we have forbidden fruit!"?
"No way!"?
"Yes, way!"?
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.?
"Why?"?
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped?
creation after making the elephants).?
A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and was he ticked!?
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked??
"Uh huh," Adam replied.?
"Then why did you?" said the Father.?
"I don't know," said Eve.?
"She started it!" Adam said.?
"Did not!"?
"Did too!"?
"DID NOT!"?
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should?
have children of their own. ?Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is?
reassurance in this story. ?If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and?
they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made?
you think it would be a piece of cake for you??
??
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on?
the aspirin bottle:? "Take two aspirin"? and "Keep away from children."?You spend the first 2?
years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them?
to sit down and shut-up.?Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.?
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.?
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.?
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children?
more awful than your own.?
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!?
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.?
??
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.?
Unfortnately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. ?The captain saw him drunk and?
when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate?
was drunk today."?"Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months?
or years to my becoming a captain myself."?
"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.?
"Yes, its true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it?
goes into the log, end of discussion" said the captain sternly.?
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems?
in good shape. The captain was sober today."?
?
?
how to be a grownup
?
Tony
?
?
when I was 2
?
?
mowing the lawn
?
changed my password
?
distracted
?
not saying
?
Olympic condoms
?
because of Trump
?
what I am looking for
?
my new medical alert bracelet
?
the toad stool
?
you're the reason
?
a special man
?
mom what is that
?
|
?
THE POSTMAN
?These days, everything has blue tooth. So you gotta have a "smart one".
First it was smart tvs, right? Did you know they have smart refrigerators
now? A fridge w blue tooth. You are at the store...Do I need that?
It will tell you how many eggs you got at home. Now, I am not a real?
high tech kind of guy.I am still marveling
at the smart tv thing. The way I figure,
a real smart tv would turn up the volume when you are eating
potato chips.
ENJOY THE JOKES
Korea responds to Trump's drone strike
?
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was?
listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!" ?
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" ?
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" ?
"No," replied the man. ?
"Do you drink in excess?" ?
"No." replied the man. ?
"Do you have a sex life?" ?
"Yes, I do!" ?
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to?
give up half your sex life. ?
"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the?
thinking?"?
??
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer:? "Whack!"? "Fuck!" ?
Bad Skydiver:? "Fuck!!"? "Whack!!" ?
?
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a?
respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.?
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more?
unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.?
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"?
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."?
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."?
?
A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up??
pregnant.?Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order? she belonged to?
wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret? safe, possibly right up until?
the birth.?And so it did, and upon the evening? when the contractions started, she rushed?
down into the basement, hoping that? no one would hear either her own moaning, or the?
cries of the newborn child.?After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with?
the? baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order,? with no place for?
food or shelter.?Knowing that the Mother Superior was a? wise woman, and also having no other?
options, she placed the baby in a? basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in?
the pre-dawn? hours.?She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.?At sunrise, the?
Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just? waking from a nap. She quickly?
looked over the side of her bed, at the child? in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful?
look, and? dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any? more!?
?
A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while?
drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says?
"Put out or walk." The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks?
back to town.?The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends?
up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town. Same results. She says?
"I'll walk." And she does.?The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five?
miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his?
clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for. Later he asks her?
why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game. She?
answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles.?
But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhea."?
?
?
constipated
?
the next level
?
president Trump says
?
air freshener
?
in April
?
in that case
?
walk down the aisl
?
the guy next to me
?
on the first of January
?
masturbating
?
are you looking
?
telling me not to
?
both were too small
?
back in my day
?
wanna go clubbing tonight
?
|
?
?
THE POSTMAN
So we are sitting at the breakfast table and
the war department is talking about all the stuff
she "has to do today."
As she munches on her toast and peanut butter:
"I have to give Turk the dog aka Carlos the rat a?
bath today. I need to change the sheets upstairs. I
gotta...." And I listen,sipping my coffee as she rambles on.
Finally after a slight pause. she says,
"So what are your plans today Martin?"
My son, sitting quietly this whole time, listening, his eyeballs
get big and he says, "I know what dad is doing, same thing as?
yesterday. He is getting older n fatter."?
The war department turned to my son and said, "Don't forget
greyer." Sigh, you know, sometimes the
problem with your family is that they are so brutally honest.
ENJOY THE JOKES
? A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again,decided to leave a note?saying, "I've had enough and have left you, don't bother coming after me”.? Then she hid?
under the bed to see his reaction.? ? After a short while the husband comes home and she??
could hear him? in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom.? She could see him walking?
towards the dresser and pick up the note… After a few minutes he wrote something on it?
before picking up the? phone and calling someone.... “She's finally gone.? Yeah I know,??
about bloody time. I’m coming to see you.? Put on that sexy French? nightie.? I love you...
can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like”.? He hung up, grabbed his?
keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with
rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the? note to see what he wrote...? "I can see your feet.?
We're outta bread.? Back in 5 minutes."
?A Canadian guy, a Greek guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all?
have a couple of beers, and get to bragging. The Greek guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4?
beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team." Not to be outdone, the?
Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could?
form a hockey team." So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped.?
I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team." Pausing, briefly, the Middle?
Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one?
more and I would have a golf course!".
?
A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at?
another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne?
to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.? ? The waiter gets the bottle?
and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne?
and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan. The note read: "For me to accept?
this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."? ?
WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so?
you know I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even?
for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey."
?
A Blonde told her girlfriend, "I was so worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.?
And I was so relieved when he told me that all I needed was blinker fluid!" A blonde walked?
into the dentist office and sat down in the chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The?
blonde said. "This chair has arms" A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and?
while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices?
the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?" A?
blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The?
redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies,?
"How do you give shoulders?"
?
?A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife?
wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other?
with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.?
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.?
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that?
she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"?
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
?
waking up
?
the collar
?
just a girl
?
my therapist
?
a Floridian
?
?take that criminals
?
?
your girlfriend
?
at the bar
?
whats all the screaming about
?
callin em names
?
losin my mind
?
a mound of dirt
?
you get in the car
?
doing it wrong
?
never fought in 25 years
?
wife hits her husband
?
|
THE POSTMAN
So a big shout out to my long time bud, Joe. He has been reading.
this page like forever, and I hope things work out ok for you Joe!? He is
having a rough time lately. Personally.?I Just got?home this?
morning myself from having a "sleep study" They are trying
to figure out what changes they can make on my cpap machine to make?
life be a little better for me That would be great. I am a little tired because
those things are ironically difficult for sleep. When you do a "study" like?
that, they have like 14 thousand wires belts and etc hanging off you and?
then want you to fall asleep. Yeah right. But that is ok, I can hybernate
nicely this weekend as we are bracing for a huge winter storm.?
Wonderful huh?
ENJOY THE JOKES!!
?
One day, a teenage boy was absolutely over the moon that he had just passed his driving test.?
Then, just as his father was expecting, the boy approached his dad asking when they'd be able to?
have a discussion about him using the family car.?His father said he'd make a deal with his son:?
"You need to bring your grades up from a C to a B, study the Bible, and get a haircut. Then we'll talk?
about the car.'The boy thought about it for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they came?
to an agreement.After about six weeks, his father said: "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've?
observed that you have been studying the Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't cut your hair yet."?
The boy said: "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the?
Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair - and there's?
even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair!"
The dad nodded wisely, then leaned over and whispered to his son:
"Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?"
?
The English teacher of the girls school used to fail all her students who did not put a full-stop at?
the end of their sentences.
I guess,? she really hated it when her girls missed their periods.?
?
You should treat your woman the way you treat your Hoover
When it stops sucking, change the bag. ?
?
FEMALE POEM?
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong.?
One who loves to listen all day long.?
One who thinks before he speaks,?
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.?
?I want him to be gainfully employed,?
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.?
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,?
Massages my back and begs to do more.?
?Oh!? For a man who makes love to my mind,?
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"?
I want this man to love me to no end,?
And forever be my very best friend.?
??
MALE POEM?
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac,?
with huge boobs?
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.?
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.?
?
?
A couple were going at it in a barn down on the farm.?
In the process, the condom slipped off.?
The guy pokes around inside her with a straw and manages to lose that too.?
Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father asks him what the baby is.?
Doctor replies "It's a little bastard dressed in a raincoat and a straw hat."?
?
?
?
?
?
sniffer dog
?
custody
?
new computer
?
if Tuesday were a movie
?
LSD
?
play dead
?
watch out for signs
?
the only thing
?
my photo
?
stop embarrasing me
?
it won't die
?
the computer store
?
trained him well
?
101 headache cures
?
wouldn't it be nice
|
?
THE POSTMAN
This year my trainer suggested that I
try to avoid anything that makes me fat.
So I had a week or two off for the holidays.
Finally I showed up to get back down
to business at the gym. "So hows that going?
for you.Are you doing what I suggested?"?
"Oh, avoiding whatever makes me fat? Yeah
I figure that includes mirrors, scales and
pictures. Is there anything else I am missing?"
He just shook his head, and you know he really
didn't answer my question.
go figger
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
The wife of an athlete named Chuck ?
Found her married life shit out of luck. ?
Her husband played hockey ?
Without wearing a jockey ?
Now he hasn't got what it takes to fuck! ?
?
Why cucumbers are better than men?
?1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long. ?
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. ?
3. A cucumber won't tell you size don't count. ?
4. Cucumbers don't get TOO excited. ?
5. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety. ?
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. ?
7. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket...?
and you know how firm it is before you take it home. ?
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. ?
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room and ...?
you won't have to check in as 'Mrs. Cucumber'. ?
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. ?
11. If you can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the?
movie at a drive in you can stay in the front seat. ?
12. A cucumber can always wait until you get home. ?
13. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn. ?
14. A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival. ?
??
A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.?
The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "Come again?"?
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time." ?
??
A couple had been split up for about six months, but still remained good friends.?
This? worked out pretty good since they lived in the same apartment building.?
One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm.?
He met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.?
He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"?
She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.?
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed.? "Look John, it still recognizes me." ?
?
Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy ?
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. ?
2. Ahh, it's cute. ?
3. Who circumcised you? ?
4. Why don't we just cuddle? ?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that. ?
6. It's more fun to look at. ?
7. Make it dance. ?
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. ?
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? ?
10. It looks like a night crawler. ?
?
hate the cold
?
Jack and Jill
?
what are those things
?
eat my Reeses
?
learning how to behave
?
take a moment
?
a lizard
?
normal
?
Facebook
?
drunk and disorderly
?
Buckwheat
?
a movie
?
you ask your cellmate
?
go on feel me
?
outta here
|
THE POSTMAN
BREAKING NEWS:
So did you hear? Nancy Pelosi delivered the articles
of impeachment for Donald Trump to the Congressional
Senate this afternoon!!
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
?
?
A guy lies on bed, reads a book.
His girlfriend comes from behind and starts clapping on his ass. Guy:?
- What are you doing??
- Playing percussion. -?
- Would you like to play the flute??
?
Unexpected sex - is the best thing to wake up, unless you're in prison...?
?
To make it stand u wet it. To make it wet, u suck it. To make it stuff, u lick it.?
To get it in, u push it!?
Damn! Treading a needle at any age is no joke!?  ?
I feel sorry for the hypnostist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys,?
then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled 'FUCK ME'
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.?  ?
Guy 1 What's wrong bro??
Guy 2: My GF jacked me off under the dinner table in front of her family.?
Guy 1 Dude that's awesome?
Guy 2: Ya but table was glass?
?
When 3 people have sex, it's called a threesome.?
When 2 people have sex, it's called a twosome.?
Now i understand why they call you handsome?  Conversation in the immigration office at airport in the US:?
- Your name, Sir.?
- Bakshish Abdul?
- Sex?
- Three times a day...?
- I mean male or female??
- Doesn't matter...?
?
finally free
?
up early in the morning
?
more attractive
?
crazy
?
in the year 1900
?
friend with benefits
?
automated
?
in the back seat
?
female archeologists
?
during my trial
?
when you are single
?
would you like to donate
?
happiness
?
I may not
?
|
THE POSTMAN
You know, as you get older, you learn things. Right?
Funny thing. some you have learned are good, Some not so good.
Thing I have learned as I get older?
It is important to enjoy your 20s and 30s, because your check
engine lite comes on in your 40s and 50s and every thing is pretty
much fucked up after that.
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose??
Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toe,
?and a fish nobody can find.?
?
A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend.?
"After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment,?
but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like?
that." "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what?
happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.?
"You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit.?
In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."
?
Standing beside a valiant stallion, Amanda Bynes decides she must ride?
this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she
finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.?
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself?
euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing. Once again, the magnificent?
animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of?
her. She finds herself barely able to hang on. The startled horse is now in a?
dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of?
the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.?
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden......... Victor, the?
Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.
?
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news?
and some bad news." God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and?
replied, "Please give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've?
created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you?
to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive?
conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to?
reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be?
very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to?
conceive children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and?
wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after?
such great tidings?" God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow,?
"The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
?
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based?
in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having?
the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.?
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The?
manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for your interest, but we've decided?
to give the American the job.' Murphy asked, 'And why would you be doing that??
We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I?
should get the job!' The manager said, 'We have made our decision not on the?
correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed.' Murphy then asked,?
'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?' The manager?
replied, 'Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.'?
You put down, 'Neither do I.''
?
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced:
?about 30 minutes outbound from LA, 'I don't know how this happened, but we have?
103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.' When the passengers' muttering?
had died down, she continued, 'Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so?
someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.' Her next?
announcement came an hour later. 'If anyone wants to change his mind,?
we still have 29 dinners available!'?
?
according to statistics
?
don't trust your wife
?
vegans
?
when life gives you lemons
?
a male prostitute
?
does it piss you off
?
if you had not declawed me
?
Taco Bell
?
my spirit plant
?
don't wanna get up
?
so what did you do this weekend
?
am I gonna make it
?
wearing something sexy
?
step on the lego
?
stop trying
?
|
THE POSTMAN
people poke a lot of fun at tech support.
it does not take long surfing the net for humor,
and you find tech support humor.
But you know what? tech support tells you
turn off the computer and shut it down, and then
start it back up again to solve an enormous amount
of computer problems, right? But you know the?
human version is the same thing. Go to bed and
maybe you will feel better when you?
wake up in the morning. same thing.
ENJOY THE JOKES
?
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. ?
??
There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were just?
hanging around the apartment. ?Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties,?
was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores. ?Abby, who was sitting?
on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her room mate. ?
"Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down". ?
As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips. ?
"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this...?
Well, let me be frank". ?Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice: ?
"No darling... Let me be Frank".? ?
??
There was once a boy named Johnny Go Deeper. He attended a school where his father?
was the principal, his mother was the vice principal, and his sister was an administrator.?
He stayed after class when the bell rang to speak with his teacher, Mrs. Johnson.?
He began the conversation by saying. "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your shirt". ?
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my shirt off". ?
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you. ?
So Mrs. Johnson removed her shirt. ?
Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your skirt". ?
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my skirt off". ?
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you". ?
Mrs. Johnson then removed her skirt. ?
Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your bra and panties". ?
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my bra and panties off". ?
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you". ?
Mrs. Johnson then removed her bra and panties. ?
Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please lay on the table". ?
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I will not lay on the table". ?
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you". ?
Mrs. Johnson lays on the table. ?
So Johnny jumped on top of her and proceeded to try to penetrate her. ?
All of a sudden his mother walks in and yells "JOHNNY GO DEEPER" ?
So Johnny replies "I'm trying, I'm trying". ?
??
There were 4 men, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small?
genie bottle. ?When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. ?Thankful that the 4 guys had?
released him out of the bottle, he said, 'Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each?
of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jumped, you must shout what you want the?
pool of water to become, the your wish will come true.' ?The French wanted to start. He run?
towards the pool, jumped and shouted 'WINE'. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. ?
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn,?
he did the same and shouted, 'VODKA' and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. ?
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, 'BEER'. He was so contented with his beer pool. ?
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. ?
He slipped towards the pool and cursed, 'SHIT!' ?
?
I take the bus
?
your profile
?
back in my day
?
when you talk to your wife
?
without life alert
?
its funny
?
James Bond
?
dating is like a job interview
?
the woodpecker
?
Bats
?
super drunk
?
some days you eat salad
?
a night with a cougar
?
on top
?
sleep for 2 hours
|
THE POSTMAN
You ever notice how some people are the picture of
sweet and innocence? I mean they are so sweet, its
sickening, right? I really hate that kind of person,
don't you? Seem here is the thing, momma said "If
you are going to grow up and be something, do it to the
best of your ability." So. I chose something that I knew
I could be good at. I chose to be an asshole.
I'm killing it.!!
ENJOY THE JOKES
A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had
only three legs.“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my
field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help.
He saved my life”.“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.
“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire.
That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”
?
“So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor.
“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed.
Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?”
and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”
?
After about 3 months of no human contact the city slicker sees a dust
cloud off in the distance. After a few hours the dust cloud gets closer and
it's a cowboy on horseback.Cowboy: Howdy! I'm your neighbor. I live on the next
farm over, which is just a day's ride away. And I've come here to invite you to a
welcoming party at my ranch.City: Well that's awfully nice of you, i'd really
appreciate that.Cowboy: Now I must warn you that there's gonna be a little drinking,
I hope that you're okay with that?
City: Well that'll be just fine I haven't had a drink in months.
Cowboy: Alright, but i must warn ya, they may also be a little dirty dancing too.
City: Shoot, that sounds great!
Cowboy: Well, you know how party's can get, there might also be a little fucking.
City: Hey, that sound fantastic! I can't wait!!
Cowboy: You sure? Because it's just gonna be the two of us.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00
?
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an
eager-looking group of men.
?
“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies "Well wash your f#cking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
In a small town outside of a big city, there was this truck driver who hated Lawyers.
Now I mean like he really hated them lawyers. So whenever he was driving, he
would intentionally swerve to hit them. Now, one day, he was driving his normal
route, when he spots a priest on the side of the road. So he pulls over and picks
the priest up. They have some small talk and the priest tells him he is going to
the city. So they get on their way when the Truck Driver See's a lawyer. His natural
reaction is to swerve and hit the Lawyer but as he does it he remembers the priest.
He swerves back , and looks back. There lying on the ground is the Lawyer. he
turns to the priest and says I just killed a man and I'm sorry. The priest says oh no,
don't worry I got him with the door.
?
A farmer’s son accidentally overturned his dad’s tractor one day. The farmer who
lived next to them so what had happened and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Joe, don’t
worry about it. Come over and have dinner with us. I’ll help you get the tractor up
right after.” “That’s really kind of you,” Joe replied, “but I don’t think dad would
like me to.” “Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted. “Well okay,” the boy finally
agreed, and added, “but my dad won’t like it.” After a big dinner, Joe thanked the
neighbor for the nice meal and said, “I feel much better now, but I know my dad is
going to be really upset.” “Don’t be silly!” the neighbor said with a smile.
“By the way, where is he?” Joe said, “Under the tractor.”
?
vegan
no underwear
never seen before
present at the birth
a superhero
all in
a surgeon
crunch crunch crunch
just once
you're single
|
?
THE POSTMAN
In third grade science class they taught us all?
about what the world was. How it was made up.
They taught us so much stuff it made my head swim.
They taught us about molecules. You know, theres
protons. Theres electrons, etc. You know what tho?
They forgot to tell me this world was full of
Morons!
ENJOY THE JOKES
BREAKING NEWS
?
There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. ?
One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in?
medicine.?A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.??
"How was the exam?"?asked his father. ?"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter'?
questions about first aid and?stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted,"?
the boy replied. ?"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. ?So off to the?
university he went.?A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. ?
"How was the exam?" asked his son. ?"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions?
about first aid and I got them all wrong but one." ?"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?" ?
"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady?
which has?fainted. You feel her pu_s_?" ?"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse." ?
"Oh, hell," said the father," I got that one wrong as well."? ?
??
There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day. ?
He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously. ?
One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so?
he played?every shot with utmost care and concentration. ?
After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament. ?
He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize. ?
He kept repeating his round over dinner. ?
The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. ?
The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship. ?
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets?
startled and wakes up. ?"What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife. ?
"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from my pussy and threw it up in?
the air!" ?
??
There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk?
each evening. ?It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used?
to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night. ?
So when her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead. ?
To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house?
around the corner and began to scratch at the door. ?A female voice called out, "I won't be a minute, darling."
?Soon the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog?
dashed in straight to a?
dish of meat that was waiting for him -- obviously as usual. ]?
??
A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's?
hands, the boy say's, "papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."?
"Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea?
you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa?
finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose.?
And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."?
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful?
wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.?
Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages?
with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger?
from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"?Papa drew close to?
Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you?
may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea?
the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say,?
'Go back to sleep you silly woman!' "?
?
?
?
bacon or email
?
scary outside
?
the magician
?
I've been hiding
?
don't just stand there
?
who wore it better
?
hoarders
?
lemons
?
a daddy
?
are you ok
?
my way of thinking
?
the wizard of oz
?
they are supposed to be moving
?
human resources
?
?
sharpies
|
