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Daily Clean Jokes for May 10, 2025

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Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ?

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In the morning, the lawns will be blessed

With some moisture.??I'd like to suggest

????????????That the reason for this,

????????????Mother Nature's sweet kiss:

She will always strive to?dew?her?best.

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Conrad and Chris got it.

Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Quote of the Day:? ?

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Today's One-Liner:? ?

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Why can't blind people eat fish? Because it's sea food.

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Puns of the Day:?

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?? A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it's reindeer.??

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Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

Received from Clean Laffs??via GCFL.

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? What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey.

? Why did the frog take the bus to work today?

His car got toad away.

? What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison.

Submitted to Reader's Digest?

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?Where do pirate mothers deliver their babies?

In the C-Section.

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Why did the albino pig have bad breath?

He has no Pig mints.

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My dentist told me that I couldn't have any more sugar.

I told her that's an awful way to break up with someone.

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What's the end of the world look like?

d

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Received from Reddit Clean.

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My doctor told me that I have a condition known as narco-somnia, which has symptoms of both narcolepsy and insomnia.

That's probably why I always sleep with one eye open.

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A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning. First, he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour.

To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked, "Why don’t you just throw out the pest?"

“Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, "we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

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Thought Of The Day:

While Making Plans

“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”

― Allen Saunders

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Car Dealer: "This car had just one careful owner."

Buyer: "But look at it, it's a wreck!"

Car dealer: "Well yes, you see, the other seven owners weren't quite as careful."

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A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."

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Thought Of The Day:

Never Marry At All

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.”

― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Received from aJokeADay.com.

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Workin' on Haikus

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the darn file, Hal
Open the file, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.?

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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Make Life More Enjoyable

- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

- No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.?

- Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

- If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

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- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

- He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.

- Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

- Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.?

- Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet.

- Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

- Man who drive like hell bound to get there..

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Quick Quotes

"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records... at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out." -- Julian Clary

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"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another." -- George Carlin

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The Scot

A Scot returned home to Glasgow after a trip down south to London. He complained to his friend the Londoners were so rude. "They kept banging on the door, knocking on the ceiling, hammering on the floor, at three o'clock in the morning."

"Aye, and what did you do?" asked his friend.?

"Och, I kept right on playing me bagpipes."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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DEAR ABBY: When I was 13 and 14, I sent nude pictures to guys I didn't know over Kik. I am now 15 and interested in a career in education. I have read about educators getting fired for sending pictures. Should I be worried that I will never have a career in education? Or ever get into a good college? -- QUESTIONING TEEN

DEAR QUESTIONING: Sending nude photos at any age, especially if someone is underage, is extremely dangerous to both the sender and recipient, and I hope you will never do it again.

Although some colleges check into the online postings of applicants, I have never heard of any educator who was fired because of something that was posted when the person was 13. So study hard, keep your shirt on and good luck in the field of education.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an animal lover. I have always kept many different kinds of pets. My mother taught me to love and respect all animals, and I have had snakes, turtles, birds and other exotics as well as dogs, cats and rabbits. When I see a dead animal in the road, it makes me so sad I often cry, and the thought of anyone hurting or killing one for fun makes me sick to my stomach.

My problem is a co-worker who sits behind me. He's a hunter who often talks about killing animals, especially snakes and turtles. It is impossible to tune him out, and I'm afraid to ask him to stop. Moving desks is not an option. I often escape to the bathroom when he starts up, but there has to be a better way. I can't be seen crying at my desk when he talks like this because it's unprofessional. -- SNAKE LOVER

DEAR SNAKE LOVER: Your co-worker isn't a mind reader. Dig deep and find the courage to tell him that when he brings up the subject of killing animals, it upsets you and ask him to please stop. If he doesn't, bring it to the attention of your supervisor or HR because it could be considered a form of harassment if it interferes with you doing your job.

DEAR ABBY: I own a popular small cafe in the city. With only 12 tables (and no use of our patio during inclement weather), the restaurant fills up quickly and there is a long line at the door, especially on weekends.

I'm delighted to have so many wonderful guests and be in this predicament. But what can I do without being rude when, long after their meals, customers don't pick up on hints that we need the table? I think some people genuinely don't realize the imposition, while others simply don't care. How do I politely convey that "time's up"? -- HINT, HINT

DEAR H.H.: I discussed your letter with an experienced restaurateur. He said the answer to your question depends upon whether the "table hogs" (my words) are regular patrons. If they are, let them nurse their coffee and continue their conversations. If they aren't, then simply tell them there is a line of people waiting and you need the table. Business is business.

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