A Pie Funny
Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. In fact, it was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away.
Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."
>>>Today's Thot
This is my step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Received from Mikey's Funny
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
It's weird being the same age as old people.
Just once I want a user name and password prompt to respond, "CLOSE ENOUGH."
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Heeere's Johnny [Carson]!If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
- From AZquotes.com
Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Today's One-Liner:??Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
-----
Quote of the Day:??"Even the greatest was once a beginner. Don¡¯t be afraid to take that first step."
- Muhammad Ali
-----
Old Testament BBQ
Q:?What Assyrian king had descendants who actually came to the United States and were able to establish a successful chain of barbecue restaurants?
A:?Sennacherib
-----
Rough Boys
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
-----
Rediscover Obsolete Expressions:
Heavens to Mergatroyd???
Mergatroyd?? Do you remember that word?
Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word, Mergatroyd? Heavens to Mergatroyd!
The other day a not so elderly (maybe 75 years old) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy; and he looked at her quizzically and said, "What the heck is a Jalopy?" He had never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old ...But not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory when you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology and language.
These phrases included:?Don't touch that dial;?Carbon copy;?You sound like a broken record; and?Hung out to dry.?
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie.?We'd put on our best bib and tucker, to straighten up and fly right.?Heavens to Betsy!?Gee whillikers!?Jumping Jehoshaphat!?Holy Moley!?
We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.
Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.
Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!" or, "This is a fine kettle of fish!" we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards. Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those great phrases gone?
Long gone:
- Pshaw,
- The milkman did it.
- Hey! It's your nickel.
- Don't forget to pull the chain.
- Knee high to a grasshopper.
- Well, Fiddlesticks!
- Going like sixty.
- I'll see you in the funny papers.
- Don't take any wooden nickels.
- Wake up and smell the roses.
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!) Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth.
See ya later, alligator!
Okidoki.
... You'll notice they left out "Monkey Business"!!!
-----
When Your Phone Call Turns into a Circus
A woman was at home with her kids when her cell phone buzzed with an incoming call.
As she grabbed it and swiped to answer, she tripped on the charging cable, stumbled, and dropped her phone. The phone hit the floor with a loud clatter, startling the family dog, who jumped up barking and knocking over a chair. The commotion made her three-year-old scream at the top of his lungs, which prompted her to mutter a few choice words.
Finally, she picked up the phone, only to hear her husband's voice say, "No one's said hello yet, but I¡¯m pretty sure I called the right circus."
The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. ¡°Does your husband have any cardiac problems?¡± I asked.
¡°Yes,¡± she said with a note of concern. ¡°His cardiologist just died.¡±
-----
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Did you eat?"
"Did you eat?"
"Are you copying me?"
"Are you copying me?"
"I love you!"
"Yea, I ate already."
-----
Thought Of The Day:??It's Useless
¡°It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he¡¯s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.¡± --??Shirley MacLaine
Received from aJokeADay.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
-----
Little Rabbit FooFoo
One day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.
A good fairy appeared. "Little Rabbit FooFoo, what you're doing is evil! Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!" she said.
Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed.
The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was again hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.
Again, the good fairy appeared. "Little Rabbit FooFoo, I told you that's evil! Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!" she said.
Again, Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed.?
The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was still hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.
Mother Nature appeared, and, abracadabra! Little Rabbit FooFoo was turned into an ugly goon, never to terrorize mice again.
The moral?
Hare today, goon tomorrow...
-----
Magic of the Internet
My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access Google, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.?
"Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
-----
For the Kids
What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?
Turns over a new leaf!
What is the definition of a caterpillar?
A worm in a fur coat!
What has stripes and pulls a tractor?
A caterpillar tractor!
What does a cat go to sleep on?
A caterpillow!?
What's green and dangerous?
A caterpillar with a machine gun!
What pillar doesn't need holding up?
A caterpillar!
-----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
-----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Your Goals Demand This!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Direct link:?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Out of the Mouths of Babes
From Chicken Soup for the Soul: 101 Ways to Think Positive
By Michael Jordan Segal, MSW
Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.
~Irving Berlin
¡°Daddy, please take me to AstroWorld. Can you? Will you?¡± begged my four-year-old daughter, Shawn.
I didn¡¯t want to go to the amusement park, but what was I going to say, especially when I looked into my daughter¡¯s big, brown eyes? It was made even more difficult by the fact that I was disabled (having been shot in the head as an innocent bystander to a robbery). Plus, we were in the middle of a steamy Houston summer. But I continued to stare into Shawn¡¯s big eyes, begging me, her father, to take her to AstroWorld. In the end, I gave in.?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
