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Daily Clean Jokes for January 14, 2025
Kirk's Limerick
Flies infest police station.??They stream All around and annoy, so a scheme ????????????To get rid of the flies ????????????Is soon hatched that is wise. Everybody has?joined?the?SWAT?team. ? Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. ? What is a zebra? ????26 sizes larger than "A" bra ? Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald. ? What color is a belch? ????Burple ? Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. ? Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
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Man's Critical
-----
Coldplay - ALL MY LOVE
No jokes or puns today, just a little nostalga? for a man that brought laughter into my life on TV and in movies. who is 99+.
A music video for a song from Coldplay that pays tribute to entertainment legend¡ªDick Van Dyke, who is 99 and still dancing.
-----
'Please, Someone Kill Me Now,' Begs Dried-Out Christmas Tree From Corner Of Living Room
Babylon Bee
-----
True News?
Calling Their Bluff:?Pastor Will Duffy of the Denver Bible Church, which is in?...well...?Wheat Ridge, Colo., was surprised to learn that some people still believe the Earth is flat, so he invited several prominent Flat Earthers to accompany him to Antarctica. It seems FE¡¯ers believe that Antarctica is the edge of the Earth, and that it¡¯s ¡°off limits¡± due to the Antarctic Treaty of 1959 (despite tourists going there all the time), so they couldn¡¯t go there to get proof of theEarth¡¯s flatness. So let¡¯s go, Duffy said, and he¡¯d pay the expenses. ¡°I created The Final Experiment to end this debate once and for all,¡± Duffy said. The result? ¡°Sometimes you are wrong in life,¡± admitted FE¡¯er Jeran Campanella of the YouTube channel ¡°Jeranism¡± during a livestream from Antarctica. ¡°Don¡¯t listen to my beliefs or my opinion,¡± Campanella said, ¡°but at least you should be able to accept that the sun does exactly what these guys said as far as [it] circles the southern continent.¡± FE¡¯er Austin Whitsitt of ¡°Witsit Gets It¡± agreed: ¡°We were wrong,¡± he said. ¡°After we go to Antarctica,¡± Duffy said before the trip, ¡°no one has to waste any more time debating the shape of the Earth.¡± (RC/)?...They don¡¯t have to, but they will.
Bathroom Bully:?Amber Johnson says she received a text message from her daughter¡¯s first grade teacher at Bartlett Elementary School in Conroe, Texas, letting her know students had ¡°lost their privilege to use the restroom because they lost their restroom badge.¡±?Huh??¡°Unfortunately, we had some friends who really needed to use the restroom and ended up peeing on themselves,¡± the teacher continued. Johnson says the teacher took the pass away before lunch, ¡°and didn¡¯t allow them to use the restroom for the rest of the day.¡± The teacher said her justification was that ¡°if we both help [the children] understand the rules, they will understand it better.¡± Outraged parents reached out to the school, and the district has said the teacher is ¡°no longer employed¡± there. (MS/Houston Chronicle)?...Maybe now she understands the rules. A Prime Event:?Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez are having a $600 million wedding in Aspen, Colo., the London?Daily Mail?claimed. On X, billionaire hedge fund manager Bill Ackman looked at that number and found it ¡°not credible. Unless you are buying each of your guests a house, you can¡¯t spend this much money.¡± Bezos, 60, and as the founder of Amazon.com the second-richest man in the world, shared that and added: ¡°Furthermore, this whole thing is completely false ¡ª none of this is happening.¡± The?Washington Post?owner also added advice: ¡°Now lies can get ALL the way around the world before the truth can get its pants on. So be careful out there folks and don¡¯t be gullible.¡± (AC/London Independent)?...Mr. Bezos, you¡¯re a great innovator and own a newspaper. Find a faster way for truth to get its pants on. Bezos ¡ª Jeff Bezos:?There hasn¡¯t been a James Bond film released since 2021; when might we see another? Hard to say: Albert ¡°Cubby¡± Broccoli and Harry Saltzman bought the film rights to Ian Fleming¡¯s novels in 1961, and formed Eon Productions to hold those rights and produce the films. Meanwhile, in 2021 Amazon.com paid $6.5 billion (and paid off nearly $2 billion in debt) for MGM Studios, which owns distribution rights to the existing Bond films, in large part to get the Bond films for its Prime streaming service, so it¡¯s anxious for a new Bond film. Albert¡¯s daughter, Barbara Broccoli, 64, still runs Eon,and doesn¡¯t trust Amazon and its algorithmic ways. ¡°These people are f---ing idiots,¡± she says, and refuses to permit a new film to be produced. Her thinking? She quotes her father¡¯s business motto: ¡°Don¡¯t have temporary people make permanent decisions.¡± Amazon is also anxious to make a Bond TV series, or do spinoff series, such as one based on Moneypenny. Broccoli¡¯s response to those ideas has reportedly been, ¡°Did you read the contract?¡± (RC/Wall Street Journal)?...Once you take off theshrinkwrap, it¡¯s binding.
Twisted
Oregon Man Missing Since 2021 Remains Found
KGW Portland (Ore.) headline -----
This is TRUE - NOT satire.
?- You can't make up this stuff
??
-----
WASHINGTON, D.C. ¡ª President-elect Donald Trump has just named Buc-ee the Beaver as his Secretary of Transportation in a move bringing joy to millions of drivers across the country. According to Trump, Buc-ee has an excellent track record of experience within transportation, and the Texan beaver should play a pivotal role in cleaning up America's rest stops, gas stations, and roadside restaurants. "Buc-ee is simply tremendous," Trump told reporters. "His work is, quite frankly, some of the best work we're seeing coming out of Texas. All of the big, beautiful gas stations, with the clean bathrooms and the fudge. They say that it's the Trump Tower of gas stations, and that's really saying something, because Trump Towers are the best towers. Buc-ee is going to do an outstanding job of making America's gas stations great again." Buc-ee's nomination has encountered no opposition whatsoever, a feat which is only precedented by the 1967 appointment of the first secretary Alan S. Boyd by Lyndon B. Johnson. Many are calling it the most politically unifying Cabinet appointment of the century. At publishing time, Buc-ee had released a joint statement with DOGE stating that all DMVs would now be staffed by Buc-ee's employees for the sake of cleanliness, efficiency, and courtesy. The statement has been met by wild rejoicing.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
An Oldie But a Goodie
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant¡¯s owners hired Andersen?Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I¡¯ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter¡¯s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 per cent."
I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don¡¯t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In case you're missing baseball in the 'off season'
Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Breaks All Records In T-Ball League
?
-----
Wife Announces New Year Resolutions For Husband
RED BLUFF, CA ¡ª As people ring in the new year by taking on resolutions meant to improve their lives, local wife and mother Karen Moore took it upon herself to graciously announce a number of resolutions for her husband so he wouldn't have to.
"He never makes New Year's resolutions," she said. "But I know that deep down he really wants to be a better person for me ¡ª I mean himself." Karen's husband, Tim, is now resolved to lose 30 pounds, take the kids to school everyday, make more money, take a romantic trip to Cancun, learn to salsa dance, and buy new curtains for the house. All for his benefit. "New Year's resolutions are hard, but I know he can do it," Mrs. Moore said. "He has no choice." When asked to comment, Tim's wife helpfully spoke for him, noting that Tim was "very happy" to have so many New Year's resolutions to work so hard on and that he was "very excited" about all the salads he would be eating. At publishing time, Karen Moore had already failed her New Year's resolution to stop being so controlling. -----
Greg Abbott sent condolences to Jimmy Carter¡¯s wife ¨C who had been dead a yearTexas governor mocked for statement about former president directed at Rosalynn Carter, who died in November 2023
?rosalynn-ondolences
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A Cinderella SariDecember 20, 2024 by Amy Marchand Collins
Merriam, Kansas, USA 
In 1998, the Association for Global New Thought launched the first Season for Nonviolence, a program honoring the principles of M.K. Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The Unity Church of Overland Park sponsored it in the Kansas City area, and I was on the leadership team. Mahatma Gandhi¡¯s grandson, Arun Gandhi, who with his wife Sunanda carries on his grandfather¡¯s work, accepted our invitation to speak. We organized a dinner and fundraiser in his honor. Because team members had traveled to India, I knew they would wear clothes purchased there. I wanted that look, too. The afternoon before the dinner, I ventured to an Indian grocer rumored to carry saris. In the store, I found the saris, which were simply flat pieces of beautiful fabric. I had no idea how to put one on. I asked the manager if someone could show me. He indicated a woman and said, ¡°My customer will help you.¡± Embarrassed but driven by the knowledge that the dinner was hours away, I explained my request and its purpose. She questioned: ¡°Do you have a petticoat? Blouse? Sandals?¡± I had none. What happened next amazed me. She said, ¡°Come, I will lend you a?sari.¡± Minutes later, I was driving behind her, her teenage daughter in?my car in case I got lost. At the house, I was led upstairs. She opened?drawers and boxes, pulling out a dazzling display of silk saris. Only?one was off-limits ¡ª her wedding sari! I chose a deep green silk sari accented with real gold. She found a blouse in a similar color and a green petticoat with a drawstring waist. The drawstring anchors the fabric, which is pleated and tucked into the petticoat. She began to fold, pleating the silk and draping it around me, anchoring it with a few safety pins. She showed me how the pins held the pleats in place so I could put it on to wear for services the next morning. Next, she produced beautiful gold and pearl jewelry: earrings, a necklace, and bracelets, as well as a?bindi, the decorative accent worn in the center of the forehead. A pair of sandals (that fit!) completed the ensemble. I felt exactly like Cinderella! In the grand scheme of things, it mattered little how I was dressed for that dinner. Yet I was deeply touched at the trust and generosity this woman displayed to a stranger. How easy to ignore my request or just tell me what I needed to purchase. Instead, she invited me to her home and dressed me from head to toe. She sent me on my way with hugs and well wishes, with no apparent concern about when she would see her precious things again. Although I consider myself to be both generous and trusting, I wonder if I would have done the same had our positions been reversed. I remain deeply grateful for the opportunity to wear her sari and for her example of generosity and kindness. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Presenting The Babylon Bee Awards For 2024 ?¡¤?Dec 20, 2024 ¡¤ BabylonBee.com
With only a few days left before the calendar turns to 2025, it's time to look back and honor some of this year's most amazing achievements. 2024 was one for the ages, featuring numerous historic events, momentous accomplishments, and some type of election people keep talking about. Without further ado, The Babylon Bee is proud to present the following awards for 2024:
Most Christlike Award ¡ª?Jesus:?Though He faced stiff competition from candidates like Donald Trump, Chris Pratt, and Catturd, the Son of God extended His streak of winning the most important award more than 2,000 times. Indian of the Year ¡ª?Vivek Ramaswamy:?While Kash Patel, Kamala Harris, and Elizabeth Warren gave him a run for his money, Vivek's status as one of the leaders of DOGE and the manager of Trump's upcoming White House 7-Eleven store sealed the deal. President of the Year ¡ª?Jill Biden:?In what proved to be a tumultuous year, Dr. Jill stepped into the leadership void to guide the country and cement her place in history books as the most powerful member of the Biden family. Best Traveling Comedy Troupe ¡ª?FBI:?While 2024 was a stressful year for many, the Federal Bureau of Investigation consistently provided much-needed comic relief through trying times. By ensuring no crime would be solved, the FBI kept Americans in stitches all year long. Fast Food Employee of the Year ¡ª?Donald Trump, McDonald's:?Never before has a new, inexperienced hire brought such an immediate spike in customer traffic. Diners and media members lined up for blocks to try this young man's french fries and converse with him at the drive-thru window, making him the most legendary fast food worker in recorded history. Some witnesses even predicted that this lowly fry cook would one day become president. Investment of the Year ¡ª?Hawk Tuah Coin:?You didn't hear it from us, but this is one of the most talked about cryptocurrencies in the world right now. It's all over the news. Jump in now and pour all of your money into it. You'll probably become a billionaire. Take this with a grain of salt, as none of us know what cryptocurrency is or how it works. Most Likely to Succeed at Killing a President ¡ª?U.S. Secret Service:?While other government organizations were playing checkers and slowly weakening the country, the overachieving chess masters at the United States Secret Service stood head and shoulders above everyone else by attempting to throw the nation (and the entire world) into total chaos by trying to knock off a president. Keep not working hard, Secret Service, and you'll eventually get the job done. Ballot Counters of the Year ¡ª?California:?Word has it they're still counting ballots. From 2004. Best Disappearing Act ¡ª?Aaron Judge's bat in the World Series:?Not even David Copperfield, Criss Angel, David Blaine, or Harry Houdini himself could have ever dreamed of wowing crowds with such an astonishing magic trick as the one performed by the New York Yankees slugger, who made his vaunted power-hitting bat completely vanish on live television right in front of everyone's eyes. Best Film ¡ª January 6: The Most Deadliest Day:?Many critics have said it may be the greatest, most influential work ever committed to film. We say it's better than that.
No year-end list would be complete without remembering those who left us during the past year. Like the COVID-19 vaccine, those listed below will live forever in the hearts of millions of people. In Memoriam:
That's 2024 in a nutshell. What a year it was!? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR ABBY: My fiance's daughter is having a baby. Her mother is helping give the shower. My fiance and his ex have been divorced for 21 years. She was the one who cheated, asked for the divorce and kicked him out. She threatened not to attend her daughter's wedding because he was bringing me. We have been together nine years now. I am not invited to the shower because the ex doesn't want me there. It's not even being held at her home. His daughter likes me but doesn't want to upset her mom. I think it's time for the ex to grow up and get a life. I told my fiance the whole thing is childish, but now I no longer want to go to the shower because you can't like me one day and then not the next. What should I do? -- EX ISSUES IN THE MIDWEST DEAR EX ISSUES: Be the adult your fiance's ex isn't. Suck it up and make plans with some of your friends so you're not sitting alone feeling sorry for yourself while the baby shower is happening. Buy a nice present for the little one, offer it to the mother at some other time and don't make waves.
DEAR ABBY: I was recently in a traumatic car crash (hit head-on by a drunk driver within a mile of my home). It resulted in my right leg being broken in multiple places. I bought a car with the insurance claim. Within a month and without warning, my mother bought me the exact same car that was totaled in the accident. The catch is, my mother expects me to sell the car I purchased and give her the proceeds. First, this was portrayed as a gift. Now it seems like it's a debt hanging over my head. Would it be rude or selfish of me to keep the car I bought, or keep the money if I decide to sell? The stimulus checks have been helpful, but my financial future is up in the air because of the life-altering accident. -- INJURED IN INDIANA DEAR INJURED: Keep the car you purchased. Tell your mother you know she meant well. Then give her back the car she bought, as well as the keys and the pink slip, so she can do whatever she wants with it. If you do, it will cause less conflict.
DEAR ABBY: I am having a problem with love. I like two boys. The problem is they are best friends, and I have already kissed them both. I don't know what to do. We aren't dating. I can't choose, because if I date one of them the other will be angry with me and with his friend. Help me, please. -- WORRIED STUDENT IN SPAIN DEAR STUDENT: You are lucky that you have youth and the freedom to choose. Regardless of which of the boys you pick, there will be problems. That's why I suggest you get romantically involved with neither one, find someone else to "love" and refrain from kissing that person's friends. Buena suerte! |
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Daily Clean Jokes for January 14, 2025
Kirk's Limerick
Flies infest police station.??They stream All around and annoy, so a scheme ????????????To get rid of the flies ????????????Is soon hatched that is wise. Everybody has?joined?the?SWAT?team. ? Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
-----
Kirk's Puns
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. ? What is a zebra? ????26 sizes larger than "A" bra ? Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald. ? What color is a belch? ????Burple ? Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. ? Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
-----
Man's Critical
-----
Coldplay - ALL MY LOVE
No jokes or puns today, just a little nostalga? for a man that brought laughter into my life on TV and in movies. who is 99+.
A music video for a song from Coldplay that pays tribute to entertainment legend¡ªDick Van Dyke, who is 99 and still dancing.
-----
'Please, Someone Kill Me Now,' Begs Dried-Out Christmas Tree From Corner Of Living Room
Babylon Bee
-----
True News?
Calling Their Bluff:?Pastor Will Duffy of the Denver Bible Church, which is in?...well...?Wheat Ridge, Colo., was surprised to learn that some people still believe the Earth is flat, so he invited several prominent Flat Earthers to accompany him to Antarctica. It seems FE¡¯ers believe that Antarctica is the edge of the Earth, and that it¡¯s ¡°off limits¡± due to the Antarctic Treaty of 1959 (despite tourists going there all the time), so they couldn¡¯t go there to get proof of theEarth¡¯s flatness. So let¡¯s go, Duffy said, and he¡¯d pay the expenses. ¡°I created The Final Experiment to end this debate once and for all,¡± Duffy said. The result? ¡°Sometimes you are wrong in life,¡± admitted FE¡¯er Jeran Campanella of the YouTube channel ¡°Jeranism¡± during a livestream from Antarctica. ¡°Don¡¯t listen to my beliefs or my opinion,¡± Campanella said, ¡°but at least you should be able to accept that the sun does exactly what these guys said as far as [it] circles the southern continent.¡± FE¡¯er Austin Whitsitt of ¡°Witsit Gets It¡± agreed: ¡°We were wrong,¡± he said. ¡°After we go to Antarctica,¡± Duffy said before the trip, ¡°no one has to waste any more time debating the shape of the Earth.¡± (RC/)?...They don¡¯t have to, but they will.
Bathroom Bully:?Amber Johnson says she received a text message from her daughter¡¯s first grade teacher at Bartlett Elementary School in Conroe, Texas, letting her know students had ¡°lost their privilege to use the restroom because they lost their restroom badge.¡±?Huh??¡°Unfortunately, we had some friends who really needed to use the restroom and ended up peeing on themselves,¡± the teacher continued. Johnson says the teacher took the pass away before lunch, ¡°and didn¡¯t allow them to use the restroom for the rest of the day.¡± The teacher said her justification was that ¡°if we both help [the children] understand the rules, they will understand it better.¡± Outraged parents reached out to the school, and the district has said the teacher is ¡°no longer employed¡± there. (MS/Houston Chronicle)?...Maybe now she understands the rules. A Prime Event:?Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez are having a $600 million wedding in Aspen, Colo., the London?Daily Mail?claimed. On X, billionaire hedge fund manager Bill Ackman looked at that number and found it ¡°not credible. Unless you are buying each of your guests a house, you can¡¯t spend this much money.¡± Bezos, 60, and as the founder of Amazon.com the second-richest man in the world, shared that and added: ¡°Furthermore, this whole thing is completely false ¡ª none of this is happening.¡± The?Washington Post?owner also added advice: ¡°Now lies can get ALL the way around the world before the truth can get its pants on. So be careful out there folks and don¡¯t be gullible.¡± (AC/London Independent)?...Mr. Bezos, you¡¯re a great innovator and own a newspaper. Find a faster way for truth to get its pants on. Bezos ¡ª Jeff Bezos:?There hasn¡¯t been a James Bond film released since 2021; when might we see another? Hard to say: Albert ¡°Cubby¡± Broccoli and Harry Saltzman bought the film rights to Ian Fleming¡¯s novels in 1961, and formed Eon Productions to hold those rights and produce the films. Meanwhile, in 2021 Amazon.com paid $6.5 billion (and paid off nearly $2 billion in debt) for MGM Studios, which owns distribution rights to the existing Bond films, in large part to get the Bond films for its Prime streaming service, so it¡¯s anxious for a new Bond film. Albert¡¯s daughter, Barbara Broccoli, 64, still runs Eon,and doesn¡¯t trust Amazon and its algorithmic ways. ¡°These people are f---ing idiots,¡± she says, and refuses to permit a new film to be produced. Her thinking? She quotes her father¡¯s business motto: ¡°Don¡¯t have temporary people make permanent decisions.¡± Amazon is also anxious to make a Bond TV series, or do spinoff series, such as one based on Moneypenny. Broccoli¡¯s response to those ideas has reportedly been, ¡°Did you read the contract?¡± (RC/Wall Street Journal)?...Once you take off theshrinkwrap, it¡¯s binding.
Twisted
Oregon Man Missing Since 2021 Remains Found
KGW Portland (Ore.) headline -----
This is TRUE - NOT satire.
?- You can't make up this stuff
??
-----
WASHINGTON, D.C. ¡ª President-elect Donald Trump has just named Buc-ee the Beaver as his Secretary of Transportation in a move bringing joy to millions of drivers across the country. According to Trump, Buc-ee has an excellent track record of experience within transportation, and the Texan beaver should play a pivotal role in cleaning up America's rest stops, gas stations, and roadside restaurants. "Buc-ee is simply tremendous," Trump told reporters. "His work is, quite frankly, some of the best work we're seeing coming out of Texas. All of the big, beautiful gas stations, with the clean bathrooms and the fudge. They say that it's the Trump Tower of gas stations, and that's really saying something, because Trump Towers are the best towers. Buc-ee is going to do an outstanding job of making America's gas stations great again." Buc-ee's nomination has encountered no opposition whatsoever, a feat which is only precedented by the 1967 appointment of the first secretary Alan S. Boyd by Lyndon B. Johnson. Many are calling it the most politically unifying Cabinet appointment of the century. At publishing time, Buc-ee had released a joint statement with DOGE stating that all DMVs would now be staffed by Buc-ee's employees for the sake of cleanliness, efficiency, and courtesy. The statement has been met by wild rejoicing.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
An Oldie But a Goodie
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant¡¯s owners hired Andersen?Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I¡¯ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter¡¯s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 per cent."
I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don¡¯t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In case you're missing baseball in the 'off season'
Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Breaks All Records In T-Ball League
?
-----
Wife Announces New Year Resolutions For Husband
RED BLUFF, CA ¡ª As people ring in the new year by taking on resolutions meant to improve their lives, local wife and mother Karen Moore took it upon herself to graciously announce a number of resolutions for her husband so he wouldn't have to.
"He never makes New Year's resolutions," she said. "But I know that deep down he really wants to be a better person for me ¡ª I mean himself." Karen's husband, Tim, is now resolved to lose 30 pounds, take the kids to school everyday, make more money, take a romantic trip to Cancun, learn to salsa dance, and buy new curtains for the house. All for his benefit. "New Year's resolutions are hard, but I know he can do it," Mrs. Moore said. "He has no choice." When asked to comment, Tim's wife helpfully spoke for him, noting that Tim was "very happy" to have so many New Year's resolutions to work so hard on and that he was "very excited" about all the salads he would be eating. At publishing time, Karen Moore had already failed her New Year's resolution to stop being so controlling. -----
Greg Abbott sent condolences to Jimmy Carter¡¯s wife ¨C who had been dead a yearTexas governor mocked for statement about former president directed at Rosalynn Carter, who died in November 2023
?rosalynn-ondolences
-----
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A Cinderella SariDecember 20, 2024 by Amy Marchand Collins
Merriam, Kansas, USA
In 1998, the Association for Global New Thought launched the first Season for Nonviolence, a program honoring the principles of M.K. Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The Unity Church of Overland Park sponsored it in the Kansas City area, and I was on the leadership team. Mahatma Gandhi¡¯s grandson, Arun Gandhi, who with his wife Sunanda carries on his grandfather¡¯s work, accepted our invitation to speak. We organized a dinner and fundraiser in his honor. Because team members had traveled to India, I knew they would wear clothes purchased there. I wanted that look, too. The afternoon before the dinner, I ventured to an Indian grocer rumored to carry saris. In the store, I found the saris, which were simply flat pieces of beautiful fabric. I had no idea how to put one on. I asked the manager if someone could show me. He indicated a woman and said, ¡°My customer will help you.¡± Embarrassed but driven by the knowledge that the dinner was hours away, I explained my request and its purpose. She questioned: ¡°Do you have a petticoat? Blouse? Sandals?¡± I had none. What happened next amazed me. She said, ¡°Come, I will lend you a?sari.¡± Minutes later, I was driving behind her, her teenage daughter in?my car in case I got lost. At the house, I was led upstairs. She opened?drawers and boxes, pulling out a dazzling display of silk saris. Only?one was off-limits ¡ª her wedding sari! I chose a deep green silk sari accented with real gold. She found a blouse in a similar color and a green petticoat with a drawstring waist. The drawstring anchors the fabric, which is pleated and tucked into the petticoat. She began to fold, pleating the silk and draping it around me, anchoring it with a few safety pins. She showed me how the pins held the pleats in place so I could put it on to wear for services the next morning. Next, she produced beautiful gold and pearl jewelry: earrings, a necklace, and bracelets, as well as a?bindi, the decorative accent worn in the center of the forehead. A pair of sandals (that fit!) completed the ensemble. I felt exactly like Cinderella! In the grand scheme of things, it mattered little how I was dressed for that dinner. Yet I was deeply touched at the trust and generosity this woman displayed to a stranger. How easy to ignore my request or just tell me what I needed to purchase. Instead, she invited me to her home and dressed me from head to toe. She sent me on my way with hugs and well wishes, with no apparent concern about when she would see her precious things again. Although I consider myself to be both generous and trusting, I wonder if I would have done the same had our positions been reversed. I remain deeply grateful for the opportunity to wear her sari and for her example of generosity and kindness. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Presenting The Babylon Bee Awards For 2024 ?¡¤?Dec 20, 2024 ¡¤ BabylonBee.com
With only a few days left before the calendar turns to 2025, it's time to look back and honor some of this year's most amazing achievements. 2024 was one for the ages, featuring numerous historic events, momentous accomplishments, and some type of election people keep talking about. Without further ado, The Babylon Bee is proud to present the following awards for 2024:
Most Christlike Award ¡ª?Jesus:?Though He faced stiff competition from candidates like Donald Trump, Chris Pratt, and Catturd, the Son of God extended His streak of winning the most important award more than 2,000 times. Indian of the Year ¡ª?Vivek Ramaswamy:?While Kash Patel, Kamala Harris, and Elizabeth Warren gave him a run for his money, Vivek's status as one of the leaders of DOGE and the manager of Trump's upcoming White House 7-Eleven store sealed the deal. President of the Year ¡ª?Jill Biden:?In what proved to be a tumultuous year, Dr. Jill stepped into the leadership void to guide the country and cement her place in history books as the most powerful member of the Biden family. Best Traveling Comedy Troupe ¡ª?FBI:?While 2024 was a stressful year for many, the Federal Bureau of Investigation consistently provided much-needed comic relief through trying times. By ensuring no crime would be solved, the FBI kept Americans in stitches all year long. Fast Food Employee of the Year ¡ª?Donald Trump, McDonald's:?Never before has a new, inexperienced hire brought such an immediate spike in customer traffic. Diners and media members lined up for blocks to try this young man's french fries and converse with him at the drive-thru window, making him the most legendary fast food worker in recorded history. Some witnesses even predicted that this lowly fry cook would one day become president. Investment of the Year ¡ª?Hawk Tuah Coin:?You didn't hear it from us, but this is one of the most talked about cryptocurrencies in the world right now. It's all over the news. Jump in now and pour all of your money into it. You'll probably become a billionaire. Take this with a grain of salt, as none of us know what cryptocurrency is or how it works. Most Likely to Succeed at Killing a President ¡ª?U.S. Secret Service:?While other government organizations were playing checkers and slowly weakening the country, the overachieving chess masters at the United States Secret Service stood head and shoulders above everyone else by attempting to throw the nation (and the entire world) into total chaos by trying to knock off a president. Keep not working hard, Secret Service, and you'll eventually get the job done. Ballot Counters of the Year ¡ª?California:?Word has it they're still counting ballots. From 2004. Best Disappearing Act ¡ª?Aaron Judge's bat in the World Series:?Not even David Copperfield, Criss Angel, David Blaine, or Harry Houdini himself could have ever dreamed of wowing crowds with such an astonishing magic trick as the one performed by the New York Yankees slugger, who made his vaunted power-hitting bat completely vanish on live television right in front of everyone's eyes. Best Film ¡ª January 6: The Most Deadliest Day:?Many critics have said it may be the greatest, most influential work ever committed to film. We say it's better than that.
No year-end list would be complete without remembering those who left us during the past year. Like the COVID-19 vaccine, those listed below will live forever in the hearts of millions of people. In Memoriam:
That's 2024 in a nutshell. What a year it was!? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR ABBY: My fiance's daughter is having a baby. Her mother is helping give the shower. My fiance and his ex have been divorced for 21 years. She was the one who cheated, asked for the divorce and kicked him out. She threatened not to attend her daughter's wedding because he was bringing me. We have been together nine years now. I am not invited to the shower because the ex doesn't want me there. It's not even being held at her home. His daughter likes me but doesn't want to upset her mom. I think it's time for the ex to grow up and get a life. I told my fiance the whole thing is childish, but now I no longer want to go to the shower because you can't like me one day and then not the next. What should I do? -- EX ISSUES IN THE MIDWEST DEAR EX ISSUES: Be the adult your fiance's ex isn't. Suck it up and make plans with some of your friends so you're not sitting alone feeling sorry for yourself while the baby shower is happening. Buy a nice present for the little one, offer it to the mother at some other time and don't make waves.
DEAR ABBY: I was recently in a traumatic car crash (hit head-on by a drunk driver within a mile of my home). It resulted in my right leg being broken in multiple places. I bought a car with the insurance claim. Within a month and without warning, my mother bought me the exact same car that was totaled in the accident. The catch is, my mother expects me to sell the car I purchased and give her the proceeds. First, this was portrayed as a gift. Now it seems like it's a debt hanging over my head. Would it be rude or selfish of me to keep the car I bought, or keep the money if I decide to sell? The stimulus checks have been helpful, but my financial future is up in the air because of the life-altering accident. -- INJURED IN INDIANA DEAR INJURED: Keep the car you purchased. Tell your mother you know she meant well. Then give her back the car she bought, as well as the keys and the pink slip, so she can do whatever she wants with it. If you do, it will cause less conflict.
DEAR ABBY: I am having a problem with love. I like two boys. The problem is they are best friends, and I have already kissed them both. I don't know what to do. We aren't dating. I can't choose, because if I date one of them the other will be angry with me and with his friend. Help me, please. -- WORRIED STUDENT IN SPAIN DEAR STUDENT: You are lucky that you have youth and the freedom to choose. Regardless of which of the boys you pick, there will be problems. That's why I suggest you get romantically involved with neither one, find someone else to "love" and refrain from kissing that person's friends. Buena suerte! |
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Daily Clean Jokes for January 14, 2025? ?
Kirk's Limerick
Flies infest police station.??They stream All around and annoy, so a scheme ????????????To get rid of the flies ????????????Is soon hatched that is wise. Everybody has?joined?the?SWAT?team. ? Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. ? What is a zebra? ????26 sizes larger than "A" bra ? Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald. ? What color is a belch? ????Burple ? Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. ? Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
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Man's Critical
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Coldplay - ALL MY LOVE
No jokes or puns today, just a little nostalga? for a man that brought laughter into my life on TV and in movies. who is 99+.
A music video for a song from Coldplay that pays tribute to entertainment legend¡ªDick Van Dyke, who is 99 and still dancing.
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'Please, Someone Kill Me Now,' Begs Dried-Out Christmas Tree From Corner Of Living Room
Babylon Bee
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True News?
Calling Their Bluff:?Pastor Will Duffy of the Denver Bible Church, which is in?...well...?Wheat Ridge, Colo., was surprised to learn that some people still believe the Earth is flat, so he invited several prominent Flat Earthers to accompany him to Antarctica. It seems FE¡¯ers believe that Antarctica is the edge of the Earth, and that it¡¯s ¡°off limits¡± due to the Antarctic Treaty of 1959 (despite tourists going there all the time), so they couldn¡¯t go there to get proof of theEarth¡¯s flatness. So let¡¯s go, Duffy said, and he¡¯d pay the expenses. ¡°I created The Final Experiment to end this debate once and for all,¡± Duffy said. The result? ¡°Sometimes you are wrong in life,¡± admitted FE¡¯er Jeran Campanella of the YouTube channel ¡°Jeranism¡± during a livestream from Antarctica. ¡°Don¡¯t listen to my beliefs or my opinion,¡± Campanella said, ¡°but at least you should be able to accept that the sun does exactly what these guys said as far as [it] circles the southern continent.¡± FE¡¯er Austin Whitsitt of ¡°Witsit Gets It¡± agreed: ¡°We were wrong,¡± he said. ¡°After we go to Antarctica,¡± Duffy said before the trip, ¡°no one has to waste any more time debating the shape of the Earth.¡± (RC/)?...They don¡¯t have to, but they will.
Bathroom Bully:?Amber Johnson says she received a text message from her daughter¡¯s first grade teacher at Bartlett Elementary School in Conroe, Texas, letting her know students had ¡°lost their privilege to use the restroom because they lost their restroom badge.¡±?Huh??¡°Unfortunately, we had some friends who really needed to use the restroom and ended up peeing on themselves,¡± the teacher continued. Johnson says the teacher took the pass away before lunch, ¡°and didn¡¯t allow them to use the restroom for the rest of the day.¡± The teacher said her justification was that ¡°if we both help [the children] understand the rules, they will understand it better.¡± Outraged parents reached out to the school, and the district has said the teacher is ¡°no longer employed¡± there. (MS/Houston Chronicle)?...Maybe now she understands the rules. A Prime Event:?Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez are having a $600 million wedding in Aspen, Colo., the London?Daily Mail?claimed. On X, billionaire hedge fund manager Bill Ackman looked at that number and found it ¡°not credible. Unless you are buying each of your guests a house, you can¡¯t spend this much money.¡± Bezos, 60, and as the founder of Amazon.com the second-richest man in the world, shared that and added: ¡°Furthermore, this whole thing is completely false ¡ª none of this is happening.¡± The?Washington Post?owner also added advice: ¡°Now lies can get ALL the way around the world before the truth can get its pants on. So be careful out there folks and don¡¯t be gullible.¡± (AC/London Independent)?...Mr. Bezos, you¡¯re a great innovator and own a newspaper. Find a faster way for truth to get its pants on. Bezos ¡ª Jeff Bezos:?There hasn¡¯t been a James Bond film released since 2021; when might we see another? Hard to say: Albert ¡°Cubby¡± Broccoli and Harry Saltzman bought the film rights to Ian Fleming¡¯s novels in 1961, and formed Eon Productions to hold those rights and produce the films. Meanwhile, in 2021 Amazon.com paid $6.5 billion (and paid off nearly $2 billion in debt) for MGM Studios, which owns distribution rights to the existing Bond films, in large part to get the Bond films for its Prime streaming service, so it¡¯s anxious for a new Bond film. Albert¡¯s daughter, Barbara Broccoli, 64, still runs Eon,and doesn¡¯t trust Amazon and its algorithmic ways. ¡°These people are f---ing idiots,¡± she says, and refuses to permit a new film to be produced. Her thinking? She quotes her father¡¯s business motto: ¡°Don¡¯t have temporary people make permanent decisions.¡± Amazon is also anxious to make a Bond TV series, or do spinoff series, such as one based on Moneypenny. Broccoli¡¯s response to those ideas has reportedly been, ¡°Did you read the contract?¡± (RC/Wall Street Journal)?...Once you take off theshrinkwrap, it¡¯s binding.
Twisted
Oregon Man Missing Since 2021 Remains Found
KGW Portland (Ore.) headline -----
This is TRUE - NOT satire.
?- You can't make up this stuff
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WASHINGTON, D.C. ¡ª President-elect Donald Trump has just named Buc-ee the Beaver as his Secretary of Transportation in a move bringing joy to millions of drivers across the country. According to Trump, Buc-ee has an excellent track record of experience within transportation, and the Texan beaver should play a pivotal role in cleaning up America's rest stops, gas stations, and roadside restaurants. "Buc-ee is simply tremendous," Trump told reporters. "His work is, quite frankly, some of the best work we're seeing coming out of Texas. All of the big, beautiful gas stations, with the clean bathrooms and the fudge. They say that it's the Trump Tower of gas stations, and that's really saying something, because Trump Towers are the best towers. Buc-ee is going to do an outstanding job of making America's gas stations great again." Buc-ee's nomination has encountered no opposition whatsoever, a feat which is only precedented by the 1967 appointment of the first secretary Alan S. Boyd by Lyndon B. Johnson. Many are calling it the most politically unifying Cabinet appointment of the century. At publishing time, Buc-ee had released a joint statement with DOGE stating that all DMVs would now be staffed by Buc-ee's employees for the sake of cleanliness, efficiency, and courtesy. The statement has been met by wild rejoicing.
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An Oldie But a Goodie
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant¡¯s owners hired Andersen?Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I¡¯ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter¡¯s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 per cent."
I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don¡¯t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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In case you're missing baseball in the 'off season'
Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Breaks All Records In T-Ball League
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Wife Announces New Year Resolutions For Husband
RED BLUFF, CA ¡ª As people ring in the new year by taking on resolutions meant to improve their lives, local wife and mother Karen Moore took it upon herself to graciously announce a number of resolutions for her husband so he wouldn't have to.
"He never makes New Year's resolutions," she said. "But I know that deep down he really wants to be a better person for me ¡ª I mean himself." Karen's husband, Tim, is now resolved to lose 30 pounds, take the kids to school everyday, make more money, take a romantic trip to Cancun, learn to salsa dance, and buy new curtains for the house. All for his benefit. "New Year's resolutions are hard, but I know he can do it," Mrs. Moore said. "He has no choice." When asked to comment, Tim's wife helpfully spoke for him, noting that Tim was "very happy" to have so many New Year's resolutions to work so hard on and that he was "very excited" about all the salads he would be eating. At publishing time, Karen Moore had already failed her New Year's resolution to stop being so controlling. _______________________________________________________________________________:___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Greg Abbott sent condolences to Jimmy Carter¡¯s wife ¨C who had been dead a yearTexas governor mocked for statement about former president directed at Rosalynn Carter, who died in November 2023
?rosalynn-ondolences
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A Cinderella SariDecember 20, 2024 by Amy Marchand Collins
Merriam, Kansas, USA
In 1998, the Association for Global New Thought launched the first Season for Nonviolence, a program honoring the principles of M.K. Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The Unity Church of Overland Park sponsored it in the Kansas City area, and I was on the leadership team. Mahatma Gandhi¡¯s grandson, Arun Gandhi, who with his wife Sunanda carries on his grandfather¡¯s work, accepted our invitation to speak. We organized a dinner and fundraiser in his honor. Because team members had traveled to India, I knew they would wear clothes purchased there. I wanted that look, too. The afternoon before the dinner, I ventured to an Indian grocer rumored to carry saris. In the store, I found the saris, which were simply flat pieces of beautiful fabric. I had no idea how to put one on. I asked the manager if someone could show me. He indicated a woman and said, ¡°My customer will help you.¡± Embarrassed but driven by the knowledge that the dinner was hours away, I explained my request and its purpose. She questioned: ¡°Do you have a petticoat? Blouse? Sandals?¡± I had none. What happened next amazed me. She said, ¡°Come, I will lend you a?sari.¡± Minutes later, I was driving behind her, her teenage daughter in?my car in case I got lost. At the house, I was led upstairs. She opened?drawers and boxes, pulling out a dazzling display of silk saris. Only?one was off-limits ¡ª her wedding sari! I chose a deep green silk sari accented with real gold. She found a blouse in a similar color and a green petticoat with a drawstring waist. The drawstring anchors the fabric, which is pleated and tucked into the petticoat. She began to fold, pleating the silk and draping it around me, anchoring it with a few safety pins. She showed me how the pins held the pleats in place so I could put it on to wear for services the next morning. Next, she produced beautiful gold and pearl jewelry: earrings, a necklace, and bracelets, as well as a?bindi, the decorative accent worn in the center of the forehead. A pair of sandals (that fit!) completed the ensemble. I felt exactly like Cinderella! In the grand scheme of things, it mattered little how I was dressed for that dinner. Yet I was deeply touched at the trust and generosity this woman displayed to a stranger. How easy to ignore my request or just tell me what I needed to purchase. Instead, she invited me to her home and dressed me from head to toe. She sent me on my way with hugs and well wishes, with no apparent concern about when she would see her precious things again. Although I consider myself to be both generous and trusting, I wonder if I would have done the same had our positions been reversed. I remain deeply grateful for the opportunity to wear her sari and for her example of generosity and kindness. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Presenting The Babylon Bee Awards For 2024 ?¡¤?Dec 20, 2024 ¡¤ BabylonBee.com
With only a few days left before the calendar turns to 2025, it's time to look back and honor some of this year's most amazing achievements. 2024 was one for the ages, featuring numerous historic events, momentous accomplishments, and some type of election people keep talking about. Without further ado, The Babylon Bee is proud to present the following awards for 2024:
Most Christlike Award ¡ª?Jesus:?Though He faced stiff competition from candidates like Donald Trump, Chris Pratt, and Catturd, the Son of God extended His streak of winning the most important award more than 2,000 times. Indian of the Year ¡ª?Vivek Ramaswamy:?While Kash Patel, Kamala Harris, and Elizabeth Warren gave him a run for his money, Vivek's status as one of the leaders of DOGE and the manager of Trump's upcoming White House 7-Eleven store sealed the deal. President of the Year ¡ª?Jill Biden:?In what proved to be a tumultuous year, Dr. Jill stepped into the leadership void to guide the country and cement her place in history books as the most powerful member of the Biden family. Best Traveling Comedy Troupe ¡ª?FBI:?While 2024 was a stressful year for many, the Federal Bureau of Investigation consistently provided much-needed comic relief through trying times. By ensuring no crime would be solved, the FBI kept Americans in stitches all year long. Fast Food Employee of the Year ¡ª?Donald Trump, McDonald's:?Never before has a new, inexperienced hire brought such an immediate spike in customer traffic. Diners and media members lined up for blocks to try this young man's french fries and converse with him at the drive-thru window, making him the most legendary fast food worker in recorded history. Some witnesses even predicted that this lowly fry cook would one day become president. Investment of the Year ¡ª?Hawk Tuah Coin:?You didn't hear it from us, but this is one of the most talked about cryptocurrencies in the world right now. It's all over the news. Jump in now and pour all of your money into it. You'll probably become a billionaire. Take this with a grain of salt, as none of us know what cryptocurrency is or how it works. Most Likely to Succeed at Killing a President ¡ª?U.S. Secret Service:?While other government organizations were playing checkers and slowly weakening the country, the overachieving chess masters at the United States Secret Service stood head and shoulders above everyone else by attempting to throw the nation (and the entire world) into total chaos by trying to knock off a president. Keep not working hard, Secret Service, and you'll eventually get the job done. Ballot Counters of the Year ¡ª?California:?Word has it they're still counting ballots. From 2004. Best Disappearing Act ¡ª?Aaron Judge's bat in the World Series:?Not even David Copperfield, Criss Angel, David Blaine, or Harry Houdini himself could have ever dreamed of wowing crowds with such an astonishing magic trick as the one performed by the New York Yankees slugger, who made his vaunted power-hitting bat completely vanish on live television right in front of everyone's eyes. Best Film ¡ª January 6: The Most Deadliest Day:?Many critics have said it may be the greatest, most influential work ever committed to film. We say it's better than that.
No year-end list would be complete without remembering those who left us during the past year. Like the COVID-19 vaccine, those listed below will live forever in the hearts of millions of people. In Memoriam:
That's 2024 in a nutshell. What a year it was!? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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DEAR ABBY: My fiance's daughter is having a baby. Her mother is helping give the shower. My fiance and his ex have been divorced for 21 years. She was the one who cheated, asked for the divorce and kicked him out. She threatened not to attend her daughter's wedding because he was bringing me. We have been together nine years now. I am not invited to the shower because the ex doesn't want me there. It's not even being held at her home. His daughter likes me but doesn't want to upset her mom. I think it's time for the ex to grow up and get a life. I told my fiance the whole thing is childish, but now I no longer want to go to the shower because you can't like me one day and then not the next. What should I do? -- EX ISSUES IN THE MIDWEST DEAR EX ISSUES: Be the adult your fiance's ex isn't. Suck it up and make plans with some of your friends so you're not sitting alone feeling sorry for yourself while the baby shower is happening. Buy a nice present for the little one, offer it to the mother at some other time and don't make waves.
DEAR ABBY: I was recently in a traumatic car crash (hit head-on by a drunk driver within a mile of my home). It resulted in my right leg being broken in multiple places. I bought a car with the insurance claim. Within a month and without warning, my mother bought me the exact same car that was totaled in the accident. The catch is, my mother expects me to sell the car I purchased and give her the proceeds. First, this was portrayed as a gift. Now it seems like it's a debt hanging over my head. Would it be rude or selfish of me to keep the car I bought, or keep the money if I decide to sell? The stimulus checks have been helpful, but my financial future is up in the air because of the life-altering accident. -- INJURED IN INDIANA DEAR INJURED: Keep the car you purchased. Tell your mother you know she meant well. Then give her back the car she bought, as well as the keys and the pink slip, so she can do whatever she wants with it. If you do, it will cause less conflict.
DEAR ABBY: I am having a problem with love. I like two boys. The problem is they are best friends, and I have already kissed them both. I don't know what to do. We aren't dating. I can't choose, because if I date one of them the other will be angry with me and with his friend. Help me, please. -- WORRIED STUDENT IN SPAIN DEAR STUDENT: You are lucky that you have youth and the freedom to choose. Regardless of which of the boys you pick, there will be problems. That's why I suggest you get romantically involved with neither one, find someone else to "love" and refrain from kissing that person's friends. Buena suerte! |
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