Daily Clean Jokes for May 1, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for May 1, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? When you're teaching recruits how to schlep In a marching formation, the prep ????????????That all drill sergeants know ????????????That is best: Take it slow. Do not hurry; just go?step?by?step. ? Jim, Carol, Conrad, Bill, Chris got it.? ? ? Kirk Miller ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:? ?By all means, marry If you get a good wife, you'll?become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.? ?-- Socrates
? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ?Why can¡¯t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Puns of the Day:? ? What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. ----- Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It¡¯s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can¡¯t jump. ----- Many years ago my wife was a knitting expert. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (Only one person spoke 'pidgin' English, and all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the handwritten menu, she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked it in her purse. Some months later i saw the result -- it was a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front. She received compliments galore until, at one party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician, who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant. ? "I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway." ? Even she had to?laugh?when the doctor told her they read, "This is a cheap dish --- but?good." ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? A Robber Funny The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk. "Just answer the phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor. The phone rang. "Hello," said the clerk. "Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end. The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told you everything I know." >>>Today's Thot Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
? Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? 12 Reasons Why a Pastor Quit Attending Sporting Events ? 1. The coach never came to visit me. 2. Every time I went, they asked for money. 3. The people sitting in my row didn¡¯t seem very friendly. 4. The seats were very hard. 5. The referees made a decision I didn¡¯t agree with. 6. I was sitting with hypocrites¡ªthey only came to see what others were wearing! 7. Some games went into overtime and I was late getting home. 8. The band played some songs I had never heard before. 9. The games are scheduled on my only day to sleep in and run errands. 10. My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up. 11. Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches, anyway. 12. I don¡¯t want to take my children because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best. ? Thanks to Patrick Malone for sharing this one ... via Keith Todd's Sermon Fodder;?sermon_fodder-owner@... ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Diet-tribes ? I got tired of the jelly diet, and now I'm in a jam ? The sardine diet smells fishy to me ? After starting the cantaloupe diet, the hillbilly canceled her wedding plans ? I started a Graham cracker diet after Billy's tent revival meeting ? I couldn't afford the bread diet very long, because I quickly ran out of dough ? A long time ago, I went on a spaghetti diet and hated it, but that's in the pasta now ? I didn't like sharing any shrimp diet recipes. I guess that was shellfish of me ? If you don't like the color of your food, you could always diet ? The recipe called for ground beef, beans and tomato sauce but not to heat it. Instead eat chili ? I never could get ahead on my ketchup diet ? A great diet for older kids ages 13-19 is pure protein ? When my wife asked if we should try a fresh salad only diet, I said "lettuce" ? Every time I try the Mediterranean diet, I get sick and falafel ? The foot model refused a dairy diet because she didn't want to lactose ? I heard margarine is bad in any diet. Coconut oil is much butter ? I once joined a group of barbeque dieters and never sausage pigs ? I fought against going on the pretzel diet but they finally twisted my arm. ? Some claim you can lose weight just by eating cereal every meal but I think they're flakes ? "Long Live The Burned Bread Diet," he toasted ? I thought about going vegan but I can't afford it on my celery ? I almost finished my shrimp diet but just fell short ? I broke my promise to go on a cucumber diet and now find myself in a pickle ? I stopped my dog's "scraps from the table" diet, which he thought was crumby ? When I was younger I wanted to try lots of different diets but I just can't spinach time as I used to ? If one goes on an Oreo cookie diet would she ever get her fill? ? ----- ? I had heard there was one involving small sausages, but couldn't find a link. (Charles Wukasch) ? I'm interested, too, in a diet involving Scandinavian fish. Someone was telling me about it, but I didn't understand him very well because I'm getting old and my herring is bad. (Charles Wukasch) ? Bickering siblings at the table will never go hungry because there's enough feud for everyone. (Cynthia MacGregor} ? Received from Daily-Humor ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? On the Lighter Side? ? ?Diet-tribes ? I got tired of the jelly diet, and now I'm in a jam ? The sardine diet smells fishy to me ? After starting the cantaloupe diet, the hillbilly canceled her wedding plans ? I started a Graham cracker diet after Billy's tent revival meeting ? I couldn't afford the bread diet very long, because I quickly ran out of dough ? A long time ago, I went on a spaghetti diet and hated it, but that's in the pasta now ? I didn't like sharing any shrimp diet recipes. I guess that was shellfish of me ? If you don't like the color of your food, you could always diet ? The recipe called for ground beef, beans and tomato sauce but not to heat it. Instead eat chili ? I never could get ahead on my ketchup diet ? A great diet for older kids ages 13-19 is pure protein ? When my wife asked if we should try a fresh salad only diet, I said "lettuce" ? Every time I try the Mediterranean diet, I get sick and falafel ? The foot model refused a dairy diet because she didn't want to lactose ? I heard margarine is bad in any diet. Coconut oil is much butter ? I once joined a group of barbeque dieters and never sausage pigs ? I fought against going on the pretzel diet but they finally twisted my arm. ? Some claim you can lose weight just by eating cereal every meal but I think they're flakes ? "Long Live The Burned Bread Diet," he toasted ? I thought about going vegan but I can't afford it on my celery ? I almost finished my shrimp diet but just fell short ? I broke my promise to go on a cucumber diet and now find myself in a pickle ? I stopped my dog's "scraps from the table" diet, which he thought was crumby ? When I was younger I wanted to try lots of different diets but I just can't spinach time as I used to ? If one goes on an Oreo cookie diet would she ever get her fill? ? ----- ? I had heard there was one involving small sausages, but couldn't find a link. (Charles Wukasch) ? I'm interested, too, in a diet involving Scandinavian fish. Someone was telling me about it, but I didn't understand him very well because I'm getting old and my herring is bad. (Charles Wukasch) ? Bickering siblings at the table will never go hungry because there's enough feud for everyone. (Cynthia MacGregor} ? Received from Daily-Humor ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Loan ? This one older lady, not quite up on the ins and outs of banks, was surprised to receive a notice demanding payment on her loan. She called the loan officer & said, "I can't return your money. I'm not finished with it yet." ? Received from jshylumcleanjokes ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pregnancy Test ? A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn¡¯t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. ? She said, ¡°Honey, I have some really great news for you!¡± ? He said, ¡°Great, tell me what you¡¯re so happy about!¡± ? She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! ? He kissed her and told her, ¡°That¡¯s great! I couldn¡¯t be happier!¡± ? Then, she said, ¡°Oh, honey, there¡¯s more!¡± ? He asked, ¡°What do you mean, ¡®more?¡¯¡± ? She said, ¡°Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!¡± ? Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. ? She said, ¡°Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!¡± ? ?----- Amazing Video : Two Year Old Dancing to Jailhouse Rock? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ?? ? Lot's Wife ? A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." ? His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" ? Received from Blue Sky ? ? A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would be fifty dollars, she was outraged. ? "I only pay thirty for my own haircut," she said. ? The groomer said, "That may be true, but then you don't bite!" ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks Daily Trivia Question:???As the defeated presidential candidate might guess, what Irish county includes the scenic Dingle Peninsula, where Irish is still the main language? A) Kerry B) Kennedy C) McCain D) Romney Answer:??The Dingle Peninsula is in Kerry County. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation,?clean?air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages. ? ----- ? A new study of online dating profiles reveals that women respond 31 percent better to men who use the word "whom." Frankly, I don't know whom these men are, or whom they're trying to impress. ? ----- ? In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote. Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? ? ? What¡¯s on the Web? ----------------------- ? Little Girl Dancing At Wedding Goes Viral!? ? -----? Two Year Old Dancing to Jailhouse Rock ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |