Daily Clean Jokes for February 28, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for February 28, 2025? ?? ? Today's Clean Limericks ? Lexicographer friend said that she Will attend her group's meeting.??I plea ????????????For a favor from her. ????????????She agrees and says, "Sure." I ask, "Put?in?a?good?word?for?me?" ? Conrad got it. ? Kirk Miller
?? -----? ? ? Kirk's Puns A dozen swimmers started a race at the stroke of twelve. ? Did you hear about paratrooper who was unable to jump???He never could explane himself. ? The vice squad busted the exotic dancers at the topless club, and business came to a grinding halt. ? How do chess players start a story? ????Once a pawn a time . . . ? If you watched the old?Bewitched?TV show . . . One day last Wiccan I wanted to have sects with a witch. I heard they give Moorehead and I Wanda-ed if this was true. After a spell I went over to cauldron Ms. Montgomery to get Samanthas. When I got there her gates Endoras warlocked so I figured I'd be Darrin and climb innuendo.??The place was a mess. It was simply a Paul Lynde. It looked like the brick coven had exploded. I thought to myself, "This is spooky. Alice Ghostley and Serena in here, and quite for Lorne." I think Elizabeth and Sargent York had broken up because there was a message scrawled on the wall. "My divorce bewitch you." ----- Does Congress Deserve Raises? Babylon Bee Is there any group of people that work harder than Congressmen? No. No there is not. And yet, these poor, industrious public servants often don't get raises, sometimes for years. Well, we're compassionate for the less fortunate here at The Babylon Bee, so we've put together this list of the eight best reasons that members of Congress deserve a hefty raise right away:
Are you convinced that the good people in Congress are getting cheated out of well-deserved raises? If you're not, you should be. Call your representative now and demand he give himself a raise. ----- 2025 Predictions ? Kirk Miller ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ?Two cannibals are eating a clown?and one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?". ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? I Need a Raise ? I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. ? My boss asked, "What companies?" ? Gas, water and electricity. ? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20." "That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked." "Well, at $100 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked." ?via GCFL. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, "Lost satellite contact."? ? I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, "Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you." ? ----- The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" ? I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife! ? He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too? ? I said, "No, she's an optometrist!" ----- ? Bet Ya' Didn't Know: ? In 1926, women were banned from competing in marathons because it was believed it caused infertility. ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ?? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? On the Lighter Side? ? Multi-Use Canoe? Today I learned that if you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat ...? Because it's cap-sized!? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into the house. He slammed the door and screamed, "HONEY, I WON THE LOTTERY!" She said, "That's incredible! Finally, I can leave you and take half!" He said, "That is great news, isn't it? It was a $20 winner!", as he handed her $10, and then said, "Now get out." ----- A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"? Her husband says, "Great! Where are we going?" She says, "We?" ----- Wife asks husband "If you won the lottery would you still love me?" He says "Of course I would still love you! Don't be silly". "I'd miss you, but I'd still love you" ? Received from Reddit Clean.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ?? Fun with Words ? I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. -- Groucho Marx ? They opened their shoe store in a neighborhood that had lots of foot traffic ? I’ve just finished reading a book about the world’s greatest basement ... It was a best cellar. ? It’s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson. ? My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently because I left Windows open. ? I thought swimming with dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks… It cost me an arm and a leg. ? The main function of your big toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place. ? Horses have lower divorce rates.? It’s because they are in stable relationships. ? It’s pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car I will get tired but if I run behind a car will I get exhausted. ? My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.? I told them you just wait. ? 90 % of bald people still own a comb; they just can’t part with it. ? Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle… it’s a vicious cycle. ? The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary. ? I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.?? People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck. ? The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice. ? What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards?...? A receding hare line. ? Always trust nudists… they have nothing to hide. ? Received from Phyllis Ingram ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ? What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? ----- A woman is walking along the beach with her children, appearing to be looking for something. At this moment, a lifeguard traipses up to them. "Excuse me, ma'am," he says. "I had noticed you seemed to be looking for something and wish to offer my help." ----- Thought Of The Day:??A Negative Mind “A negative mind will never give you a positive life.” -- Unknown ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Actual Answer from a Medical Student? While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.? “As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”? The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”? “Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.” ? ----- ? An Irish Mental Institution? In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.? This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike.? They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.? The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.? "Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.? Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.? Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him.? The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"? "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.? "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"? "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom.? The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.? When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.? The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"? "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.? This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.? "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"? "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.? But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."? ----- ? Who is it?? An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the hotel clerk asked him a riddle.? "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"? The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't know, who was it?"? The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"? The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England.? When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them: "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"? His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."? ----- ? Threatening Letters? The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."? "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"? "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service." Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have not had sex for the last four years. I'm not a perfect husband. I have made my share of mistakes -- not always telling the truth, texting other women -- and she has her share of imperfections as well. She has hit me on more than one occasion. She has also pulled a gun on me and stole $1,400. And yet, I find myself putting all that aside and moving forward. I do love my wife, but right now I am at my breaking point. Do you have any advice? -- AT WITS' END IN TEXAS DEAR WITS' END: Because you love your wife and want to stay married, tell her that. While you're at it, offer her the opportunity to work out your differences through marriage counseling. If she agrees, it will be a giant leap in the right direction. However, if she doesn't, for your own safety, you two must separate. The relationship you have described is volatile, unhealthy and unsafe for you. DEAR ABBY: I am a senior woman and have been in a relationship for five months with a widower. His wife died three years ago. He calls me every night, and we see each other three to four times a week. My issue is that he's cheap. He makes three times what I do but takes me out only for bar food meals. I want to say something, but I'm not sure how. He's a great guy except for this, but I don't want to stay if he doesn't value me more. Should I tell him he's too cheap or just break it off? -- UNDERVALUED IN CALIFORNIA DEAR UNDERVALUED: No, do not do either. Tell him you feel a constant diet of bar food isn't the healthiest, and you would like to try something different. Then ask him to make a reservation at a restaurant. If he balks, volunteer that perhaps you could split the cost. His reaction to that will tell you whether to stick with him or not. DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter died tragically this year, struck by a driver while on her morning walk. She leaves behind a husband and four children under the age of 18. Their wedding anniversary is coming up, and we usually send a card and money. What would be appropriate for me to do for our son-in-law? I would like to send a card letting him know I'm thinking of him, but don't know the words to say. -- STUMPED IN MINNESOTA DEAR STUMPED: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your stepdaughter. Because her husband is family, I don't think sending a card would be enough. Pick up the phone, start a conversation and tell him he is in your and your spouse's thoughts and you want him to know it. Sending an anniversary card to someone whose spouse has recently died might not be as helpful as lending a willing ear. |
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Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
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