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There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: Family Doctors know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."?

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"?

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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Paul walked into Skeeter's Pub about 7PM, just a few minutes past the time he showed up three or four times a week. "What'll it be tonight, Paul?"?

"Bottle of Sam Adams, please, Skeeter."?

"I had Adams on tap last night and you ordered a bottle of Guinness. Last week I had Guinness on tap and you ordered a bottle of Foster's. Last month I had Foster's on tap -- you wanted Beck's. Too bad at your young age you'll never be able to run for public office."?

Paul shrugged. "How so?"?

"Because you've spent the last year and a half avoiding the draft."

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A Dog Funny

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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

>>>Today's Thot

The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail, and comes with unconditional love.

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Received From Mikey’s Funnies.

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In olden times, women were not allowed to act on the stage in many parts of the world. In operas, all female parts were sung by castrati (males castrated before puberty for this purpose). We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

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A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

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Since we imported four billion pounds of food from China last year, I don't need to know that a Chinese Walmart once sold mislabeled donkey meat - that's what it was supposed to be - that was actually ground-up fox! If I can't trust Walmart brand, Chinese-made, fox-free donkey burgers -what can I trust? "Walmart Donkey Burgers. One bite and you'll say this tastes like ass!"?--?Bill Maher

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A friend asked what parenting toddlers is like.

So I hid her keys, headbutted her in the face, and then told her I love her more than the stars.

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I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."

Feeling complimented and satisfied, but trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"

She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"

She replied, "I said your neck's burnt!"

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Thought Of The Day:??I Avoid Temptation

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” -- Mae West

Received from aJokeADay.

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Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. 

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? 
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: 
a. Baseball. 
b. Football. 
c. How fat you are. 
d. How much prettier she is than you. 
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. 

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!") 

Question # 2: Do you love me? 
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." 
Inappropriate responses include: 
a. Oh Yeah, shit loads. 
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? 
c. That depends on what you mean by love. 
d. Does it matter? 
e. Who, me? 


Question # 3: Do I look fat? 
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 
Among the incorrect answers are: 
a. Compared to what? 
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. 
c. A little extra weight looks good on you. 
d. I've seen fatter. 
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 


Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? 
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 
Incorrect responses include: 
a. Yes, but you have a better personality 
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner 
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age 
d. Define pretty 
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 


Question# 5: What would you do if I died? 
A definite no-win question. 
(The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") 
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: 
WOMAN: Would you get married again? 
MAN: Definitely not! 
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? 
MAN: Of course I do. 
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? 
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. 
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) 
MAN: Yes, I would. 
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? 
MAN: Where else would we sleep? 
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? 
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. 
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? 
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. 

DEAR ABBY: I'm fortunate that most of my neighbors are kind and considerate. We've all enjoyed sharing each other's celebrations. However, there's one family among the five households that we've never managed to connect with on a personal level. Despite our efforts, such as giving gifts and food, they have always been unresponsive. While there's no animosity, there is also no rapport.

Recently, an issue has arisen that's becoming increasingly troublesome. Their garage is so packed with belongings that they park their car outside. Unfortunately, the car has an extremely sensitive alarm system that goes off multiple times during the night. I have witnessed it being triggered by their cat jumping on the car. The alarm sounds for 15 to 20 seconds, and it's loud enough to interrupt sleep, which has been an ongoing problem for the last six months.

I consider myself a generally easygoing person, but this is frustrating. What's the most respectful way to address this issue with the family, given that we've had limited interaction with them? -- SLEEPY IN BELLEVUE, WASHINGTON

DEAR SLEEPY: Write the couple a note and explain that for the last six months their car alarm has been waking you up. Point out that the cause may be their cat jumping on the vehicle in the wee hours of the morning, and ask if the alarm can be set to be less sensitive or if their furry family member can be kept inside.

They won't know there is a problem if you don't communicate that there is one. (I wonder how the rest of the neighbors feel about this?) If the disturbance continues, you will have to report it as a nuisance to the homeowners association, if there is one, or to the police as a last resort. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I am 66 years old and have been diagnosed with moderately aggressive prostate cancer. I will start radiation therapy soon. My wife knows about it and has been very supportive, but we have not shared it with my children, siblings, relatives or friends.

One of the reasons for keeping quiet was that my daughter-in-law was expecting their first child, and I didn't want to ruin their joy. Now the baby is here, and I'm still not comfortable informing them. What is your opinion? Should I tell them, keep it a secret or let my wife tell them afterward, should I not survive the treatment? -- SECRETIVE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SECRETIVE: To tell or not to tell is a very personal decision. It might depend upon your reason for not wanting anyone to know about your diagnosis. Consider tabling the announcement until you have started treatment and see how challenging it may (or may not) be.

If you need emotional support, you may want to tell those close to you what's going on or join a cancer support group. It would be unfair to your wife to make her delay informing your children, siblings, relatives, etc. until after you are gone because she would be blamed for keeping your condition from them.

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