Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for April 27, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for April 27, 2025 ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Steaks and hamburger I like to eat, So I buy sides of beef.??It's a treat. ????????????I go in with some friends. ????????????Splitting beef always ends The same way.??Process is:?meet,?mete?meat. ? Carol, Bill, Jim, Erika, Chris, Dick got it. Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. ? ?? ?Kirk Miller ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:? ?The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.? -- George Burns
? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ?What did one DNA say to the other DNA? ¡°Do these genes make me look fat?¡± ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Kirk's Puns of the Day:? ? On the car radio, Dad listened to Pop music. ? If you want to talk about a certain track-and-field event, then you can?discuss discus. ? The first positive number really liked its alone time when it could be the one and only. ? What did the rope say after it got tangled? ????Oh, no, knot again. ? Two young women went into a furniture store and asked to be directed to the sofa department.??The salesman who greeted them was a chauvinistic good ol' boy who knew that his chances of making a sale were always much better when dealing with a married couple.??Still, he reluctantly began showing them the sofas, settees and love seats.??"What we're really looking for is an upholstered footstool that's long and wide, "one woman admitted."??"Oh, I might have known," responded the salesman, "but I don't think either of you is going to be able to find anything like that.??I always have felt a woman can't get a long width ottoman." ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? HOW TO KNOW IT'S TIME TO BUY A NEW CAR ~ A car exactly like yours is featured in a display in your local museum. ~ Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel. ~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped. ~ As you drive by, people keep yelling, "Get a horse." ~ Your emergency brake consists of putting your leg through a hole in the floorboard and dragging your foot on the pavement. ~ When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?" ~ Replacement running boards just aren't made like they used to. ~ While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt. ~ Police are constantly pulling you over on the interstate to ask why you're not maintaining the minimum 65 mph speed. ~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups. ~ Your gas gauge measures in cubits. >>>Today's Thot If I had a quarter for each math exam I've failed, I'd have $6.30. I avoid stairs. They're always up to something.
? Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? ? War is when the government tells you who the bad guy is. Revolution is when you decide that for yourself. Received from Wayne Onaka.via GCFL. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Ole Goes to New York City His name was Ole. He was from North?Dakota.? And he needed a loan. So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Oslo for the All-Scandinavian Summer Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Ole produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. The loan papers were signed and an employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at Ole from North Dakota for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from North Dakota State University,?a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" Ole replied, "Vare else in New York City can I park my car for two veeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be dare vhen I return?" His name was Ole. Keep an eye on these North Dakota boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we just got off the lutefisk boat. ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? On the Lighter Side:??Ole & the Penguin Ole was walking down the road with a penguin?when a policeman saw them and approached Ole.? "Take that penguin to the zoo." "Do I have to?" "Take that penguin to the zoo now!" "Oh all righty den". So Ole and the penguin head off to the zoo. The next day the policeman sees Ole and?the penguin going down the same road again?and gets very cross. "I thought I told you to take that?penguin to the zoo." "I did. Yesterday ve vent to da zoo,?today ve're going to da cinema. ...thanks for the joke from Nils in Brumunddal, Norway! ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Family Dynamics ?? A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, ¡°Your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.¡±? ¡°Pop, what are you talking about?¡± the son screams.? ¡°We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,¡± the man says. ¡°Call your sister in Chicago and tell her.¡± And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ¡°Like heck they're getting a divorce. I¡¯ll take care of this!¡± she shouts. She calls her dad and says, ¡°You are NOT getting divorced! Don¡¯t do a single thing until I get there. We¡¯ll both be there tomorrow!¡± and she hangs up.? The man ends the call, smiles and turns to his wife. ¡°Good news! The kids are coming for Easter and paying their own way.¡±? Received from Reddit Clean. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skunk?
----- This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?" ----- Thought Of The Day: Suggest Solutions ¡°It¡¯s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don¡¯t know too much about the problem.¡± ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th. ----- A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. ----- - Paradox, New York ----- So a doctor and a lawyer are having lunch at a local diner.
A woman interrupts their conversation to ask the doctor some sort of medical advice. The doctor tells her what he can then sends her on her way, then turns back to the lawyer. ¡°Man, I get so tired of people bugging me for medical advice,¡± the doctor says. ¡°I never see people do the same with you for legal advice, how do you keep them away?¡±? The lawyer says, ¡°Every time someone asks me for any advice, I just send them a bill. Keeps people away like a charm.¡±? ¡°That¡¯s super smart!¡± the doctor says. ¡°I¡¯m gonna do that!¡±? The next day, the doctor makes up his bills for all the people who asked him for medical advice, and he takes them out to his mailbox. He opens it up, and he finds a bill from the lawyer. Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ By Michael Roizen, M.D. Fatty liver disease, now called MASLD, which stands for Metabolic Dysfunction-Associated Steatotic Liver Disease, is a silent epidemic affecting around 100 million Americans. That means, because of elevated lousy LDL cholesterol, insulin resistance, Type 2 diabetes and/or obesity, a person's liver is laced with excess fat, interfering with its ability to process nutrients, filter toxins, and produce proteins. Although it's initially asymptomatic, MASLD causes fatigue and abdominal discomfort ... ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |
