Daily Clean Jokes for May 11, 2025
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Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ?
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The photographer got a bad rap.
She lacks?focus, boss said.??That is crap.
????????????People didn't agree
????????????With her manager.??He
Shutter?out of a job?in?a?snap.
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Conrad, Bill, and Chris got it.
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Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Quote of the Day:? ?
???? I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.? ~Bob Hope
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Southern Commercials
- Amazon Echo for Southerners
- The Happy Horn
- Grannycast 2000
- Chickaderm
- Dad Comedy Jam
- Bubblixa
- What's For Dinner
- Fuel
- Grandma
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Received from Kirk Miller.
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Pun of the Day:?
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?What was?'s email password? 1forrest1
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A sports car is speeding down the empty highway, the patrol car chases after it. The driver in the sports car decides to use his superior speed to escape since there is no way a cheap police car can catch up to him in his 200.000 Lamborghini. But after a half an hour chase, the police car was still hot on his heels.? Deciding not to risk his life any further, he pulls over. The policeman also walks to his window.
- I¡¯m sorry officer, just excited to get this new car. Won¡¯t happen again.
- I understand. I like speed too. Now this is my last shift so i want to go home and rest, not paperwork so if you can give me a good joke, you can go free.
The man thinks a bit and says:
- My wife ran off with a policeman some time ago before I got this car, when?I saw you at my back, I thought he wanted to give her back.
The policeman laughs and sends him on his way.
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Received from Quora.
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After completing his annual physical on a patient, the doctor asked if there was anything that was bothering him. Joe replied, "Yeah, my hearing."
The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better.
Joe said, "I don't know, the hearing isn't till next Tuesday."
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1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.
5. You chat online regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address.
7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.
9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
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Thought Of The Day:
Time You Enjoy Wasting
¡°Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.¡±
¨D Marthe Troly-Curtin, Phrynette Married?
Received from aJokeADay.com.
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Work Equation
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
God vs. Satan
And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them". And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds.
And God said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."?
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said "You are running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery...
And Satan created HMOs ...
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Showing Property
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"?
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."
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The Last Word from Women
Men are like fine wine...They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Jack Black (when he was a kid) in a tv commercial from 1982, advertising Pitfall for the Atari 2600 ...
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Be Contented
Direct link:?
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Dear Abby: When my first wife and I were in our early 20s, she left me for another man. It was difficult, but I worked through it, learned to trust again and remarried a few years later.This may be hard to believe, but 46 years later, my ex-wife thought it would be a good idea to try to connect through social media. I made the mistake of replying that I didn¡¯t think it was a good idea to connect.
Unfortunately, that response led to her trying to explain why things happened in the past. It seems she didn¡¯t realize that once you dump someone, you forgo the right to be friends, regardless of how long ago it has been.
Please let your readers know that once you divorce, it is over forever, so hopefully they won¡¯t have to deal with this like I have.
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Disappointed in the East
Dear Disappointed:?I am passing along your message. However, some people can¡¯t just move on with their lives after a divorce because they are tied together by their children.
What your first wife may have wanted was forgiveness from you, or help in forgiving herself, but you were not obligated to relieve her of her guilt. I¡¯m glad you have firmly closed that unhappy chapter in your life. Now, go on. Live your life and don¡¯t look back.
Dear Abby: My husband constantly tells me everything I do is wrong. He was in the Army for 23 years. We have been together for five years but married for only 2 1/2 of them.
When I try to cook, he tells me that¡¯s not the way to do it. I used to love cooking, but now I hate it, so I quit trying, although I still cook whenever he¡¯s gone. He is the only one of us with an income, but he said he doesn¡¯t want me working because of my health problems. He had a quadruple bypass six months ago and it changed him for the worse. His recovery was remarkable, but he began drinking. He no longer talks to me ¡ª he yells and argues from the time I get up until I go to bed.
I¡¯m at the end of my rope and not sure what to do. I love him, but I can¡¯t live like this anymore. Please give me some ideas on what to do.
Hurting in S.C.
Dear Hurting:?If your husband¡¯s emotional abuse continues contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and describe what has been going on. Although you love your husband, you may have to decide if you can remain with the status quo.
Dear Readers:?I wish a very Happy Mother¡¯s Day to mothers everywhere ¡ª birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren, as well as dual-role dads. Orchids to all of you for the love you give not only today, but each and every day.
Love, Abby
