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Monday, November 25, 2019

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Today's Clean Limerick:? Take a hike!

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Some limericks that I wrote during a trip? to Rocky Mountain National Park:

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Flattop Mountain's our goal, so we press

'Gainst a blustery wind that's a mess.

??????????? With each bone-chilling blow,

??????????? Every hiker does know

That the wind is a howling success.

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Hiking mountains is something I like.

Near the top, some bad weather does spike.

??????????? We get pelted with hail;

??????????? The wind blows like a gale,

So we say it's a hail of a hike.

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Haiku and Limericks; Kirk Miller

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Quote of the Day:? May I live this day compassionate of heart, clear in word, gracious in awareness, courageous in thought, generous in love. - John O'Donohue

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Today's One-Liner:? A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.

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Quick Joke

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A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

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The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

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Received from Laugh & Lift

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A Race Funny

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A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up.

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"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the minivan driver.

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"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countach replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

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They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

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The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!"

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Received from Mikey's Funnies

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*-- Making A Car --*

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Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself... "so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..."

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"Holy Cow," interrupted his friend, "What did he end up with?"

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And Fred replied, "Two years."

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*-- Q and A Quickies --*

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Q: What has eight legs and goes up and down?

A: A spider in an elevator!

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Q: Why did the Sheriff use a ruler when he questioned the witness?

A: He wanted to get the story straight.

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Q: Why did the kid start a gardening service?

A: He wanted to rake in some cash.

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*-- Reader Comments --*

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Sounds like road rage to me will happen if you snatch their precious phone out of their hands. Florida has a new law that you cannot have a handheld device in your hands while in a school zone or work zone. Needs to be everywhere. And no, I am not doing this in my vehicle. --Harry

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[Harry, thanks for not writing and sending this comment from your phone while operating a motor vehicle. As for the laws...you can make as many laws as you want, people are still going to update their Facebook status, post pictures of their meals, and broadcast unneeded, unwanted, unnecessary opinions. It's as unavoidable as death, taxes, and re-runs of Friends on Nick-at-Nite.]

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Received from The Daily Groaner

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The choir had just come out of rehearsal.

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"Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?"? Mr. Haband asked a fellow choir member, Mrs. Grey.

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"Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to kill time," said Mrs. Grey.

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Mr. Haband nodded, You certainly have a fine weapon."

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Received from Da Mouse Tracks

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The funeral

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There once was a funeral for a woman who had often screamed at her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made their cat and dog crazy with her

explosive temper.

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As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.

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"Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband.

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The occupation

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When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.

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The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

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Calling the vets office

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I telephoned the veterinarian's office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked, "What is the kitten's name?"

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"Demon," I replied.

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"Demon? That's an odd name," she said.

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"Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway."

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I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for 'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?"

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"Yes, it is."

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"You really don't like cats, do you?"

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Received from The Laughing Place

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On the Lighter Side

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Manager:? This advertising idea is great.? It would drag money out of anyone.

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Assistant:? I compiled it from letters my kids sent me during college.

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Punnies

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The barman named his cocktails Elijah, Ezekiel and Obadiah and spent most nights drinking the prophets.

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Why can't you tell an egg a joke?? Because it might crack up.

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Two Words

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First grade teacher: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is 'gross' and the other is 'cool.'"

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Rachel: "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

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Fortune Teller

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A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

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"Ah ..." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

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"That's what you think," the man laughed. "I'm the father of THREE children."

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The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

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AFactADay.com ... President Hoover and the Secret Language

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President Herbert Hoover and his wife Lou Henry spoke their own secret language while they were in the White House. Well, it wasn’t so much a secret language as it was a foreign language. They both were fluent in Chinese and would speak it while in the White House. This was done just in case there were any eavesdroppers looming around.

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Received from aJokeADay.com

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Dumb Instructions

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"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

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"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

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"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

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"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

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"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

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"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

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"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

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"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

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"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

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"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

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"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

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"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

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"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

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"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

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"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

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"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

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Love and Marriage: A Tale

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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. Nearing the final curtain, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

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Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

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Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

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Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

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Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

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The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

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Even More Rules for When You Find Yourself in a Horror Movie

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- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

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- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Arkham (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

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- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten.

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- Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

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- If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

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A New Kind of Car

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Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.

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"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked.

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"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.

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"How was he going to do it?"

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"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

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"So what did he end up with?"

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"Ten years to life."

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Received from ArcaMax Jokes

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Trivia Bits

Ancient Egyptians loved watermelon. We know because watermelons were depicted in Egyptian hieroglyphics, and watermelon seeds have been found in ancient tombs, including King Tut's. Although watermelons originated in the Kalahari Desert region of southern Africa — and the sweet ones we eat today originated in West Africa — they'd reached Egypt at least 5,000 years ago.

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In 2003, watermelon and raspberry replaced which two flavors in the Life Savers Five Flavors roll?

A) Lemon and lime

B) Lime and pineapple

C) Lime and orange

D) Orange and pineapple

Answer:? Watermelon and raspberry replaced lemon and lime in the Life Savers Five Flavors roll.

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What’s on the Web?

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Eavesdropping

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Uhhh Ohhh!!!? What a dirty trick to play on someone.....

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There once was a turkey named Max;

At work, he just couldn't relax.

????????????A reduction in force

????????????At Thanksgiving, of course,

Meant he wasn't laid off, got the axe.

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Limerick by Kirk Miller

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Received from Stan Kegel.

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Annie’s Mailbox

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Dear Annie: My mom is in her 70s. She always has had trouble controlling what comes out of her mouth, but it seems to be getting worse.?

Mom often insults others by making offensive comments or asking rude questions. When they attempt to respond, she laughs in their face. I have heard Dad rebuke her on occasion for this behavior, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. She goes on to offend or tease the next person.?

Mom monopolizes every conversation. She answers every question, even those not directed at her. She chatters nonstop and will not allow for any silence in a conversation. Simply being around her is exhausting.?

I worry that Mom is severely limiting her options in terms of who would be willing to care for her in the future. She is so abrasive that no one wants to be around her. She doesn't seem to realize that the more words she carelessly speaks the greater the likelihood that something regrettable will come out. Is there anything I can do or say to her that might make a difference? -- Can't Think Before Speaking?

Dear Can't: Has your mother had a complete checkup lately? Sometimes these problems are the result of small strokes or other physical or neurological problems. On occasion, troublesome behavior that has been annoying but tolerable becomes less filtered and less controllable over time, especially if there is underlying depression or anxiety. Suggest your mother see her doctor, and offer to go with her so you can discuss this directly. You also can leave a message at the doctor's office with your concerns.?

Dear Annie: This is for the many caring children who are forced by circumstances to place their elderly parents in a nursing home to be cared for by others. When visiting, these children are so heartbroken to hear the parent say over and over, "I want to go home." Please tell them this "home" is most likely the safe, warm feeling of their childhood, or the place where they were in control of their lives.?

My husband and I were fortunate enough to be able to care for his mother in a nice apartment annexed to our main living area. It had sliding doors to the deck and overlooked a quiet tranquil yard. We took our meals with her, and she had plenty of interaction with our family and as much personal care as possible. Yet, the more senility crept in the more she wanted to "go home."?

That feeling of "home" was the one thing we were not able to give her, no matter how hard we tried. -- No Regrets in Watertown, Conn.?

Dear No Regrets: We suspect the need to "go home" reflects the fact that the place in which they are living, whether a care facility, a child's home or any other residence, is foreign and frightening in its unfamiliarity. As dementia proceeds, what is considered familiar can go back a long way, and certainly those places include the warm feeling of childhood or a place where they were in control. What you cannot reproduce is the recognition of where they are and why.?

It sounds as though you did everything possible for your mother-in-law. We're glad you have no regrets. No one should feel guilty for doing the best they can.?

Dear Annie: I read the letter from Concerned Friend with interest. I started biting my nails in the first grade and never could stop despite wanting to. Fifty years later, I was given medication for depression that also contained an anti-anxiety medication. To my amazement, the nail biting stopped, and I've had beautiful nails ever since. -- Prescott, Ariz.?

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Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@..., or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at .

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