Daily Clean Jokes for May 27, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for May 27, 2025 Pun:??Some hospitals have to cut coroners. Quote of the Day:? "Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen."?-- Martin Mull? Today's One-Liner:? Why did the owl make everyone laugh? ¡°Cause he was a hoot! While in college,?I took a telephone-solicitation job in the evenings, starting at six o'clock. On my very first call, I reached a woman who said she was busy, but would call me back later. "I'm so sorry," I said, "but we're not allowed to take incoming calls." "Don't worry, dear," she replied. "Just give me your home phone number and the time you have dinner." - submitted to Reader's Digest by Ellen Schneider ? My thick Southern accent?is often a source of miscommunication. One night while driving through base housing, I saw four skunks crossing the road. The next day I told my supervisor what I saw.? "So did you get Tom Hanks's autograph?" he asked.? "Excuse me?" I said, puzzled. "Didn't you say you saw Forrest Gump in base housing last night?"? -- Eric Grubbs Provided Courtesy of Reader's Digest Humor in Uniform.? "I always turn to the sports page first. The sports page records people's accomplishments; the front page nothing but man's failure."?-- Chief Justice Earl Warren --- ? "Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects?in other people's characters."??-- Margaret Halsey --- ? "It's the tragedy of the world that no one knows what he doesn't know -- and the less a man knows, the more sure he is that he knows everything."?-- Joyce Cary ----- When the icemaker?in our new refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the store to arrange for repairs. Because the sun was bright, my husband's eyes hadn't adjusted to the dim light inside in time to see a woman sitting on the floor examining carpet samples. He stepped on her leg and she screamed, causing him to jump into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction. Unnerved, my husband stumbled over to?the service desk, and as he went to rest his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl full of little mints, scattering them everywhere. After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn't work." "I don't doubt it," she replied. *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------* Irving?goes into a?restaurant?and orders potato latkes. When they come, he complains that they do not look good and he changes his order to blintzes. After he eats the blintzes, he stands up and starts to leave the restaurant. "Wait a second," the manager shouts after him. "You have not paid for your blintzes." "What are you talking about?" Irving says. "Those blintzes were an even exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for them." "Yes," says the manager, "but you did not pay for the latkes either." "Why should I pay for them?" asks Irving. "I didn't eat them." Above three received from Clean Laffs ? Seaside Hotel A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows." Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth and Good Clean Fun ? Winner, Winner? Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked. "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!" "Really? How'd you do that?" "I dropped the ball." ----- Ah, to travel! As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess.? "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece." Above two received from Steve's Just for Grins ? Some?friends?were hoping their second child would be a girl, and they even had a name picked out. The ultrasound didn't reveal the baby's sex, though, and since the expectant father had orders from the Navy to ship out before the due date, he told his wife, "We'd better pick out a boy's name, just in case." But when it was time for him to report for duty, they still hadn't decided. At sea a few weeks later, he got notification that his son, Justin Kase, had been born. Received from Modern Military Review ? "Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands." ?????????????????? --Ambrose Bierce ECONOMIC STIMULUS PAYMENT EXPLAINED Q.?What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q.?Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q.?So the government is giving me back my own money? A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are expected to repay the Chinese. Q.?What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q.?But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Oh, Shut up. Above three received from Teddi's Humor? God's Problem Now The graveside service had barely ended when there was a tremendous clap of thunder accompanied by a huge distant lightning bolt, followed by more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,?¡°Well, she's there.¡± Received from LeRoy Little Angel? Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. Johnny asked his mom, ¡°Where¡¯d he come from?¡± ¡°He came from heaven, Johnny.¡± ¡°Wow! I can see why they threw him out!¡± This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved. Received from Beliefnet.com.? BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them. ? A Crazy Test Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient. "Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub." "I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest." "No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug." Received from Josh Roberts and GCFL. ? q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y? ¡°A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don¡¯t have a J.O.B.¡±?-- Fats Domino ? ----- ? ?¡°The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it.¡±?-- Laurence J. Peter ? ----- ? ?¡°Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it¡¯s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.¡±?-- Ellen DeGeneres b i t s . n . b o b s --------------------- Late Show Top Ten Top Ten White House Excuses 10. Do you want an excuse for scaring thousands of people or for wasting tax dollars on a brochure 9. Air Force One also acts as 1010 WINS¡¯ ¡°Traffic Eye In The Sky¡± 8. Huh? 7. Trump had to get to Florida for the Mar-a-Lago golf tournament 6. If we don¡¯t photograph the president¡¯s plane over the Statue of Liberty, who will know what the president¡¯s plane looks like over the Statue of Liberty?? 5. It¡¯s Biden's fault 4. You¡¯ve been Donald?! 3. Maybe the Statue of Liberty was too close to us 2. C¡¯mon, let¡¯s just be cool about it¡ everybody stay cool ¡ we¡¯re cool, right?? 1. Covid made us crazy Received from The Mouthpiece ? Daily Trivia Question:?A 'roman ¨¤ clef' is a type of what? Answer:?Novel ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ MOTHER OF GROOM MAKES BIG TROUBLE FOR SMALL WEDDING DEAR ABBY:?I need some advice -- fast! My daughter, "Julie," is being married in July to a wonderful young man I'll call "Denny," who is also an only child. Julie and Denny planned a small, intimate wedding with close friends and family to be held in our prize-winning flower garden. The guest list was limited to 50, so my sister is catering the happy day. Now, suddenly, Denny's mother bought another 200 invitations and mailed them out! At last count, we have 180 guests! I thought the guest list was up to the bride and groom. Not only is there not enough room in our garden, but no parking! We live in a small, gated community, and our covenants do not allow for that many cars. Must we find another venue for the wedding or can we tell mom-in-law-to-be she was out of line??-- FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW DEAR FUTURE M.I.L.:?What Denny's mother did was extremely presumptuous. However, this is not your problem, so please don't make it so. Inform Denny's mother that entertaining more than 50 wedding guests on your property is forbidden by the codes, covenants and restrictions in your community and that she must now call every one of the guests she invited and rescind the invitation. Then alert the security personnel that only those on the original guest list are to be admitted. Please understand that you and your daughter have my deepest sympathy, because this is only the opening salvo in the power struggle that's to come with this nervy woman -- so be prepared. DEAR ABBY:?I am worried about our little ones who hear bad language on a daily basis. How is that going to go over when they reach school age? I'll give you an example. My 3-year-old great-grandson called his mother a "dork." When I commented that he must have learned that at child care, she said, "No, he heard it from me." I was appalled. Then there was the adorable, precocious 2-year-old who said, "Oh, #@*%!" when I dropped something. I looked at her grandmother, who informed me that the little girl hears it from her other grandma all the time. How can the parents of these precious little children allow this to happen? How do you think it will go over when they call their teacher a "dork" or use expletives in the classroom and on the playground??-- RED-FACED GRAMMA, McHENRY, ILL. DEAR GRAMMA:?For better or worse, children model their behavior on what they hear at home. You can't blame children for not knowing what they haven't been taught. But I can tell you this, no teachers worth their salt will allow a student to be disrespectful in the classroom and let it go. And the person who will suffer is the student. ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as?Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline?Phillips. Write ABBY at??or P.O. Box??69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. Copyright 2008 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.?Feel free to forward this, in its entirety, to others.? ? Give?us a sense of humor, Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk??...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen. To SUBSCRIBE:?dailycleanjokes-subscribe@... ? To UNSUBSCRIBE: Reply to this e-mail with?dailycleanjokes-unsubscribe@... ? 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