Daily Clean Jokes for May 13, 2025? ?
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Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ?
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Star Wars?sound track is monumental.
It has passages strong and gentle.
????????????Like the music he wrote,
????????????I would just like to note
That John Williams was?instrumental.
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Dick, Conrad, Bill, Jim, Chris got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk Miller
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Quote of the Day:? ?
???? My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,?people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol
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Today's One-Liner:? ?
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*? The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
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Pun of the Day:?
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?Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
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A Symphony Funny
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.
Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.
The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"?
>>>Today's Thot
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...so she hugged me.??
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Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies.
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Bob Hope's witNo one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.
I can still chase women, only downhill.
It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
From AZquotes.com,?Wayne Onaka?via GCFL.
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?What do you call a cat sleeping in your shoe?
Puss in Boots
What happens to a cat who misbehaves at work? They have to report to Purr-sonnel.
What did the gym coach say to the cat? Have you paid your annual fleas?
Why do cats purr? A: To let you know they¡¯re feline groovy.
Submitted to Reader's Digest?
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?-Have you heard of Murphy's Law
-Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong
-What's about Cole's law?
-No
-It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream
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The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
Librarian: "They're right behind you!!".
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What happened to the man running in front of the car?
--He was tired
What happened to the man running behind the car?
--He was exhausted
Received from Reddit Clean.
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Thought Of The Day:
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Received from Humorous Thought of the Day.
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"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I said.
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On day when returning home from work my wife proceeded to tell me that she had been called into the principal's office because of the things OUR SON had done at school that day.
We agreed that he should be disciplined the same was I was disciplined when I was his age: being sent to my room without supper.
But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player. So what is a parent to do in this day and age?
We sent him to MY room!
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Thought Of The Day:??Playing With Fire
¡°Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.¡±
¨D Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City
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Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to put it in at 350," I said.
"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]
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Time is Relative
A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early 80's model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
Suggestions
Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3 x 5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.
Joe wrote: "The office workers should all be given raises!"
When he looked at Frank's card, it said: "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?"?
Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."
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The Inevitable Laws of Work
1. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
3. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. It doesn't matter what you do. It only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
5. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
6. The more you put up with, the more you are going to get.
7. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
8. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.?
9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
10. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.
11. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
12. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
13. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
14. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
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A Scot returned home to Glasgow after a trip down south to London. He complained to his friend the Londoners were so rude. "They kept banging on the door, knocking on the ceiling, hammering on the floor, at three o'clock in the morning."
"Aye, and what did you do?" asked his friend.
"Och, I kept right on playing me bagpipes."
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Original Airdate: November 09th, 1978
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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If you're not controlling your blood pressure, weight, blood sugar and/or cholesterol levels, and don't get enough sleep, exercise, or have time with your posse and a sense of purpose, you've come up with a formula for some serious age-related brain diseases. Other habits that contribute to brain-dimming diseases include excess alcohol and smoking.
That's the conclusion of research published in Neurology, Neurosurgery and Psychiatry that found that at least 60% of strokes, 40% of ...
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DEAR ABBY: The woman I've been married to for the last 10 years is spending her time away from home. She isn't seeing another man or hanging out in bars. She leaves at any time of the day and goes to the casino. She also plays online throughout the day or evening. She stays out all night until sometimes 8 or 9 o'clock the next morning.
I have tried talking to her calmly -- and I've tried the angry way, too. I've gotten nowhere about this issue. I believe she's being disrespectful, which will lead to the end of our marriage. How can I get through to her that what she's doing isn't good for our relationship? I'm very close to saying "Enough!" and it's time for us to go our separate ways. -- FRUSTRATED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR FRUSTRATED: If what your wife is doing affects the financial stability of your marriage, you absolutely have to draw the line. From your description of her activities, your wife is addicted to the rush she gets from gambling. Suggest that she join Gamblers Anonymous for help, and you should explore a support group called Gam-Anon for yourself. However, if that doesn't help, consult an attorney and tell your wife that if she doesn't seek help, you will be forced to separate your finances, even if it means ending the marriage.
DEAR ABBY: My sister has stopped communicating with my parents and me. However, she still maintains contact with members of our extended family. What's strange is that none of us is sure what we did to cause this. We have asked her to share her side of the story, but her reasons keep changing. Sometimes, she says it's because I'm spoiled and get everything; other times, it's because Mom didn't praise her enough. As for Dad, we're not sure why she's upset with him. He's a quiet person who mostly keeps to himself.
At first, I didn't let this bother me much, but as time goes on, I'm starting to feel really upset. Our parents are getting older and could use some support, or at least a friendly conversation. Do you think I'll ever be able to let go of my anger, or will it linger until my parents are no longer with us? -- BAFFLED BROTHER IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR BROTHER: Accept that you can't change your sister. After your parents are gone and it is too late to make amends, your sister may feel guilty for her unwillingness to mend fences with them over their perceived slights. Family counseling might facilitate some healing, but only if everyone is willing to participate.
As to your anger over your sister's behavior, it may take a session or two with a licensed psychotherapist to move beyond it. In the meantime, do the best you can to ensure that your parents know you love them and are grateful for all they have done for you.
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You Can Never Lead From A Stuck Place
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