Daily Clean Jokes for May 5, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for May 5, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? There once was a man from Nantucket, ? ? ?-- As seen in Reader's Digest ?? ? ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:? ? "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."? ~Groucho Marx
? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ? What do you call a hippie¡¯s wife? Mississippi. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Puns of the Day:? ? 1. To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing. 2. What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? YESTERDAY (Sung to the tune of the Beatles' song "Yesterday") Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. -- Author Unknown Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?Mom and Daughter Walk ? ? Received from Reels. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? On the Lighter Side? ? ?When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said: "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said: " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said: "We should be the Boss because we do all the work earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! The moral of the story:?You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? I've decided to start a new chapter in my life. Otherwise, this autobiography will never get finished. ---- There's a new sport where you jump out of an airplane with out?a parachute ... ... It's called sky-dying.? ? Received from Reddit Clean. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Little Johnny, on recess, was carrying a car door while playing outside with his buddies on a very hot day. ----- I¡¯ve started growing herbs in my garden. ----- Thought Of The Day: Good and Original ¡°My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. ¡± ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ An elderly woman had three grown-up sons who each decided to give her a special gift for her milestone birthday. The first son, who had become very successful in life, bought his mother a magnificent, spacious house. The second son, wanting to impress, gifted her a luxurious car. The third son, knowing how deeply religious his mother was, searched tirelessly for the perfect gift. After much effort, he discovered an extraordinarily rare parrot that could recite the entire Bible and interpret its prophecies. The only catch was that the bird was in Madagascar and came with an astronomical price tag. Determined to make his mother happy, the third son sold his house and car to afford the journey and purchase the parrot. Some time later, the elderly woman wrote to her sons to thank them. To her first son, she wrote: "Thank you for the beautiful house, my dear. It¡¯s truly wonderful, but it¡¯s far too big for me. I hope you won¡¯t mind, but I¡¯m planning to sell it and move into a cozy little bungalow instead." To her second son, she penned a similar note: "The car is absolutely stunning, but it¡¯s much too large for my needs. I¡¯m going to trade it in for something smaller and more practical." Finally, to her third son, she wrote: "Ah, you truly understood what means the most to me. Thank you so much for the chicken¡ªit was delicious!" ----- ?Auction JokeOne day, a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more then he intended, he won the bid- the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, ¡° I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out it can¡¯t talk!¡± ¡°Don¡¯t worry,¡± said the auctioneer, ¡°He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?¡± ----- "A Fitting Punishment" jokeMr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.? Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.? Mrs. Jones is first. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings." ?"Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. ?Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."? "Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.? Then comes Mr. Jones himself. "What do you wish for yourself?"? "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?" "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."? "I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."? The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"? "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back." ----- In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?" The doctor explained, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used." ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ DOCTOR, DOCTOR ... Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. Well pull yourself together then. Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me. Next please! Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me. One at a time please. Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible. Who said that? Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll?of film! Hmmmm ... Let's hope nothing develops. Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off. Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory! When did this happen? When did what happen? Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later. Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what?should I do? Use a pencil 'till I get there. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ COMPUTER NOVICES Computer novices may feel like they're alone these?days, but the following call to IBM's help center show?there are plenty of people out there who still are?inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial?number, he scanned a database of registered users and?responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked?and said she'd be right back. When the customer?returned, the technician asked if she was all right.?The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see?me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quick Quotes "I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The?person who answered said, Bob's on vacation. Would you?like to hold?" Received from Arcamax - Jokes ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out?a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature?person. "How does that thing work?" she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my?sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You?have to twist his arm to get anything out of him." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The businessman dragged himself home and barely made?it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool?drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a?hard day today. What happened to make you so?exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer?broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking." Received from: Net 153's Sunday Funnies ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ TWO ALLIGATORS Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.?The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't?understand how you can be so much bigger than me.?We're the same age, we were the same size as kids.?I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to?unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the?crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your?problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the?crap out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but lips?and a briefcase." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ SLIPUP Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray,?the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was?X-Ray'd instead. "Oh, no!? cried the lab technician." Your reproductive?organs just received a dose of radiation!" "What does that mean?" asked the worried young man. "It's serious," replied the technician.? "All your?children will be lawyers!" Received from: Laughter the Best Medicine ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ IN A PARISH A special parish priest makes a special point to include children in homilies. One Sunday morning, he began with the question: 'Who can tell me the three R's?' One child raised his hand and proceeded to rattle them off. 'Reduce, Reuse, Recycle,' he said proudly. -- Liane Rausch Received from: Syman Says ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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