开云体育

Received from GCFL.

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?Foul Suspicion

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

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Survey Results

I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

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Ancient Bookplate

Steale not this boke for fear of shame?

For here you see ye owner hys name?

And when you die ye Lord will saye?

Where is that boke you stole away?

Then if you say, you cannot telle,

Ye Lord will saye, then go to helle.

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Received from Pastor Tim's Cybersalt Digest.

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?Received from Phyllis Ingram.

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Received from Good Headlines.

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When I became a licensed chiropractor, I moved back to my hometown and soon had a thriving practice. One morning I saw a new patient whom I recognized as my old high school principal.

"Gee," I said nervously, "I’m a little surprised to see you here."

"Why?" he replied. "You certainly spent a great deal of time in my office."

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Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

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Thought Of The Day:

Be A Rainbow

“Try to be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.”

— Maya Angelou

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Received from aJokeADay.com.

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A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

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A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal."

The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots."

Then the bartender says, "I was talking to the parrot!"

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Jimmy Piersall, on how to diaper a baby:

"Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond, with you at bat.

Then, fold second-base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound.

Put first-base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together.

Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call-the-game and start all over again."

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David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road because even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap.

He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.

"And this one's even better because it locks."

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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Jon talks about working on The Odyssey, playing The Punisher, working with Tom Holland while he was auditioning for Spider-Man, The Accountant 2 with Ben Affleck, being a huge Waylon Jennings fan and meeting Willie Nelson.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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By Michael Roizen, M.D.

About one out of every eight adults in the U.S. has taken a GLP-1 medication, such as Trulicity, Ozempic, Rybelsus or Mounjaro -- and half of them are still on the meds. They use them to lose weight, manage the risk of heart disease, and/or control Type 2 diabetes. GLP-1s do all that by mimicking a hormone that your small intestine makes to stimulate the release of insulin from the pancreas, block blood-sugar-raising glucagon, and slow stomach emptying.

The ability to lose weight, ...

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DEAR ABBY: My friend "Alma" has a handicapped parking permit. I never asked her why she has it. We regularly go for long walks, and she seems perfectly able-bodied. Alma did share with me once that she got the tag after an accident left her with some intermittent long-term pain. She said most days she doesn't need the accessible parking and doesn't use it, but that when her pain flares up, it's helpful to be able to utilize a handicapped parking space. However, I have been with Alma in situations where there is limited parking and she suggests using a handicapped space. I'm uncomfortable taking a space away from someone who may need it, but also uncomfortable questioning whether Alma needs it or if it's just for convenience. What is the proper etiquette here? -- EMPATHETIC IN TEXAS DEAR EMPATHETIC: The proper etiquette would be to tell your friend Alma (with a smile) that unless she's having pain that day, you would prefer to park a little farther away in a regular parking spot.

DEAR ABBY: I have a set of Chippendale-style dining chairs that are more than 100 years old. They are of sentimental value to me because I grew up with them. Recently, at considerable expense, I had them repaired and reupholstered. My husband's son-in-law, "Isaac," whom I love very much, weighs between 450 and 500 pounds. When the family is dining, he uses one of the chairs. They are not intended to hold such weight. My husband and I agree that we should buy a heavy-duty chair that can accommodate Isaac's weight. However, I don't know how to convey to Isaac that the new chair is for him without causing offense or hurt feelings. Do you have a suggestion? -- TREADING LIGHTLY DEAR TREADING: Your husband should explain the potential problem to his daughter so she can point out to her husband that a special dining room chair has been acquired for him to use at family dinners.

DEAR ABBY: My son works two jobs and takes college classes. His deadbeat girlfriend doesn't work. They broke up briefly, and she moved in with another guy, but he refused to support her, so she got back with my son again. She knows I have her number, so we do not get along, which puts a strain on my relationship with my son. He deserves a better life partner, but he doesn't see it that way. Is there anything I can do to wake him up? -- PLAIN AS DAY IN WASHINGTON DEAR PLAIN: Your son is young and hasn't had time to gain much experience about romantic relationships. If he didn't pick up on the fact that his girlfriend left him because she thought she had found another meal ticket, and that she returned only when the guy refused to support her, nothing you can say (that you haven't already said, I'm sure) will dissuade him from having to learn a painful lesson on his own.

Received from Dear Abby.

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Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

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