Daily Clean JOKES for March 6, 2025
Kirk's Limerick
Plant horse chestnut trees through ambulation
All across the U.S.??Forestation
????????????Ought to be the result.
????????????After years, I'll exult.
I am planning to?conker?the?nation.
?
Note: a conker is a horse chestnut
Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Very Punny
I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick ... She's still not talking to me ...
My friend keeps saying "Cheer up, Man; it could be worse.??
You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water ... I know means well.
What do you call a belt made out of hundred-dollar bills?? A waist of money.
A friend said she didn't understand cloning ... I told her that makes two of us.
What's Irish and stays outside all year?? Patty O'Furniture.
Have you ever tried eating a clock???
It's really time consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
What do you call a bullet-proof Irishman?? Rick O'Shea
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree.??
Upon arrival he started to swing at the tree when it shouted, "Wait!? I'm a talking tree!"??
The lumberjack grinned and said, "And you will dialogue."
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.? It's impossible to put down!?
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.? He just can't part with it.
Yesterday I?saw an ad that said, 'Radio for Sale, $1, volume stuck on full.'
I thought, 'I can't turn that down.
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00.??
It is $2.50 in the Bahamas.??
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help.
But I stand corrected.
What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married?? Cantelope.
I went to McDonald's today and ate a Kid's Meal.? It was good, but his mom was furious ...
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye.? I always thought she was seeing someone on the side.
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.? I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.
What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?? I don't know and I don't care.
Thief steals wheels off police car!? Cops work tirelessly to nab suspect.
Received from Kirk Miller.
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A Door Funny
Janice, my sister, had been pestering her husband, a carpenter, for more than a decade to build a screen door for the kitchen.
One day, to her delight, he built and installed one in less than two hours. It was both practical and pretty. She glanced towards the front door and wistfully remarked that one would look good there, as well.
"Are you kidding?" he gasped. "You can't just whip these things up, you know. It takes ten years to build a door like this."
>>>Today's Thot
Money can't buy everything...but then again neither can no money.
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A Confession Funny
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish.?
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here.? I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He
had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.
"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and
I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I
had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.
>>>Today's Thot
I may look busy, but I'm just confused.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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How To Spell PotatoIf GH is pronounced P as in hiccough...
If OUGH is pronounced O as in dough...
If PHTH is pronounced T as in Phthisis...
If EIGH is pronounced A as in Neighbor...
If TTE is pronounced T as in Gazette...
If EAU is pronounced O as in Plateau...
Then POTATO could be spelled GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU.
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No Good DeedNo good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the roof on my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all over my shirt, my pants, even my hair.
Hearing the thud, Dad looked up. "What happened?"
I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a second time.
"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
Received from GCFL,
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1. ARBITRAITOR ?
??A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
? 2. BERNADETTE
? The act of torching a mortgage.
? 3. BURGLARIZE
? What a crook sees through.
?
? 4. AVOIDABLE
? What a bullfighter tries to do.
? 5. COUNTERFEITER
? Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
? 6. LEFT BANK
? What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
? 7. HEROES
? What a man in a boat does.
? 8. PARASITES
? What you see from the Eiffel Tower.
? 9. PARADOX
? Two physicians.
? 10. PHARMACIST
? A helper on a farm.
? 11. RELIEF
? What trees do in the spring.
? 12. RUBBERNECK
? What you do to relax your wife.
? 13. SELFISH
? What the owner of a seafood store does.
? 14. SUDAFED
? Brought litigation against a government official.
15.??HUMANIZE. what a person sees with.??
Received with thanks from Phyllis Ingram.
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The Marx Bros seldom spoke of their embarrassing cousin...
Skid Marx. -----
Harold and Jack are about to rob a bank. Harold says, "All right, Jack, now here's what to do: go into that bank with this gun and this bag, hold the gun on the teller and tell her to put all of the money in the bag, then run back out before the cops show up. Meanwhile, I'll be out here in the car, taking all the chances."
Jack says, "Now wait just a minute, Harold, If I'm the one running in there with the gun and the bag, getting the money and running back out before the cops show up, how are you the one taking all the chances?"
Harold replies, "Because I can't drive." ----- Thought Of The Day: Death Is Number Two “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
- Jerry Seinfeld Received from aJokeADay.
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My housecat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't enlist because he would have to be "de-furred."
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Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.
Apparently, that sound was "Uh oh."
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What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
Lumpy milkshakes!
What is the definition of a goose?
An animal that grows down as it grows up!
Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep?
She had a crook with her!
What do you give a pony with a cold?
Cough Stirrup!
What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on?
A horse!
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My housecat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't enlist because he would have to be "de-furred."
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ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM = I Blame Microsoft
DEC = Do Expect Cuts
CA = Constant Acquisitions
CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
SCSI = System Can't See It
DOS = Defunct Operating System
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A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
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- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two ...
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"Hard drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.
...
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Dick Cavett is joined by legendary actors Ian McKellen, Kirk Douglas, Marlon Brando, James Earl Jones, and Richard Harris.
Jeremy Toogood reads Red Gauntlet for A Book At Bedtime. Unfortunately, he can't read. Neither can the rest of the crew. Clips pulled together from episode 38 of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
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Jesse Welles performing at Farm Aid 2024 in Saratoga Springs, New York. (Gary Miller/Getty Images)
Along with walking the dog and turning off cable news, music has been keeping me sane during Elon Musk’s flaming Cybertruck of a presidency.
I’ve been returning to old favorites, like Elvis Costello and The Smiths—and discovering new favorites, like Jesse Welles.
The 30-year-old singer/songwriter from Arkansas has been compared to Bob Dylan, Pete Seeger, and Woody Guthrie. When you listen to his music, you’ll understand why.
He’s been building a major following lately with protest songs that are topical, catchy, and funny. Check out this recent one, “The Inauguration.”
And he did a great cover version of this Creedence classic:
If you want to hear more of Welles’s songs, go to??and?.
Also keeping me sane: the good people at??now have a free cartoon newsletter! You can sign up for it?.
TBR Question of the Day: What’s been keeping you sane during this shitshow? Leave your suggestions below:
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By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D.
Winter can be hazardous. TThe Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that, in one year, there were more than 20,000 work-related slips and falls involving ice, sleet or snow that required at least one day away from work. And snowy, slushy, icy roadways cause more than 116,000 injuries annually. Plus, a Canadian study found that if guys are shoveling a 7-to-8-inch snowfall, their risk of going to the hospital with a heart attack rises 16% and the risk of dying from that heart attack jumps 34%.
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DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with someone for 11 months. We're both each other's first relationship after being single for a few years following traumatic breakups. During our entire relationship, he has not cut his hair, left his house or socialized with anyone besides me, except via text. He doesn't visit me, but he always leaves his door open for me. We have discussed going out, but he always finds a reason to stay inside. After a while, I realized they were just excuses. He claims to be fine, but his mother and I are worried. She told me he became this way after his breakup and COVID. My boyfriend always seems happy around me and states that he wants to marry and have children. He also says "I love you" and expresses his desire to be with me. His social media shows a completely different man, but it was all prior to his breakup. What should I do? -- DISCOURAGED IN MICHIGAN DEAR DISCOURAGED: Because this man was a different person before his breakup and the COVID pandemic, and his mother is also worried about him, speak up. People who lose interest in things they used to do and no longer groom themselves may be suffering from depression, which his doctor could help him with. Make it clear to your reclusive boyfriend that you have been patient for almost a year now, and if he wants to continue having a relationship with you, he must consult a licensed mental health professional about his fear of leaving his house. Without professional help, he won't get better, and this could become your life as well.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's friends and their son came to spend the weekend at our new camper with us. We asked their son repeatedly in front of his parents not to do damaging things. After the weekend, at my husband's urging, I texted the woman about his behavior. When her husband texted mine about it, my husband didn't back me up. My daughter told me she heard him tell the man on the phone that it was all me, and that they were welcome back when I was on vacation. I was furious. That was three years ago, and my husband still hangs out with them. He has asked me to apologize so we can all be friends again. Am I wrong for demanding he tell the truth, that he wanted that text written, that he lied and it was NOT "just me"? I want him to back me up as he should have. -- TICKED-OFF WIFE DEAR WIFE: Face it. Your husband set you up and then chickened out. Where he should have a backbone, it appears he has a wet noodle. You are not wrong for wanting him to fess up, but don't expect it to happen. On this subject, your husband is more interested in pacifying his buddy than what your feelings about it may be. You have my sympathy. |
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