Kirk's Limerick
Audiologist was quite precise:
Get a hearing aid; that's the device
????????????That will end hearing strife.
????????????In agreement, my wife
Said she thought that it was?sound?advice.
?
Chris and Jim got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
My uncle Jubal would have an absolute hissy fit whenever aunt Cora forgot to make toast for his breakfast.??He was extremely lack toast intolerant.
?
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
?
When the drill bit was invented, it was a real turning point.
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The traffic was so heavy that the cardiologist decided to take a by-pass.
?
My wife is such a hypochondriac.??I get sick just thinking about it.
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Aw, Man: Columbia Student Just Graduated With DEI Degree
NEW YORK CITY ¡ª Prospects have dimmed considerably for local woman Violet Weber, who just graduated in December from Columbia with a degree in Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Studies.
With DEI programs being abolished across the country, the outlook for people trained to root out neo-colonial white power structures has never been worse.
"Really, really poor timing here," sighed Weber as she filled out another Wendy's application. "There's just no one interested any more in learning how to be less white and more gay. It was such good business in 2021."
After spending four years and $250,000 earning her degree, Weber nearly landed a job learning how to make pickles for a local pickler, but was ultimately beat out by a hobo who had more business experience. "It's been so disheartening," said Weber. "I offered to help make their pickles more queer-friendly, but the guy just stared at me. He seemed totally uninterested in a business-wide evaluation of how his three employees could dismantle the colonialism inherent in the pickling business. Such a loss."
At publishing time, Weber had been spotted out on the street corner holding a sign reading "Will call you racist for food."
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Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your PeaceAt a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Everything quickly turned to chaos when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front.
Everybody was surprised, shocked, and the bride even fainted. The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say.
The woman replied, "Sorry. We can't hear in the back."
Received from Steve Sanderson via GCFL.
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A Plow Funny
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost
zero when John (not the sharpest pencil in the batch) got off work.
He made his way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He
sat in his car while it warmed up and thought about his situation.
He finally remembered his dad's advice that if he got caught in a blizzard
he should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way he would
not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made him feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow
went by and he started to follow it.
As he followed the snow plow, he was feeling very smug as they continued and
he was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, he was somewhat surprised when the snow plow
stopped and the driver got out and came back to his car and signaled for him
to roll down his window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if he was all right as he had been
following him for a long time.
John said that he was fine and told him of his dad's advice to follow a snow
plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and he could continue if he
wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to
Target next.
>>>Today's Thot
I know I've been putting on weight, but there's been a lot on my plate.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!
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The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she announced. "One of the things we should be happy about is, in this country we are all free."
Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, "I'm not free. I'm four!"
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Thought Of The Day:??We Must Be Free
"We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it." -- William Faulkner
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Owl I Know Where This Is Going?
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When the drill bit was invented, it was a real turning point.?
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The drill bit nomenclature has at its root,A chisel point, a relief angle, and a flute.
? ? ?But to those not inclined,
? ? ?With a mechanical mind,?
I¡¯ll bet that they don¡¯t give a holey hoot.
?
Guy Ben-Moshe
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The indifferent owl didn't give a hoot either!
Jim
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If Jim's owl was a rescue bird would the person giving it care be a ?- hooti'n ?nanny ?
?
GR
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And if Gary's owl-rescuing nanny went out for a gourmet meal, would it be hoot cuisine?
?
Jim
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I think I know where we are going with this, so, if my hearing aids are tuned to the frequency of an owl are they hoot ears.?
?
GR
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I believe Miss Oakley owned an owl. Hoot 'n Annie
Here I am One Sagan
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A thief tricked Annie Oakley into leaving her pet owl unattended for a short period, during which time he stole the poor critter. I guess you'd say that she was hootwinked.
Jim
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Well, I guess owl's well that ends well.
Jim
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Do Cockney wolves 'owl at the moon?
Here I am One Sagan
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And then they check in at an 'owliday Inn.
Jim Ertner
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A?group of owls is a parliament. The dominant owl in the?parliament is the owligarch.
Here I am One Sagan
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What do you call an escaped owl?
Hoooodini.
Jim Ertner
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I read that a great dishwashing machine is made in T¨¹rkiye.
T¨¹rkiye has always been tough on Greece.
Guy B-M
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Speaking of Greece ...?
Who had the foulest mouth in ancient Greece?
Sparta-cuss.
Jim Ertner
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Dishwasher ...
Someone who ruins your hopes and dreams is a wishdasher.
Here I am One Sagan
Received one-at-a-time from Kirk Miller.
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- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
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A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
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Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. "Now that you're over 40," the doctor told him, "you've developed a condition called 'presbyopia,' in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to."
Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. "Congratulations!" he said. "You're now officially a ...
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My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I ...
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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It's time to get HONEST about Sonic the Hedgehog 3! It's...good? I guess we should stop being surprised at this point, the age of crappy video game movies is over, the age of above average fan-service has begun! Shadow for president! Jim Carrey for emperor!
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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?
Half a million Americans will be diagnosed with dementia this year. That represents a 42% jump in the risk that someone age 55 or older will develop the life-altering condition. In fact, an NIH-sponsored study in Nature Medicine reveals that half of all adults in the U.S. will experience cognition problems after age 55. And by 2060, there will be a million new cases of dementia a year.
Clearly, it's time to launch a whole-hearted battle against cognition problems and dementia.
...
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