Daily Clean Jokes for February 5, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for February 5, 2025? ? ? Today's Clean Pun:???Grammar walks into a Bar ? Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves. ? A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave. A Question mark walks into a bar? ? Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar. A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink. ? The bar was walked into by the passive voice. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. ? A synonym ambles into a pub. A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink. ? A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything. A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty. ? Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapsed to the bar floor. A group of homophones wok inn two a bar. ? ? Quote of the Day:???WHO SAID IT? ? QUOTE:??"The problems of puzzles are very near the problems of life." ? ANSWER:??Erno Rubik. ? RANDOM TIDBITS ? A Hungarian by the name of Erno Rubik invented the Cube in the spring of 1974. He created it as a working model to help explain three-dimensional geometry, and this led to the creation of the world's best selling toy. ? At the peak of the Rubik's Cube craze, an estimated one-fifth of the world's population had played the Cube. ? Rubikcubism is an avant-garde artistic movement in which Rubik's cubes are used as a medium to create art. ? In May 2007, Thibaut Jacquinot of France became the first person to complete the Cube in less than 10 seconds in open competition. Erik Akkersdijik set the current world record for a single solve at the 2008 Czech Open with a time of 7.08 seconds. ? In 1981, a seven-year-old Norwegian boy named Lars-Erik Anderson was one of the youngest Cube solvers. ? Initially, Rubik considered variations of a 2 x 2 x 2 in cube, but concluded that the simplest and most workable model was the 3 x 3 x 3 in cube. ? ? Today's One-Liner:???Warning:??You are entering a Redneck Area ... You may encounter American flags, American citizens, the Lord's Prayer and Country Music.??Travel at your own risk. ? ? Things a true Southerner knows: ? - The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit. - Pretty much how many fish make up a mess. - What general direction cattywumpus is. - That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar. - When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long. - Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits!! - A good dog is worth its weight in gold. - Real gravy don't come from the store. - When "by and by" is. - Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. - A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up. - Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers. - Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons. ? Received from Laugh & Lift ? ? Clean Laffs ? Good morning crew, ? Does nothing last? Is nothing permanent? How can a man feel secure in his place in the universe if everything around him is ephemeral? ? Today we had a new company picture taken (if you check??it might even be up already), so yesterday I went to get a haircut so I don't look like some kind of shaggy hippie on the company website. ? Now, I go to this one place in particular because I know there are two girls there who know how to cut my hair the way I like it. I know this because I spent years going from place to place until I found a stylist I could actually trust around my head with a pair of scissors. ? I have been going there for three or four years now, so I have even been able to coach a second girl to cut my hair correctly. But when I went there yesterday what did I discover? Both girls left. Both! ? So, in keeping with my history of bad decision making I let one of the new girls attack my head with, I don't know what she was using...pruning shears or something, and she delivered a catastrophe of truly nightmarish proportions. ? I look like a Picasso painting. It's just not fair. ? Hair stylists should be like doctors; you should have your own and if he or she leaves you they should have to provide you with references. ? Oh, and I should be able to sue for malpractice when I get a bad haircut. ? Laugh it up, ? Joe ? ----- ? "Year, (noun) A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."?-- Ambrose Bierce's DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ? "Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."?-- Mark Twain ? "A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled."?-- Barnett Cocks ? ----- ? Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler, but not being sure of the hotel rules I stopped at the door and asked the maid, "Can we drink beer on the beach?" ? "Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first." ? *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* ? My ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. ? Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?" ? Received from Clean Laffs ? ? Hospital Parking ? The County Highway Commissioner was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful knee injury, he decided to take advantage of the hospital's Valet Parking. As he exited his car, a young man with the Valet Parking Company, comes up and asks if this was a government vehicle. ? "Yes," the Commissioner replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car." ? "Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat." ? Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ? ? Nothing to Worry about ? While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!" ? Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. ? The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. ? His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. ? Each crew member attached the package to their backs. ? "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" ? The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" ? "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help." ? Received from Anna Welander; To SUBSCRIBE:?dailycleanjokes-subscribe@... ? ? The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. ? Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.??The substitute wanted to know what to play. ? "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.??"But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." ? During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty;??the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.??Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." ? At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." ? And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist! ? Received from Guffaw Fodder ? ? A volunteer firefighter was grocery shopping when his pager went off. He ran out, leaving his cart in an aisle. When he returned he found the cart full with his list on top and a note reading: "I finished your shopping for you. Thanks for helping the community." ? ----- ? Bet Ya' Didn't Know: ? The pigmy shrew -- a relative of the mole -- is the smallest mammal in North America. It weighs 1/14 ounce -- less than a dime. ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks ? ? Punnies ? When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. ? When his wife demanded that he give up polo, he decided to chukker ? When musicians argue, the woodwinds will be clarinet up. ? With copper unavailable, continued operation of the mint would make no cents. (Pun of the Day) ? ? Doctors Joke ? A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. ? The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." ? The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor." ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ? Church Sign Chuckles ? Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards: ? -Fire Insurance Inside -This Church Is Prayer Conditioned -God Answers Knee Mail ? -PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush! -Sign broken, come inside for message -This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R! ? -Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme -Wal-Mart's not the only savings place -The best position is on your knees! ? Received from Beliefnet.com.??BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them. ? ????????? Blessed are they who make it through April, for they shall be in dismay. ? Blessed are the bread makers, for they shall rise to the occasion. ? Blessed are those in medical school, for they shall become ill-literate. ? Blessed are the unemployed jesters, for they shalt be nobody's fool. ? Blessed are bald men, for they shall not have toupee for haircuts. ? Blessed are the taxidermists, for they shall know their stuff. ? ----- ? Knock, knock. Who's there? Don Ameche. Don Ameche who? I'll be Don Ameche in a taxi honey ... ? ----- ? Knock, knock. Who's there? Anna Maria Alberghetti. Anna Maria Alberghetti who? Anna Maria Alberghetti in a taxi honey ... ? ----- ? Thought for Today: ? "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ? (Henny Youngman, 1906 - 1998) ? Received from Daily-Humor ? ? Cleaning ? My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess. ? As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?" ? ----- ? Modern Medicine ? Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: ? St. Mom's Wort -- Plant extract that treats Mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. ? Empty Nestrogen -- Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out. ? Flipitor -- Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. ? Antiboyotics -- When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up. ? Menicillin -- Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..." ? Buyagra -- Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. ? Extra Strength Buy-one-all -- Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. ? Jack Asspirin -- Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. ? Anti-talksident -- A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. ? Ragaman -- When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. ? ---- ? Quick one ? Dog Owner: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner." ? Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer." ? ----- ? The Future ? A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy. ? After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it." ? ----- ? Shyness? ? A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response. ? After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. ? "How old are you?" ? No response. ? The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?" ? Immediately four tiny fingers went up. ? "Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?" ? Four little fingers went up once again. ? Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?" ? The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?!" ? Received from ArcaMax Jokes ? ? (From the Archives) ? Signs You've Grown Up ? 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 20. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 21. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 22. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 23. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you. ? Received from The Mouthpiece ? ? Don't Be Smart with Kids ? In a Nursery School Canteen, there was a basket of Apples with a notice written over it: Do not take more than one, God is watching. ? On the other counter there was a box of chocolates. A small child went & wrote on it: Take as many as u want, God is busy watching the Apples. ? Moral:??NEVER ACT SMART WITH today's generation ...!!! ? ----- ? KID: Why some of your hairs are white, Dad? ? DAD: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white ... ? KID: Now I understand why Grandpa's all hairs are white ... ? Moral:??Don't be over smart with today's kids! ? Received from PK. Seshadri via?dailycleanjokes-subscribe@... ? ? After seeing a friend off at the airport, I went to the outdoor observation deck. There I heard an announcement: "John, please return to the ticket counter." Minutes later, the same female voice repeated, "John, please return to the ticket counter." As I was enjoying the cool evening, the woman laid it on the line: "John, your break is over!" ? Submitted to Reader's Digest by Julie Giovale ? ? Daily Trivia Question:???What is the first name of Sherlock Holmes` associate, Dr. Watson?? Answer:?John ?----- Hillary Clinton once claimed that she was named for Edmund Hillary, the man who climbed Mount Everest. This is, to say the least, improbable, since Hillary (the mountaineer) wasn't famous until Hillary Rodham was six. Snopes.com actually checked all the Chicago newspapers, to see if any of them had mentioned the former beekeeper before the former First Lady was born. Nope. ? ? What¡¯s on the Web? ----------------------- ? Check this out. ? Unreal. ? ? ? ? ----- ? *Eye Laugh* ? ? ? JEST FOR KIDS Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year olds in your life ? RIDDLES ? What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you!" ? Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date.? ? Why do skunks celebrate Valentines Day? Because they are very scent-imental ? Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed, ¡°Guess Who?¡± A divorce lawyer.? ? PUNS & SHORT JOKES ? I wanted to go bowling, but I didn't have the spare time. ? If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left. If you lost your right arm, your left arm would be all right. ? The pelican refused to pay for his dinner because his bill was too big. ? If you think my puns are bad, just wait 'til they're full groan. ? PUN SERIES DAFFYNITIONS ? Kidney: midpoint of a child's leg? ? Co-operation: scheduling all your children's tonsillectomies at the same time ? Playground: the stuff kids use to make mudpies ? Attack: what hurts if you step on it.? ? GROANERS & LONG JOKES ? Knock, Knock, Who's there? Olive Olive who? Olive you! ? On February 14th, my girl friend was brushing some stuff onto her eyebrows which I had never saw her wear before. I asked her if she had used it before and was told that she wears it only once a year. I asked her why and she answered, "It¡¯s my St. Valentine¡¯s Day mascara."? ??????????? My friend wanted to go skiing out west in mid-February, but she had to work late the day she was to leave and almost missed her flight. She was so happy to get on the plane just as the door was closing and, after all, arrive at the ski slope just in time for the last lift of the day. So she celebrated Vail In Time Day. ? A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer dashes to his studio, develops the film, and learns that the photos are underexposed and completely blank. Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak. ? ----- ? AND IN THE NEWS ? Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch has reportedly been offered a large extension on his contract. However, head coach Pete Carroll says the team should pass.?(Gary Bachman)?? ? Is Pete Carroll¡¯s Internet alias ¡°Clueless in Seattle??(Marc Ragovin)? ? See, this is what happens when you legalize marijuana in your state!?(Sammy Fong)? ? In addition to being the winning Super Bowl quarterback, Tom Brady now has a brand-new pickup truck. I guess we'll have to sit through the whole thing about whether his tires are properly inflated.?(David Letterman)? ? New England coach Bill Belichick says that cold temperatures could have caused his team's balls to be deflated in the AFC championship game. The amazing part is how it only happened on one side of the field.?(Tim Hunter) ? It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.?(David Letterman)? ? AND FROM THE PAST ? According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by 2052, completely broke. Again I don't think President Bush understands these issues. He says "2052 -- well, that's all right, by then all our old people will be dead."?(Jay Leno 2/05) ? Rumour has it that Volkswagen is buying out the Hummer division of GM.? Their new product will be called a Humbug.?(Ken Shurget 2/05)? ? President Bush went on world television Sunday and called the Iraqi election a victory over terrorism. There is still seething anger in some areas. Hollywood will move to Australia if President Bush turns out to be right about something.?(Argus Hamilton 2/05)? ? Scientists at the Pacific Nortwest Laboratory have created a way to artificially petrify wood. Isn't that called Viagra?"?(Jay Leno 2/05)? ? A Purdue professor says studies show people like to get an adrenaline rush. This is why people like activities such as seeing a scary movie, going to a haunted house, or showing up at a Florida polling site.?(Jim Barach 2/05) Received from Stan Kegel;?skegel@... ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ?
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