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An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise. "Well" began the head man, "business is bad now, Frank and I just can't afford to give you a raise."

"But I'm doing the three men's work and I always have..." retorted Frank.

"Three men's work?" exploded the boss. "Tell me who the other two are, and I'll fire them!"

Received from Clean Laffs via GCFL.

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The more I get to know people...

The more I realize why Noah let only animals on the boat.

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Submitted by?

A frantic woman takes her kid to the doctor. "Doctor, doctor," she says. "My son swallowed a pen!"

The doctor says, “Calm down madam. I’ll take care of it. But let me get some information first." He takes a clipboard with a form and asks her, “Name?”

The woman replies, “Parker”

After a movement of thought the doctor says, “The name of the BOY, Madam, not the pen brand.”

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Thought Of The Day:??Broken With Style

“If she was going to be broken, she would rather be broken with some style.”

― Sara Shepard, Nowhere Like Home

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From the Platte Enterprise

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A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot. The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and asks the woman, "Whats the matter?"

She replies " I saw it said 'Shake Well' after I took it".

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Did I Read That Sign Right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN??

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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Cowboy Boots

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help & she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.?

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month .

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Funny Ads

These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

- Great Dames for sale.

- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.?

- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

- If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

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Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.

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Visiting Australia

These are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/ gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

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Some Race Horses Were Talking

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.?

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

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The Shortest Books Ever Written

1000 Years of German Humor
Everything men know about women
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
Who's who in Puerto Rico
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook

Oscar-winner Tilda Swinton, who had a fabulous time at the Golden Globes parties this year, shares her secret to having a little fun during red carpet interviews.

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On his daytime court show, Judge Jessie proves that he has the know-how to settle any dispute.

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?Daily Newsletter

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I share a 3-year-old grandchild through our son. Until now, it hasn't been a big problem because I live in the same city as my son's family, but that's about to change. My grandson is the joy of my life, and I plan to visit wherever they move after my son's job transfer. I had been considering a move back to our hometown. Unbeknownst to me, my son has also been considering a move back there. The problem for me is that my ex-husband still lives there, and he's inclined to take over and monopolize the child in the same way he did with our son. He remains hostile toward me 20 years after our divorce. Part of me says I need to be willing to put up with the pain of being in close proximity to my ex to be near my grandson. However, it reminds me strongly of staying married to him for the sake of what I perceived to be our children's well-being. In hindsight that was, of course, misguided. Despite my reservations, should I set aside my doubts, move back to my home city and see what happens? -- DECISIONS TO MAKE DEAR DECISIONS: Discuss your reservations with your son and daughter-in-law. If your ex-husband tries to monopolize their child, could they put the brakes on it? On the plus side, you are not the same woman you were 20 years ago. I'd like to think that you are stronger and smarter now. If I'm right, while your ex may present a pain in the behind, it would be a tolerable pain, and you would have the access you want to your grandchild.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law has a habit that makes me sick to my stomach. When we are out to dinner with her, she frequently asks, "Can I have a taste of that?" Then, without waiting for a response, she'll stick her fork or spoon into my food and take a piece of it. It nauseates me when I try to eat the rest of the serving. I don't know how to deal with this. She is very sensitive and easily offended, and I have always had the feeling she doesn't like me and doesn't think I'm good enough for her son. I have asked my husband to nicely ask his mother to stop doing this, but he refuses because he doesn't want to insult his mother. When I told him it makes me sick to my stomach, he asked if I have ever actually gotten sick from eating food her used utensils have touched, and I had to admit that I have not. So he said, "Then where's the harm?" It still really bothers me. What can I do? -- MY FOOD IS MINE DEAR FOOD IS MINE: Whether your mother-in-law thinks you aren't good enough for her precious son is irrelevant. Because tolerating her rudeness hasn't endeared you to her, you might as well start standing up for yourself. The next time she asks for "a taste of that" smile, grab your plate, cut her off a piece and then hand it to her.