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The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work."

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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

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I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .

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An Oldie but a Goodie

My Grandfather’s clock sat for 90 years keeping perfect time with its never ceasing, ‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock’.

One dreadful day not long ago, it began to lose time. It no longer went, ‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock’ but that had now changed to only, ‘Tick Tick Tick Tick’.

I was advised to take it to a very old German watchmaker in the district who was the only person with enough skills to get the clock running right again. He asked the story. I told him that for so many decades it had sat there keeping perfect time with its, ‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock’. But now sadly it was losing time with just its, ‘Tick Tick Tick Tick’ .

The old German put on his monocle, approached the face of the clock with a wild look in his eyes and calmly said, “Ve haff vays of making you Tock”.

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True News

These Are Not the Voyages:?Beda Koorey gets billed for tolls. She gets tickets: “red light, speeding, parking, school zone,” she says. The citations arrive at the 76-year-old’s Huntington, N.Y., mailbox from places around the United States where she denies she’s been driving. “I don’t have a car, I don’t drive. Those plates were turned in,” she says. The plates in question bore the number of the Starship?Enterprise.?And while her NCC-1701 plates were issued by the state of New York, fake plates with the same number can be purchased online. The fake plates cost $15; Koorey’s tickets and tolls have gotten into five digits. New York’s Department of Motor Vehicles says its database no longer links Koorey to the iconic number, and argues that updating the databases used by other states is a matter for those states to address. Legislators and a lawyer got on the issue after it hit television. (AC/WCBS New York)?...Hit television is where this started.?

Ashes to Forests:?A new study has confirmed that parts of Mount St. Helens in Washington are faring much better because of a small project. Two years after the volcano’s massive eruption decimated 135 square miles of forest, the landscape “contained no measurable carbon or nitrogen.” Scientists transported a group of gophers from Butte Camp on the southern face to Pumice Plain on the north. One day later, the gophers were collected and returned home. When the scientists came back sixyears later, they found 40,000 plants in the areas where the gophers had been digging, while nearby areas remained desolate. And the impact has continued to compound. “Who would have predicted you could toss a gopher in for a day and see a residual effect 40 years later?” said microbiologist Michael Allen of the University of California, Riverside, and one of the study’s authors. The study credits a beneficial fungus in the gophers’ fur, along with their constant digging to break up the ash on the surface. Lead researcher Mia Maltz says the study will inform future work in recovering from disasters like this. “We can mimic gophers by scarifying soils or digging with a gardening tool (hoe), and adding in local spores and soil from undisturbed ecosystems,” she said. (MS/NPR)?...Or they could just toss in a few gophers.

Topped Off with Christmas Pudding:?Michelin-starred chef Tommy Banks of North Yorkshire, England, baked 2,500 pies for a Christmas fair and had them all loaded into a refrigerated van for delivery. The van was stolen. Police recovered it, but the vehicle was trashed and the pies ruined. “A van is a van, but the amount of work that goes into making pies is huge,” the chef said. After reading a news story about the incident, Joshie Harris, 11, typed a message to his father: “I see sad man, pies finished.” Joshie is autistic, and non-verbal, said his father, Dan, “and it blew my mind that he had that kind of comprehension. It makes me incredibly proud that he could read the sentiment of the news article and understand that the man was sad.” The boy loves to cook, and immediately set about helping the chef replace them. Dan will drive him and his pies to the fair in York — about 125 miles — to deliver them. Should Tommy Banks not be able to use them for the market at the fair, Dan and Joshie will deliver them to a food bank. “He wanted to show especially at Christmas that these kinds of things shouldn’t be happening,” Dan said. “Also, it shows how that even though Joshie can’t speak, he can still be an active member of society doing good.” (RC/BBC)?...A good number of people who can speak can’t meet that standard.

Sadly, No More than the Few Hundred Thousand who Came Before
Boynton Beach Woman Hopes Death of Husband and Daughter Helps Curb DUI
WPBF West Palm Beach (Fla.) headline

Received with thanks from Kirk Miller.

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?A Creche Funny

A man is visiting his adult children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.

His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.

She replies, "Yes, it's breakable."

>>>Today's Thot

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

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A Dream Funny

Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"

"Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.

There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."

>>>Today's Thot

Christmas might be over, but not the core values we exercise in it. So don't let go of the kindness, sharing God's grace, and love shared between friends and family.

Received from Mikey's Funnies.

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"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"

I apologized for the noise and checked him out.

A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.

"Terrible!" They said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

Received from GCFL.

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A young deer in the woods learned to use all four hooves equally well...

He was known to be bambidextrous.

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When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger." ----- Thought Of The Day:??A Friend In Waiting “A friend may be waiting behind a stranger’s face.”?-- Maya Angelou ----- I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream... I can’t wait to rub it in! ----- A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged. "I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!" she said. The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?" ----- Thought Of The Day:??Moments of Happiness "The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them but that they seize us."?– Ashley Montagu ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Knock Knock Who's there! Four Eggs! Four Eggs who ? Four Eggs ample ! ----- Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN." ----- A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled “COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS.” When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered ‘no.’ “Then why are you checking it out?” “Because,” said the little boy confidently, “I just started collecting moths last week!” ----- Automobile Acronyms AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time? DODGE Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the Time Fix It Again, Tony! FORD First On Recall Day First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fault Of Research & Development Fast Only Rolling Downhill Features O.J. & Ron`s DNA backwards -> Driver Returns On Foot ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com \ A movie trailer introduces a musical version of Gladiator II. Received from Arcamax Jokes. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ By Michael Roizen, M.D.? It's tough to know how many people suffer postpartum depression (there's indication that men can have it, too), but for women, it's thought to be 13% or more. And it has increased dramatically over the past decade or so, with a 60% increase among whites and a 140% increase among Blacks, according to a study in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology. This increase can be correlated with the increase in sedentary behavior and obesity. Now a new study in BMJ Sports Medicine ... ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ DEAR ABBY: Several members of my husband's family let us down badly by not attending our daughter's wedding. They had various work and other family obligations near the date of our event. "Save the Date" cards had been sent out six months prior, but we were apparently lower on their priority list. I expressed to my husband my desire to not send holiday cards this year because I no longer feel good about these family members. Then, while I was traveling for work, he bought cards, printed a letter with pictures, signed it from both of us and sent it to most of his family and some of our mutual friends. The first I heard about it was from a friend thanking me for the card and pictures a month later. I discussed it with my husband and got an apology, but I'm still shocked and saddened. What do you think? -- STILL MIFFED DEAR STILL MIFFED: Although you didn't want to send holiday cards to the relatives who skipped your daughter's wedding, apparently your husband didn't feel the same way. He was entitled to do what he did. Repeat after me: A wedding invitation is not a command performance. Now let it go. DEAR ABBY: I'm estranged from my nephew and feel bad that our relationship has deteriorated. We live in different states. He has a mental illness and refuses treatment. As a professional who is respected at work and at home, I am distressed that my nephew is aggressive and demeaning to me in public and in private. How can I get onto a path of reconciliation, and how does one know when self-protection is the only reasonable action? -- SAD UNCLE IN FLORIDA DEAR UNCLE: You are fortunate to be geographically distant from your mentally ill nephew. It is not up to you to make amends with him. Until he receives psychiatric treatment for his illness, his behavior won't moderate and there will be no reconciliation. In a case like this, self-protection is the most reasonable action. DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I received a generous gift card from my brother and sister-in-law to a restaurant we love. Next week, the four of us are going to dinner together there. My question is about the etiquette of using such a gift card. Should we use it that night or plan not to use it? If we use it and there is excess, should we pay toward my brother's bill? I know my brother won't be bothered or offended either way, but I'm curious about the "correct" way to handle this, and I'd appreciate your advice. -- WONDERING IN THE SOUTH DEAR WONDERING: If my mail is any indication, some folks become offended if someone they are splitting the bill with uses a gift card rather than a credit card or cash. That's why it never hurts to ask that question of the person who is joining you before going to the restaurant.