Limericks? ??
Baseball team has a good pitching crew.l
In ninth inning, they know what to do.
????????????Closer came into game,
????????????Put opponents to shame
When their top relief pitcher?came?threw.
?
Jim and Lars and Dick and Bill got it.
In a lift, at a rabbit I'm gazing,
And the ride going up is amazing.
????????????With the rabbit in there,
????????????I do feel quite a scare.
The experience:?really?hare?raising.
?
Lars and Conrad and Jim and Grover and Dick got it.
When at bat, baseball player named Chris
Heard some boos that were hard to dismiss.
????????????Out or homer he'd bring
????????????Every time that he'd swing.
His performance was just?hit?or?miss.
?
Conrad and Jim and Bill and Lars and Dick and Chris and Grover got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Puns
Caesar sends Brutus to bring him 12 apples.??Brutus returns with the apples, and Caesar counts them, but finds only 10 apples.??He turns to Brutus and angrily says, "Et two, Brutus?"
?
If someone is able to predict what sort of pastries are in the bakery box, would he be considered an eclairvoyant?
?
A young cowboy asked his father, "Do you think I can make a good living riding wild horses in a rodeo?"??His dad replied, "You should get a couple of bucks out of it."
?
Even if the government raises the price of a pack of cigarettes to 20 dollars, smokers still will find a way to cough it up.
?
I went out to buy some goose feather pillows, but I found they were so expensive I couldn't even afford the down payment.
Received from Kirk Miller.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
An Investment Funny
Two old friends met one day after many years.? One attended college, and now was very successful.? The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.? So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.
"Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold.? So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.? Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
>>>Today's Thot
Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in apples? Turns out he was in cider trading.
-----
A Jog Funny
2019: Didn't jog.
2020: Didn't jog.
2021: Didn't jog.
2022: Didn't jog.
2023: Didn't jog.
2024: Still haven't jogged.
This is a running joke.
>>>Today's Thot
If you eat your cake fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're walking.
-----
A Smart Funny
A customer at Gene's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Gene, what makes you so smart?"
"Fish heads," says Gene. "You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Gene.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Gene. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Gene," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Gene. "You're smarter already."
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
>>>Today's Thot
The trouble with skunks is that they don't have common scents.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A Woman's Random Thoughts
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.?
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
-----
Red Lights
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.?
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
-----
1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.
4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.?
8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.
10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
-----?
A Cowboy's Guide to Life
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.?
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
-----
-----
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Do It Yourself Appliance Repair
![Front-loading washing machine with door open and control panel visible.]()
My wife and I were newly married and I was trying to impress her with my technical expertise.
I was trying to repair our washing machine but was unable to determine where a loose wire belonged. After working at it for several minutes, I decided to consult the experts.
I took the wire along with all the details (model, serial number, etc.) of my machine to a local repair shop. I explained my situation to the technician, who looked at the wire for several minutes. He said he thought it looked familiar, but he couldn't tell me where it belonged either.
Taking the wire, he said he would have to consult with some colleagues who were working in the back.
After several minutes, he reemerged with the wire in hand. He said they decided the mystery wire had nothing to do with the operation of my washing machine. It was the underwire from one of my wife's bras.
I'm sure the technicians in the shop had a nice laugh at my expense. I was still red-faced and embarrassed when I returned home to tell my wife about my discovery.
And she hasn't stopped laughing yet!??
?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
|
