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Daily Clean Jokes for September 1, 2024

 

Daily Clean Jokes for September 1, 2024? ? ? ?



Kirk's Limericks


Lousy stove that she had did spurn her

To buy new one.??High price did turn her

????????????From a purchase right now

????????????That her funds won't allow,

So she put a new stove on?back?burner.


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There's a mime talent show, remarked Koch.? ??

I'm a judge and I don't want to botch

????????????Any judging I do.

????????????There is one thing that's true:

It's the quiet ones?you've?got?to?watch.

?

Conrad and Jim and Grover and Bill got it.


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In her garden, a woman did learn

Weeds were spreading real fast.??She did yearn

????????????Weeds be gone and did say

????????????'Bout the weeds, a clich¨¦:

They're becoming a?growing?concern.

?

Bill and Conrad and Jim got it.


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Kirk's Puns


I won first prize in the National Secrecy Society raffle. I can¡¯t tell you how much this means to me.

?

Bilbo Baggins seemed surprised to hear?Don¡¯t Stop Believing?on the radio. It was an unexpected Journey.

?

His girlfriend wanted him to slow down the car, but he put his foot down.

?

They enjoyed living on the 1,000-acre ranch they recently purchased, buy and large.

?

When the iron was invented, there was a press conference.


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At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, an FBI spokesperson said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."??When asked to comment on the arrest, one of the arresting officers said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."


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Technology will never produce a writing implement with the same grace as an old fashioned pen. It has no e-quill.

?

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

?

When Agatha Christie's daughter?inherited her mother¡¯s estate, the result was?an heir of mystery.

?

The new casino had a bowling alley that was attracting high rollers.

?

A friend of mine gave away my thesaurus as a raffle prize.??I¡¯m lost for words.


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One-Liner:??One minute you're young and fun, and the next you're turning down the stereo in your car to see better.


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Quote:??"Isn't it amazing that God gives breath to a man who is going to blaspheme Him all day?"?- Leonard Ravenhill


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A Freeze Funny


A couple purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and there was little insulation, but the couple figured: "If they could live here all those years, so can we!"

One November night the temperature plunged below zero and the interior walls were covered with frost. The new owners called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

Turns out, they always went to Florida for the winter.

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

>>>Today's Thot

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

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A Proposal Funny

An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

>>>Today's Thot

You don't actually wash your hands. They wash each other and you stand there looking at them like a creep.

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An Educator Funny

Acadormant - Students who have stopped making any academic progress.

Assessmental - The idea that high standards for education are possible when assessment testing takes precedence over real learning in the classroom.

Bookstache - The facial hair added by students to every portrait in the American history textbook.

Colate - Two students who arrive tardy to class at the same time.

Corroborative learning - When all the students in a class agree to stick to the same excuse for why their work is not done.

Coverage-based instruction - Instruction based on the idea that what is taught is much more important than what is learned.

E-fail - Electronically sent failure notices.

Erasivot - The divot that you get in your paper if you erase too hard.

Fontics - Literacy training through the use of wacky computer type fonts.

Handoubt - To wonder if the students even looked at the important papers you just passed them.

Hydropendant - Student who requests permission to get a drink of water every ten minutes.

Hyper-critical thinking - Higher level thinking evidenced by such questions as, "What kind of a haircut is that?!" And, "Why do we have to do this stupid assignment?!"

Interconversations - The office conversations you overhear when someone forgets to turn off the intercom after an announcement.

>>>Today's Thot

There's a labor dispute at my office. The boss wants me to do some.

Received from Mikey's Funnies.


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A cow and a pig are watching TV.

Pig: "Wanna watch something scary?"

Cow: "Okay by me."

So the pig changes channel to the Food Network.


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The school teacher gave a pupil two apples. One was big the other was small. Then she said: "When your brother comes up and asks you for one of the apples which one are you going to give him?"

The student thought about it for a minute then replied: "Are we talking about my little brother or my big brother?"


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Thought Of The Day:

The Test of Morality

"The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children."

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer


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Worst Day

It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mailman brought a bill I had no money to pay.

Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry.

Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.


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Criminal Lawyers

"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older man, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?"

"Well," replied the older man, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

Received from Steve Sanderson via GCFL.

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Bachelor?Cooking

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.? Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.? "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it.? Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and ....'"

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Busy Button

I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy."

I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."

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The Secret of Life

A father used to say to his children when they were young: ¡ªWhen you? all reach the age of 12 I will tell you the secret of life.

One day when the oldest turned 12, he anxiously asked his father what was the secret of life. The father replied that he was going to tell him, but that he should not reveal it to his brothers.

The secret of life is this:?The cow does not give milk.

"What are you saying?" Asked the boy incredulously.

"As you hear it, son: The cow does not give milk, you have to milk it. You have to get up at 4 in the morning, go to the field, walk through the corral full of manure, tie the tail, hobble the legs of the cow, sit on the stool, place the bucket and do the work yourself. That is the secret of life, the cow does not give milk. You milk her or you don't get milk.

"There is this generation that thinks that cows GIVE milk. That things are automatic and free: their mentality is that if 'I wish, I ask..... I obtain.' They have been accustomed to get whatever they want the easy way...

"But no, life is not a matter of wishing, asking and obtaining. The things that one receives are the effort of what one does. Happiness is the result of effort. Lack of effort creates frustration."

So, share the secret of life, so young people don't grow up with the mentality that the government, their parents, or their cute little faces are going to give them everything they need in life.

Remember:?Cows don't give milk; you have to work for it.

~Author Unknown

?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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Games

As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.?

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."

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New T.V.

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.?

The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

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Interesting Pets

A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer.

The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"

To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer."

Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.?

The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses.

The cop, really ticked off this time, says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday"

The man smiles and replies, "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"

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Baseball

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.?

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well ... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

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Blondes and Cop

There was a blonde girl and a blonde guy in a car.

The girl was in the passengers seat and the guy was the one driving the car.

They were on the free way when all of the sudden he felt like he needed to speed up.

So he sped to 55 mph.. and he asked the girl, "Is there a cop behind us?" and then she looks back and says, "No there isn't."

So he kept on going then he reached 85 mph and asked the girl, "Is there a cop behind us?"

And she said, "No there still isn't."

So he figured, now that I have gone this fast I might as well go as fast as I can.?

So he continually did.

He asked the same question, "Now is there a cop behind us?"

She turns around and finally sees the cop.

She says, "YES HE IS CATCHING UP TO US!!"

Then he said, "Well then are his lights on?!"

And she says, " yes, no, yes, no,yes..."

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The Gas Men

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.?

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

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Third Baby


When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"


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Funny Bumper Stickers


"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"?

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

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"That's why he ended up the way he ended up man?..." - LG x


I don't talk politics. I let the logical thought process I share with George Carlin explain my stance on the matter.


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