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Daily Clean Jokes for August 30, 2023
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?Daily Clean Jokes for August 30, 2023? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? Here's Today's CleanPun: ?Surely you have heard about England's great cricketing family, Fotheringbushes. Bats were handed from father to son and the refinements of the game were drilled into the young men of the family from the age of six. While most of them observed the decorum of the genteel game, one scion, Herbert, had an unruly temper and to his family's shame insisted on disputing the calls made by the arbiters of the game. In one particularly close match, Herbert's temper reached such a peak that he rushed to the man in charge of the game, pummeled him, knocked him to the ground and sat on the squirming squire. Fotheringbush Senior, aghast at his progeny's behavior, rushed from the clubhouse onto the field, and pulled off the lad. "Surely, my boy," he admonished sternly, "you above all others should know that the son never sits on the British umpire!" (Bennett Cerf) ? ___________________________________________________________________ ? ? Kirk¡¯s Puns ? They worked on the song separately and then compared notes ? Trying to eat lunch on a beach with so many seagulls?was for the birds ? Now that the cold winter was over, the maple tree could breathe?a sigh of re-leaf ? Once upon a
time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but
he made a great ruler. ? ___________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:?? Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. -- Aristotle ? ___________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:?? "Compromise: an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted." ? ___________________________________________________________________ ? ? Proud Mom ? I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don¡¯t want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it¡¯s doing. ? Provided by Reader's Digest ?___________________________________________________________________ A Money Funny Him: "Since Mr. Wilson has lost his money, half his friends don't know him anymore." Her: "And the other half?" Him: "They don't know yet that he's lost his money." >>>Today's Thot It's my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson. Received from Mikey's Funnies.
___________________________________________________________________ ? ? What¡¯s IQ Got to Do With It? ? Sometimes men don¡¯t date women for their IQs. Here are some examples: ? Today, my girlfriend asked me if my grandmother had any kids. ? My girlfriend and I went out to dinner. We were going to get there 30 minutes early, so I told her to call to see if they could bump us up. The reservation was under my name. After being with me for a year, she didn¡¯t know how to say my last name. ? It took my girlfriend almost a full season of The Office to realize it wasn¡¯t a reality show. ? Received from Reader's Digest ? ___________________________________________________________________ ? ? Word-y Causes: ? A money gift... Doughnation ? To recognize by sight... Eyedentify ? A door for men only... Gentrance ? An inaccurate appraisal... Guestimate ? The only thing a rooster has to offer... Hentertainment ? A college for crazy people... Luniversity ? A good month to make fun of things... Mocktober ? A wonderful party... Swedllebaration ? What a fellow is when he's frightened... Scareful ? What a discussion sometimes turns into... Wargument ? Syman Says; symansays@... ? ___________________________________________________________________ ? ? CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS Part 2 ? ~ At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. ? ~ Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ? ~ The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. ? ~ Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. ? ~ Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ? ~ The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. ? ~ For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ? ~ During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. ? ~ Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. ? ~ Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. ? ~ The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. ? ~ This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. ? ~ Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. ? ~ Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. ? ~ This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. ? ~ Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.--prayer and medication to follow. ? ~ The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Belzer; the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. ? ~ Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. ? ~ The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. ? ~ Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary. ? >>>Today's Thot ? You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have. ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ? ___________________________________________________________________ ? ? No More Free Tech Support By Nick Bradbury ? Developers sometimes dread meeting new people. We suspect that when people find out what we do, they're probably going to ask us to fix a problem they're having with their computer. ? The same dread occurs at major holidays when we get together with extended family. While everyone else is enjoying their time together, we're off by ourselves fixing their computers, or getting rid of a virus, or uninstalling the dozens of toolbars that suddenly appeared in their browsers, or figuring out why iTunes won't sync anymore. ? It's not that we don't want to help. It's just that we spend all day (and sometimes all night) in front of our computers, so it'd be nice to forget all about tech at social events. ? But this situation is unlikely to change soon. Despite our attempts to make software easier to use, it's still too unfriendly, too breakable, and just too damn geeky. People rely on their computers so heavily that we're going to be asked for free tech support for many years. ? So here's what I propose: offer to trade your time doing tech support for their time talking about how they use their computers. ? Yeah, I know that sounds silly, but hear me out. ? A big reason software is still so unfriendly is that most developers spend very little time understanding how non-geeks experience the tech we build. We surround ourselves with fellow techies and start thinking everyone uses software the same way we do, so we keep building stuff for ourselves. ? The only way we're going to stop spending so much time giving free tech support is by making stuff that's easier to use and less breakable. It's when we step into the world of non-geeks, where people type URLs into Google's search box instead of the address bar, that we start to understand what we're doing wrong. ? So the trade seems like a fair one to me. ? As seen at mycleanhumor ? ___________________________________________________________________ ? ? Teddy bear puns1. Why did the teddy bear say no to the ice cream? He was beyond stuffed. 2. What does Winnie the Pooh call his girlfriend? Hunny. 3. What¡¯s a teddy bear¡¯s favorite type of pie? Blue-bear-y. 4. What¡¯s the best way to say sorry to a teddy bear? To bear your heart and soul. 5. Which scary movie did the bear refuse to watch? The Bear Witch Project. 6. What do you get when you cross a teddy bear with a skunk? Winnie the P.U.! 7. How does a track race for teddy bears start? With someone saying, ¡°Ready, teddy, go!¡± 8. What did the teddy bear say to motivate his friend? ¡°Nothing is impawsible, if you set your mind to it.¡± Received from Reader¡¯s Digest. ? ___________________________________________________________________ ? ? SAY A PRAYER ? Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother¡¯s house Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. ? ¡°Johnny wait until we say our prayer.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t have to,¡± The boy replied. ? ¡°Of course, you do,¡± his mother insisted. ¡°We say a prayer, before eating, at our house.¡± ? ¡°That¡¯s our house,¡± Johnny explained. ¡°But this is Grandma¡¯s house and she knows how to cook! ? Received from Joke-of-the-Day ? ~~
? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ~~? Dogs in HeavenDear God, When I get to heaven, can I sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Also, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Thank You God, The Dog -?
? Received from Beliefnet.com.? BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them. ? ___________________________________________________________________ ?? Pork at a July 4th Picnic A priest and a rabbi met at the annual July 4th picnic. They were old friends and loved to tease one another. "This baked ham is really good,¡± said the priest. ¡°You really ought to break down and try some.¡± "I will, I will,¡± replies the rabbi, smiling, ¡°at your wedding.¡± ? ___________________________________________________________________
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